volatile 13 year old daughter

Donna - posted on 09/16/2009

I agree, take off the door, also take everything out of her room except the bed. Then tell her when she learns respect you will start giving her things back.

Or, if you give her an allowance, let her carry on as she is doing but if she breaks anything then make her pay for it.

Tamara - posted on 09/15/2009

I agree with Vivica. When a child starts acting out in rage there is something really wrong and there could be something going on that you are not aware of. I would speak to her pediatrician ASAP and get a referral to a psychiatrist and get her evaluated.

I would also provide her with an alternative outlet to slamming things with her hands. Get a huge floor pillow & let her pound it, take her outside and give her icecubes and or eggs and scream out whats hurting as she smashes them into the pavement, and lastly a punching bag of some sort. The anger must come out and helping her to hit things that won't hurt her is one step in the direction of her learning to manage the anger.

From personal experience hurting oneself can be done to quill inner pain and to try to grab control of a situation that is out of our control. Best of luck.

Vivica - posted on 09/11/2009

Slamming, hitting things, or breaking things is "abusive". She's acting out of frustration steming from hurt. My daughter started her behavior when she was 11, she's now 14 and counseling has helped so much. Unfortunately I had to leave my husband because he could no longer handle her and he became abusive to her (he being her step-dad). Hopefully she can find a therapist that is receptive to her and who she feels comfortable and she can trust so she can open up. Takes awhile, my daughter and I are still working out our issues. I'm in therapy also and we have a session together also. Good luck and hang in there!

Nicola - posted on 09/11/2009

I had the same problem with my oldest son, I tried ignoring it at first as Iknew he was just trying to get to me...Well he won that one, it got to me. I laid it out for him, anytihing that he slamed hit threw, kicked, tore or showed disrespcet to or for was no longer his. The first time he was faced with having to replace his school book, he started rethinking how he expressed his anger.
He likes to draw, so I bought him a sketch book and told him when he gets mad, to go to his room and draw, and while he is drawing he can mentally work out what has made him so mad. It worked, when he was calmed down he would come out and we would then discuss what made him mad and how he should handle the situation.

That was 6 years ago, he is no a senior in highschool with 6 years of art under his belt, many awards and even a small money making business going.

Your daughter may not like art, but there is somehting that she does enjoy that she can do to help her calm down, mine is cooking, what ever hers is help her to find it she does not even have to be good at it, just let her do it and work through her anger til she is calm and rational and is able to talk about it.

One more thing, and the most important, pray!

Chris - posted on 09/11/2009

what I wish I had done with mine when she was that age is: remove all of her furniture, including her bed, take everything away except a couple of outfits, remove her door. make her 'earn everything back' one by one by showing respect and staying respectful. I should have not allowed her to bully me by slamming things or threatening not to go to school. if that don't work, put her in boot camp. I have two preteens now and if I get disrespected with them like i did with my eldest, believe me, this is what I will do, because letting them bully only promotes a really bad relationship as well as a spoiled teen.

Leslie - posted on 09/08/2009

I don't know the answer, but I do know that a lot of times at that age they get angry so easy that they need to take their frustrations out on something. (better something than someone). I know a friend that acutally bought her daughter a punching bag, one of the toy ones and put it in her room and told her that is where she needed to take her anger out on. The eye rolling of course came, but next thing you know you would hear her hitting it up in her room. I know part of the reason is for attention to, so it might not work.

Pam - posted on 09/08/2009

I would take the door down. My son who is 13 has a temper too. I do try talking to him as an adult when he is calm. I have taken away cell phones and phone video games and grounded him. I find he works best when we as a family paint a room or do yard work he not only gets involved but after proding him enjoys it.