What if I'm being disrespected by the PARENTS my son's girlfriend? How do I handle it?

Christine - posted on 10/04/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Without going into too much detail, let's just say... my son, (17) has a girlfriend. She's a sweet, smart, motivated young woman and at first I adored her. We met her parents, very responsive, involved, seemed to have great values and morals... but as the relationship grew, and I had to step in to stop a few things... her parents basically told me to "never tell our daughter to respect your house or family rules". WHAT?? Are you kidding me? And all I did... was ask her nicely to stop texting while my son was in seminary(if you don't know, it's a church education program, early morning before school starts). And allow me to add.. I asked my son respectfully at first to handle this himself, knowing dang well that he needed to be the one to make that decision, to respect his teachers, respect the class and also to be responsible to communicate this all with his girlfriend. So... nope, he didn't handle it, didn't take the reins and after several other times of being emailed from his teacher, I got a bit more stern and asked him again to please stop, turn off the phone.. and explain to his girlfriend that he couldn't talk at that time. Still no follow through. So, as I had stated to him earlier... I would take this into my own hands and talk to her myself. I talked to her personally, no texting... ha ... and was very nice, polite and asked respectfully for her to respect my wishes. I also made it very clear that, yes I had spoken with my son about it, and that he was the one in trouble, not her... but to please not contact him during that time or I would have to restrict his phone. She agreed, and said nicely back that "sure, I'm okay with that, I won't contact him at that time". But low and behold... went running to mommy, and I got then the nastiest texts ever(this from a woman who asks me not to text her daughter or her, because they can be taken wrong). I saved them... and responded by saying, I am his parent, I am looking out for the welfare, future and education of my son... first and foremost. I didn't yell at her daughter, I wasn't rude. I simply asked her to respect our family and our life. To which I got.... "don't ever tell her to respect your family or house rules". Anywhoo.... This,as many of you can imagine, has created a huge rift in the kid's relationship... because the girlfriend thinks i'm a lying bitch, and that I told her mom a bunch of lies... (whatever that's about, I have no clue) and her mom.. well, she expects that I'm going to allow her daughter to spend time here without "respecting our rules and our family". So... what to do,..what to do?? I have reached out the olive branch to the mom, to talk this over.. but now i"m getting...the BRUSH ASIDE. The niceness that is soooo thick that you could drown in it. Is it bad of me to wish that this relationship would END???? Please.... help..advice, anything?? Thanks for listening.

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Andree - posted on 03/16/2012

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Have you asked your child or demand that phone is left at home. I say this because my daughter got caught a few times texting during school. The 1st time it happened she was told NO more phone at school. She yelled and screamed using the excuse what happens if I get in an accident on the way, (easy answer her best friend has a phone she call use her phone) she said what happens if I need you while I am in school, (easy, the school has phones and it is law they allow you to use them).

I agree with you asking her to stop texting, but it is not her full fault your son needs to take responsibility also and it is his responsibility to stop responding or to turn it off. In fact I have to say it is more his fault than hers. He has to have the responsibility to turn off the phone. I understand it is hard to have to do that, it's not for that long.

I do find it silly her parents came after you, that is ridiculous on their part. To ask you to not ask their daughter to respect anything you ask for is just crazy. Parents are to work together.

My daughter has major issues with her bf's parents, but it is not anything like this.

Good luck.

Kim - posted on 10/07/2011

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Another thought...sorry...I'm sure the girlfriend was defending her mother and thats why he came hom and asked why you keep arguing with the mother. Kinda sounds like he doesn't know how to take control, or to walk away. He might want to really think about that...does he want to live with that all his life? Sounds like punishment to me and not love...



Let me share a post my daughter made on her fb...this is something I talked to her about growing up and been blessed with her not forgetting and seeing the truth!



My oldest "Tara" QUOTE:

"Do not greive that you cannot be identical to the standards and expectations others place on you in a relationship. (friendship or life partner) You were made as you are with GREAT purpose. EACH of you. If they truly love you, they would not try to change what makes you, YOU. But if you truly love each other, you will compromise for one another. Strive for quality versus quantity. Set REACHABLE goals for yourselves and each other.



When you finally find your prince or princess, past mistakes cannot be avoided. You must live with the consequences of each desicion you make. However, you can spend less time confessing regretable past actions and more time confessing unconditional love, by choosing to make yourself a living example of not only WORDS, but ACTIONS. Which generates trust in eachother and turns two individuals from seperate beings ("I"), into one flesh ("team"). This is where you learn that each desicion and their concequences are NOT just your own, but also something your partner AND family must pay for. So choose carefully and consider others with every desicion you make!!



Many men and women are full of potential for love, but only a few can generate the QUALITY of love you search for. Best things come to those who make peace with their impatience. It's hard to reach the goals you set for yourself, but with faith, and MUCH prayer, you will be rewarded greatly!!! :)"



I am very proud of her! I hope your end result is the same!



Sadly sometimes the more you try to converse with your child (son or daughter) they may feel your trying to seperate them...which for some reason a lot of kids will try to cling harder to the undesirable other half. Becareful...it could end up, that you push them into the arms of those you don't want them in. :(

Louise - posted on 10/07/2011

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Sit your son down and tell him that you are shocked at the behaviour of his girlfriend and family and that you hope that he knows you well enough to know that you did not shout at her, but simply asked her not to text. Listen to what he has to say after that. he may agree with you he may lash out and side with his girlfriend who knows. If there is an atmosphere in your home when this girl is there then pull your son aside and ask him if he can sence the atmosphere between the pair of you and if he says yes then tell him, you are not prepared to live like this so please see her else where. It is your home not hers. I think you have been reasonable. This relationship will fizzle out so don't feel bad about it. If your son can not control his phone then take it from him during study time. Simples! :-D

Kim - posted on 10/05/2011

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Christine, I have a couple of question's...How do you know for sure you are receiving text from the girlfriends mother and not the girlfriend texting you back from mommies phone? Where does the girlfriends father stand in this matter?



I had something simlar to this happen with my daughter...The boyfriends mother acted like a I was a horrid mother and suggested that she, her husband and son came over and we would have a little pow wow...I invited it with open arms.



Once they were all in my house and things were brought up, the boyfriends father stood with me and the boyfriends mother quickly realized she was standing in the wrong place. BTW he is now my son in law and love him to peices...he learned from his mistakes. I couldn't ask for a better husband for my daughter!



Personally I wouldn't handle the girlfriend at all ...for example when he doesn't feel like going over so he ask you to tell her he is grounded...thats just adding fuel to the fire and making you look like your doing injustice. More than likely...cause children are great at it....he fibs to her and uses you to aid them which creates even more DRAMA.



In my opinion..(I have a 2 son's) I would tell him he must tell her he doesn't want to, or break it off, because if he has to lie to her then it isn't the kind of relationship he needs. In a way without you truly meaning to you are enableing him, and showing him it is ok to lie..and I don't think thats what you want or you wouldn't have him going to seminary. He is 17 years old, and you are the one that is showing him how to treat women in his future relationships...and she just might end up being your future daughter in law. He maybe giving her the idea he plans on marring her..and this will not be sitting up a future family relationship. As mothers we all want to protect our children no matter their actions but as mothers we have to step back and look at what we are protecting.



I do feel you have good intent! Hope you keep us updated on how things work out!

Jane - posted on 10/04/2011

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I suggest you take your son's phone. He is the one you need to have respect your rules. You gave him several chances and he didn't follow through. The girl obviously isn't going to follow your rules, so your son has to learn that he has to do it even if tempted. In fact, I wouldn't have spoken to the girl at all, but just kept it between you and your son.

I would suggest that you stop trying to have a "relationship" with the girl's parents. You know that they are not holding their daughter accountable and appear to believe that her every word is a pearl. Just be polite right back and hope that they will decide that your son is "not good enough" for their darling.

She appears to be quite a manipulator so you can also hope that she pulls a stunt on your son that will let him know she isn't the right girl for him. In any case, she needs to follow house rules at your place and if she refuses perhaps your son will realize that the relationship needs to end.

But do not try to end it for him. That would only strengthen it. Let see for himself what she an her parents really are.

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Evelyn - posted on 10/29/2011

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kill them with kindness and pray a lot, let them talk all they want but disrespecting in front of your child is a no no stand and give them the same treatment, and never socialize with them again, but before all that talk to the girl and tell her to speak to her parents because your not going to take it no more, and I tell you one ting it might not be you they might not like your son after all so they take it out on you, Converse with them as well if that doesn't work brush them off and pray for God doesn't like the ugly by this I mean the ugly inside not out.best of luck

Toni - posted on 10/28/2011

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Send a written invitation for lunch/dinner to your son's girlfriends parents. Have a sit down with you, your spouse, your son, his girlfriend and her parents. Then everyone is there to hash out all their differences. Hopefully you can reach a calm medium. Good luck and God Bless.

Christine - posted on 10/07/2011

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That's a beautiful quote by your daughter Kim... thank you for sharing that. You SHOULD be proud... sounds like she's a wonderful young lady.
I just keep plugging along, knowing deep down that this job of parent is a thankless one, and that if I keep my actions and thoughts moving in the right direction... toward my son's safety, education, building upon strong integrity and instilling solid values and trust... that we'll both come out winners in the end. I really do try and keep the thoughts and actions of others around him, to their parents,... but when you have the actions of parents coming into play, it just makes it difficult. I will not stop letting my son know that I love him, how proud I am of him and how I want ALL the opportunities in the world for him. So.. maybe one day, he'll look back and know I did all of this because i love him.
HOpe that doesn't come across as cheesy... or ... whatever, but sometimes I do make mistakes and i do try and own up to them. I'm not a perfect parent by FAR... but i have good intentions.

Kim - posted on 10/07/2011

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Christine ...you asked Quote:" My ultimate question that I need some advice on right now.. is ... since they have continued to see each other, and i don't really have much to think about the girlfriends mom.., how do allow my son to go to their house, knowing she doesn't respect our family? Do i need to have a healthy relationship with the mom? AND... if she's not respecting our values and family rules... how do i know she's not allowing him to go upstairs alone with her daughter, or other things? I don't assume that she is.. .but it is a worry and concern. "



I think one thing you said in the post prior to your questions may play a big part in how those questions can be answered. you stated "He even read the nasty texts I was getting from the girlfriends mom. And at first,. .. he was shocked, but as the next day came, he lashed out at me and asked me why I would just keep arguing with her?" Did the girlfriends mom offer to show the text you sent or just hear say?



If it was just hear say...your son will need to come to terms that there is lack of creditablity on the girlfriends mothers part. No you don't have to have a good relationship with the girlfriends mother but it could be beneficial. If you are concerned that your son may have the opportunity to have private moments with the girl I would take the neccessary steps to make sure he knows for every action there is a reaction...Sex can result in a lifetime commitment of caring for a child...even if they don't stay together. I'm sure you have had these talks with him...but maybe he might need to be reminded.



If you haven't already, you might want to set him down and talk to him about this, and let him know you don't approve of him taking those actions at this point and time in his life, but you know he is human...if you feel it is possible he will take part of sexual relationship he might need to be educated on how the mother of the girlfriend might react to her daughter becoming pregnant..so he might want to buy some protection if he chooses to go down the path you don't wish for him. I always tell my son, "I am raising you to be an honorable man, If I didn't care or love you, I would let you do as you please...but I do love you, I am your mother the one that is responsible to setting the stepping stones to prepare you for the day you become independant. You aren't an adult until you can claim and own your mistakes, and make them right" I remind him there are people in this world that can be 100 years old and not be an adult.



One of the best things is to provide him with the information of all STD's and what will result with each one if he gets or gives one to someone in his life...such as clamitia...can make them both sterile...or Herpies the gift that keeps giving...same as HIV...etc... Letting him know that it is harder to see on men then women...what to look for... maybe let him meet some young man that is providing for a child before he grew up himself.



I pray your son will be self respecting and respectful to his own family...and choose to make the right choices! Wishing you the best!

Christine - posted on 10/07/2011

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As much as I wished that would of worked, I tried. I sit down with my son about every argument.. or frustration that I can. He even read the nasty texts I was getting from the girlfriends mom. And at first,. .. he was shocked, but as the next day came, he lashed out at me and asked me why I would just keep arguing with her? I didn't argue, mind you... i simply texted and talked to the mom, about how our family runs, how the values stand now, and will continue to stand.. and how respecting our teachers, and time when in seminary is important and that all I was asking was for her daughter to respect that and let him be during that time of the morning. To which, she gave me an earful. And to the matter of the phone... it has been put on block at that time of the morning. He was warned several times about it, and such as life... bad behavior has consequences. My ultimate question that I need some advice on right now.. is ... since they have continued to see each other, and i don't really have much to think about the girlfriends mom.., how do allow my son to go to their house, knowing she doesn't respect our family? Do i need to have a healthy relationship with the mom? AND... if she's not respecting our values and family rules... how do i know she's not allowing him to go upstairs alone with her daughter, or other things? I don't assume that she is.. .but it is a worry and concern. Thanks everyone....

Donna - posted on 10/06/2011

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I think i would have taken his phone while he was in church and given it back to him after. Obviously this chick is manipulative and a down right liar. I had a friend who was in a relationship with a girl like that, everyone warned him too but he took her side over everyone elses and it blew up right in his face. Dont worry it will eventually end

Kim - posted on 10/05/2011

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Christine thank you for responding to my questions. I feel for you, being put in the middle and totally understand where you stand. I don't believe you are asking to much for anyone to respect your rules. I hope the girlfriend comes to terms with them, for all involved!

Christine - posted on 10/05/2011

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I have stopped... Ms. Jane. Sheesh... but as I believe any parent would do with any of their kids friends, I asked his "friend" to stop the texting. If my son has any friends over to spend time, or hang out... i expect the same rules to be expected. I have never ever had any problems letting his friends know when they are stepping on our family rules. Anywhoo... past that.
To Kim... yes, I know it's from the mother. She has spoken to me one on one, not texts. And thank you also... for the advice and personal info from a mom that has sons. I certainly don't want my son lying, or having me be in the middle of lies that he's telling her. I don't think he is... but in some instances of me texting her out of niceness for my son, it's been when he's missed her at school.. or something like that and he just doesn't want her to worry. I agree, whole heartedly, that he should be taking care of communicating with her, and I have told him that.. but I also love my son and try to help when I can. Trust me when I say... I don't text her now, unless she texts me, in which she does. Things are better. .and I do adore her in a million ways, I just don't want the drama between the families. I am wayyyyyy over it. My only concerns are keeping our home rules, and respectfulness intact... thank you all sooo much for all the input.

Christine - posted on 10/05/2011

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Thanks so much for responding... and trust me, I have taken my son's phone away, and he was given consequences for his actions. His phone has now been blocked for that certain time in the morning as a result of this. To which now..I get nothing but grief over from his girlfriend and her parents. And yes, I have lived and learned and am now trying my hardest to just keep it between me and my son., but that's hard in itself. If he's having a relationship with this girl.. .she's obviously going to be talking to me, communicating and coming over. Even when I've texted her out of the request of my son for some reason, (example: to let her know he's grounded from his phone or whatever it may be) I get pissy texts from her parents. It's ridiculous.
As far as a relationship with her parents, I'm not trying to ... but again, we do need to know them and know that our son is safe and in a good place when he's with them. That's about as far as our relationship goes... and I'm pretty sure that's as far as it will ever go.
The girlfriend is very manipulative... she shows big signs of always getting what she wants, and if she doesn't get her way, then she creates BIG drama. I will not be the one to end their relationship for sure. I know better than that... but wishing it isn't bad... ha ha...right? Thanks again for helping me talk about this... it really helps a lot.

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