what do you do when your 13 yrs old keeps lying and sneaking?

Jodi - posted on 10/28/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I have a 13 yrs old who has been going behind our back to set up facebook, lying about everything that she speaks. on her 13 birhtday i caught her and 2 of her friends tryng to sneak a boy in the house. the next day is when I found out she had a facebook page( which she got caught sneaking one before) and invited the kid to the house. My husband (her step dad and I had a long conversation with her about everything what is bothering her , she said she want to live anywhere but here, at the end of the conversation I thought we got throught to her it was great the next couple day thatn I found out that she has been on fb again on the kindle and told me she was taking the dog for a walk and 30 min later found her at the park with the dog and a friend playing basket ball. Her responce to everything is I want freedom, if you gave it to me I wouldnt lie. Ha she has had it all taken away cause she keeps lying not turning in homework and being down right cold. I thought I was a pretty stong woman but I feel like I am going to break. I have spanked grounded and taken her stuff away. ( maybe not enough) any suggestions on what in the world do I do with her besides send her to a group home where she thinks she wants to be. How do I get my girl back before it goes to far?

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Barbara - posted on 10/30/2012

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Jodi, this is a tough time. I have 15 year old daughter who has been doing some of this too. We are still battling with the lies and deceit. I have locked the computer, put a password on every other electronic device in our home (including the TV's in our house), removed her cell phone and her DS. She has one hour between 7 and 8 p.m. of computer time for homework related activities only and only Monday through Friday. I have blocked facebook (we have a HP with parental controls that allows me to block selected websites and schedule approved computer time). I receive an electronic update each Friday regarding her grades. She knows that none of the restrictions will be relaxed one little bit until I see a minimum grade of B in at least four of her High school classes, a C in math and Spanish (challenging subjects for her). NO D's, no F's and NO MISSING HOMEWORK. I have emailed each of her teachers that home restrictions are in place until I see significant improvement in her grades. If she is caught in a lie to me (and I have caught her), she loses the computer time and all TV time for that day and has to stay after school to use the school computers to do homework. Your daughter claims to want 'freedom' and is dong the same thing my daughter has done and continues to do. Badger me for more 'freedom'. They want to behave as adults with no adult responsibilities. They want to come and go as they please, have money to do all of the things they want to do, and do absolutely nothing to earn it. I have slammed the door on 'free money', "mom I NEED twenty dollars". My response: Earn it! Do chores at home to earn this money and I will pay you for time spent. She is cold, distant, hypercritical of everything I do, and I mean EVERYTHING I do. I have to let it roll of, I have to try to ignore the hurt I feel when she says something like 'AT 18 I'M OUT OF HERE, I HATE YOU'. It's BS. She doesn't hate me, she hates the limits I'm putting on her freedom. That's what a parent does (at least one who cares about her kids).

I strenuously dislike having to be the policeman in my own home, but it is the only thing I can do that will curtail her. She has no sleepovers here or anywhere else until her grades are better (coming up right now) and her attitude at home is improved. Her friends are allowed to come over, because I want to see who she is hanging out with and find out just what is going on. She is NOT allowed to go their homes right now. Freedom isn't something given out to 13 or 15 year-olds. Freedom is something EARNED by responsible behavior, respectful interaction with adults (parents and teachers).

Your daughter will not enjoy a group home where EVERY activity is scheduled and monitored. My next door neighbors daughter was placed in a group home for six months. They bused the kids to school every morning and bused them back after school every day. They couldn't go to games, after school activities of any kind. Homework was done between 4 and 6 EVERY DAY monitored by a group home employee in the dining room. Dinner was prepared with each girl responsible for some part of it, preparation, setting the table, clearing, dishes. 1 hour of group TV time was permitted ONLY if the kid did all of her daily chores, all of the assigned homework and did her assigned dinner duties. Bedtime was enforced at 10 p.m. EVERY NIGHT including weekends. They had no cell phones, no tablet PC's, no ereaders, no electronic gaming devices, and no computers. Even their shower times were scheduled. If you overslept and missed your scheduled shower time, you didn't get a shower until tomorrow. Each girl was given 10 minutes in and out of the shower If the girl took more than 10 minutes of shower time, consequences (no TV time, an extra chore they did for several days, etc). The girls were responsible for all household cleaning activities during the week and on the weekends. Vacuuming, dusting, mopping, laundry, scrubbing toilets and shower stalls,dumping the trash and keeping their shared bedrooms clean and orderly. They were not allowed to have friends 'drop by' nor were they allowed to go to a friends house. They had two hours of supervised 'backyard' time on both Saturday's and Sunday's where an organized sport was played (basketball, soccer, PingPong). If they didn't follow through on chores, homework or dinner duties, this time was taken away. They had one hour of supervised visits with family only on Sunday afternoons from 2-3 p.m. The girls also had to participate in a weekly counseling session and a group session on Saturday. If your daughter thinks her life is controlled now, let her go to the group home. She will find out the true meaning of control there. Get information, a brochure, leave it in her room where she can't miss it. Let her know that you are considering her request. Ask the facility in your area if you can have a tour with your daughter (some will, some won't). Keep in mind that some of the girls are in group homes because they have become aggressive with their own parents and have anger management issues that can be volatile. Group homes have 24-7 monitoring, including in the girls bedrooms (bedroom doors left open at all times).

This is an extremely tough age for us parents, and probably tougher for our kids. I would rather make the mistake of being 'too involved' and 'too controlling' than in letting her run wild, do what she wants, when she wants and suffering consequences too overwhelming to even consider. Teen drugs, teen pregnancy, STD's, just to name a few. I told my daughter that I love her unconditionally no matter what, but if she want's my trust, my respect, and a little relaxation on her personal freedom, these she must earn. I hope this helps you to stay resolved, keep the managing hand on your daughter and let much of the hateful comments they say (or shout) roll off. They THINK they want freedom. What they need is respect, limits and a dedicated parent to make sure all of these things are in place to protect them from themselves. You are in my prayers, I wish I could tell you it will get easier, truthfully it won't for a while. Mine started this at thirteen and we are still dealing with it two years later, and I expect we will deal with it for at l east another year, maybe two. Stick with the Circle, hang in there, stay resolved and committed, don't let her manipulate you (and believe me they try everything they can think of, mine blames me when she fails ('you took computer away and I couldn't do my homework', 'you blame me for EVERYTHING', and countless others). Stay noncommittal, stay calm, don't shout back when she prods, baits or tries to engage an argument, remain focused only on what is best for her at that moment. Ignore most threats (except those for self harm) as so much 'hot air'. Surprise her with an outing (shopping, salon appointment, out to lunch on Saturday or Sunday) when her behavior warrants it. Don't tantalize her with 'if you do this, then Sunday we can get our nails done'. At that moment she couldn't care less. Don't bring home 'freebies' to buy her love or acceptance - it backfires. You are in my prayers

Helen - posted on 10/28/2012

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Hey Jodi! Just joined the cicle of moms... I have two daughters they r a hand ful! My suggest is test her trust, but u need all her friends #'s where they live.. Talk find out more info on boys n girls... (Also might b group of kidds she's hanging out with... Hope it works hun! B praying for u and family

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