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What do I say to my 16 year old daughter when she talks to me about her break up?

Tiffany - posted on 08/05/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I have a talented, intelligent, caring, gorgeous 16 year old daughter who's boyfriend just broke up with her. He's going off to college and I understand his need to be free. I have never liked the way he treated my daughter and I don't like the way he went about breaking up with her. She is just crushed and I know I can't say "He wasn't good enough" to her. I want to comfort her and take her pain away. I know that isn't possible...how do I reinforce that she is such a wonderful girl who is going to find the love of her life? I remember how I felt but my mother wasn't in my life to tell me anything. My daughter and I have a very good relationship and I am the first one she told and came to for comfort. My response was to tell her how I felt about her and that maybe now was the time for her to do something good for herself, something she wants to accomplish that will make her proud...was that the right thing? My problem is that my mother (her grandmother) is in our lives now and her response is to tell my daughter to get back at him by dating his friends. I don't agree with that!!!! My poor girl is such a wonderful, kind, and loving and sensative person that I want to say the right thing but have no experience to go on. Any advice would be so helpful! I want her to feel pride in herself, which I think this boy did a pretty good job of taking away from her. What can I do?

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Jo-Anne - posted on 08/08/2012

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You have great instincts! The fact she told you about this first shows that you know exactly what to do and have been doing it all along. Tell her you love her, say you're sorry she's feeling so bad, tell her she doesn't deserve to be sad and that some day she'll look back on this and it won't hurt as much. If she feels she can't get through it, tell her she's stronger than she knows and you've got her back. Tell her she's talented, intelligent, etc. But actually, listening is just as important than talking when this happens.

Angie - posted on 08/06/2012

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ooooh...I don't agree with what your mother said, but I think you did good by telling her how you feel about her. I have a son, not a daughter, but I tell him dating is about finding out what you like and what you don't like in a person ~ you might find your soulmate right away, you might not....and just because somebody breaks up with you doesn't immediately mean you've done something wrong (unless you did like cheating, lying, stealing, etc), it can simply mean that it wasn't the right time, place, or person. I tell my son his great qualities & there will be someone out there someday that will appreciate that. My son is almost 21 now & he's reversed from the serious relationships of 16, now he's more into casual dating while the girls are more serious now. 16 is young and she has her whole life ahead of her and even though you didn't have a strong mother experience to draw off of (neither did I), maybe sharing your dating experiences or broken hearts will convince her the hearts do mend :) you know...the story of that one boy...lol

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