What is punishment for 14 and 16 yr brothers fist fighting?

June - posted on 09/06/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )

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Prior to school my two boys got in a physical fight. One of the boys then went on in a rage cussing and broke a chair and a fan, slamming them against the wall. I am still in shock at the violence, and I do not know what to do. Even my husband could not prevent what happened. I don't know why my boy has such anger. Help! Any words to encourage or help me would be appreciated.

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Bobbie - posted on 09/23/2012

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Dinner together is fantastic! you are going to learn a lot about them once they get past the point of feeling forced into and go with the flow. Seems a dinner table is a great microphone for stepping up with info you normally wouldn't hear. They just aren't wired to talk to us. But they let their guard down, especially with desserts :) I got to the point where I served a dessert every night that we had family dinners. It really gave them a chance to relax and enjoy.

Desserts spelled backward is stressed LOL



My kids loved it when I pulled out ice cream to go on apple pie

I know it is hard to work and bake and I not every one will love to bake like I do so you can get fun and creative with store bought stuff.

- hostess cupcake with ice cream

- applesauce and red hot candies

- banana sliced into canned peaches served with whip topping

- hot chocolate with graham crackers



My son still remembers those desserts fondly and tells people how I once made those jello gigglers. They were so chewing that the dog spit it out. Now you know it's bad if the garbage gut dog won't eat them. We laughed so hard we were in stitches. We got out of control and started throwing them against the patio door to see they would stick. We then threw one up and it bounced off the ceiling, after leaving a nice square red mark that stayed there until we moved. LOL

Amy - posted on 09/07/2012

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Its the hormones and the age. My son (19) went through this stage at 15-17. I would just keep taking to him. He really thought he was going crazy. He said he felt so much anger that he could just punch someone and hurt them. I took him to a therapist who wanted to put him on meds. Medication has a place and time, but not here. He was a 15yr old who was hormonal. Don and I would talk and I just kept at it. Telling him he was a strong healthy boy whose body was becoming a man. He will feel like this and part of growing up is learning how to handle it.



When babies are growing and developing they go through different stages. AKA the terrible twos. They don't know how to handle things and have tantrums. Same thing on a much bigger level. They need guidance on how to handle situations. The strangest things would set him off and he would react so unreasonably. I had to talk to him.



We also have to put in place rules. I had two. We don't hurt others, and we don't hurt ourselves. Period. Many parents aways say,"just walk away". Its not a solution to their problem, and in there eyes not an option. I had to do my best as his parent to teach him coping skills. Something many children are not taught. I had to teach him how to respectfully handle a situation. Some times it worked and sometimes it didn't.



We still got into some fights. But I still feel that is what boys do. Don't let it just go, when everyone cools down a conversation needs to happen in the family on how things could have been handled. the boys need to figure these things out for themselves, not told what they should have done. They need a guided conversation on next time what could they do instead.



That is what we do. Guide them into adults. To be functioning and productive adults. That is our job. I always say to my kids, I am not your friend. I am your parent. You will not always like what I do, but when you calm down and think about what and why, you will always see I have your best intentions at heart.

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June - posted on 09/24/2012

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Good idea, Bobbie. I happen to be a good dessert maker so I will add that on. Just had my younger son talk back to his coach. He has a problem with authority when he doesn't feel he did anything wrong. I'm afraid he will end up getting kicked off the team. I told him to come home right after school. He said "I'm not getting punished for the coach yelling at me." If he doesn't come home right after like I told him, I will turn his phone off & no allowance. I don't know what else to do.

Amy - posted on 09/14/2012

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Your on a good path. Also. Look into a life coach as approsed to a counselor. They are at a perfect age. Good luck.

June - posted on 09/14/2012

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We took younger one to counseling, and I don't know if he got much out of it. Then don't want to go to counseling and the counselor told us if you don't want to go it won't be effective. We parents went to counseling & I don't know if we got much out of it. I seem to get more out of reading books and getting advice from you moms out there. I'm also not a big believer of meds. Things have cooled down & there is no more fighting so hopefully it won't happen again. We are making both boys have family dinner Sun through Thurs so we get a chance to all be together and talk.

Amy - posted on 09/14/2012

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I agree with Queen Byst. Just be weary of anyone who just wants to throw your kids on meds. They aren't always the answer.

Queen - posted on 09/12/2012

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counseling and lots of it! boys are very hormonal at this age and need lots guidance and strong male role models.

June - posted on 09/07/2012

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Amy, I agree with you on all points. I wanted both of them to be punished so that they know it takes two to fight and there are options other than swinging back and feeling justified. I will continue to do a lot of talking to them about handling things. They both cooled down today and came hope after school to work chores to pay for the damaged things. Phone and grounding seem to be the punishment that hits them hardest as they don't have much in the way of electronic games and stuff. Thank you for your wisdom.

Amy - posted on 09/07/2012

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Sorry and for the punishment, I would hit them where ever it hurts. Mine would suffer greatly by taking the xbox and computer and cell, for a designated amount of time. Whatever you feel is reasonable. And the both of them would suffer the same consequence, even if it meant combining punishments to get the same effect for the both of them. So no phone, which Don would suffer and no xbox so Joe would suffer. Why do both get punished instead of the instigator? Because they both could have either handled it differently and not pushed buttons, or walked away.

Jenny Lee - posted on 09/07/2012

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i can totally relate to this. i have 13 year old and 14 year old boys. the oldest stand 6 foot. and my 13 year old is fixin to pass me up. Im a single parent who works all the time. it breaks my heart because my boys dont get along. i have talked to them repeatly. my brother was taken from me 13 years ago. he was murdered. i try to express what brotherly love is all about and how i would move mountains to see my big brother again. i do alot of praying about the fighting.. they have stabbed each other with pencils, fist fights, name calling. its overwhelming. taking more time and spending with them as a family unit and doing active things with both of them has really helped their anger towards each other. everything isnt perfect but putting God first in our lives has made all the difference!!! good luck

S. - posted on 09/07/2012

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I don't have boys, I have 3 girls but I do have 3 grown nephews 19, 17 and 15 I am very close to all of them and watched all them go threw a horrible stage, the 15 year old had major behaviour problems when he was younger but all 3 lads are nice Young men now, from what I remember the horrible stage lasted about a year to a year and half tops, I think for girls it goes on till they leave home lol.



Feel free to contact me any time if you need a bit of support or a moan :)

June - posted on 09/07/2012

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Thank you, Stacey. Just to hear from you makes me feel stronger. I will stay strong. I believe they are seeing just what they can get away with and "throwing their newfound size and strength around". As far as drugs, we did have that problem with both boys but it's cleared up now, and I know that through drug testing. That is a whole different long horrible story, but so far I am winning that battle. Nobody warned me that my life would be upside down once the boys turned teens.

S. - posted on 09/07/2012

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Just stick to your guns stay firm. He's probably trying to throw his weight around to see were it's gonna get him. One of my nephews squared up to his mother, when he was a teenager my sister put the 6ft boy on his arse and he never did it again, she does admit she has know idea how she did it lol.

Just a thought too could he be using any drugs? The Cranky mood swings could be explained if he's abusing drugs, he could just be a teenager thou!

June - posted on 09/07/2012

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Okay I grounded both and took phones away for only one day, but the older one flipped out because "he didn't throw the first punch". I didn't waiver on the punishment and he ended up in a tirade yelling. Then he got so frustrated he put his fist into a glass framed picture. Glass went everywhere, and he cut his knuckles. Now I am making his earn through extra chores money to pay for the frame. The younger one gracefully accepted his punishment and will earn to pay for the damaged chair. We had the "no violence" talk. I hope this gets better.

S. - posted on 09/06/2012

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He probably is! Just a thought, When my daughter started high school her attitude became horrible, i read somewhere that they pick things up from school but then try them out on loved one because "it's safe" may be he see's his brother as "safe" or maybe he has Just lost his temper and sipmly that. either way as long as they have a big consequence hopefully they'll grow out of it.

June - posted on 09/06/2012

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Thank you. Yes good idea to make him pay. Guess that will be with his allowance. I have tried to talk to him about the anger but I never get anything buy silence. Maybe he is tired of being pushed around by his older brother.

S. - posted on 09/06/2012

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I'd make the boy who broke the stuff pay for them to be replaced, I'd also ground and take things off them for a while and I'd sit them down and lecture that violence is a no go especially to each other.

Maybe when it's all calmed down ask him about the anger thing, he could be getting bullied or it could simply be he was pushing his boundaries.

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