Teenager toddler nightmare

Terri - posted on 09/12/2012 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I am a mother of two. A thirteen year old and a 3 year old. I work full time 12 hour days. And I feel like my life is completely upside down right now my 13 year old does not understand that she needs to screen her behavior and tv choices when her 3 year old sister is around. I now have a three year old who is making her Barbies make out and she stated they are having sex. I am really concerned with this as I wonder if it's my thirteen year old that is having sex. God forbid the most important thing to my thirteen year old is having a boyfriend she doesn't care that her sister is mimic her she thinks it's funny and informs me that it's just a phase for her 3 year old sister. When I tried to talk to her she said that I am mentally abusing her and if it doesn't stop she going to move out? Any suggestions??? I am truly at my wits end with this one.

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Kristin - posted on 10/16/2012

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Terri

I uinderstand whaty you mean by a teen influencing their younger siblings. I had my oldest son young so he is now 16 and my 2 other children are ages 6 and 1 huge age gap i know. I struggle with jealousy on my oldest sons part as he no longer has me all to himslef and he inadvertently swears or says inappropriate things in fron of his little brother. I have sat him down and explained this to him and he just says fine i want to move out. So i am considering cutting down working to part time or not at all so that I can be there for all my kids more. I like you am sick of the teenage angst that every parent seems to be going through. I took everything away from myu oldest when i caight him smoking pot and he threatens to move out. I am also termpted to put my 16 yr old on a farm and make him do some hard manual labor to learn respect. I also found the more freedom he got the worse the behavior became so now i constantly monitor him, and i feel no guilt because I am doing everything in my power for my kids to become successful hard working individuals. Having your own computer, tv, cell phone, 5 gaming systems, and whatever else they have are not neccessities so I took them all away. My kids are allowed 1 hour of tv or computer a night after they have complted homework and chores (dishes, taking garbage out that sorty of thing) I took all the tvs out of their rooms and the phones as well. Not sure if it will work but it seems to be. I think kids have too much freedom nowadays and are bored and in being bored they rebel against parents. We have society to thank for not being allowed to discipline our children

Vickie - posted on 10/16/2012

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Have you talked to the boyfriend's parents? Are they aware of what is going on?



Also, I know this sounds counterproductive, but maybe if you give her more freedom in some areas, like with friends you trust, then she will respect you more when you say no to the boyfriend.



I would ignore the rudeness, completely, like if she speaks rudely just dismiss her to her room for 10 minutes every single time she is rude. While it doesn't sound like a big deal because I'm sure she has things in her room like a TV or whatever it will get annoying after awhile plus she'll get tired of never getting to finish a conversation.

Terri - posted on 10/15/2012

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There is a parental lock on all of our tv's and recently she borrowed friends with benefits from a friend. This new boyfriend is causing Her to be lippy and rude to everyone. In the past I have turned a blind eye to the so called dating. But in the last year she has been suspended from school for skipping to make out in a furnace room, public makin complaints to the school about them making out in front of their homes because the school does not allow this behavior on school property. I have tried the taking away of luxuries. I have tried grounding I have tried almost everything including trying councilling. She refuses to talk to a "stranger" this is causing stress on my marriage my work and well everything in general. She says that I need to trust her and just when I start to something new comes up to prevent that. She wants me to comprises but I don't believe in comprising with a teenager. If we say no. She defies and acts out to the point where everyone is at they're wits end. I do not believe in allowing my thirteen year old to rule the roost however no one is happy. I find my husband and I are always fighting. The only time it's good with the toddler is when it is just her and I. I ask to make teenager time but there is no room in her life for mom. I really appriciate the advise however there was a lot misconstrued. I feel like I am leading multiple lives with multiple personalities.

Kelly - posted on 10/06/2012

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The 3 year old is just copying what she is seeing which by what she is demonstrating is FAR TOO much so the entire focus needs to be the teenager. If you have layed down rules and the teen is not following them it is time to deal with it. My 13 year old is not watching people having sex on TV! They need appropriate supervision and you need to be putting blockers on your media and restricting access to stuff that is PG 13 or 14 and up. I sure hope no boyfriends are at the house when you are gone. Not sure I would even trust g/f's either. Also my kids start mouthing off to me that also gets results. You need to start hitting her where it hurts....phone, TV, grounding, .....I wold also say with those hours you are working you need to find some ways to connect with both your kids or you will lose them. We have 3 boys and my husband makes sure each kid has some dad only time when he can. We have rules but we have good relationships with all three of our teens and I have to say being a mom to three teenage boys is going extremely smoother than I ever imagined it would.

Emily - posted on 09/17/2012

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I wouldn't make too big a deal out of it. Possibly your little girl is just doing it to get at you, my son is at that stage, but at 3 they don't understand the implications of things like that and are just playing grownups!



Your teenager is more worrying. Do you really think she's having sex? If so, you can't really prevent it as this will make her more determined, so just make sure she knows the risks. Maybe a school counsellor could help? Your teen probably is just trying to wind you up, though. They always pretend to be more mature than they are, so you could point out that her friends are probably lying when they claim to have had sex (remembering my own high school years!).



I wish you well in this. We're dreading the day our own 13-year-old gets interested in boys!

Jen - posted on 09/16/2012

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OK, so your 13 yo is not babysitting the three year old, but then I'm confused. If they are only home together when you are also home, then you need to supervise them. If your older daughter chooses an inappropriate TV show, turn the TV off. If it happens repeatedly, then the TV should be off limits altogether. Your 13 year old can have some privacy (in her room or whatever) but the 3 year old should not be with her then, at least not until she starts showing more responsibility for her sister. And I agree with the poster below - regardless of whether or not the school is doing a good job in controlling the students, it is your job to teach your daughter what is right. She should be punished at home for refusing to do an assignment, no matter what they did (or didn't do) at school.



It seems to me that there is not a separation of what is appropriate for each of your daughters. Your 3 year old should not be present, listening, while your 13 yo is on the phone with a boyfriend. This is unfair to both girls. I understand your toddler idolizes her sister, but then they should have some time each day (or however often) to do something together. Your teenager also needs her own time to do teenager things, without a toddler around, and your toddler needs time to do her own thing with mom or on her own. Your 13 year old seems to be having trouble understanding this separation, so it is your job to enforce it.

Vickie - posted on 09/14/2012

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I don't understand, is she watching a TV in her own room or in a family room? You said you "catch her" which leads me to think she's in another room so I would give her one warning, then if I caught her again the TV would be gone. If it's in the family room I assume you're seeing what she's watching so turn it off, no more TV for her that day. Obviously discussions aren't working, she needs to know there will be consequences.



If your daughter is not respecting elders at school she's probably learning it at home, it might be time to get a little more strict with her. Did you punish her for not doing the school project? All the teachers can do is call you and give her a failing grade. One of my sons tried this once, he didn't want to write papers in school so I told him he would do it or I would pull him off the baseball team. I was serious and I was ready to do it. He wrote the papers. You need to find her currency, what will she not want to lose? Then if she doesn't comply, follow through.

Terri - posted on 09/13/2012

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I am told by my three year old that the teenager was talking on the phone with her boyfriend I have caught my teenager watching inappropriate tv and have told her not to. However she doesn't care who is around or what others tell her she should be doing, she borrow a movie from a friend "my best friends girl" not appropriate. But I can only control that to a certain extent, there are parental blocks on our tv she has cracked he code twice this time she seems to have not figured it out yet however out of boredom I am sure adventually she will.

Janey - posted on 09/13/2012

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Okay. But, how is the little one seeing sex on TV or by your older daughter and her boyfriend? I think the issue is that those situations require adult supervision, so maybe they are just on a limited basis but maybe it's better to not let it happen at all. I know it's tough.

Terri - posted on 09/13/2012

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Ok there is a misunderstanding her my teenager doesn't babysit my toddler is in a day home daily this is happening just when we are all at home I have on a repeated basis had th conversion on screening behaviors. My toddler idolizes her older sister and wants to hang out when she gets home from the day home, my teenager is a well behaved child during summer holidays but as soon as school goes in we have negative behavior, friend choices? I don't know however I can not pick who she hangs out with during school and seems as though the teachers have lost control and can't seem to do anything about it. The science teacher have then a project and there were 4 kids that refused as they thought it was stupid. My daughter was one of the children but the school truly seems to have no control. It seems as though teenagers today have no respect for there elders and it is out of control.

Francine - posted on 09/13/2012

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Seems like your teenage daughter is pushing the bounderies to see how far she can take them and also see how much control you are giving her in the household. Her comment that you are mentally abusing her is just a tactic for you to take her comments personally, I understand how it feels, I have 2 sons (20 and 14). As the parent you need to not take her comments so personally, be firm with her when talking or disciplining and make her realise you are the parent in this relationship and she needs to understand and respect that you are the one in control in the household. As for tv programs, personally, you need to start screening what she watches when your youngest daughter is around as well as for herself.

Janey - posted on 09/13/2012

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As a person who was very mature as a young adolescent, I can't way that all girls of that age would not be able to take care of a preschooler well. But, I recommend that only as occasional babysitting, not daily childcare. A young child needs an adult to care for them most of the time, with assistance only from the adolescent. Because there are additional issues that you have justifiably expressed, I would not allow the young child to be supervised by the adolescent alone at this time. Both children appear to need adult supervision. Teens must have adult supervision to avoid poor choices during their developmental years. Having raised my son by my self without outside help, I know full well how difficult this can be to manage. Look into public school programs that can get your older daughter more supervision and day care and preschool extended day programs for your little one. Also look into swapping child care duties with a parent who works nights or weekends.

Sally - posted on 09/13/2012

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where I live (Uk) I would have social services on my back if I was to allow my 13 year old to look after my 3 year old even though I may know that she is capable. I think you need to look in to childcare for the younger one at least. Its so hard to be a single parent, I do understand. X

Rhonda - posted on 09/12/2012

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What is the 13 yo watching? If it cable, you could always turn on the parental restrictions, so she can't just watch what she wants to. You can also do the same with the computer. Compliance is not negotiable with your daughter. I have all teenagers, so I do understand the preoccupation with boys/girls, but priorities must be come first, and her obligation to you and her sister needs to come first. If she is not mature enough to handle this, then maybe it's time to bring in a babysitter to watch them both. I'm sure she would hate that.

Janey - posted on 09/12/2012

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Yes, as unusual as it may sound, you don't need a TV in your house, period. And, your 13 year old doesn't need a boyfriend. It's one thing to have puppy love or "go steady" at that age (now called "dating," but she is too young to be making out with anyone. Yes, I remember what it was like at that age, and it's too early even if she looks like a woman. A thirteen year old needs full supervision if she is not always responsible. I totally get the survival issues of having the 13 year old watch the 3 year od. But, if you can work out some arrangement to have both at someone else's house or have an adult watch them both, you can deal with that that way. Just don't let the 13 yo spend her afternoons alone with the boyfriend someplace else. And, be calm about it, and just say you really want to care well for her and that even though she can stay by herself this is your way of making sure her needs are met. Or tell her she needs to "help" the babysittter with the little one. My opinion.

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