Teenager hating parent

Janelle - posted on 04/02/2010 ( 24 moms have responded )

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My 17 year old constanly lies to people to make believe he is hard done by. He is constantly abusive toward me, constanly demanding that if I dont do as he asks I therefore apparently dont care and he never wants to speak again. these are just some of the trivial issues I face on a daily basis there is so much more. Anybody else going through this. Please help

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Deb - posted on 04/02/2010

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Hi Janelle,



Man is he trying to run a guilt trip on your head. You, in my opinion, need to take back the controls before it gets totally out of hand. He needs to realize that he's living in your house, you pay all of his living expenses and he needs to learn a healthy dose of respect.



My recommendation? Possibly therapy would help (I have a similar situation with my 13 year old daughter and therapy is definitely helping). Also, are you guys shouting at each other when he gets like this? Difficult as it is, you need to remain quiet and confident. Do NOT engage the behavior by joining in the screaming.



When you say he's abusive, I hope you mean emotionally and not physically (not that emotionally is better at all, but I don't want to think that you're being battered by a teenager). I have told my daughter that if she doesn't like my rules or the way she is being treated, she can look for somewhere else to live, but I prefer that we learn to get along. I found out that she's having an extremely rough time in school (not academically, but with mean girls) and when she comes home she's taking her anger and frustration out on me because she knows that I will love her no matter what and she feels safe doing that. I told her that this behavior is unacceptable and that we need to work together, not against each other. Maybe your son is having problems outside that he's taking out on you. Can you talk to him, or does he have someone that he can be totally honest with that can help you find out what's really going on?



The other answer is that during teenage years, unfortunately with the hormones raging and the idea that they know everything and we know nothing, we can expect to be hated for a while. Sad, but true, and very hard to live with.



I wish you loads of luck.

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Sonja - posted on 04/12/2010

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I am going through something similar with my 20 year old daughter. She has no respect for us as parents and brushes us off constantly when things don't go her way. She says just what she wants to say - no matter how insulting - and when we "insult" her back or point out to her not to be disrespectful, she accuses us of not respecting her!!! This is causing tremendous pressure on our marriage. I think she is especially stubborn toward me because I have told her on numerous occasions that I WILL NOT allow her to "rule" and overrun our household. I call it "parental abuse" !!!

Senobia - posted on 04/09/2010

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He's 17.

Some states consider that an adult. If he's being abusive to you, have him arrested. He's only doing what you allow him to do. And he makes his "demands" because apparently you have a history of satisfying them for him.

Who cares if he never speaks again? That way you won't have to listen to his tantrums.

Rebeca - posted on 04/09/2010

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Wow! All the above is great advice. My son is only 9 but he sure knows how to manipulate me. He always says I dont love him, I only love his sister and that we would all be happy if he died and would laugh at his funeral..All this breaks my heart but although I have started him seeing a psychologist just in case there is something seriously wrong, I have now started to notice that he is a very happy, friendly boy and only says those things to me when I dont do what he wants. He is doing fine at school, and behaves impeccably when he is at a friends house and at home, as long as he has my undivided attention, and I say yes to all his requests, he is happy, nice and helpful, but the minute I say no to something I'm mean, I'm a bad mum, I don't love him, so I have now realised that he just manipulates me because he has somehow figured out mother guilt and how he can push my buttons.

I'm sorry I don't really have any advice except what I plan to try with my son (other than counselling) and that is just to constantly tell him I love him, try to be available when he needs me, but work out some rules and consequences with him (so that he agrees they are fair beforehand), and then just be very consistent. Good Luck, I hope he realises how lucky he is to have such a great mum (even if it does take a while).

Ps. I had trouble getting along with my parents and I ran away from home when I was 16, thinking I hated them and never wanted to see them again. It took a few years but thanks to my parents constant reminders that they were there for me, we eventually became close again. It's true that teenagers feel parents just dont understand. I now make a point of telling my kids about some of my misadventures as a teenager so that they understand I have been there and hopefully in the future if they need to, they will be able to ask me for help.

All the best

Kellean - posted on 04/08/2010

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There might be some deep seeded issues. Is there a father in the picture? If there is then he should be standing up for you. Son's learn how to treat women from their fathers. If there isn't a father around. Then I would say counselling. I have seen teens like this can become abusive not just verbally. The more comfortable they get, sometimes results in the abuse elevating.
You should get family counsel. Your son may be dealing with anger issues. It in no way means he is a bad kid or anything. It may just be that he needs a little extra and it sounds like he has drained you. You need the encouragement of another adult helping your son deal with his issues.
Good luck and best wishes to you!

Lori - posted on 04/08/2010

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I am a mom of five kids now adults age 20, 20, 19, 18, and 12. I understand the overconfidence and hatred that a teen can portray, but I have come to understand that they are ready not confident at all and are looking for more attention and affection to be shown to them. I say I love you everyday in a text message or with a hug or an annoying kiss all over the face in the morning or evening just to pester them and let them know I am there for them. They turn around rather quickly and ask for help when they know you are there for them and not always mad at them or looking for something they might be doing wrong. I purposefully walk into a room and sit with them and ask questions about their day or ask about their friends and introduce myself to them because I know they won't do it. Just remember when you were their age and put yourself in their position and go with it but give advice in the right direction without a fight. They do get it. Lori

Joann - posted on 04/08/2010

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He's a teen Just stand ferm on your feet and let him know you are the boss. He will come around becouse its obviuse he need's you more than what he think's.

Amy - posted on 04/08/2010

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I wish you the best. It is so hard. My oldest son is now 18. We had a very similar relationship. Only this started when he was about 15. He became very mentally abusive. He blamed me for EVERYTHING. I started getting suspicous and started searching things when he was supposedly in school. I found several paraphenalia and a small amount of marijuana. I immediately confronted him and it got worse. I am very much a believer of no drugs. He started having even worse mood swings. After talking with his father, he went to live with him. Wow, that did not help, new surroundings, still managed to find the same crowd. His dad put him in a troubled teen center and then withdrew him 3 mo later said he was doing good and wanted him back in school there (Idaho). Little did he or I realize he had become a master manipulator. He called me one day crying very scared convinced me that his dad was beating him, and pretty much promised me the world if he could come home. SUCKER Yes he came home at 16. Same thing happened. I tried to put him in outpatient rehab. he went a week. He then began running away. The police then told me there was nothing they could do, he was 16. So I found him, called the police and met them at the drug house he was at.
Hello tough love............. He gave me a call after 18 hrs... from jail. Possession of drugs. I would not bail him out. they took him to juvenile, stayed there until he sobered up, and then I was made to pick him up. When I picked him up we went straight to an inpatient rehab. He stayed about 10 days and escaped, they found him and he went back for about 3 days and ran again. This time he ran all the way back to St. Joseph (60 miles). After all the tears I stood up, he was not welcome in our house.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. He was not my son, he was a druggie. and I had 2 more kids to watch out for. it has been nearly 2 yrs since then and it has been the best thing for him. We now have a relationship of talking everyday, seeing eachother almost every day. We have had a lot of conversations. I found out how much he really was doing. it took a long time but it was well worth it. I got "My Son" back. He is not healed by anymeans but he is on his way, and he now wants to be a runaway counselor.

Don't give up. Tough Love is the hardelt thing in the world, but the end product is well worth it.

Andrea - posted on 04/07/2010

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well when my daughter does those thing to me and tells me she hates me i just tell he ok remeber that the nest time you want to use my water to take a shower or my lights when it gets dark or want to use my car to go some where... since you hate me so much. o and dont forget about eating my food when you get hungry. o and also where are you going to sleep since this is my house and i pay rent. and i bought the bed you sleep in ect... and the list goes on she eventually get the picture and apologizes. basically you have to put your foot down. he is basicly testing you. because he knows that you are going to give in and do whatever he wants or give him whatever he wants. i even to the point of takeing my daughter clothes away and her bed out of her room i mean everything because she just did not get the point... that happened one time...(get the point)...

she has acted up afted that but all i have to do is just tell her " do i have to do it again" then she straightns out...
well like i said just put ur foot down. let him rant and rave all he wants as long as he does not curse you or put his hands on you or even raise his hands to you.

Staci - posted on 04/07/2010

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Hi Janelle,
You are not alone. I have a 15 yr old boy who is very abusive ( emotionally and physically) He just spent 8 months in DYS and is in therpy. Nothing seems to be helping. Wish i had some answers to help you out some. Hope things get better between you two.

Jo - posted on 04/07/2010

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Janelle you are not alone... I have a 16 yr old girl who started acting out at the age of 12. I have tried EVERYTHING to maintain some amount of control in my own house. She has threaten to kill me, she has snuck full grown men into my house to have sex, she goes around telling people that I abuse her when in fact it is the other way around. I called social services for help and that did nothing for me, instead of giving me the support I needed they made things worse. When my daughter did get into trouble for hitting me the courts ordered her to do community service and pay fines... We live in a small town where there is no place for her to do community service so it was up to me to make sure she got her hours in, and since she is a minor with no job it was my responsibilty to pay off her fines. I have now been dealing with this for 5 years, and the only thing my daughter learned from this whole experience is that its ok to disrespect her mother, if she doesnt like my rules all she has to do is lie or run away and the state will give her what she wants. I cant seem to get through to her or the people who are suppose to help. My daughter has a good home and is well provided for, but I dont believe in spoiling a child or giving in to her every whim. So the states solution is to let her move in with her best friends parents, before that they would put her in homes with hot tubs, tanning beds or with people who would buy her whatever she wanted. Hell I wouldn't want to come home either! And of course these nice homes would cost me $3500 a month, it amazes me how the state will pay complete strangers that kind of money to care for someone elses child, yet there is no help for single parents. I wish I could offer you a solution, but I myself is looking for one. My daughter recently ran away she was being harbored by my mother who helped her get to Kanas City, yet she was not arrested or held accountable. For 2 1/2 months I went crazy looking for my child... I put up flyers, she was on the radio, in the papers, on the news and I put her on the national missing persons list. I drove police mad with my constant calls, but nothing ever happened to my mother or my daughter. The courts were more interested in what everyone else had to say my feelings or thoughts did not count. It is heartbreaking when your child hates you and after many years of councling, doctors, the so called experts who of course knew what was best for my child I had enough. I couldnt take another year of supporting a system that teaches children its ok to not listen to your parents and its ok to lie, and hit, I couldn't be a part of that so I gave in... As much as it hurt I filed papers to terminate my parental rights, I just couldn't be my daughters escape goat anymore. This of course doesn't mean I don't love my daughter and she knows I will always be here for her...but I can't make her love me, I can't be her parent when I have so many people interfering and not letting me parent. I hope and pray no mother has to ever go through this or is forced to make this kind of decision, and I hope your situation will work itself out. I have 3 children and for 20 years I have tried to prove my love for my children at the expense of my life and I won't ever say its not worth it, however I realized that I can't live my life like that... I'm more than just a mother... and so are you.

Liza - posted on 04/07/2010

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He is simply tring to push your buttons and see how far he can go. Simple stop given into his demands! If you are fearful call 911 he is a teenager so it will not be on his adult record but if you what till 18 it will be! Also put him in a boot camp, a parent can do this without the courts order! My daughter soon to be 18 trys to pull this but she has learned it does not go far with me I will jack her up.

Geraldine - posted on 04/06/2010

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Well i have to say ive a 17yr old boy. He is not bad at all but very sneaky. The best remedy for your son is not to give into him&you stop talking to him. . Let him think he is hard done by.Pity about him taking tantrams just cause he dont get his own way. Tell him he knows where the door is if ur rules dont suit. let him see just how hard done by he really will be out there in the big bad world...good luck hun

Lea - posted on 04/06/2010

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I went through the same sort of thing with my son who is now 18..it felt like i awoke one day to this stranger who looked like my son but it wasnt my son who use to be so loving and caring.I certainly wasnt prepared for the teenage thing, i some how thought it was a myth.. lol I knew i had to change the way i was parenting him so i immediately got counselling for me to help strengthen me, to help me deal with this person who isnt an adult but he isnt a child either.. what ive learnt is choose your battles, everything became a battle, but instead of fighting everything from keeping his room clean, to his lack of comittment to school or anything for that matter.. i chose to look at things differently, i let a lot of things slide but always maintained my control over what he was doing and where he was heading. I actually took him out of school and got him a job, working a grave yard shift doing long hours, he did this for about 3months and he decided he was better off at school, so he went back, i wish i could say that he left school with great marks, but he didnt, but he did finish at the school with merits in his basketball team and played a huge part in the team making it to the prems of that year, so instead of being disappointed in the fact that he didnt pass his 6th form, i was proud of the fact that he went back to school and finished on a high with his BBall team..so its our minds and the way we think that needs to change this is what has worked for me. I dont fight with him anymore, i just ignore his bad behaviour, in my situation giving him the silent treatment works because he hates that.. and so it becomes a mexican standoff to see who breaks first..
He is now working in a local community sports club, he is very independant, and he is very social now, and i am very proud of the person he is now and looking forward to who he will eventually become..
My advise get some help with him either counselling together..or on your own to help you both on this journey that your about to take with your son.

Janelle - posted on 04/06/2010

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Thank you to you all, it is nice to hear that i am not the only one out there going through this. Common sense always tells me I am not but sometimes it gets to the point you do feel very alone.

Michelle - posted on 04/05/2010

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i have also the same problem,im a mum of 7 children,1 daughter aged 25 and the rest are boys aged from 20,18,14,13,11,and 6,im going through this problem at the moment with my daughter,i have learned not to give in to them as they are playing the game.you need to try and be strong.tell your child you love him but you are no longer going to do this with him,you cant have him blackmail you,as that is what he is doing,my daughter is doing the same thing,she is now using my grandkids to get to me.yes it hurts but if you give in it will only make things worse,when he starts demanding things.say no,and walk away,remove yourself from the situation,tough love thats what they call it.i,ve even had to get the police invoved.your son is not a child anymore,be tough to be kind,believe me i know what you are going through.good luck.be kind to yourself.....

Nikki - posted on 04/05/2010

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I went through it with my teenage daughter several years ago . She is now 21. Unfortuantely things for us did not work out well as at the time I was trying to be her "friend"' yet discipline her at the same time. It did not work out well as I think from what I have learned we have to be their "parent" at all times and discipline them consistently . I was not consistent . She was my first child of three so I surely learned alot as a parent. My younger two children have had a different experience with me as a "parent" and the results have been much better. I turned to my daughter's father's side of the family for help during the trying time and in our case they sided with her and everything was "my fault" as well as my entire family . It was so sad as they turned her against me and since they had plenty money they held that over her head as a incentive to "do good" so she could get Lexus cars, cruises, expensive clothes etc. and she has not spoken to me or my family in 6 years. She has a brother she has never even met and has nothing to do with her little sister she was raised with. I would suggest if you need help to go to a 3rd party which involves only you , your child and "help" . Someone who has no hidden motve or agenda in your process of trying to get him straightened out. I would also suggest setting up "rules" he has to follow within your home and if he doesn't then he should suffer consequences. I don't know if he is working after school but I beleive in a part time job after school which teaches them responsibilty , learning to work with others , being respectful and earning his own money. I actually went out and got a after school job for my daughter as i felt "idle" time was not good but again in our case her father's side thought it was just awful Ihad her working after school at 16 but that is because they are all wealthy. I wanted to teach her she has to earn her money and things are not ever going to just be "given" to her. The world owes you nothing I tried to teach her . If your child is being "abusive" to you now it will only get worse as he gets older so again I would seek help for him to have a outlet for whatever he is "feeling" . I know the teen years are tough but i hope I have helped some as i really do see the difference in my younger 2 children as I have learned what to do now :) I don't know if you beleive in God but I do and I try hard to relay God's word to my kids ") , Just a mom who has been there but now I do have God in my own life and it sure made a difference in my younger children . Good luck to you , I feel for you and God Bless you both .......

Luann - posted on 04/05/2010

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I am so sorry to hear this. The issues are not trivial by any means. And at this age, seeking professional help with your son at your side is what I would suggest. There are plenty of free counseling/ and or minimal pay out.

Michele - posted on 04/05/2010

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Hi my daughter was the same she was 15, she tried to raise her hand to me,and i had verbal abuse from her and telling me she hates me, and skipping school too,it didn't help ether because she had a boyfriend telling her to do what she wants i was not having that, because i was pregnant at the time, i didn't want to do, what i had to do, i showed her the door, that nearly killed me because i loved her so much she was my little girl, so she went and stayed with her grandparent, she wasn't going to school so she had to get a job, and pay her own way in life, all the little things she took for granted.She has had three jobs so far and she is coming up to her 18th birthday, and got a job she really likes and is sorting her life out, and we are much closer then ever, and she tells me about things now, so maybe u two might need a little break from each other, so he can't take u for granted, if he knows he has to do everything his self. so i really know what u are going through, i feel for u i really do, so i wish u good luck.

LaKeiva - posted on 04/05/2010

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I am doing exactly what you have said @Derenda except the job part mine is a 16 year old girl and I hate to say this but ignore works for me.

Derenda - posted on 04/05/2010

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Hey girl, going through the same thing with my mouthy daughter. What I did was stop giving her money. Made her get a job and see how hard it is to earn the money that she so demand from me. With the NO speaking to you, don't speak to him. If he is speaking, ignore, when he askes what your problem is say, O thought you werent speaking to me, so I decided not to listen to you. YES, a little imature, but that is what they are doing. Your house Your rules. They do not have the right to treat us like SHIT!! Take back control. If you pay for the cell, take it. Internet in his room, remove it. Those are privlages not necessaties. Good Luck Girl.

Gai - posted on 04/04/2010

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My son who is 17 this month, went from a beautiful loving boy, to being verbally abusive,
not wanting to go to school, do sport etc...
I found out by accident he was smoking dope! I am so anti drugs....
I have come down hard on him and he has responded to a certain extent.
He tells me he is not smoking anymore, im not sure, but i have to trust him a little,
Mood changes, withdrawing, abusive manner, are a sign of depression, i asked my son
what was causing him to behave like this.. He blamed me... I just took it and let him say how he was feeling.. He still tells me what i think.. which i quickly pointed out to him that he cannot read my mind and thats what he thinks, but i love him and whatever
pain he is feeling is human and it is ok to be human. People do not do things for no reason, even our children. I stand my ground quietly, but firmly and let him get it out.
I fight with love. Angry, pride and being right does not solve the problem.
Mums have strength, hard as it is to look at ourselves,see what we have to change about ourselves, our children need to see and hear that we are human, but adult enough to admit we are. When they feel safe enough to be able to tell us how they feel without fear of being belittled, then life will change for them and us

Kenna - posted on 04/04/2010

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I have a 17 year old son, and we had some of these issues last year. I learned that I had to give him more control and that he was really just trying to grow up. When you are trying to pull away from your mom and make your own life experiences it is frusterating to have her constantly on your case- so less bossy and more trusting his judgement worked at my house. Good Luck!

Janelle - posted on 04/03/2010

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Hi Deb,



I never give the satisfaction of raising my voice back to him I inform him that I will have a discussion with him when he calms down but it honestly does not matter what I do he just screams and yells even more. We have been and got medical advise but unfortunately he will not take the medication they have prescribed for him. Unfortunately unless I am prepared to have him mentaly commited so they can administer the medication and try to control the behavour I am very limited. As a mother it is extremely difficult to be able to get to the point of being able to live with making that decision. Does anybody have any experience with support groups in the area and how to become involved?

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