What to do when you read your teen's text messages and are shocked with what you find?

Harriet - posted on 01/20/2013

I'm a 14 yr old girl.. not a parent

I think you guys need to understand that privacy is a big thing for girls my age... we don't always want you to know the boys we like or the girls we've fallen out with, purely because you don't need to. My mom generally respects my privacy and doesn't snoop on my phone or facebook account because she trusts me, so i respect that trust and i don't abuse it ...

Nina - posted on 11/20/2012

I agree that making a big deal out of something that's not isn't the best way to go about things, but that doesn't mean the texts can be deleted before you get a copy if you know what you're doing. ;) As long as your child is aware that it's not personal property and everything is open to your perusal, it's not as much of a problem. If the rules are made ahead of time as suggested, this can be a good thing. If a parent does the proper research before the phone is purchased, many issues can be prevented. Dana is right. A parent can't protect her children from everything - a certain amount of drama is normal wear and tear. There are many ways to be tuned in, but out doesn't hurt to cover all the bases.

Dana - posted on 11/20/2012

If it is not illegal or harmful to your teen or someone else, leave it alone. It is a window into what is going on in that child's life and can be very useful tool for you as a parent. If you make a big deal about it, the texts will only be deleted and your ability to gain useful insights gone forever.

Sheena - posted on 11/19/2012

Did you go looking or accidentally find it? I think this makes a difference in how you approach it. With my teens we discussed us checking the phones before we actually gave it to them. This makes it easier when this situation arises.

Katherine - posted on 11/19/2012

I feel that you should not read their messages, unless you have a genuine concern.

Kids talk to there parents very different than they do to their friends and a lot of the time they are trying to fit in,

Do not believe what you read is the truth inside their immature minds.

Nikki - posted on 11/18/2012

If you are encountering things you are uncomortable with concerning your teenager then a discussion is in order. Open communication both ways is key.

Vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv - posted on 11/15/2012

You should have a talk with her and make her tell the truth. The truth is always better!!

Nina - posted on 11/15/2012

I think each child is different, however I'm doubtful that sneaking around to check up on a child, as Lisa pointed out, is the most efficient way to build a close bond. If they don't know and they're forced to find out during a difficult or intense confrontation with a parent, he/she loses the authority/high ground of having acted in a trustworthy manner as a parent. A child is often irritated with the knowledge that her parent that involved(aka "nosy"), but knowing is better than an unwelcome surprise and the destruction of trust that occurs upon finding out she's been snooped on. However, I really like the idea that Shannon attempts to be subtle in her efforts to interfere in her daughter's relationships. I believe that if both honesty and subtlety were employed, a child might feel both protected and respected which is what all parents want their children to feel. It definitely encourages open communication as a teenager explores her world while still needing her parent's approval, acceptance and protective safety net.

Shanon - posted on 11/15/2012

I never let my daughter know that I had read her text. I just kinda hinted at the issues and tried to discourage contact with the boy in question.

Tired Of Fighting! - posted on 11/09/2012

We went thru a similar situation. We informed our 14 yr old of what is acceptable and unacceptable texting. The particular girl that was sending the inappropriate messages is in the past now. We planted the bug, but he found out on his own and discontinued conversing with her. We now turn his phone off ourselves when we deem necessary. We have access to his phone on line and just like that-shut it down!

Michelle1544 - posted on 11/09/2012

Take away the phone and internet for a few days and let them know that when they do have it back you will have an "Open cell phone" policy , meaning that you will have access to it whenever you want to check up on her ability to keep texts appropriate and if she continues to be inappropriate then she will loose it for longer periods of time. Make her write a paper about the permanency of texts and the possible consequences of things she's said .

Nina - posted on 11/07/2012

April brings up a good point and parents should know that the law says underage kids sending sexual pictures is child pornography and both parties can be prosecuted for being in possession of this material.

April - posted on 11/07/2012

A teenager will be texting and getting into trouble with a cell phone sexting and child pornogrophy are skyrocketing out of control. If you pay for the cell phone then tell her you read the texts and your taking it for how ever long. Depending on the severity of the texts. We do our best to teach our kids right from wrong but the best way they learn is from their own mistakes. So be tough but understanding.

Lisa - posted on 11/06/2012

You're right Nina - we don't know and my answer totally missed that point.



Of course there are desperate times and desperate reactions to those times and in the end it is all about keeping your kids safe so if and when the alarm bells sound and panic takes over and there is no choice then you do what you have to do to save your kid when it's dangerous, life threatening or illegal.



Starting early with straightforward rules and expectations that are clear and understood is the best way to go in my opinion but even when you do that, something can go wrong and you can find yourself in a situation you didn't count on or plan for and then you have to wing it - even if that means throwing yourself in front of the bus to save your child - that's what you do when you are a mom.

Nina - posted on 11/06/2012

Oops. For some reason, I thought Nell mentioned her son being 17.

Nina - posted on 11/06/2012

I agree, Lisa. Wet don't know everything that's going on with Nell. Spying on her son is a stop gap measure and won't fix the problem of not having a good relationship with effective communication. However, it's a first step if there's a possibility of get child being in danger of drug addiction, etc. 17 years old is very late to be getting involved in a child's life, but better late than never. Be aware, Nell, that if there's funny business going on - drugs, alcohol use/abuse, whatever - any treatment must include your active involvement in his therapy. If not, the courts may force the issue by ordering you to attend and cooperate with his care.

Chloe - posted on 11/06/2012

you have to because NONE of them tell us everything we need to know

Lisa - posted on 11/06/2012

I don't know - it might be a little harder to be honest and straightforward when parenting but I think in the long run you do better and build better relationships.



I don't want my kids to be sneaky so I don't model it for them.



I do value honesty and we place a major amount of importance on in in our home. It's hard enough to impress that value on kids - I think you have to walk the walk if you want it to work so I don't advocate sneaking around to spy on your kids.



Lisa



http://myrollercoasterkid.com/lying-and-...

Sheena - posted on 11/06/2012

Well like I tell my children, What you do in the Dark will come out in the Light!!

Chloe - posted on 11/06/2012

I had the same problem with my 17 year old and NOOOO if it not life threatening don't tell her...You may ruin your chance of finding out something that may come up in the future. I would just keep an extra eye out for whatever it was that you found and interrupt it for example. My daughter made plans to go to a Halloween party before she asked me so when she did ask I had a bunch of questions that if she didnt answer right I would not have allowed her to go. It's hard keeping it in but if they find out they will just get sneakier and you wont find anything out.

Sheena - posted on 11/05/2012

I think you should put cellphone rules in place. He has to give it in at a certain time. Either you choose the time or sit down and you both discuss a respectable time, especially on school nights. Let him kñow that you will be checking it periodically. I suggest not everyday, you would drive yourself insane. Also, let him know that you will question inapproiate things that you find on it. That would help him to think about things before he texts etc, know that you may see it.

Lastly there has to be a consequence for inapproiate things you find, like taking it for a length of time and the last resort, remove the most important features.

Nina - posted on 11/05/2012

If he refuses to give you his phone, you can have it suspended.

Nina - posted on 11/05/2012

Nell, it depends on your provider or just take it. There are apps you can install on his phone so that you get a copy of all texts, you can track him, listen to conversations etc., depending upon the app.

Nell - posted on 11/05/2012

How do I read his cellphone? He keeps it on him!

Sheena - posted on 10/30/2012

Ditto Lisa. They usually understand and appreciate you as they get older. My 25 year old certainly does.

Sheena - posted on 10/30/2012

We have the same per-paid cards here in Bermuda and you top it up whenever it gets low. My concern with these cards was my children being stranded somewhere and the card has run out of money or they use the no money left on the card as an excuse why they didn't couldn't answer. My daughter also worked hard to buy herself a new phone, but the house rules still apply. I feel if they know that your checking they will be cautious and think before they doing anything inapproiate.

Lisa - posted on 10/30/2012

Hey Michelle - we have pay as you go here too but I think the point here is unacceptable behavior. As long as its my child, that trumps who pays for the phone in my opinion.



As the parent I am ultimately responsible for my child's behavior and am responsible to monitor him - that would include any interaction with others, virtual or otherwise. If we were talking about a diary that would be different.

Angela - posted on 10/30/2012

In the UK most kids with phones pay for the phones themselves. They use a prepayment plan and load up credit by buying vouchers. My own children did this. So I did NOT buy the phone or pay for any of the credit. As such I would've had no right to look at the phone.



Quite a lot of adults have prepayment phones as well.



Looking after, paying for and organising their own prepayment phone teaches kids budgeting and responsibility.

Rachel - posted on 10/30/2012

I tell my son that as long as I'm paying for the phone, I have a right to read whatever is on it.

If I find anything that I'm not happy about, I talk to him about it. I don't tell at him but I talk to him.

Sheena - posted on 10/29/2012

Thanks Nina, I appreciate the acknowledgement. My husband and I are not afraid to be the bad people in their lives. When they had to be in by dark and couldn't go certain places they weren't happy with us, and their friends use to qusetion them why? But we always explain why so they understand that it is oñly to benefit them and for their safety.

Lisa - posted on 10/29/2012

Hi Nina - Perhaps the 'trick' to this is to start very young - the first facebook account my daughter had was when she was 8 which I set up with all the restrictions etc., and at 8 - you don't get much backlash about that kind of thing.



As time goes along they are accustomed to the whole idea so it's not like I'm diving in and making a big deal about needing to see stuff. I don't make myself obvious on their facebook pages, and if I have an issue with a discussion I talk to them about it "off the book".



I also don't sweat the small stuff which I guess helps them kind of forget I'm there.



Sure, I'd be all over duplicate accounts and deleting texts as soon as they are sent and arrived too - but I also didn't grow up in a home where I was allowed to have an opinion that wasn't fed to me by my parents and I certainly wasn't welcomed to talk about things either - I hope that the open communication I've tried to have with my kids all along will pay off.



My oldest is 18 (how did THAT happen) and so far it seems to have paid off ;)



http://www.myrollercoasterkid.com

Sheena - posted on 10/29/2012

Thanks Nina, we have had our challenges, this is just with my middle child, she is the only one that use to challenge me sometimes, the other two didn't do this. I do believe she does trust my judgement now, after she saw that I was correct about a few of my warnings. I feel talking to your children and supporting them in everything they do, even when it's negative, they need to know that you are there for them. Also accepting that they aren't going to share Everything with you is important. All my chldren share a lot with me and I'm happy with that and the fact that they know they can share anything with me, I'm good. I just pray that its all the important stuff.

Nina - posted on 10/28/2012

That's great, Lisa. You have a real flair for hitting home with your children and making it clear it's about them and their safety. I would like you and others to be aware, though, that there will always be a way around this. I would have been very intolerant of this kind of supervision and not responded well, but each child is different. I simply would have scanned my phone for tracking/spy software and/or disabled it and kept separate accounts. There is always a way, children will find it and I'm glad your children don't find this so intrusive that they take these measures. It's a sign they trust your judgement and authority over them. That's HUGE!

Lisa - posted on 10/28/2012

That has happened to me as well but I've always made it clear from the beginning that cell phones and computers are 'mine' and while I pay for them and they are my kids - still children - they have to friend me on facebook, give me passwords etc., so I can do reality checks now and again. They have all agreed and I don't have much issue.



When I did find my oldest with messages I was uncomfortable with on msn messenger years ago I had him delete them. We discussed what was wrong with them and how those things could never be taken back. He had to post his status on messenger with "I said some things that weren't very nice and to remind me that this is a privilege that I abused, I'm not allowed to use my computer for 2 weeks"



'The Talk' these days goes way beyond the birds and the bees - there is so much more to take into consideration when raising our kids - social media, cell phones, web pages and internet safety are all issues that deserve our attention. Good luck.



http://www.myrollercoasterkid.com

Nina - posted on 10/28/2012

Sheena, it's a delicate balance between discipline and alienating your child. You seem to have that down :) All children act out SOMEWHAT and do things they're not supposed to, but you reigned her in while maintaining a good relationship with your daughter. That's a terrific achievement!

Nina - posted on 10/28/2012

Sheena, I applaud you for the consistency of your parenting.

Sheena - posted on 10/28/2012

I've been there. It was a shocker to me that I cried. She was mad at me because she asked me to go somewhere andI told her Yes! Two days later her teacher contacted me to tell me she has been late for school for three days so I asked her about it and told her she couldn't go to the event. I periodically check her cell phone and this time I heard a recorded message with her talking to a friend,calling me names and cursing. Which was the first time I heard her talk that way. I didn't tell her I heard it until about two months later she asks to go somewhere I didn't appprove of and when I said No! She got mad and I said to he, are you going to call me a ... and I quoted the same words she used on the recording back to her. She was shocke, her expression was Priceless. I told her I never had my Mom to call names, but all my friends did and everyone of them are successful today because of their Moms, so that's OK. The only thing she could do was cry. That was two years ago.Today we have a very good relationship.

Nina - posted on 10/27/2012

That's a bit different from the inappropriate phone usage/texting implied by Michelle, Patricia, but I'm glad that you and your daughter worked things out. :)

Cassandra - posted on 10/27/2012

I took my daughters phone for a month. I also told her i would remove texting if I found any more crap like I had found.

Patricia - posted on 10/26/2012

My kids look at my text messages because i have nothing to hide because we use our phones for what they are simply phones

Patricia - posted on 10/26/2012

My daughter and i had a very close relationship and she made to stupid prank calls to 000 and when i tried to calmly discuss it and asked her why and told her of what that could have done to someone else if they needed emergency i went through all 3 and in her teen age attitude she does shrugged it off and did'nt care i put the hammer through her phone and grounded her until she could care about and respect other human beings it is not always the relationship between parent and child sometimes they do go astray but most of the time with guidance and effort they come back to you my daughter did and thanks me for doing what i did she says she is a bettere person because of it i never bring it up she does

Ebony Gulsum - posted on 10/26/2012

On the 30th of deccembr my family are going to Gambia that is a poor country every day even if you go to that country only how long you want to go

Ebony Gulsum - posted on 10/26/2012

HI,

How are you today because i am fine this smornig

Nina - posted on 10/25/2012

Ok. Michele, I just want you to know that my sister had the same issue with her 15 year old. Inappropriate texts were sent/received. Unfortunately, if she had a closer relationship with my niece, this would not have happened. My niece's phone was taken away and she was grounded, etc. , but this will NEVER fix the problem. If my niece had a better support system in her immediate family, she wouldn't feel the need to find attention by way of inappropriate texts. I don't live that close or I could be there for her more. My sister had enough reason to look and my niece was warned. My niece now needs this supervision. However, many teens have their privacy invaded needlessly. This isn't a good thing as it only shows the parent is not in control and can't communicate effectively with his/her child. Trust is a two way street and starts with the parent, not the child who merely models the behavior of others. Trust is not something that's earned unless there has been a breach or betrayal of that trust, then it can be earned back. To say that trust automatically must be earned says your child is unworthy of trust. Not to make this a religious issue, but I don't believe in original sin and I believe to teach your child that they're inherently untrustworthy is irresponsible. You're setting yourself and your child up for failure. Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Something has happened to cause this disconnect between yourself and your child - as the parent, it's your responsibility to discover the source

and repair the problem. How? Talk to your child and find out A) What feelings or attitudes, misconceptions or influences have resulted in these behaviors. B) What your child needs to compensate for whatever he/she is getting from these unhealthy behaviors in a healthy way. (Something else must replace thi s unhealthy reward or the behavior won't stop.) C) Reconnect with your child by finding out why THEY don't trust YOU with what's going on in their lives. Despite the fact that your child is obligated to obey you, IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FOSTER TRUST AND ACCEPTANCE.

Shawnn - posted on 10/25/2012

Molly, who pays for your phone? Is it you, or your parents? If it's your parents, then THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE for any content on that phone, which gives them the legal right to search without consent.



If you pay for your phone, then you have a right to privacy on it.



Simple enough. You'll understand, when the shoe is on the other foot, and you're all of a sudden being a hypocrite and searching your kid's room, or reading their email/texts...because your view then will be "I pay for it, I'm responsible for this kid till he's 18, and I'm not gonna get in trouble for something my kid is being stupid about".



But, hey, you're 19, so you obviously KNOW EVERYTHING about raising kids! Good luck with that.



As I said in another post responding to you, I'm glad you're not my kid. You'd have learned a whole different definition of responsibility, accountability and consequences.



"trust me" you say...but how can we trust a child that has openly admitted that she doesn't follow her parents rules, doesn't heed their restrictions, and basically could care less about what they say?



Oh, BTW, I regularly check my kids texts, emails, facebook, etc, AND THEY REMIND ME TO!!! Because they've learned that trust is earned, not given. Respect is earned, not given, and freedom is earned.

Molly - posted on 10/25/2012

Would you like if your mom looked through your text messages? Answer is no. Would you like if your daughter/son looked through your text messages if you don't want her/him to see anything you may have texted to your husband or boyfriend? Look I'm 19 years old and never in my life time has my mother ever looked through my text messages. Trust me if she did i would of been drug tested for weed. And i bet i would never be able to see my old boyfriend in high school ever again or go to a party cause there is always a beer to drink. If it was about sex, well I'm sorry about that but you still should not look through her text messages once you tell her what you saw she will get into more stuff trust me that's how it works. She would be mad at you and never trust you again or talk to you. Don't be a stalker to your kid looking through text messages like that. Your a mom you want your child to be safe but you got to trust her. If i was ever a mom i would trust my kids not look through their phone. It's not like when they go to a party they don't see drugs, or beer cans, even people making out. If you tell her she will back fire don't expect her not to. Hope this somehow helps but its life and when i was that age i did things i don't regret it. I had fun and still am having fun. Good luck.

Lucy - posted on 10/20/2012

in my opinion -

i am guessing that until now you always thought your child was a sweet little boy? now your finding out that he is not just some bound up little boy, he is a grown boy, a "teen." teens are not concealed off from the entire world as parents think they are... so when you found this txt you were shocked that he is not your 3 year old boy anymore who only wanted a doll rather than a psp or whatever else they have nowadays.

also try to find out who his friends are, is usually helps to see if he is hanging out with kids who just wanna show off and do the stupidest things.

and if its just cursing for no real reason (like i hate this **** teacher)... then i am guessing that he just got the phone, that means you shouldn't worry and its just a passing thing, kids just txt a lot when they just get a cell-phone.

if its other stuff you saw in a txt, then i think you should confront him about it.

Kristi - posted on 10/18/2012

Ah-Ha...good catch, Angela! ; )

Stephanie - posted on 10/17/2012

Well. I guess it might be time to sit down and talk with your 15 year old. May be have a night out together, if you can do that. And leave the phones at home when you do this.

Angela - posted on 10/14/2012

@ Kristi C - QUOTE:



"Your comments and suggestions sound more credible to many, if your grammar is acurate"



Yours would be too - if you spelled the word "accurate" correctly .... It has TWO C's!!