To tell or not to tell the parents what type of guy their daughter is with..

Marie - posted on 11/15/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I am very torn whether to email the parents of this 17 yr old girl (who is a mother to a 4 yr old daughter) about the boy she is with. She(Ann) lives in one state and the boy(Jay) is in another. They are both going to be 18 next year and she plans on moving to his state (away from her parents) as soon as she can and he plans on moving in with her. I don't know her or her parents but I know this boy and his ways very very well. He is my boyfriend's son. Jay is very manipulative, has very bad anger outburst, has an almost bad hatred towards any woman that tells him no and doesn't let him have his way and thinks everyone should do as he says. I don't know whether to get "involved" or not. I know I can't tell Ann for she will just ask Jay about it and he will fabricated whatever tale works to his best advantage. I kinda already fear he has her where he wants her. So she'll believe anything he says. He has always been a good one to tell one person what they want to hear than tell someone else the complete opposite because it is what they want to hear. Do I tell Ann's parents or just stay out of it? And pray for the best??? Please any advice would be helpful. Thank you for your time of reading this and replying. DM

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Anne Marie - posted on 11/19/2010

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I am a mother of a 16 year old daughter so I know the chances of Anne listening to anyone is slight. But she does have a daughter to think about. I think she will do what ever she chooses. However to have the information is better than not to have the information. She cannot make an informed decision without all the information. Love is blind and sometimes we need the ones around us to show us how blind it is. I think as the adults in her life that all they as the parents can do, and perhaps the mother of a friend, is be there for her if she goes ahead with her plans dispite the warnings. Let her know if she needs anything she can call. She has to know that she is repsonible for her decisions and that it will be her and her daughter who suffer the most damage. I will pray for her and the family she has. Let us hope you choose to let them know and she makes the right decisions.

Tina - posted on 11/17/2010

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Sometimes things like this backfire, but I do think if you talked to Ann and explained some of Jays temperments and let her know that if she does decide to move in with him what to look for...We only know what we see and apparently she has not seen his bad side as of yet...Telling her parents may also backfire, if they do not approach it correctly..I would just try to talk to her.. Good Luck.

Angie - posted on 11/16/2010

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You can let them know and then leave it to them to decide how to handle it. My son started dating a girl with a less than stellar reputation in our small town of 5000. A very dear friend told me that she wasn't the kind of girl she would expect my son to date. When we looked into it, we found she really had some problems. We spoke with our son about her. He set some defined boundries with her: no drinking, no smoking, no drugs, no sex. It's only been a couple of months but she has respected him. We also required her to spend time with our family so that we could get to know her. I'm not thrilled with it but I'm glad someone alerted me to her so that I could have an honest conversation with my son.

Kelly - posted on 11/16/2010

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If Ann has a daughter I think that is more reason to say something because If this guy is abusive a mother will not want their daughter around that, If she is a good mom..It is a very hard situation to be in but If you do nothing and something happens to Anne or her daughter you will feel bad. So I say you should try and then Pray because God can work were we can't.
Good luck.

Marie - posted on 11/16/2010

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Thank you Theresa. I know I won't be able to befriend her being as Jay already hates me. I am one of the very very few females in his life that has told him no and stuck with it. Also for the fact that I have gotten his father to stick with the no actions too. So I really do not see any befriending her by either myself or his father.

Theresa - posted on 11/16/2010

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You can send the letter, but I don't think it will do any good. It will make the parents aware of what he's really like, but the most they can do is talk to the daughter about it. Then most likely she will talk to Jay about it and he will liel to her anyway. If ann's parents forbid her that'll make him seem that much better and she'll just be more inclined to run to him. I guess if I were the parnets I would want to know about Jay, but I just don't think they can do a whole lot about it. If they kow they could reassure her that she can come back home anytime if things don't go as planned. I think what you need to do is make sure when she does move in with Jay that you befriend her. That way she has someone to turn to if she needs help. Controlling people, which it sounds like Jay is, try to isolate their "loved one". Most likely Jay will do that to Ann to make her feel she has no option except him. If you befriend her you can reassure her that she could go back to her parents if she wants. You could be a safe place for her to go. Good luck.

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