Teenage relationships : He only focuses on her.

Chris - posted on 03/17/2013

IF YOU CAN'T LOVE YOURSELF, HOW IN THE HECK YOU EXPECT TO LOVE SOMEBODY ELSE!

Heather - posted on 06/26/2010

My 17 yr old stepson is just like that with his girlfriend to the point that she managed to convince him to move out! At 17, we can't report him as a runaway, but we still have to let me live with us until he is 18. We tried pretending to like her & we tried to form a bond/relationship with her too but it didn't work. She doesn't have any rules at home because her mother is a lousy supervisor. She is getting bad grades in school & has no consequences for it. My stepson has a curfew and responsibilities around the house. He also has to maintain good grades or he will be restricted from going anywhere. We finally quit attempting to like her when she walked in my front door and proceeded to argue with me because my stepson got grounded for being 25 minutes late for his curfew.

Now my other 2 boys are not like that, they have girlfriends but they are also active in sports and keep up their grades. Not all of them act like this but once they get to a certain point it is really hard to reel them back in :(

Sheryl - posted on 06/16/2010

It is very hard to just pin point the exact answer to your concern. I, too, have a 17 year old that was just acting with no sense when he was talking to this young lady once. They have broken up now but because he didn't listen to me and thought i was "old fashion" "didn't know or understand" he continued until he got in some mess because of her problems she had at home, but now things are ok, he still text too much to his girlfriend now but he said himself he learned his lesson. That i am just trying to tell him what is right. There are other issues that i see in the future that we are going to cross but i pray till that time comes. You continue praying and let God keep his arms around your child and give you strength.

Helene - posted on 06/05/2010

Lori and Rae, you guys gave really good advice and it has definitely helped me especially with the experience I had with my 16 year old daughter.

Rae - posted on 06/05/2010

I have a daughter that just turned 18. From the time she was 14 she had to have a boyfriend that she could lead around like a puppy. One that would jump first then ask if it was high enough. I never allowed texting and she had to be off the computer(email-chatting facebook) by 9:30 p.m and not on it before 6. Same with her phone useage unless it was the house phone where she had use it around my husband and I until her senior yr. of high school. She has hated me for this but she has had to spend time on her school work and with us as a family. We only allowed her to do 2 sports, 4-H, KAY, FBLA and a part time job. She wasn't allowed to do anything that wasn't a school related activity on school nights and only be out until 10. Dating didn't happen until she was 16 and then only once a week and home by 11. She paid for 1/2 of her own car, gas tags, insurance etc. and still had to ask us for permission(or at least that is what she thought, basically telling us where she was going.) to drive somewhere. We never allowed anyone else in the car with her until 17. She has worked 10-18 hrs a week at a vet clinic since she was 14. Started voluntering there when she was 12.

She has now graduated from high school with 38 college credit hours, a 4.3 GPA, on the NHS for 3 yrs, on the state 4-H council, going to college to get her DVM (in 6 1/2 yrs rather than 8).

She really complained about not getting to do things, things like all the other kids that aren't going to college or hang out just for something to do. But in the next couple of years she will see that it is our constant firm supervision that has taught her that she doesn't need to rely on anyone but herself first. That when she knows who she is and what it is she wants out of life that she can better find the right person that needs the same and that their relationship will be strong. They won't have to worry about where the next meal comes.

Yes the kids of today act as if they hate us for having a firm hand but it has once been said: Keep a firm hand, keep a respectable child for life. Also remember......All teenagers become human again after they figure out who they are as an indvidual person and grow up after 21! You can never let down your guard or not stand on your word. Teach them to treat you the way they want to be treated. Let them do things with their fiends....at your house. You learn more about who your child is by seeing them with their friends. And you can have some control as to who they are with and how late!

Hope this helps. I have been in many battle with my daughter and at times she hates me but there will be a time when she really needs mom and all that hate will be forgotten.

Jeanne - posted on 06/05/2010

My oldest daughter is somewhat like this. Self-esteem issues are so difficult. I recommend counseling before things get any worse. I understand his need for happiness and believing that having a girlfriend is the answer. It doesn't sound like he is serious about them, or maybe the girls break up with him because of his neediness? You no the old cliche: "If you don't love yourself, no one else will." He may be depressed also. I hope somehow you find the answer. Good luck!

Lori - posted on 06/05/2010

I agree with the whole, 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' mentality - you can't oppose a relationship as it just makes the two people bond closer to one another, and casts you in the light of 'villain'.

I have daughters, so slightly different. One is very self-confident and self-assured (BORN this way, always been this way) and the other is still growing and questioning herself (it drives me nuts when she ignores all her strong and wonderful qualities, but she'll have to figure that out for herself....) They have each had 'serious' relationships - in one case, the boy behaved much like your son, rather obsessed with my daughter - and she ended up cutting him loose because she could not respect someone who could not respect himself and manage his own life. She didn't want to be a crutch - she wanted a more fun, equal partnership type relationship, where both parties have their own lives, and when they come together and spend time as a couple they can enjoy sharing those different experiences with one another.

It takes time for teens to figure out how important it is to have this type balance in your relationship. They begin by being consumed and obsessed with one another - they feel like, of all the people in the whole wide world, only this ONE person matters and understands them. So everything else takes a back burner - school, friends, family, everything. Eventually, the relationship either grows and morphs into one more mature and balanced - or it ends, and the teens are left picking up the pieces of their broken hearts.

The best that you can hope for is that every time something changes, something good is learned. It might not help your son, but sometimes the best way to move ahead in your life is to say goodbye. Remind him that he is a whole person, not just a part of the two halves of a relationship - and that he needs to stay true to himself and what he believes and wants for himself FIRST, and add the relationship with someone TO that.

It takes time. Remind him that he still has the same responsibilities and obligations to finish growing up, before he completely run his own life. But welcome in ALL relationships - each one helps him grow, in some way, even if you HATE it, LOL!!!!! And have faith - in him, and that you will survive it too!!

Crystal - posted on 06/03/2010

whom ever the girlfriend is,you absolutly have to be the nice one.i was in the same place you are,only i pushed my son so hard to make time for the family,and not to include the girlfriend that i came home from work one day and he was gone.he moved out and went to live with her and her mother.my heart was broken,i needed to do something differant.well i waited for him to call me,and reminded him that he could always come home no matter what.i invited both of them for dinner,and she viewed me as the enimie.i was as sweet as pie to her,and a week later he was home and hasn't spoken to her since.my point is to include her as part of the family,the bond between them is parents suck,however no boy is going to let a girl speak badly of his mommy who is nothing but nice to everyone.

Tina - posted on 06/03/2010

Thanks Missy. You rock!

Belinda - posted on 06/03/2010

Missy, you are so right on. You brought tears to my eyes. My son is just 13 yo and the girl bug hasn't hit yet, but everything you said is what I believe.

Jessica - posted on 06/03/2010

I totally agree with Missy! Although the point is really moot now that she broke up with him. And What was that all about? Sounds weird to me. Breaking up with your son because you wanted to meet her parents? Thats just strange.
Your son is grieving the loss of a relationship. Tread lightly for awhile and let him heal. Before you know it he will have a new girlfriend and then you can work on Missy's idea.
I wish you luck!

Sheila - posted on 06/02/2010

I have had the same issue with my 17 year old. It started around 14 years of age. I gave him a cell phone found he was texting in class not doing his school work, bad attitude toward me and his dad ect. I took the phone away from him and now he has to ask to barrow mine. Told him he can't date till he has a job, drivers license, and vehicle. He has his girlfriends at school, but after school thats it. His attitude has improved and grades are coming up. Each time he talks about issues or relatinships he has at school in the past I ask him is that the type of person you really want in your life? I am a single mom so I have done plenty of dateing and we are a package so he has gone with me on many of them. He is a really good judge of character so the biggest question is "Would you agree to let me date someone like that?" This gets him to thinking and most of the time he moves on sometimes sticks it out to see if things changes, but figures it out for himself. Married or not ask your child would you approve of me your parent of dateing someone like that? Would you want that person as your parent? Ask question to make them think!

Missy - posted on 05/29/2010

My son (now almost 20) was the same way. If us mothers openly oppose the girlfriend it only serves to push him closer to her. Try really liking her (pretend if you have to); let her come over, talk to her, etc.



You may like her; you may not, but more importantly, you're removing an element that keeps him focused on proving you wrong and rebelling against you. Take that away and all he has is the girl and who she really is - trust me, he will eventually tire of spending all his time with her. Another benefit to this is if you and the girl do hit it off a bit; you can get her help with his school problems - he's more apt to listen to her, right?



Also, one thing about Moms and our boys - we have to be the role model for who they select as a girlfriend, think about what you're teaching him to look for in a girl.



Think about it - he gets lost in her...did he not get lost in you, Mom, when he was a baby? He's growing up and at this age, he's not Mama's boy any more, nor does he want to be, but he is accustomed to that close female relationship and doesn't quite know how to fill that space (in a "cool" way).



And just for fun...sometimes liking the girlfriend/boyfriend turns the kid off of them and they end up breaking up...it's no longer a rocky road they have to fight through to be together and suddenly it's not quite as fun as they thought.

Kimberly - posted on 05/28/2010

Mine is 15. He is in relationships for a few weeks at a time and during that nothing else matters. 24/7 texting and phone conversations. I have listened in on these (the first time accidental) and the conversation with the girls is x-rated. I have done the grounding, losing of phone and computer and everything just short of all he can do is sit in the middle of his room and not touch anything. Homework is about 5th in line when a girl is involved. I too have been the brunt of wanting to meet the parents. Especially of a young girl who can talk that way...my son was explicit also. I am the devil incarnate due to her leaving him because his Mom is just too involved in his life. OH and when it is over, the attitude is dismal. Moping, depressed, even crying and verbal out bursts. People say girls are harder, more emotional - I don't have girls but good Lord I can't imagine it being worse! I know what you are going through and all I can say, you are Mom...you are the one he will want the hug from when the realization sets in that it really isn't you. You are the one who no matter what happens or who comes along will ALWAYS love him. It is just hard watching your son go through these potentially destructive behaviors and heartaches. My heart goes out to you, I know how you are feeling.

LaDonna - posted on 05/28/2010

I am at my wits end w/ my 16 yo son!! This is first serious relationship and everything has been put on HIS back burner. School, sports, etc. He's so much more disrespectful and disobedient that I don't know what to do anymore. I found out recently that she is his first (sex) partner and they aren't even using protection!!! I remember what is was like to be in love, but as a mother, a single one at that I just can't wrap my mind around this whole obsession thing. Maybe I just need some support of all you Moms who are going thru the same thing or have been thru it. Any advice?

Angie - posted on 05/28/2010

It is so good to hear that others are dealing with the same things that I am as a mom. My son's attitude changes for the worst every time he starts a relationship with a girl. "We are JUST friends" he says, but texting 24/7 and being disrespectful to me when I ask him to do something is making me crazy. My husband & I had rules about turning off the phone at a certain time and now that he is out of school he wants to stay up all night and text the girl and he is looking for a job. Technology is such a good thing, but it can be such a bad thing. I have tried to back off from "caring" so much about how much time he is on his phone, but now his dad says that he can pay for his own phone bill which is good for him. I know my son's heart is good, just want him to not be SO consumed with a "girl relationship"!

Roxana - posted on 05/27/2010

My heart goes to you. Mine is only eleven but will sure be difficult to swallow when that time comes!

Helene - posted on 05/27/2010

My daughter just got out of a year relationship with a boy. She is 16, way too young to be as serious as she was. Her identity got lost in him and even though it is hard for her now she finally has the chance to develop into the person she can become. As parents we can give advice and support but it is hard to see your child learn lessons the hard way and go through heartbreak. I'll be praying for you guys. One day our children will have 20/20 hindsight and realize that we just wanted the best for them.

Anne Marie - posted on 05/26/2010

Boys tend to think they have to have 24/7 atttention to their new girlfriend. I agree with meeting the parents. I try to have them over or suggest going for coffee. I try this will all my teen friends parents (doesn;t always work0 If she broke up with him use this time to explain that even in a relationship you should never let go of your friends. They will be there for you in the hard times. I too have been blamed for breaking up a relationship but they usually realize that it was not the one for them eventually. The best relationships allow for other friends. When my husband and I started dateing we saw each other every night for a week. The next day my girl friends were getting together for a girls night out and I felt I had to stay with him. when he asked me what I wanted to do I said I didn't care (and I didn;t cause nothing would be as fun as with my girl friends.) When I finally said I want to go out with my girl friends he said great becasue the guys were having a guys night out. We both could have missed out on a good time We aagreed after that, that we would always allow for other friends and we have stuck to it since. We need them if and when our relationships go bad or through rough times.

Leiba - posted on 05/26/2010

well she broke up with him yesterday because I confronted her and said that I want to met her parents. She was wishy washy and played with him anyway which I hated. Now I am on his worst enemy list. He dared blast me on facebook and know I am rethinking his living arrangements. I don't know how it got this far.

J - posted on 05/26/2010

I am also aggravated with my 16-year old son and how wrapped up he has become in his girlfriend. He quit playing his sport (not really her fault although I kind of hoped she might encourage him to keep playing), is forgetting to do school assignments, and is constantly texting her which distracts him all the time. It's been hard for me to accept. I have begun insisting on a 'mother/son' day once a week when he must stay home and we do things, not just chores. I have also set a reasonable curfew and have grounded him for not getting home on time, missing homework assignments, etc. Although it's difficult, I have had to accept this whole situation. I don't like him being so wrapped up in her, but I can't seem to distract him from it, so I'm trying to keep things positive between us. Nagging him about her just makes him mad, and I don't want things to be tense between us, so I am backing off. I keep reminding him that school comes first and that he has responsibilities. I am hoping he remembers what his priorities should be. It's tough, though!