What to do with a disrespectful 16 year old boy?

Debbie - posted on 10/25/2009 ( 91 moms have responded )

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I have a 16 year old son that does not listen to any rules that we give him. If I tell him to come home after school to get his chores done, then he can go to his girlfriends house-he goes straight to her house and gets home later than his curfew. This resulted in him getting grounded for 3 days. Grounding does nothing for my 16 year old boy's behavior. He could not care in the least. So today he was able to go out with his girlfriend and was asked to be home by 6 and to check in throughout the day, he did text me once at around 12 but he just got home almost 2 hours late... How do you handle a situation like this?

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RR - posted on 04/10/2013

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My 16 year old son has been steadily failing his school courses. From 9th grade he would say, "it'll get better", same in 10th grade. Now in 11th grade, he says it's "too late", as his counsellor has said his GPA is 2.0. He's become physically aggressive and disrespectful. He comes home from school and eats and eats (everything he can find) then goes to sleep! When I try to stop him, he pushes me out of his room. I have given up on him being normal now. Don't know why he has become like this. He blames me for watching him and yells at me for checking his grades and "being on his case" . Our doors are broken as well as windows from his force. sometimes I lock him out so that he can't sleep and eat all the time. I am so stressed , because I know he should be studying and doing homework as he is naturally intelligent, but all he does is laze around. I take his Xbox and phone away but he drives me craZy. I just want him to go away somewhere so we can have some peace in the house. College is too far off and who knows if he'll get in anyway. Does anyone know where I can send him so that he can learn the value of all we provide for him and learn to be grateful for everything his family is? He takes everything for granted and has such a sense of entitlement that I wish he could go to live in an orphanage to see what it feels like to not have anything or anyone. I know it sounds harsh but I've become so bitter and at my wits end. Dont know what to do anymore...

RR - posted on 06/08/2013

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So to follow up with my previous post, I have tried to leave him alone to see if he changes and does his school work. But instead he has gotten worse! His room is like a twister went through it, school work not done, laundry thrown around. I signed him up to take the SAT and ACT but he screamed all the way there and told me I forced him to take it and that I'm "a piece of shit". He also said he "hates" me and I'm a stupid woman and doesn't want to do well so that I cannot be happy. I cry everyday for him to either straighten up or go away so that I can have some peace and cleanliness in my home. The father doesn't do anything....thinks it's my fault that he's turned out that way. Just because I want to keep track of his grades! I'm so disappointed that I have a son who hates me and wants to go far away as possible. I'm at my wits end now and either he has to leave the house or I will. Does anyone know if he can finish his senior year of HS abroad? I want to send him to my parents in UK.

Laura - posted on 07/07/2013

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Just reading through all of these comments makes me feel like I am not alone. A week ago my husband told my 16 year old he wasn't welcome in our home and needed to go live with his father. My son makes being his parent very hard and makes this momma sad. He has little to no respect for anyone or anything in our home. He doesn't hesitate to throw things when he doesn't get his way, cuss and slam things around. He's even gone so far as to threaten me when I've tried to ground him. The most recent issue was his latest girlfriend. I found many disturbing things on her instagram, ask.fm and twitter account and realized she does drugs and drinks and she's 15 years old. Besides all the other filthy things I read, the drugs and alcohol were the most disturbing. Since I have 3 other younger children I just was very honest and told my son he could not have the girl in our home and I didn't want him to go to her house either. He tried to start a fight with me but I avoided it. The next day I came home from work and he had been messing around with his younger brother and broke his brothers phone. When my husband came home he was questioning my oldest and they ended up fighting (not fist fighting) and my son told my husband (his stepfather) he is dumb and he could F-off. That was the last straw and my husband told him he needs to go live with his father! It's been very tough, I hope in time my son realizes that at 16 there are rules he must follow and earning our trust and keeping it, is something he needs to work on. In the mean time, we are all actually enjoying a less stressful home. My 12 year old seems less angry and mouthy since he's not watching his brother treat us all that way. I think teenagers are so different than from when I was a younger.

Leanne - posted on 04/11/2013

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They seem to think they are above any curfew or disciplinary action that you hand out... I too have locked my son out of the house as he is abusive using foul language calling me ugly fat and useless... sometimes I wonder how I can look at him with love

Kevin - posted on 08/05/2013

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Im a Dad of 8 4 girls and 4 boys. Now when they were all babies it was lovely now teenagers driving me round the bend. My 2 boys don't listen even tho i have advise them on life and future but still don't listen.. now my girls are teenagers they listen a bit more but i think they just do that to make me happy.. Im not sure wether im was to strict
on them but that's because my dad was in the army and gave me the same upbringing.
But i still love them all what ever happens. sorry just wanted to talk to someone........

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Steve - posted on 08/28/2014

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Being a young boy myself i look forward to the little incentives that come my way ...i prefer the incentives to the denials. ! !

The philosophy you are using is the rewards -punishment one ..he misbehaves , deny him some things like TV or something he likes. But the counter is also true and right. if he does good encourage him with rewards. what rewards is your choice. extra time with TV or whatever he likes ...he needs incentives to do well. I would suggest a little chat with him work out what he likes and what he will get with his being nice.

But guard against being too restrictive ..he has the right to be who he is..a right to like things that are different from what you like or liked...allow him his personality thats is surely different from yours.

DANNY - posted on 08/27/2014

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Hey Kevin , it's been a year , how goes the battle ?

I believe we are getting payback for the way we were.

It all comes full circle.

No one gets away with anything.

I can remember treating my little sister with disrespect.

I guess it's my turn . I too have a 16 year old who believes he's above it all.

But , we are the "MEN" and head of the family . So , what do we do with that ?

Since Adam , we have lost our balls and women have taken the head role.

What a shame on us for not being the example whether they follow or not.

"THOU NO ONE FOLLOWS , I WILL "

We live in a sinful world and all we can do is continue to thank God for all that we

are and have , and continue to show them the way .

Someone To - posted on 08/22/2014

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Many, if not all of these problems stem not from social media, nor other outside influence, but in the Honduras of your children. First of all, divorce destroys children. Plain and simple. Secondly, locking your kids out of the house is a terrible terrible thing to do. Never, ever, do that. As a parent, you must be firm, but over everything you need to be loving. To question why you love your own son is beyond disgusting. Though this may sound cliche, the one and only thing that has the power to prevent these situations is love. Showing love for your child is the best thing you can do. I've seen an unbelievable amount of unruly, 'terrifying' teenagers be completely turned around simply from compassion. It's astounding. Love and compassion is something that falls apart, especially in divorce, that's why it is so important to instill those virtues in your household. You need to love your children, and show them that. Be compassionate. Be verbal.

Marc B. - posted on 08/20/2014

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As Roy Scheider said in Jaws :"I think you're going to need a bigger boat!"
Our son is a month away from his 16th birthday. He is very bright, a gifted musician and, at times, incorrigible, obnoxious, belligerent, disrespectful and other descriptions that are not rated PG.

We have found that video gaming has had a severely negative influence (did I mention confrontational?) on his very existence. He totally freaks out if he cannot get online with his friends and is constantly scheming to ensure that he gets that time--oblivious of the consequences.

His grades are off and (he has been an honor student since elementary school) and he seem unconcerned. What we have done is get together with the parents of the kids he is online with and try to get some common ground rules, If the parents enforce it, there is a chance that the kids will get the message.

Screaming and yelling is not the way to go, because you will have the heart attack and he will still be playing League of Legends while the EMTs are carrying you out on a gurney.

I have two grown sons who have their own families so I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

It is never too late for them to turn it around. I am sure all of us would rather have them playing video games in their rooms as opposed to them "hanging out" somewhere with friends.

As parents, in this day of technology, instant gratification and "selfies", we have new challenges. Remember, they will move on someday and even though they may never follow your advice, they will follow your example.

So...try to maintain your cool (I know, it ain't easy) and remember we are given children that we can handle, even though at times you probably think that God has a strange sense of humor!

Marc

Wanda - posted on 07/11/2014

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I am a parent of a 16 year old boy who is going on 17 in a couple of months. It has been a uphill battle with this kid since he was a small child. Today is very difficult to raise a child due to all the outside influencing. With all the technology - cell phones, video games - makes it even more challenging. First, parents are not their kids friends and the kids today think we are... we are not!! We are their parents - we know what's best.. there are rules inside the home and outside the home - it is life.. they must learn to deal with it. I continue to stand up to my son - rather he likes it or not.. I really don't care. I see other parents given in and allowing their son to walk all over them.
I am not expert - but i can tell you my experience as a parent. You need to address the outside influence - do not fall into peer pressure cause other parents give into their kids. Ask yourself - If your child is so disrespectful - why allow him or her to have a TV in their room, cell phone - video games. REMOVE THEM and if they turn it around give them back slowly and do yourself and your child a favor - monitor the hours of video play and know what they are playing. My son is 16 and I no not allow "mature" games in my home. In fact for the recent stunt he pulled - he has lost all privileges to TV, cell phones and video games - until I see a change. I wish you all luck.. but you must stand your ground... YOU ARE THE PARENT - you owe it to your child to act like one.

Tony - posted on 06/09/2014

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I agree so much with you. I am not sure what is going on with these kids today. My child takes meds for his ADD and ADHD. This was his first year in High school. I have watched his grades drop throughout the year and his attitude. Thankfully, he doesn't drink or smoke. He has this terrible attitude about everything. He comes home and goes to his room everyday. Sits for hours playing x box. Lately he hasn't been taking his meds like he should. Things have gotten bad around here. Lately they have become physical. It is hard for me to hold back anymore. He trash talks me and my wife and we are done with it. I feel for you and understand what you are going through. I hope things will get better in the future for all of us.

Tylona - posted on 05/11/2014

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Hello Heidi,
My name is Tylona and my son is 16. I have gone thru all sort of challenges with my son. Skippin school failing grades , back talk, back and forth to court for various reasons finally I found a boot camp in Virginia Beach call the commonwealth challenge this is a free program they accept boys and girls to the age of 18 they can we see the GED. Receive training on job skills also teach them discipline. This is a five month program where they stay on base you are allowed to visit and they're allowed to come home on holidays. This is an awesome program 4 out of control youth please feel free to google it. commonwealth challenge in Virginia Beach does wonders for out of control boys and girls. Good luck, and God bless :-)

Heidi - posted on 04/23/2014

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Where do you find these sort of things the scared straight or boot camp any help please!!!

Melissa - posted on 04/16/2014

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Hi.
I have 4 kids ages 17, 16, 11, and 8. My oldest 3 being my boys and baby girl is my youngest of the clan.
I was reading all of your questions and scenarios, and would like to add something to it if I could. I am not a perfect mother by far... My oldest only has 5 credits and will be 18 in 4 months, my 16 year old has been suspended for at least 3 out of a months 4 weeks every September for the last 3 years now for fighting. I can rarely get my 11 year old to do his homework with out threats of brutal punishment pretty much on a daily basis, and etc... I definitely have my hands full of trauma and drama 24/7.
However, My 17 year old calls me so many times a day just to chat, I (shamefully do admit) find myself answering half the calls and greeting him with loud irritated.**WHAT NOW Elijah**.
My 16 year occasionally wakes up on a Saturday and cleans the kitchen, or sweeps and mops the entire house ( the bedrooms and bathrooms included) (++We have no carpet in our house) and or cleans up after the dogs in the backyard or even goes in and cleans the garage so my boyfriend can buy more stuff to pack into it.
He even will offer to take my 2 little ones to the park or to the movies with him and his girlfriend every once in a while when he has extra money to do so.
( my oldest does same thing but usually because he wants to ask for extra money for the event and knows that Ill give it to him because of the selfless offer LOL).
So now that I've given some details, let me back to saying what I set out to say in the first place.
When I look at the drama, and stresses of the situation I'm in, I start to feel overwhelmed, lost and like I must of failed them somewhere along the line because they're not turning out the way they are supposed to.(based on what society says they should turn out to be.) I find myself getting snappy and short tempered, and I yell a lot.
But then I try to look at my situation as if I were a neighbor or just some random person walking down the street and ask myself... What would they see if they were looking through a window at me right now?
I think they would see that I am Lucky to have such a beautiful, close bonded family. That just like any other family we have our issues and flaws, but all in all I have really good kids.
I figure the reason my kids are so helpful to me, and bonded with each other is because I am not trying to rule them, or restrict them in anyway. They know that they can come to me with anything and that I will do my best to help and understand what it is they are going through. I pick my battles with them carefully, don't sweat small things, don't obsess and nag at them about the D in math. Sure you want them to do better, and you cant just let it slide, you need to address it and let them know you don't approve but don't hound and hover over them for it.
Save the arguments and Firm Demands for rules and expectations for things that call for such force and authority such as drugs, sex (or more specifically pregnancy), and things that can severally endanger their lives or future.
That way they will come to you for anything and everything openly without fear of you "Trippen", and you will know first hand what they are doing, getting into, and what you really need to be focusing your attention on. When they trust you on that level, the attitudes will calm down significantly, whether or not you approve of them will become noticeably more important to them, and they will make more of an effort to help keep things at home running smoothly.
Just think about the fact that "We All Were Their Age At One Time", What is it We Wanted From Our Parents At That Time?
What kind of things were we doing, what was important to us back then, and what what was it in life that contributed to how we felt, what we did, and what factors of our lives helped us choose what we did then, and eventually become what we are today.
If you try to put yourself in their shoes, and think like they do before approaching them on things I guarantee you Things will change and you will get the outcome your looking for.
By the way I just want to add that even though my 16 year old is always suspended for fighting(as if hes trying out for a world record) he usually is fighting to defend someone else who don't have it in them to fight back for themselves like his brother or some friends who are constantly being bullied. He has actually been in ROTC for the last 2 years and is expected to graduate next year also. He just cant be perfect, Cuz Nobody is... He's just balanced.

William - posted on 04/14/2014

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To all of you, I'm a 16 year old boy, a teenager, yes we disrespect, it's called hormone problems people, remember when you were our age, you were probably the same, maybe a little more respectful, maybe not, who knows, but religion is surely not the answer (and yes, I'm looking at half of you) because, you think you can PASS religion from you to us, but you can't religion is something of choice, not of duty.
Pay attention to what we say, we WILL be alone, or want to be alone most of the time around you, because, we admire you, but don't respect you. Why? because you are a simple worker, we admire the fact that you can support a family, but we don't think you are always right, we AREin a bad mood, because, and I've seen this in these very posts, you contradict yourselves. STOP looking at religion for answers, it's not a way to raise children, not at all, religion has many flaws, and I don't judge whichever religion you may or may not believe in, but, you are taking it up as a back up plan, you should use it to the free will of the children, I choose if I believe or not, not you, I choose what the morals I have, not you, all of that is what we get from seeing you, we are a response to how you act, we are not mean, disrespectful, and cold for no reason, we are that way because we feel like it's how you deserve to be treated, by looking at different setereotypes and blogs for answers instead of sitting down and TALKING

Jane - posted on 11/20/2013

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I can so relate to your situation. I often think about living somewhere else and would if it were manageable financially. I have been reading the book "the tools" and there is an exercise which if I remember to do by imagining white liquid filling up my heart and transmitting it to his before I ever talk to my son things often are better. I just don't always remember to do it. It's hard when they do such stupid things to upset you, like accidentally break your laptop computer. I have to pray a lot for my son and his father because they do not get along at all. Most days I just pray that my son will stay in his room, and maybe one day he will come out a different son, like my oldest, who is now wonderful!

Bjbjbjbj - posted on 11/20/2013

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To Mr. Religious a few posts down since this site will not let me reply to it: You ask if any of us have ever been to a church or youth group like we're all such lame parents we've never thought about it. In reply, yes, I have taught confirmation to kids at our church just to make sure my Son learned about God and the trinity. I also sat outside each school when he was four years old and watched the teachers interact with children to see what school was the best for him, sent him to a private Christian school I couldn't afford, even moved across the street from my parents so my child could have two sets of parents, made sure my marriage was stable in order to set a good example for my boys, took them to church every Sunday, attended all of their activities and conferences, didn't party or go out with my friends and kept alcohol out of the home and never once did drugs expecting that my kids would do the same. All of this so my kids would stay away from drugs. But did they? NO! And now my life is a living hell because they do. They drop everything for a bag of weed. They sacrifice everything for a bag of weed! Steal from me and strangers just for a bag of weed and proclaim I'm a horrible parent which is why they use, etc. How dare you accuse ANY parent of being the culprit of their kids drug addiction because they didn't take them to a youth group, church, sit down and 'really listen to them' etc... I mean, honestly, do you really think we haven't??? You're one of those pompous, "holier than thow" so called "christians" who in actuality really aren't based off your condescending tones and think they're better than everyone else, but have so much, much more to learn! Have fun with that!

Robin - posted on 11/17/2013

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I'm tired! Wore out & tired! Dealing with my 16 yr is one thing but being the buffer between my 16 yr old & my husband is sucking the life right out of me! My son can be a disrespectful jerk & he's pushing his luck in some areas but he also has alot a good qualities going on. Unfortunately, my husband only focuses on the bad stuff. They buck heads alot & it makes for very stressful living conditions. Sometimes I just want my own place & just stop over for Sunday supper. I'm drained!

Dorothy - posted on 10/25/2013

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to all of the parents you all are not bad parents. Our children they are around the up to date bad influence and we are just caring and being to good to them The first lesson we can not blame our self for this disrespect, cursing, skipping class, smoking everything, have more sexual relationship than the average adult. they feel as if the parents is stupid and don't know anything. my son steal from me as often as possible not small amount large amount, It doesn't matter where I put things he find ways to get them. He have great relationship with the cop and everyone love him he have a persuade personality. I myself work very hard to keep my son out of the system he tell me he hate me and both son told me they wish I were dead. I been told that so many time by them its doesn't matter, What I have start doing leaving Them at home weeks at a time when I come home they have the house clean and nice and beg me not to leave them the good last for about a couples day and it start all over again. I leave everyone my husband, the pets and the children. They are killing me I want to live. My twenty-one year old son told me its nice when you gone. My planned to have the utilities turn off and I thought about my pets, (smile)

Tebogo - posted on 10/14/2013

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I could relate to the father thinking that its all your fault, my son is 14 years old, he is a quite boy who doesnt talk back to us when we shout at him or descipline him,his grades at school are not so bad as he has never fail, they are just not up to the standard that we set for him. he hardly skips his curfew but in between he does nasty things like getting late for school when we dropped him at the school gate in time, he uses the 3G card in his phone when he knows he is not supposed to, and is forever on his watsaap on weekends as he is not allowed a fone during the week. but my husband *his dad * thinks i am the one who let him get away with m
too much,

Lynda - posted on 10/12/2013

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I'm 56 and a mom, I have trouble LISTENING to rules that someone GIVES me. It isn't that I wish to be disobedient. Often the rules come as part and parcel of edicts, out of the blue (as in the workplace, church, home), as if to point to MY vast array of SHORTCOMINGS when the person/peeps rendering the rules refuse to notice the one-thousand things/projects/thoughtfulness I worked so hard to accomplish successfully -- on time, laundry done (has any mom ever rec'd kudos for wonderful laundry folding or sparkling clean dishes?). So, as a youngster, now elder, I just give up and focus on who or what I can please / do.
Focus and be vocal about the wonderful things/chores/characteristics that your son does do. It takes a while and a lot of repetition for good commentary to spring forth from your mind to your mouth, consistently. It will take a while for your son to decipher this NEW good thing. It's so easy, it's mind blowing.

Gabriella - posted on 08/31/2013

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8/31/13
My son 15 going on 16 (10/4/97) told me 7 days ago that he has decided to go live with dad in Maui. I live in Bellflower CA.Dad is remarried with a younger women (10 years). Dad only had him over the summer and every time he came home he was very emotional. (He told me he was exposed to porn when he was 13, by neighbor boys same age, when he goes there he spends all day playing video games or going to the beach with his friends, no supervison) When dad found out from me that this happened, he said, oh maybe he got a hold of my DVD's (he was trying to insult me)
My boy has gone to the same school for 10 years (he went 2 years to preschool because of his late birthday) He was in a christian environment in my house and in a christian school all his life. He was allowed to go 1 year to a christian high school which his old elementary school is a feeder school for. However I have 3 more kids and we spent hours and hours in the car chauffeuring him back from that school which is 1 -1:30 hrs away with traffic. My son insisted that he wants to go to that school but I can't sacrifice my other kids like that. Waiting hours in the car for him. Anyway, he got to get his drivers permit and drive my car, he got a new Fixie to drive to and from the new school (christian school as well). He stated that he didn't want to wear a uniform and that he wouldn't want to go to that school since it is in the same state as his former high school. He told me he rather enjoys his youth : Hot tub hopping in the hotels and jumping from cliffs over in Maui. Wow...I guess he will need to learn his lesson...Dad will get to know his son and know how much responsibility I had.His dad always told me I was lazy and that I was living on his childsupport, that I needed to get a job and not stay at home. (I'm the only one here in this country with 4 kids: 6, 8, 10 and 15) My mom pays for their private education. His dad's child support increased after I got a divorce from my 2nd husband (the 3 kid's dad), we went to court with my 1st husband which now has to pay childsupport 10x the amount he used to pay....and ever since, he has been talking to my 15 year old to move with him so he wouldn't have to pay me child support. He even went as far as calling my son's former teacher and youth pastor to convince my son to move over there. Now he got his wish.

SONYA - posted on 08/05/2013

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I am in the same as you but my 16 year old is very disrepectuful to me and my husband (not his dad) his real dad hasd never been there and all of a sudden here he is it has been a month since his dad has been back in his life and it hads been terrible. They have let me know he is not coming home to live with me and is lying to everyone about how me and my husband treated him he was spoiled drotten with us. His father lets him do anything and everything he wants to do i am scared and everyone says he will come back home i wish i could make my heart understand this someone please help and pray for our family.

Marie - posted on 07/10/2013

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It's not easy raising children today. Boys need a strong male role model and leaving them alone is definitely not the answer. How many of you have ever read the Bible or do your children know what the creator says about raising children?
They have movies, television garbage, the computer which is a avenue for all kinds of filth and wrong mindsets let alone influence from other rebellious young people.
Take them to a Bible study or a youth group where there are wise older Christian people and get something good in their minds. Give them an option instead of looking to yourself to fix it. It hasn't worked yet. I also agree with the danger of 16 year old having a girl friend. One thing to have them around you but for a disrespectful son to have time alone with a girl unsupervised you are asking for big time trouble. He running the show-you better pray and ask God's help. Swearing at parents is not acceptable. I have never listened to The Total Transformation series but I think the couple that produced it may have some good ideas on raising rebellious children.
PS Children should not have TV or computers in their rooms (period)

BARBARA - posted on 05/07/2013

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what do i do with an 17yr old boy who is disrespectful skips classes i fell to mention that i,m his guardian my sister adopted , but 2 yrs ago lost her battle to cancer i took care of her at her home until she passed away no one wanted to take him or his baby brother who was9 at the time and an sister who was 16 at the time i have took all them to all sorts of doctors including grief counsulors totaling over a year he is an habitual lair been in an reach program still doing the same behavoirs as will as cursing me out i am about at the end of my ropes he is constantly bringing other person belongings home even when i tell him not to help me help this child who says he doesnt want no authority over himbut yet wants to stay in my home im not having this much longer TIRED !!!!!!!

Lizzy - posted on 04/30/2013

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omg you hit the nail on the head! My son saw how his father treated me and his current gf and now can be abusive towards me...apple doesn't fall far from the tree

T - posted on 04/10/2013

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It's boot camp or scared straight time. Let him see what it's like in an atmosphere where he will not have a choice. He will have to follow rules that the staff give him. He is sixteen a juvenile you still have time to work with him when he turns 18/yo,that's adult jail time. I work with juveniles each week and some say only if they would have just listened to their parents.

Tana - posted on 03/27/2013

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In reply to Cade...It really hard to know what is the best parenting style to use in raising kids, today. Not all kids/people are the same and respond differently. I have 15 and 17 year old grandsons that we are raising and they are as different as day and night. The 15 year old is the one that presents the challenges. He does what he wants to do. He does comply with curfews and the rule of needing to 'ask' before making plans or going somewhere. But things that need his self-control and common sense to be used, when he knows he shouldn't be doing it, brings more pressure and stress into our home than I can handle. I am his grandmother and the concerns/stress that he creates with his lack of caring about things that he needs to be concerned about drives us apart. I continue to care for him, provide him with a clean, stable, safe enviornment to grow in..but I don't know if he recognizes it as our loving him. I am with him more than his grandfather, due to his work schedule, so my responses are out of a since of wanting to protect him from himself, but as I have been told by him, sound like I am nagging him. I love him and I do point out the times that he does make good choices..but when he doesn't make good choices I point that out to him, also..one isn't more loving than the other. He is loved, he just doesn't see it as love when I point out the choice he made as the reason for the result. I am at the point of not saying anything, anymore, just letting him learn from the consequences...Nothing I say or am doing seems to make a difference in his choices, anyway.

Kelly - posted on 03/27/2013

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I'm new to this site and i certainly didn't post the below comment that says go away! I too have a 16 yr old boy that wants no rules at all. My situation went from bad to worse bec i have a paternal grandmother that likes to undermine everything i say and do. Evil woman. Anyhow, He has left home now and is staying with the witch and nothing i can do bec of his age. The police have told me over and over he can't be forced home. For now i have had to Let go and Let God, but it's killing me. Worried he's so stubborn he won't talk to me anymore. Our relationship was fine prior to Sept 2012. My son got upset that his Uncle embarrassed him by going to the girlfriends house to advise it's not ok to sleepover there. Eversince then he hasn't spoken to my brother, my mother and now because i tried to step in and get him to forgive and forget he no longer will talk to me either. I just don't get it. He's so cold hearted, no remorse for his actions. Since then the grandmother has incl him in harrassment thru the authorities. I have had DCF at my house several times, the police, fugitive task force, i get harrassing phone calls that i know are coming from her and nothing i can do to stop her. The phone calls i'm being told by police are untraceable, but i WILL NOT GIVE UP..... Sorry so much trouble with your son. Hope it has all worked out? Interested to know of the outcome.

Tracy - posted on 03/21/2013

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I have the same son. I want for him to have a job to make his own money and have to pay for taking the girlfriend out to dinner and for any thing he needs/wants, knowing where he would be, (the job hopefully). My husband on the other hand has trained him in tennis.... for his entire childhood/teenage years... he is just now 17, and husband thinks he needs tennis... I think he needs to join the rest of us in reality and work. I worked at his age, 3-11 pm and made my own money. I never had to ask my parents for cash, had my own. I think the world has changed so much the rules I grew up with don't work anymore, especially when you have a husband who... lived a different life, no job. Money and "tennis" for heavens sake. At times when I see tennis raquets I want to lay them out on the driveway and drive over them.

Lori - posted on 03/12/2013

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First of all I know just how you feel .My 16 year old has ODD AND ADHD and PTSD and i just found out that he is slightly on the edge of having Asperger's syndrome and on top of that his has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and it sucks. He takes everything out on me. I know it's because i'm his mom because in my opinion kids tent to walk all over the mother and not the fathers. So he walks all over me never listens. He tells me he wishes i were dead and that he has a different mother and just the other day he told me to go die in a whole and that was because i grounded him for the day because i was giving me a problem with his chores the day before. I do have to say that he doesn't really act that way towards other people unless they are women and he can be very nice and he can be the sweetest kid when he wants to be. He doesn't really give me a hard time when when my husband is home but if my husband leaves to go to the store or is just outside or when he leaves to go to work he just starts acting out. I'm so tired of everyone telling me that he acts like that because he feels safe and he knows that i won't hurt him and it is true but sometimes i just want to scream. And i feel like i am going crazy but i do have to say i love him very much and i won't trade him for all the money in the world. So when he doesn't listen and he starts breaking the rules I tell him that he has to follow the rules and if he doesn't like it to bad because he is not the only one that has to do things that he doesn't want to do in life. And then i say do you think i want to spend the day cleaning the house and paying the bills no but if i don't do it how do you think it is going to get done because i don't think you want to do all the housework and pay all the bill but I'm willing to let you do it so you can do the few things that you have now or you can start doing the whole house so what is it going to be the few chores you have now or would you like me to write a list of all the things i do so you do miss anything and that way you will know where to start. He doesn't like it but he does start his chores. I also have to remind him to do his homework and he gets so angry at times and he has a hard time controlling his anger so i told him that when he is angry to take a 5 minute break and then when he comes down he can calm down and then finish what he was doing. I also started phrasing things differently like I want you to do the dishes or whatever it maybe instead of will you or can you and it didn't work overnight but it does work most of the time. I hope that helps and i hate to say this but i feel so much better that i am not alone and that if i have an issue with my kids that i can talk to other people that are going thru what i go thru everyday. I completely forgot about this morning my son asked if his girlfriend could come over after school and i said yes but you are not aloud to be in your room together and he didn't like that at all he says i wish you where a normal mother because other moms let there son have a girl up in there room alone and what are you afraid of it is not like i am going to have sex with her in my room while you are home and then he started questioning me didn't you mom let you have a boy hang out in your room when you where my age and i said that was different yes i had a boy sleep in my room every night when i was your age but that was different it was your bio day and i had a baby to take care of but before that no i was not aloud to have boys in my room and i don't want him to be a teenage father so i don't want him to go thru that until he goes to college and get a job that he likes and then when he can take car of his wife and kids i don't want him to grow up fast the was i did and if he doesn't like i say to bad, I can't believe that his girlfriend's mother called me and asked me if my son could stay the night at there house the first thing i said was aren't you afraid that they would sneek into each others room while they where sleeping and she told me that we have to trust in our kicks and that she said that she would call and talk to me because the kids wanted her to and i had told my son no and he wouldn't stop asking so i said i like talk to dad about it when he gets homes and it was 3pm when he asked and his dad would be home around 9pm so after i said that i would talk to dad about it i new that he would stop talking about it because i was not in the mood for him to start arguing wth me and no more then 30 minutes later the phone rings and it was his girlfriends mother and she is a very nice women but i was is shock because i also have a daughter and not in a million years would i let her have a boy stay the night i told her no and she told me that he is old fashion and i was thinking if she was old fashion she wouldn't even be asking me that question and i kept saying that she respects my decision and my son till asks and i say when you turn 18 i told him you can't stay the night then but until then no i just still can not believe that he would even think i would let him stay the night at his girlfriends some times i wonder if he has been smoking and don't mean cigs i mean the pot anyway good luck and i hope thing get better

Angelyn D - posted on 03/12/2013

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I have found that if the Man of the house doesn't respect the wife then the children follow suite. If they are seeing disrespect in the household from him then they feel it must be okay, as a woman you have to demand respect in order to get that respect from your husband and children , but if you continue to let your husband down talk you then your getting what you ask for. Maybe this sounds harsh but that's how I see it. My Daughter lives with a man that disrespects her and her daughter, so now the son has no respect for either of them. Thank God the daughter after being told to get the hell out of his house when she was 14 called us and got us to come and get her . I fault my Daughter for putting up with him . He is not their father I might add. I feel it will be a matter of time before he kicks the son out because her children have been nothing but a mere inconvenience to him.
I have a second Daughter and her husband would never show her disrespect and their son knows he had better never be disrespectful to his Mother or there will be consequences.

Bev - posted on 02/12/2013

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Juilissa, I Love the way you do things :). I too do the same things. Except my son does not care at all. I have shut the phone off just to show him who is in charge. He was a pain in the butt starting toddler- grade 1- grade6 boy, he has a silent nasty streak running through him a mile long. At this time I am holding back his drivers Ed. That hurt me ! I swore I would never do that. Yet it flipped out of my mouth. I would love to know how to get to his stubborn thick headed kid. He had a nasty start so I thought we could at least breeze through the later part of his teens. Most of his nonsense is disrespect. He listens to everyone except me. I getting less and less tolerant to his crummy behaviors

Sarah - posted on 11/24/2012

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I have a 17 year old son. He has become increasingly disrespectful, verbally abusive/ rude to me his younger siblings, uncles, stepfather and even his grandparents. If I tell him do or don’t do something it’s a “fight”. When his brothers ask him simple questions he most often responds with a nasty remark. He has even become physical ( pushing/slapping ) with his siblings, (ages 12 & 8 over the slightest infractions. This behavior started about 4 months ago. I’ve always been very proud of what a good kid he is. Up until a few months ago, he was kind, empathetic, funny, respectful, and loving. Yes he had the occasional bad days, but for the most part he was a joy to be around. I’ve tried talking to him, asking him if there is a problem, telling him that whatever it is we can work it out. He either says nothing’s wrong ( but quietly pouts) or becomes angry, saying that he’s going to move out, no one respects him, and I’m holding him back, then storms out of the house. He doesn’t elaborate on what makes him feel disrespected, ( until recently he would tell me everything) or how I’m ” holding ” him back. he will be 18 in a month, so we bought him a car, but with the way he’s behaving, I don’t know if I should give it to him? He has a stable home with family that love him and provide him with everything he needs and most of what he wants ( cell phone, name brand clothes and shoes etc ) but he says nobody does anything for him and once he moves out he’s done with this family and won’t be seeing any of us. He doesn’t have to move out. I don’t think he realizes how hard it’ll be on his own, but I support his decision, I attempt to encourage him and give him advice, but that also makes him angry. He’s been in therapy ( his decision ) for 2 months, but his behaviors seem to be getting worse. Everyone one in our house walks on egg shells, not out of fear, its because no one knows whats going on with himI just don’t know why the sudden change? Is this normal for his age? Im confused! Any advice on how to handle this? I love my son and want the best for him. He acts so entitled lately.

Cade - posted on 09/07/2012

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When I was 16 I stole my parents car, picked up my girlfriend and ran away from home. When we were found later, my parents didn't do a damn thing in terms of punishment. Instead, they took me out for dinner and let me sleep in my own room where most parents would tell the cops to not even let me see home again and would let me starve. Simply by showing they still loved me despite me treating my parents like a door mat actually made me respect and love my parents even more. Needless to say, I never went that far out of line again. They let me push every envelope and button at once, and didn't even raise their voice at me when it was over. I didn't for one second think "wow I can get away with a lot more shit". I thought "wow, that's love. I should be very grateful and happy that I have such a wonderful life and should quit trying to fuck this up". Seriously, if you let your kid think life with you is lucky, then they'll be happy at home. But if you are always disciplining them for any short coming, either physically or emotionally, they'll feel like living on the streets is better than living with you.

Mark - posted on 09/02/2012

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Ok all you moms if you haven't seen this you all bitch about how your son is bad I bet half of you are bad parents and also my sister is a bitch and my bro is nice and quite because woman are gossiping assholes

Tweetie - posted on 08/22/2012

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WOW!! I have the same problem with my son. He also is 16 years old and he totally rebels. He stop going to school, and now has a truency charge against him. I take away his phone, ground him, and take away his computer. His respose to me is " I don't care".

Tee - posted on 08/01/2012

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my kids are very respectful for elders ,the only problem I ve is that the younger one dont have love for study although he is a genius one for sure.

Dove - posted on 07/30/2012

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I empathize with all you moms! My situation is a little different because I'm divorced. It's a long story, but I won't draw this out too much. My EX (dad) and his wife will do anything to hurt me, and are using my 15 year old son to hurt me now. They have brainwashed him that I am crazy, blah, blah and they reward him for not behaving for me. Who teaches a kid to hate a parent?

I have zero solutions, but I agree tough love. That's what I'm doing. I'm not falling into arguing with him, so I act sweet and tell him I love him.

Beata - posted on 07/18/2012

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http://beatastasak.hubpages.com/hub/When...

Having my last child in the age you describe with the same disregard for the rules as you mention in your example I have tried to reflect on my experiences in my hub. Maybe it will be useful. Whenever I can, I leave my son to pay for his mistakes, to teach him to take responsibility for his own actions. My son doesn't care either if he knows that his parents would provide everything... transport, money and unconditional love whatever he does...once he realizes that parents have right to say no and stop providing free services when rules are not followed his attitude has changed:)

Licoricecat - posted on 07/13/2012

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My son is in his 20's and not living at home. My family has disrespected me in front of him growing up. If I did not bring him to visit, he would have resented me. When I brought him he would not leave with me if I wanted to leave. Now he is in his 20's and is considered an adult and he is living at my mom's house who recently died. He got an order of protection and lied and stated that I call him a lot on phone. I have called him about 2x a year. The police encouraged and order of protection. I have no contact with him for almost a year. My sister has been vindictive with me for years and my mom put everything in her name. My son is going where the money is, with my sister who is letting my son live upstairs from her rent free since she inherited the house and has banned me legally from it.
What do I do when this order is done? He wants no contact from me and is being encouraged by my sister. I am not a drug addict, not a drinker and truly love my son and have told him and tried to talk to him but he is consistently disrespectful even when I tell him I love him. I am in a lot of emotional pain due to separation from my son and daughter. Help. What do I do when this order is expired in Oct 2012? They will just get another and the officers stated I will get arrested next time. I haven't even contacted him, he was just there when I visited my mom when she was alive.

Heather - posted on 05/31/2012

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I have a 17 year old nephew who acted the same way. There was no respect for anyone in the house or the rules. In my own opinion, he was afforded way too much freedom. In my own opinion, 3 days is not enough at that age. A week maybe with absolutely NO phone, NO tv, or any other luxeries or visits with his girlfriend. I am not looking forward to the teenage years with my boy if this past year is any indication on how that will turn out!! Good luck :)

Cherie - posted on 04/18/2012

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need a close relationship with your child before this age, have to listen, find a fun hobby with him, boys get bored easy they need stuff to build, take apart, create, let them work in the garage with own tools, go to movie, bowling, something to connect. It is not worth losing their innocence. He should not have a girlfriend, lots of friends, good ones but too young to be alone or serious with a girl, not worth it. Go on a camping trip together, love him but be a fun friend as well, too many serious consequences in the world after being bored and making mistakes, Your child is worth loving and communicating with, find that connection before it's too late....=o?

Stephanie - posted on 03/15/2012

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I have 16 year old boy and would take away cell phone first- he doesn"t get it back until bad behavior is changed for a 24 hour period- if he disrespects me again I just hold out my hand for the phone back. We work on 24 hour consequences> As far as not being able to get ahold of him, he has to be home or somewhere where he can use another phone. No negotionations. Grounding never has worked a bit for my kids either. Cell phone, computer, then TV in his room. I use 24 hour time frames because any longer and his consequence ends up bothing me!

Phiemma - posted on 03/15/2012

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Julissa, I agree, the rules have to start from the beginning. That's the key. You can't wait till they are too old.

Gaynor-Marie - posted on 02/02/2012

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At that age they are transitioning to adulthood they want more freedom. It is important to teach them that with more freedom comes more responsiblity. They still need to show respect to you but the consequences may need to reflect the changing relationship. Negotiating consequences with them or allowing them to suffer natural consequences may be more appropriate. They don't come home and do their chores. No pocket money.you can make them responsible for their own laundry washing up and when it doesn't get done they have nothing to wear, and it is not your problem it's theirs.

As for talking to you in a disrespectful fashion a little bit of talking back is them wanting some control. Disrespectful language is not o.k. I respond with stoping the conversation and telling them they can go to their room till they are ready to apologise and discuss thongs like a grown up. It's tricky with older teens they are a bit like toddlers with hormones (I do it myself the worlds out to get me) all while making choices that can limit their future. Hey most make it through with a bit of love understanding and some firm boundaries .

Penny - posted on 11/02/2011

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Ok I agree with all the above I have a 20 yr old 16 yr old. And a 12 yr old girl. We went through hell with eldest and now he is good and tell me I am too soft on younger ones. Removal of price legend is great but they have to have things to stop ie computer games, sport, hobbies etc I have a friend whose kids don't do anything therefore she has nothing to remove if they are naughty. Also my newest thing is plan something fun for the family and tell them if they be disrespectful they won't come they can go to grandmas out of town for the day. This works a treat. Especially when everyone else is excited for it. Keep communication open make them eat dinner as a family and talk at night not hide in their room on computer.

Ava - posted on 09/24/2011

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For all these teenage boys being disrespectful one question... where is the father or positive adult male role model? A one on one man to boy intervention would do wonders. Good luck!

Kristen - posted on 11/11/2009

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In my opinion you have to hit them were it hurts. Respect will get them everywhere. Start back at the basics by taking away evreything they value and explain that as respect is given to you that he will get his things back. For example: Computer, videogames, his bedroom door, car, permissions to go and hang out. I have a 16 year old boy that thinks he deserves the right to be an adult. Well adults have responsablities and for every good thing he does a good thing is returned to him. Curfew rules included. If He wants to go out after work then he must show up on time for the week adn then permision is granted. if all else fails I get great pleasure in having my children clean out the trash cans with a scrub-brush! Also taking him to and from school will put a stop to this issue of after school rondevus.

Kristen - posted on 11/11/2009

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In my opinion you have to hit them were it hurts. Respect will get them everywhere. Start back at the basics by taking away evreything they value and explain that as respect is given to you that he will get his things back. For example: Computer, videogames, his bedroom door, car, permissions to go and hang out. I have a 16 year old boy that thinks he deserves the right to be an adult. Well adults have responsablities and for every good thing he does a good thing is returned to him. Curfew rules included. If He wants to go out after work then he must show up on time for the week adn then permision is granted. if all else fails I get great pleasure in having my children clean out the trash cans with a scrub-brush! Also taking him to and from school will put a stop to this issue of after school rondevus.

Kristel - posted on 11/07/2009

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Wow! I think you need to nip this in the bud before it gets any worse! It sounds like he's completely defiant and being disrespectful to you!Who is paying for that cell phone? You have the power to revoke that. He needs to realize that going to girlfriends house, having a cell phone, is a PRIVILEGE! I can't believe that he just came home @midnight!I would sit down and have a long talk with him about what's expected of and from him! You don't want to push too much/nag, but you are the parent! I know after school, kids need time to unwind/relax!So, maybe you can have a set schedule of exactly everyday what time things are to be done, and homework, and when & how long he may be on his cell! I would not allow him to be out past 7 on a

school night! You know how much schoolwork you had when you were in 10th grade? Besides, that's a privilege that he has to earn! In the end, if talking and setting boundries doesn't work, counselling does! He should be concentrating on his grades, not girls! And you are the one to guide him until he's old enough to be independant! Good luck with your 16 year old boy's behavior!:)

Carol - posted on 11/04/2009

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Hey Debbie, Just wanted to let you know you are not alone at this I have a son who just turned 17. He called to get a ride home from school. He was so abusive to his brother on the phone that I could hear it from across the table. I picked up the phone very calmly and said ba-bye and hung up. an hour of waiting and he decided to walk home(it is only 2 miles) When he got home and discovered I wasn't home he proceeded to have a temper tantrum and throw things around. I have never been one to stick with punishments and now at 17 I am finding that it was stupid of me to wait this long to set down boundaries. (Stupidity is not my friend.) Anyway Stick to the punishment make it hurt, cause when they are adults their boss is not going to care why he didn't listen just that he didn't. Good Luck with your 16 year old boy's behavior and may God lay his hand on our frazzled nerves as we venture on into the world known as teenagedom. ( It was bad enough when i had to go through it myself. itis like second hand smoke, it stinks worse then if you did it yourself AND IS JUST AS HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. God Bless

Debbie - posted on 11/01/2009

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Thanks again for all the good advice on my 16 year old boy's behavior. I have tried a few things since my last post. I have taken away all the electronics and am holding firmly to my ground. I have in the past, but this time I have added some incentives. I am giving him some extra chores he can do to earn time off his grounding. I have also met the gf parents and plan on getting everyone on the same page.



My children only have 1 chore a day and I check them when I get home. I always say homework first and chores second.



Again thanks so much for all your help!

Denarae - posted on 10/31/2009

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First of all I must be old schoool or something my youngest son is 17 and does not have a cell phone and if he did he would have the job to pay for it. I will not. You have to stand up to your children and be the parent, my 17 year old is 6 ft. 3 in. and I stand 5 ft. 5 in. and he knows that in no way will I back down from him. What I say goes or he can go straight out the door. I Love my children but respect is important. I raised them alone, I put a roof over their head , I clothe them and I feed them, If they want to get anywhere in life they have to learn that nothing is free and you must have respect for others in order to get respect back. Following the house rules(mine), attending school, and working for the things they want (part-time job) helps them learn to be respectful and produvtive individuals. Now don't get me wrong me and my children get along great but we have our disagreements. I have 3 boys total ages 22,20, and 17, two live with me and the oldest lives on his own and let me tell you my oldest put me through hell and back so I know what I am talking about. I have one in college, and one in high school. I also have a 16 year old daughter in high school. Things will work out my oldest now talks to me and makes comments like I wish I would have listenend to you mom, you were right. I say nothing in response because this would make him feel bad, instead I hug him and tell him I Love him and things will work out. Remember find what works for you and stick to it. Best of Luck with your 16 year old boy's behavior!

Nicole - posted on 10/29/2009

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I have 2 teenage boys. It seems like it's been a phase. My 16 year old started when he was about 14 & is now starting to follow the rules more & accept resposability. My 15 year old is just starting the phase. When they would act up grounding them to the house did nothing. I started taking away the things they like most. I would start with the video games & then the TV out of their room. I would talk to them & let them know that they are getting to the age where they will move out & be on their own & nobody will be there to do these things for them. I want them to learn to be able to do these things on their own. If they do not bathe or keep a clean house they will never keep that girlfriend. It seems to have worked some but I also remember how I was at that age. Eventualy I had kids & realized why mom had me do chores...lol

Claudia - posted on 10/29/2009

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It sounds like your 16 year old has lost respect for you. As a parent of a teenager, I feel that is the one thing you need to hold on to. Kids associate that with being treated as an adult. They want to feel they can make decision without having to put up with anything. The way I see it... that is your house and your rules. In your situation, first thing I would do is remove the door from his room. If your rules aren't being followed then there's no way he should have the right to his privacy. I would be extremely firm with what I say. There is no need to yell but there definately is a need to be firm. Look at what you have provided for him as luxury items and remind him they are yours to lend to him. They are not his property. Remove all luxuries. I mean ALL of them. Use them as incentives to make him comply with your demands. Give him the rules you expect to be followed and allow him the use of the luxury items only if he abides by your rules. Finally, talk to them as you would any other adult. They have a mind and life of their own. Try to be an active listener and honest about the guidance you give them. Look at what's going on. He's obviously at his girlfriends for a reason. Maybe there's more to that. Try to be unbiased and just geniuinely guide him without being an overbearing parent. By that I mean: don't start by screaming or laying blame. Just talk, listen, and give a calm response. You might even have to leave the room to calm down first before you respond to certain situation. It is definately hard but it is completely worthwhile to get into that habit. Good Luck with your 16 year old boy's behavior. Remember everything is better expressed with a loving manner.

Carrie - posted on 10/29/2009

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I have a 16 year old son as well...we work on the premise, you have to give respect to get respect. I don't hesitate to make him EARN his priveledges. We struggle with him making plans with his friends without my prior consent and I don't hesitate to call him on it and clearly make him earn the right to carry out his plans OR cancel them if I don't agree. The WORST punishment in THIS house is when I object and refuse to talk to him until he has earned my respect to communicate on an adult level in an appropriate tone...he knows he can come to me when he is ready to act and talk respectfully....MOST importantly, I acknowledge and express approval and gratitude for this behavior and when he follows the rules....OTHERWISE, he spends his time grounded from #1 friends and #2 possessions of importance

Debbie - posted on 10/26/2009

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Thanks for all the good advice on changing my 16 year old boy's behavior. I think it's always good to hear from other people and to get feedback from other parents going through similar experiences. Please let me know if you can think of anything else. Thanks again!

Julissa - posted on 10/26/2009

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I have a 16 year old also. have you always had rules, and have you always keep the punishment? is 3 days enough? And who said 16 year olds should have girlfriends. When my son is in grounded, everything gets taken away. No phone, computer,t.v, outside. Where i go he goes. I believe if you behave like a tot then i will treat you like one. Kids need to realize how importance their parents are. Don't give up & remember to pray ask God to give you widom with your decisions. And to humble your child. I will keep you in prayer. And remeber God is always in control...

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