WHAT DO U TELL YOUR 14 YR OLD DAUGHTER NOT TO HAVE SEX YET? AND SHE AS ASKED ME TO MAKE AN APPT. WITH THE GYN WOW HELP!!!!!!
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Kristy - posted on 05/12/2010
Don't you feel like someone just kicked you in the gut? I had this same issue with my 16 year old about a month ago. I reacted calmly. I told her that I do not believe she is physically or emotionally ready for the responsibility that comes with being sexually active. I explained to her that above and beyond the risk of pregnancy, there are the risk of STD's, some that can stay with you for life. I talked to her about AIDS. And I really tried to approach everything with her as educating her on the risk, and tried very hard not to make her feel like I was judging her or her character. I asked her how she would feel when her friends at school found out she was having sex and talking about her negatively behind her back? Would it be something she would feel ashamed of that she would not want known? She asked me to make her an appointment to get birth control and I went through the list of birth control available and all the risk associated with it and explained it isn't fool proof. women and teenagers get pregnant every day while on birth control. And I told her that I would be happy to go with her, but she would have to make the appointment and she would have to discuss it with the doctor. I would not do it for her. and I told her that if she has already had sex, which she had one time, that just because she made that decision once did not mean she had to continue to make the same decision again. She can still choose to wait. I told her that I loved her and I am proud of her for coming to me. No matter what your relationship is with yoru daughter, it would have to be hard for her to open that conversation. Then once we were done talking.. over the next few days.. it set in and I cried and cried and cried. not that I thought less of her, just that I didn't see her in the same little girl light that I saw her in before. I feel for you. it is hard. encourage her to think it through and make a choice for herself and her body that she will be proud of and won't regret later on.
Margaret - posted on 05/12/2010
Firstly, take a deep breath!! Secondly, review your conversation with your daughter in your head. Did you specifically talk about the fact that she wants to have sex and that's why she wants to go to the gyn? If so, TAKE HER. You can discuss the whole having sex part, but this is to important for you to assume that she will obey you if you say no, she can't have sex. You don't want her getting pregnant. Also, at 14, you really need to know what the situation is. As a pediatrician, I had a 13 year old girl come in and want birth control, and we had a long talk about being sexually active, and about using condoms, etc. She told me that her partner wouldn't use condoms, and there was no way she could make him, and I pointed out then maybe he wasn't the right person for her to be involved with, and it turned out to be an older male family member who had been abusing her for quite some time. Now that she had started her periods. she was terrified of getting pregnant. So all is not always as it seems. Who is your daughter considering having sex with? Why? Is the boy her age or older? Is she feeling pressured in some way (if you really loved me you would...., I could die if we don't... Are you sure your not lesbian?) All of these are really important things to find out. It sounds like you have a great kid, and a really responsible girl if she is asking you to take her to the ob. A frank talk (put aside your embarassment) is in order. Also, she may not know as much as you think she does, and may think that sex comes after kissing. Sometimes you have to explain the "im between part" ( I said put aside your embarassement!!) and explain when to stop and when to say "enough". Good luck!
Diane - posted on 05/12/2010
Does she need to go for her peiod or is she going for Birth Control pills ? My 17yr old daughter has been on BC pills since she was 14 for her extreme cramps and heavy bleeding. Please sit and talk with her, I have an open relationship with my three children on anything. To this day my 17yr old has not had sex but as a parent the best we can do is teach them correctly and the minute they walk out that door we pray they remember half of what we said. Good Luck!
Helene - posted on 05/11/2010
Be really happy that she came to you and asked about seeing a doctor. Most kids just talk to their friends and get mislead by wrong information. A friend of mine didn't take my advice about taking his daughter to the GYN. He's now a grandpa. His daughter was 15 when she got pregnant and the whole family is now dealing with caring for the child. I have been talking to my boys about sex and it's responsibilities since they were 10. When they started asking questions, I answered them honestly. And we have had many conversations since. Discuss with her that you don't want her to have sex yet, and listen to her replies. Let her know that you'll be there if she has more questions. But never assume that she will never have sex. That's what my friend the grandpa did.
Loren - posted on 05/11/2010
This IS a hard one but I commend you for doing such a wonderful job with your daughter. You must've done something right for her to feel comfortable enough to come and talk with you about it in the first place "good for you" and awesome for her.
Firstly, I would suggest to you to make the appointment with the family doctor for your daughter. Let her know that you are proud of her for taking responsibility for her health. It is important to support her during this time. 14 is a difficult age as it's the "not quite" stage; not quite a child and not quite and adult. It's important to acknowledge her feelings and her concerns; by doing so you keep the lines of communication open which is very very important. This also gives you the opportunity to give her more information regarding why you want her to wait. The more loving you are towards her during this difficult time the better relationship you will have with her in the future.
Again I want to commend you on the job well done. Not many of us have that great opportunity to have open communication with our children that you have. Way to Go!
Jayme - posted on 05/11/2010
Kids think they are grown at earlier ages. If she is asking you to take her to the Dr. you might consider taking her and putting her on some kind of birth control. I suggest the depo shot. She can not forget to take it. it is a shot you get once every three months. I know it would seem as if you are condoning her actions. but if she wants to have sex all you can do is make her aware of the consequences and help her make the right decision as far as protection. The last thing you want to do is ignore her outcry. She will end up pregnant or with a disease. Educate her first and just be open with her if you shut her off she will not come back to you for that advice. Good luck Mom!!! be strong...
Sha_dawg2000 - posted on 05/10/2010
Well look me and my daughter talk just the same i took her to the dr and she is on birth control she is not having sex but like i said i am not no dummy fo real i know it will happen and i just hope she makes the right decision and want her to be safe with it well she is 16 now and we did that just after she turned 15 and no sex so far we talk all the time and when she went to the dr it was a guy and he gave her som condoms she was like what are these for her explained that he was a young guy once and they do not always think the smart way and do not always have the condoms on them so it is better for her to make sure she is protected herself. but she handed the bag to me when we got home and said mom i am not doing that plus over the past year we have talked more on the subject and she has heard stories from friends that has her scared to even think she is ready so i can proudly say no sex yet but she talks to me alot on everything so just keep the communication line open and hope for her to make a good decision ....
Telika - posted on 05/09/2010
WOW!!! that can be scary but first thank god she came to you and told you she's ready and not she's pregnant,good for her she wants to go to the dr and put herself on something i wish i was that samrt at her age,my sister was,but it can be hurting,bc we ahve all these high hopes and one small thing can ruin that i know i am a mom of 4,soo,take her nine times out of ten she's being peer pressure and unfortunately you cant be w/her at all times,you want to make sure she's safe than sorry,now i'm not condoning you to give her the ok,at the end of the day you both have to make a decision that will satisfy you both,ok good luck
Michelle - posted on 05/09/2010
number one it is not statitory rape if the boy is of the same age it is only considered statitory rape if the boy is of the age of 18 or older if the girl is 13 to 16 it is or younger. in most stated at the age of 16 it is not considered statitory rape. but anyway talk to her about birthcontrol and make sure you tell her that if you allow her to go on it you are not giving her permission to have sex. and that it is a big responsiblity to take it everyday. its wonderful that you can have this kind of talk with her but also take her to her ob dr so he/she can talk to her as well.
Heather - posted on 05/09/2010
I think that it is great that your daughter feels comfortable talking to you about sex. that is a great sign. as far as the one asking when they have time, well they find time if that is what they want to do. My son's are very open about their relationships with me and my husband and I thank God that they come to us. My oldest son has a friend that is 14 and his 14 year old girlfriend just had their baby a couple weeks ago. so be thankful that she is talking to you before having sex. best of luck and keep up the good open communication line with your daughter.
Sherri - posted on 05/08/2010
Okay please let me first ask how in heavens name can your daughter have the time or privacy to do such a thing. My son takes the bus to school, then back home gets home at 4pm has 2-3 hrs of homework a night, eats dinner and is bed at 8:30pm on school nights. On weekends he may go to a friends but there is always adult supervison. I guess I can't understand how your child is left unattended to even be considering sex at 14.
Amie - posted on 05/07/2010
To be honest I went to my daughter at age 15 and asked her if she wanted to go on the pill we had the sex talk before numerous times, but I didn't want her to think if she asked me for birthcontrol I would just freak out. So I made the first move which I wish my mother would have done for me, so I graduated pregnant and married. With the way things are now, kids are having sex at such a young age, my niece works in the ob unit at the hospital and the stories are sad at the kids that come in there to have babies when they're still babies themselves. Do whatever you can to prevent it because eventually they are gonna do it. Please don't take me the wrong way i'm not saying it's o.k. but it's always better to be safe than sorry.
Louise - posted on 05/06/2010
Wow 14 that is young but she had come to you for help and that is brilliant. Make her that appointment and hopefully they will tell her all the worries about young girls having sex. Let her go on the pill if that is what she wants but stress that this does not protect her from disease. Stress to her if she wants to be a mummy in the future then she should protect herself. Also try and teach your daughter the difference between sex and love. The boy she will be with will not love her if this is all he wants, get some romance movies in and a big bag of popcorn. You may even find that your daughter wants to go on the pill as some sort of peer pressure and not for random sex. Any way it sounds like your daughter is not stupid and has at least come to you for help. Now it is your job to give her as much imformation you can about sex and relationships and respecting your body and only giving it to somebody you truly love and respect. Hopefully she will realise that sex can wait for a while and just have fun with building relationships with the oposite sex.
Lucia - posted on 05/05/2010
I had a conversation with my daughter about sex, making it as real as possible, telling her good things and bad things about the first time, etc. Then my husband told her something about the adolescent boy's mindset - sex - and that the boy will ave a different agenda than a girl. We made sure she knew about condoms (and excuses boys may use not to use them), and other forms of birth control. We also let her know that although we were telling her these things, that we really did not feel that she or any kid should be having sex before they were 18. She hadn't realized that it is actually illegal for kids to have sex before then. Our reasons, beyond the legality, were that teens' brains and bodies are not really up to the emotional strain. Take her to the ob/gyn (it's good that she wants to go), and ask them to have a very frank conversation about the first time, bursting any "romantic" bubbles she might have, and about the reality of pregnancy (not just that it is bad at her age, but what it does to the body and social life, too), and std's. In the end, all you can really do is hope that she leads with her head and not with her heart. Good luck, and keep talking with her.
Tara - posted on 05/05/2010
I would say the first thing you need to do is pat yourself on the back!!! Your young daughter came to you before having sex, willing to talk about sex with you, and was apparently raised responsibly by knowing before she does anything like that she needs to see a gyno to investigate protection! Of course your nervous and like o crap how do i say no way too young but not chase her away from telling me these things and others later. My mother talked to me about sex all the time and how when i was going to "do it" to tell her she may not be happy but she would help me get protection. I wound up prego at 14. I was so afraid to dissapoint her I never came to her. You should consider yourself lucky! This is my help put her on the pill buy a box of condoms beg her not to have sex yet remind her that if she does have sex now whomever he is is 99.9% unlikely to become her husband and also will doubtfully be her bf for very long after the deed. Remind her that it will hurt. Answer any questions truthfully. Then lay down rules we lay down rules for everything else in our kids lives(friends, curfew,driving,etc) I see no diference in giving rules for this! That baby I was prego with at 14 is now almost grown 15 years old and of coursetalking about when hes gonna do it for a couple years now. We have set rules we compromise agree on if he has sex withoput a condom im kicking his butt, please tell me when you think its "the time", remember if you dont wear a condom i will prob find out because you will get a baby or diseases(went into detail how they test guys for chlamydia lol) ANYWAYS.... Congratulations on having such an honest open relationship with your daughter it will help later when them same teens start drinking. And remeber even if your not happy about her choices at least she comes to you about them!!!
Angie - posted on 05/05/2010
OUCH! 14 is just way too young to even think of having sex. I think this is a conversation that needed to be started when she was much younger so that she would already know that this is a bad decision. At this point, all you can do is have an honest conversation with her about the ramifications of having sex so young. At this age, the boy doesn't care about her - he is using her.
Zatonda - posted on 05/05/2010
you tell her a guy at14 is making a list and by 18 she don't want to be first on that list, I was told by my brothers guys with a 100 is a hero, and girls with a 100 is a zero. If she ask you take her let the doctor explain the risk of having sex, and keep a close eye on who she is hanging with and what she is doing. It's good that she came to you. if you have brothers or uncles or some male in her life you may want to ask them if they can come over and speak to her, I think if she is aware of how boys feel at that age she may listen, the average 14yr boy is not trying to get married, and 14yr girls feels that first boyfriend is going to be their husband, they be setting up middle school wedding plans. good luck,
Mandy - posted on 05/05/2010
its a hard one...my daughter is just 15 and we have had many conversations on the topic...all you can do is talk calmly to her and listen to what she has to say...trust in yourself that you have brought her up to respect herself and hope she can make the right decision. She is being sensible by asking to go to the gyn which should give you hope but also make sure she knows about condoms as well and the risks of sti .Te problem with teens is that they will do what they want so just be there for her and be open and honest ...hope that helps x