Two mothers... Two opinions... their kids are going to get married...

Loraine - posted on 09/21/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I know a lady who's son is going to be marrying this young lady and the mothers are not seeing eye to eye.
Now, the lady that I know is the mother to the young man. Her son is 22 and lives at home due to college. The groom's mom has 4 boys and the oldest is getting married to the other lady's daughter. The brides mom has 1 boys and 3 girls. The brides moms son married a couple of years ago and she helped in every way with the wedding. She played a huge role in decorations and cake making.

The grooms mom has been told to completely bud out and is not invited to do anything at all. The bride wanted the grooms mom to help with the picking of the dress and the invitations. The brides mom through a huge fit and said that the grooms mom is to do nothing. So, the bride and groom are putting up with this and won't stand their ground even though they say they want the grooms mom to help but they don't know what to do.

The groom's mom was going to help pay for the wedding and all of the invitations and wedding photos but she is hurt that her son or his bride neither one will stand up to the brides mom and tell her what they want. They won't remind her that she did a lot for her oldest son's wedding and that she is not the one that is calling the shots.

The groom's mom has never confronted the bride's mom and has decided to not say a word since it is not her place. However, she does not feel like she should pay a single red cent for anything, even though she really wants to.The groom's mom has made plans to just show up at the wedding and not worry about anything. I am her very good friend and this is eating her up inside. She just does not understand what the deal is with this woman.

The sad thing is that the bride's parents are losing their home and can barely put food on the table. Yet... she is being so selfish and hateful that she is going to ruin her daughter's wedding because of it. The mother to the bride has never allowed the bride much time with the groom's mom. I don't want to go into it because it is just a terrible situation and I don't want the bride's mom to recognize herself in this since she is a on facebook... I think.

If it were your children... What would you do, expect, etc...

She is very upset that the bride and groom are not standing up for her. She feels that they AGREE with the brides mother since they are not telling the bride's mom how things will be since they are going to have to pay for most of their own wedding since the groom's mom has decided to not "get involved".

Personally, I agree with the groom's mom. Just don't help or offer to help or pay for one single thing... not even a single flower petal.

Your thoughts?
Loraine

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10 Comments

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Shawnn - posted on 04/02/2014

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Traditional roles in wedding arrangements are for the bride's family to arrange and pay for everything related to the day and event. The groom's family responsibilty is to pay for and arrange the rehearsal dinner, and any extras for the groomsmen.

Depending on area, culture, etc, these things differ slightly, and of course, the actual participants (bride & groom) should be in agreement, and their choices should be heeded, but if bride's mom tells groom's mom that she's got everything taken care of, groom's mom needs to handle her traditional responsibilities. If, as in the example in the OP, the bride feels that her mother is being overbearing, it is up to her, the bride, to dictate that. If she does not, then groom's mom needs to back off, and quit being offended or hurt.

The day is NOT about who is the 'better' wedding parent, after all, it is about the happiness and choices of the bride and groom. The parents need to quit making it be such a big drama.

Patricia - posted on 02/21/2013

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Oh man this is hard, but I think if I was the Grooms Mom I would step aside and let the Brides Mom deal with it all. Just say I will be here if you need any help otherwise just show up and enjoy.

Janice - posted on 09/27/2009

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Pesonally I really think the bride's mom is being foolish! You should never turned down help, especially, considering the situation the bride's mom is in! If I were the groom's mom I would in no uncertain terms go to the bride's mom and read her the riot act. Hey, my son is a part of this wedding too!, and seeing you are financially struggling, you can use some help and I am here to give it to you, so let go of your pride and let's work together and start acting like adults!!!

Loraine - posted on 09/26/2009

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I looked up the " who's dos and don'ts" of wedding planning and suggested she just take care of the rehearsal dinner since that is what the grooms parents are supposed to do. As for the cake and flowers the brides mom is making all of that herself along with her family. The grooms mom has decided to get the cake for the bachelor party and for the rehearsal dinner. The bride is not happy about it since it will make her mom mad and is now not speaking to the grooms mom now. So... she is at a loss as to what to do. They think she is trying to compete but I assure you guys that she is not. She wants to contribute and all the cake will be is dessert at the rehearsal dinner and the cake for the bachelor party will just be a basketball court since he is really into basketball. I told her that she just might need to forget all of it since the bride is not happy about her doing anything that will upset her mom.
She plans on talking to them tonight when they get home. They have been avoiding her....
Also, the bride does not like one of the grooms brothers girlfriends and does not want her at the wedding but won't say anything herself. They expect the grooms mom to do it but she does not want to get involved and told them that they need to respect his brothers choice in girlfriends because his brothers are having to respect the fact that he is marrying her even though they don't always like her.

I just feel terrible for my friend. She is really at the point of just not bothering with it and hopes that one of her other son's girlfriends will include her in their wedding one day.

God Bless
Loraine

Karen - posted on 09/24/2009

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I agree with having your friend throw a shower for them....

would also suggest that since the bride's family doesn't want her involved, that she also pay for nothing..however, she can give the kids money for their wedding present so they can pay the bills or whatever to help out... this is in liu of paying for the wedding... this way after the wedding they can do with the money whatever they need to a dn the other mom can't say anything about it.

She is still helping them out but not dealing with the other mom.



I would also suggest she invite the bride to her home for lunch or out to lunch and talk to her about it all...if the bride wants her involved, then they should make plans together and not tell the mother. When the time comes for whatever they've already planned, the bride can say, Oh I already have that taken acare of...



for example, grooms mom and bride go pick out floweres or the cake.... bride can tell her mom, oh I already have that picked out..but you can help me with " whatever".



as for calling off the wedding...since they are adults, they are the only ones who can do that... and if he really loves her and she him... then they are the ones who have to be adults and decide just what they will put up with from each other's families.

Vickie - posted on 09/24/2009

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i think they all need to go round a table here and sort this mess out if nothing gets resolved tell them to elope and throw a party at the end of it all but put invites to both sets of parents and say its your call tough one but it is there day why have it spoiled by 2 mothers or 1 whatever if they love there kids they will go along with whatever is happening.

Toni - posted on 09/23/2009

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Believe it or not this is a situation I have seen a lot. I used to be a wedding planner and "The mother of Bride" can sometimes be worse than the Bride herself. Do you remember the old saying "A daughter is a daughter all of her life, a son is a son until he takes a wife." It seems both the Bride and the Groom are very young, in my opinion too young to get married, but that is not the question at hand. With maturity they will grow the ability to stand up for what they believe. It is plainly evident that the Mother of the Bride is controlling, so I say LET HER. This is her first daughters wedding and most of the time it is the brides parents ie the mother who is most involved. The sad truth is this behavior will probably continue into the young couples relationship, like first grandchild, buying a house, etc. So, I suggest to your friend to pick her battles. I would advise your friend to focus on building a good relationship with her soon to be daughter in law so that in the future she IS involved in the major occasions. You might also want to suggest that your friend throw a bridal shower for the bride, siting, "I am throwing a bridal shower for our side of the family, and of course everyone is invited." She can also suggest that the parents have a dinner together to discuss plans....This really seems to work. The mother of bride feels confident in talking thru her daughter, but she may change her attitude when face to face with the grooms mother...I wish her luck and tell her to be joyous about the occasion and remember that this will hopefully be her sons most perfect day....So lets not ruin it. Good luck and God Bless.

Loraine - posted on 09/22/2009

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Thank you both. I thought the same thing about calling it off, at least, until they are older.They are both still students in college and the bride has never been able to stand up to her mom and they disrespect the groom every chance they get. Even going so far as to (the step-father of the bride) knock the hat off my sons head during lunch. He had just forgot to take it off and the bride's family wears hats during all meals. They are very informal. They had a guest over for the first time that day and had to show their butts.

I've told the groom that he is in for a world of hurt... for the rest of his life. They even want to move out of state to get away from the bride's mom... That has upset the groom's mom in an unexplainable way. She is a devoted mom and wants to be a devoted grandma. She is not one of those overpowering moms, but loves to go to every game and do crafts and loves to camp and take all the nieces, nephews, etc... with them.

Oh Maria the Groom is not employed full time right now and neither is the bride.They drive an older car and both have very low paying jobs and hope to pay as much as they can on their wedding and will even have a very low budget wedding if it comes to that and it looks like it will. They are very frugal.

I do believe if the groom is paying for some of his own wedding then the brides' parents calling all the shots should be called off!
It is a sad situation. It really is. I just hate that the grooms mom has to go through this unnecessarily.

Thank you both for your help. I will pass on all this advice to my friend. She would post but she is a member of Circle of Moms and well as the brides mom. Can you imagine...

Thank you
Loraine

Cheryl - posted on 09/22/2009

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Call off the wedding...this is just a small glimpse of what your friends son will have to look forward to for the rest of his life, almost guarantee-ing divorce. A very overpowering and demanding mother in law and a wife that doesn't have the spine to tell her to back off...which she will have to do sometime during their marraige if she intends on staying married...she's obviously much to immature to handle a husband and a household.

I pray call it off....your friends son is begging for misery.

Maria - posted on 09/22/2009

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This is a toughie! I understand that the bride and groom don't want to hurt the bride's mom, and future mother-in-law, but as it is, the bride's mom is about to lose her home, isn't it about time that she puts aside her pride, and let the groom's mom, who in all honesty, is cordial enough to offer help as well? Personally, I think someone has to make the bride and groom realize the gravity of the situation and the burden this will put on the bride's mom, not to mention the guilt later on, having to deal with the expenses on her own. If she doesn't want to accept the groom's mom's assistance, will she accept the groom's? Where does the groom fit in the equation? Is he employed? Will he be agreeable in paying part of his wedding? I think it will be reasonable at his age, that both parties share the responsibility of financing the wedding. Don't you?

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