what do i do with a mouthy teenager?

Shonah - posted on 01/20/2009 ( 32 moms have responded )

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she just doesn't listen and talks back. We can't even ask her a question without her blowing up.

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Sarah - posted on 01/23/2009

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I also have a 15 year daughter. Times get very hard. I try in any situation to remember me at that age. You want space but you also want to know that parents are their for you whenever you need them. We went through a very rough time last year. The same things you have explained. Mainly she didn;t feel loved enough by us and was shutting us out and not caring about the things that really mattered in life. You have to tell them every day that you love them, whether they are upset with you or you are upset with them. She may not tell you things because she thinks you will not understand. Take a stab in the dark and remember being 15 and trey to talk about things you went through. Something will make her talk eventually. When she walks away and says that nothing is wrong and you know better, go somewhere alone with her and let her know that you do know something is wrongand you would like to try to help her through it. Do not judge no matter what she says. Be her friend when she needs an ear for advice not a judging hand saying everything she does is wrong. I learned to do these and other things to gain my daughters trust and after a year I can say that I have finally got it. I do not have to be scared that if she goes to a friends that she will be doing this that I wouldn't approve of. No matter what it is I am understanding and way the problems I see that she could come into and I tell her what I think and why in a rational manner. I use to catch her in at least one lie every day, now I would have to total invade all her privacy to even try and dig something up. We expected them to honor and respect us, so we have to do the same to them and still be parents.

Hillary - posted on 01/22/2009

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I'm with the one that replied about taking material items.  Sorry but hit'em where it hurts.  She doesn't want to do chores, schoolwork ect...  start with one thing, cell phone, or my favorite, if you say no I will say no.  Did you wash the dishes?  No.  Mom I need a ride to so-and-so's name.... your answer No.    Trashy mouth that will cost them.  Deduct from the allowance or reduce cell phone privilages.  Be creative and just start, you can do it.  Besides the bonus, she's the oldest, the little ones will fall in line because they don't want to lose their stuff.

Jackie - posted on 01/21/2009

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I have heard alot of parents take cell phones away as punishment. I love my kids having their phone. I can reach then any time. For me the cell phone is the last to go.--- especially since they pay their own bill too-- I have only had to threaten to take the phone away once... when they didnt answer when I called.

Now they always answer...or call back very quickly.

For me... their cell phone is a matter of safety....and my security blanket.lol

Jackie - posted on 01/20/2009

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I think we all need some more details here. How old is your teen? Is she the oldest, youngest or middle child?

What does mouthy mean to you?

Does she question everthing you ask her to do? Does she refuse to do everything you ask her to do? Does she roll her eyes? slam doors?

I, personally, need more details before I can offer my thoughts.

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Michelle - posted on 01/23/2009

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Your last post, was very familiar for me. I have a very close relationship with my teens. I like you believe that its important to have individual relationships each of my kids. "fore they are different in each of their own way. To make time for them  lets them know that you care and you really do want to be there for them in this VERY hard time. I think the hardest part of our lives is being a teen. But with guidance and of course the help from our "personal villages" we can teach our youth to choose whats right and moral. Important lessons to be had before they are faced with the harsh realities of "life" after moms place...Teach me more ...I'm a sponge...My kids are my world and I wish to do right by them at EVERY level.  Sincerely....

[deleted account]

Jackie,

I was not talking about yelling and arguing. Sorry that was not clear.

There is no place for the parent to become the child.

I always remind them that this is not for my fun, but for their good.

I cannot tolerate a child begin disrespectful to me in any way as in my home there are enough younger children that are observing the limits I allow the other children to stretch.

You can demand that the rules be followed. I expect it. I am not military at all. In fact I am about as far from it as you can get!LOL And they are obedient. Not all the time and we still have struggles.

We are also very close and my second best friend is my 16 year old son. I count on my 14 year old daughter and we talk all the time about everything. My 13 year old son and I always get into deep discussions on so many topics that interest him and he has learned to cook for the family in our times together. I have to send my 22 yr old to bed because he wants to talk to me after he gets home at12 am. And that is just those four!

I can ask any of them to do for me and they will without question. I have also made the previous rules posted very clear to all of my kids without question. It is a demand, and it is made out of love.

And yes it is allowing a child to walk on you if you do not. I can say that because I have done it.

My best wishes to you and I am glad to hear things are going better

[deleted account]

I can totally relate... I wish I had something to share with you but I don't..I just remind myself to pick my battle's.At time's with her month it's hard to stay in control,and I have to admit that isn't always possible.However it it is nice knowing IM not alone. Maybe this is just part of the age.

Traci - posted on 01/23/2009

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Shonah,  I read this posting and wonder if you have my child!  I, too, have a 15 year old daughter pretty much doing the same things yours is.  Up until this year, she's always been open with me about everything, now, she lives in her room, on the phone or the computer and thinks all adults are dumb.  I have taken her phone away and told her she can only have it when I feel she needs it.  My thought is, she uses it for texting and calling friends more than me trying to stay in touch with her... so, I give it to her when I feel she needs it.  Our issue now is she thinks that I need to whip out money to her on her demand.  I stated that she has chores, she doesn't do them so she doesn't get paid... plain and simple!   The boyfriend thing.. OMG!  He is all that matters and everyone else is dumb or non-existent.  (sp?).    Her and I use to scream and shout and it was causing sadness with my 12 year old, yes another girl so I desided that when she gets into one of her moods, she is not allowed on phone or computer until she can calm down and then at that time we can talk.  I could go on and on...



She is seeing someone she met while visiting a friend in WIC (we are in IA)... she wants to go to his winter formal.  Still undesided. We have relatives that live by him so me going and staying is not an issue, it's does she deserve to go??  This is the first formal she has been asked to  (been to other stag) so a part of me wants her to go but then she throughs fits when I ask her to do something for me....

Ngaire - posted on 01/23/2009

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i agree with carrie asi,ve started doing it and i,m finding it works.quick way to teach your kids to respect you.if you allow your kids to talkto you like crap over time it,s normal to them so as hard as it is keep to it take carexox

Michelle - posted on 01/23/2009

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I agree with Michelle Allen.Very wise words. I have a cousin that has 3 children, when she asks for my advice I remind her that advice is what it is...advice. Take of what you can...and leave the rest behind. What works for one baby may not work for the others. So it is important...once again to first listen to what they have to say but even more important to fit the punishment with the crime according to each child. For me, my daughter hates grounding..cant stand being separated from the rest of the family...but for my son, its a whole different thing..hed love to sit in his room for hours on end...

Hillary - posted on 01/23/2009

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I think there is no one answer that will "fix" the problems, but many suggestions to pick through and find something that will work for you.  I overheard my oldest daughter talking on the phone with one of her friends,  she was explaining to her friend that she shouldn;t talk to her mother like that, and she will only dig the hole deeper.  So just imagine if some of this discipline actually sinks in..... they are teenagers, not martians although that is debatable somedays. :)

Michelle - posted on 01/23/2009

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I think every teen is different. My oldest just turned 17. Every little argument turned into WW3. Her mouth was filthy. Called us every name in the book. We tried different kinds of punishment. We tried grounding, taking things away, talking to her, she would sometimes leave & stay with someone for a couple of weeks, til they didn't want her anymore. As far as not taking her anywhere, she would just start walking. Short of chaining her to her bed, there wasn't much we could do. This has been going on for years. It's getting a little easier. She's pregnant now. But she had another blow up about 3 weeks ago. She left, moved in with her boyfriend, now she's back after about 2 1/2 weeks. But she is getting better. I think she's slowly realizing that she needs us.



Now, my 12 yr old is totally different. He doesn't yell at us. We send him to his room or ground him & he does it. He mutters under his breath on his way, but that's ok. We can talk to him about the incident without being cussed at or him taking off down the road. Every child is different!!!



So, it's easy to say my child will or won't do this or that & it may work for some. But, all situations aren't as simple as that. Hopefully, you can find something on here that works for you.

Michelle - posted on 01/23/2009

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After reading each post., I have come to the conclusion that an even voice and  quiet demeanor does indeed take my teens (age 15 and almost 18) off guard. Suddenly, they are listening quieter . The escalated hollering subsides and everyone usually takes a seat to hear me better.  Both my teens are bigger than me and sometimes forget that although they tower over me...I'm still the "boss". They at this stage tend to deduce that even though they dont agree or do not understand my "logic" that it is MY prerogative to choose what rules our home is governed by. Which is not always a democracy. LOL I think in their minds they realize that there is not always going to be a "come half way point" and I firmly believe that later in life they will take this with them and be able to "deal" with those employers and clients that are...well less than co-operative.  Still we plug on in our home constantly changing and growing in our own ways, reminds me many days that to also keep close in thoughts that all parents need to stop and allow for some growth in each of lifes' lessons that we try to instill in their  precious young minds to listen for then they will learn. Talk and  they miss the most important parts...

Inga - posted on 01/22/2009

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When things get loud with my teenage son, I tend to resort to written communication. We drew up a contract that we revisit that have "non-negotiable" items like chores, use of car, paying his portion of bills (he works so we calculated out his fair portion). Until he is 18 there are rules  that MUST be followed.



 



There's a book out there How to Talk to Kids So They Will Listen (Mazlish) I page through every so often.



 



Good luck!

April - posted on 01/22/2009

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I totally agree with you on the fine line between demanding and teaching respect. And a fine line between respecting and fearing your parents. My mom was in the military and i learned at a very young age that what mom meant was what she meant no ifs ans or buts about it. If she said no it meant no. But i am almost sure that there was some fear in there as well. But not fear of being beaten or abused or anything she was just firm in her punishments. LOL and now i am trying the same things with my children. But times have changed and i need to remember that.

Jackie - posted on 01/22/2009

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I think parents need to be careful that they dont take too much away too soon... otherwise the child has nothing left to take away... then what???

Deangela... I disagree with you. If you reread your posting... you ask why this child is allowed to 'walk' on the parent. I dont think she is being ALLOWED to do it.

But she is doing it. And Shonah is trying to parent her child in a loving but firm way. She (I think) wants to TEACH her daughter to be respectful... not DEMAND it.

I think there is a fine line between repecting a parent and fearing a parent.

Clara - posted on 01/22/2009

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I've a 14 year old adopted son.  He doesn't give me the respect.  He takes his own time during what I ask of him.  He talk back at me with argue voice.  Now , he is stealing from me.  Can somebody help me?

April - posted on 01/22/2009

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I have a 13 year old step daughter and a 12 year old daughter. b They are turning 14 and 13 in april. My oldest daughter is violent and rude and ignorant. We have in the past grounded her, took tv, radio, horseback riding, sleepovers ect away from her. She does not care. She just looks at us and walks away. Or totally freaks out. She does have a cognitive disorder which we are getting to the bottom of, but it is taking so long. She has phoned social services , told on us to her gramma and poppa and told our personal business to her teachers friends and family members. All because she has been caught in lies, (pathological lying) and physical garbage. So I have gotten her a appointment with a counsellor and have the school working with me to find a solution for her, and us on how to deal with her. Basically i take it one day at a time. LOL if you have any suggestions for me i would gladly take them. My other daughter she is a grade A student and does her chores and is responsible to a T. What a contrast.

Bonnie - posted on 01/22/2009

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i have a 17 yr old and a 32 yr old ... both boys.  I found that if you keep a calm low voice when talking to them   it tends to put them off balance.  what you say seems to register more,  once they hit their middle teens you have to stand your ground, trust what you taught them in their  0 - 6 years is still in them and your loving/respectful relationship will return when they are adults .  during the teen yrs they only see through their own perspective.  usually they don't start considering other perspectives until they are on their own  and realize the world does not rotate around them. 



they are still learning from you ... especially by the way you react when under pressure or confused.  You are the adult,  you have life experience, you can put situations into a perspective that your teenager can't..



when i starting taking things away from my younger one   it got to a point he stopped caring about anything.  he wasn't mature enough to realize there was a lesson to be learnt.  he just became angry and resentful. when he becomes an adult   i know he will be back wanting explanations for my 'meaness' towards him.  my boys don't seem to remember all the quality time we spent together  and good times we had.  



my older son who is an adult    can't do enough for me.  he understands more now.  he always makes time to come home and always lets me know he loves me.   when he was a teen   he felt i was overprotective and he never let me into his frame of mind.   a lot of years of trusting i raised him right..



i hope this helps in some way.   the best i can say is to try and keep a cool, calm manner on how you deal with the situations your teen puts you in, stand your ground on house/life rules and trust that you have done a great parenting job in their younger years.



all the best,   

Lori - posted on 01/21/2009

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LOL, I think pretty much anyone with a teen ager goes through that. Right now we are dealing with our 13 year old boy going through puberty. His favorite words when you talk to him are I DONT CARE and WHATEVER! He thinks he dont have to listen,and is constantly trying to annoy our 3yr old and 5 yr old. BUT he is a straight A student,and can be a very well mannered child when he wants to. He is a huge JOCK,and loves to play sports. Some times I think he THINKS he is smarter then us. Usually if he gets too mouthy it works to take his video games away or baseball practice (which is year round). Then he cools off for a while. We went through the same thing with our 18yr old son when he was a young teen,and he turned out just fine.Some times he still thinks he knows everything,but other then that he is turning into a great guy! It all works out in the end. Just smile.

[deleted account]

Just remember you are in charge and make sure she knows it.

She can sleep on the floor if you choose. No car, no gas money, no phone, no computer.....You own it all not her, you pay for to all not her. She is your shild not the other way around and You pay her way not she yours.

Why do you let her walk on you? Why do you let her tell you it is none of your business?

As long as you are paying it is all your business. You are the one who gave birth to her and you are the one who raised her......

After 10 kids I have ages 25 down to 4 yrs now. I don't put up with it. If I want to know I am in charge and I will know. If they don't want me to know they move out!

Pffffttttt..........I don't have time to waste on a child that can't be part of the family or wants to be a problem. If you want my support and money then I know...end of the discussion.

Keisha - posted on 01/21/2009

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my daughter has been mouthy to me.. i took her cell, ipod, radio, cam, no money.. and left her with the basic things she needs. I dont have to do the extra for u.. and I wont do it if im not respected. This has just happened.. So we will see the end result. I dont tolerate disrespect. I respect u and thats how I will be treated. There is no compromise with respect.. Sorry your having a hard time...



 

Shonah - posted on 01/21/2009

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She raked up her cell phone bill to 8 hundred dollars so her phone is gone for sometime.and she has unlimited texting

Carrie - posted on 01/21/2009

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being the mother of 2 teenage boys, this is what i do: after 1 or 2 warnings of taking things away, i follow thru! first to go is usually the cell phone.they have to behave for about a week and earn it back! if they get lippy while its taken away, i add a day! i've had to take the phone a few times before it sank in- more times than not, now the warnings work! my boys have ended up w/no phone,computer,video games,etc! anything that means something to them- GONE!!  once they earn it back once or twice, they'll (hopefully) learn!!

Jackie - posted on 01/20/2009

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You know, some of these topics really intertwine. There is a thread on here I think it is called... trusting your teen... or something like that. Anyways.. the way your daughter is actiing would be the perfect reason to search her bedroom... search her msn chats...etc. To me---a change of behavior with no explanation means---time for mom to figure out what is wrong. however, that is a different thread.

Anyways, let me tell you.. when my daughter got her first boyfriend, she was also 15. The difference is...we really liked him. However, her moods basically depended on whether or not she got to spend time with him that day.

I would bring this to her attention...and I was surprised when she agreed with me. Things would be good for a couple of days... but again... I would need to remind her...

School work is a big thing--- not sure what to suggest here.... both my kids have always loved school... so I do not know what to suggest here...sorry.

Good Luck... and please keep us posted as to the outcome.\

oh...and the issue with not likeing the new boyfriend...

aauuugghhh... we didnt like the next boyfriend... AT ALL.

It didnt last long.. \ I always kept the invitation open for them to spend time at our house... this helped. But still was not great.

Shonah - posted on 01/20/2009

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she is 15 she is the oldest my son is 8. She has her good days and bad days. If she feels like it she will do her chores without being told then you ask her to please do them and she just freaks out. We ask her if there is anything she wants to talk about or if anything is bothering her and she just says nothing and walks away. She has a boyfriend that i really don't care for and if we ask her about him or their relationship she rolls her eyes and says it's none of my business. I'm just trying to be apart of her life and she just won't let us in. And when it comes to school work boy thats like pulling teeth. She quit basketball without saying anything i had to find out at a meeting with her teachers.So i think that about covers it i think.

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