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Very conservative mother coming to visit. Need to tell her about her grandson's bi-racial girlfriend, who is living with us.

Margaret - posted on 07/20/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Once a year my mother will come for a visit. Even under the best of circumstances this can be a trying time for my family. She's a very opinionated woman, dismissive of everyone she considers to be beneath her and deeply insensitive.

This year promises to be worst of all.

Personal note: I am a lot like my mother but my dear husband and son both insist I am getting better. Call it a form of shock therapy, if you will.

Long story, short: My son P has a girlfriend, N. Due to her home-life taking an unacceptable turn some weeks ago, she came to stay with us. Since then she has migrated from being sheltered in our guest cottage to getting her own room in our house to my having to accept that she's not actually using that room to sleep in anymore.

Now I need to figure out the best way to inform my mother, hopefully in a way that will allow her to process all this.

My husband want's to just send her a (rather adorable) picture he took of the two of them napping together in a hammock and let her figure it out. My son suggested he just call her and straight up tell her what's going on and instruct her to behave.

I rather feel I should be the one to do the talking, especially since I have had to overcome my own prejudices and shock and not that long ago.

In hindsight, I should never have been shocked. P and N have known each other their entire lives. P has never wanted to be with anyone else, which I learned was the only reason my no dating/no girlfriend edict was never rebelled against by him. He just waited it out. Turns out they promised each other their love and loyalty long ago and were "together" as long as anyone can remember so far as all their friends are concerned. None of them think anything of the interracial aspect and only poke (lighthearted and friendly) fun at their size difference (P is 6'5" and weighs 190 pounds, N is 5'2" and weighs at most 100 pounds).

My husband says he is really curious to see which part my mother will freak out about first or most. The fact that a girl is cohabiting with her grandson or that she's black.

N has been through a tremendous amount of pain and grief and it is as much a credit to her own resilience and strength as P's devotion and love that she's not a total loss to all of us. It took a lot for me to overcome but N has earned my love and respect.

I just want for my mother to at least be cordial and to treat N with respect.

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5 Comments

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Kristi - posted on 07/21/2012

1,211

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Hi Margaret!

How long do you have before she comes? Maybe you could work all three ideas in here. First you can call her and let her know what is going on, since you have the first hand experience of setting your prejudice aside, you might have a better time helping her do the same. She might also respect your son and his wishes a little more if he calls her before hand and is straight forward with her, as well. Finally, and I love your husband's sense of humor, send her the picture so it won't be such a "shock" when she actually sees your son and N in person. Once you have made clear your expectations, she can decide if she wants to stay with you or elsewhere and it will be in her hands to either make the best of her annual visit or ruin it for everyone.

Whatever your mom decides, N will be okay knowing she has the support, love and respect from the 3 of you. You will be ok becuase you are a strong and noble person who will have done her best to look out for her son and his girlfriend and you can take comfort in that. Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 07/20/2012

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Ring your mum and tell her upfront what is happening and what you expect of her while she is in your house. Most Mums want their children to be happy and are not rude to them. Good Luck.

Jen - posted on 07/20/2012

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I'm not sure what the best path is, but definitely let your mother know before she comes. I almost think I'd let your son call her and tell her. He volunteered, and if he's old enough to have a girl sleeping in his room then maybe he's old enough to explain the situation and lay down the law with his grandmother. Bottom line - it's your house. Your mother needs to respect you and your guests. If she can't do that, she should stay elsewhere.

I have to say though that it seems rather disrepectful of N to have migrated to your son's bedroom against your wishes, especially with all you seem to be doing for her. :(

Kristin - posted on 07/20/2012

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I agree with Julie, you need to be up front and honest with your mother. It is your home and she is coming as a guest so she should be respectful of your decisions and keep her opinions to herself. Who know she may just surprise you and be ok with it all and actually like the girl. Best of luck

Julie - posted on 07/20/2012

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Trust your own instincts, you have made it through the same situation yourself. I think I would talk about the situation over the phone first. It's a complicated situation. How old are they? Your son has good instincts in being open and honest with her, if she is that opinionated she may not want to come. Best of Luck, J

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