What would you do if you found out your 15 year old son was involved with a 36 year old?

Ava - posted on 08/23/2011 ( 231 moms have responded )

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The other day i found out my 15 year old son is involved sexually with a 36 year old women and i about lost it i only came across this because of my sons friends and this girl that likes him and has known him all his life told me and thinks this women is manipulating him and controlling him i am not even sure where to start or what to do! What should i do? Has anyone ever dealt with this?! Any advice or help would be helpful!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/24/2011

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He's 15, she's 36. In the US, this is considered statutory rape, even in a consensual relationship, and she needs to be prosecuted. Period. There needs to be a restraining order, effective IMMEDIATELY. Your son needs to see a therapist, and so do you.

The reason for the restraining order is to KEEP HER AWAY from your son, and gives you the legal back up to call the cops if you see her within the restricted range. You initiate one by going to your local police department, and explaining your situation. If they don't initiate it there, they will tell you what steps to follow.

The therapist is because your son is going to be upset that you are removing him from her presence, and to figure out why, on God's green earth, he decided to hook up with her in the first place, why he didn't feel he needed to be honest about the relationship, etc. There are underlying issues in most all of these "consensual" relationships between someone who is 20 years older than the teen they are involved with. The teen may have self esteem issues, attention issues, etc, which led to seeking the "attention" of this inappropriately older woman.

DO NOT approach her, threaten or anything else. That can be used against you. You do need to contact her telling her that you are initiating a restraining order, and legal procedures against her.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/13/2011

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@ MandiSue,



It has been established that she is in the US. It is also established as law in the US that an age difference of 3 years or more is child molestation/abuse on the part of the older party. This woman knew this, yet she chose to initiate an inappropriate relationship with a teenager.



I (and most of us here) understand the difference between the US and other countries. In most differences, I agree with the other countries views, however I am of the opinion that (no matter how "hard" it is to find a good man) a 15 or 16 year old should not be in a relationship with someone much older. Not that it can't work. Obviously it does in some cases, but not all, and by telling those of us who have strong views in this manner that we are wrong and that we are judging other countries customs, you are essentially judging us! There is not one single response here that mentions any country outside the US, other than to ask where they are located. Obviously, this question would not have been asked if the parent had lived in a society where a 30 year age difference is the normal course of events!



I suggest that you take a page out of your own advice book, and take a deep breath. Nowhere are you, or your country, or your customs being attacked here.

Vanessa - posted on 09/02/2011

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Now that you've got the ball rolling, as a Survivor of Rape/Incest, let me assure you that you're looking out for your son's long term growth. The 36 year old pedophile (has she been arrested yet) has threatened his emotional well being and development of coping skills. He is definitely confusing lust with love and lost a portion of his childhood. I encourage you to find male role models for him that will not say what she did was OK. Find a male rites to passage group (possibly within your church), leadership/conflict resolution building groups for him. Understand that he's hurt and weaning from developing a sexual appetite. If you don't have a weight bench and weights, now is the time to buy them for him. Also consider a punching bag. He desperately needs to channel his anger constructively. Raise your patience and tolerance shields Mom, he needs you and doesn't know how to tell you this. If you haven't already told him, begin talking with him about what you expect from a man. Does he read? Get "I don't want Deliah, I need you." My heart and prayers go out to you.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/25/2011

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Hang in there, Ava. By starting legal proceedings, you will be better able to get your son into counselling. You can request that as part of the whole deal, and have it backed up by a court order. Check out legal aid in your area if you're strapped for cash. This woman needs to be prosecuted to the fullest extent.

Your son is going to be upset, because he is confusing lust with love, and he's at a time in his life when teens think they are adults and know it all. Once he's through it, and looks back (in 10 or 20 years) he'll realize that you did what you do best, you're his mom, and you are looking out for him, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Chris - posted on 08/24/2011

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Yes, this is rape. It may take a toll on you and your son's relationship for a while, but I would prosecute, and there would be nothing "polite" about it. I would also DEFINITELY take your son to a professional therapist. At that age they think they know how things like this will affect them later, but we know they do not. I wish you luck!

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231 Comments

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Ava - posted on 09/04/2012

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Well as he loves his son more then anything and is very protective and didn't want to give him up for adoption then yes he is happy with his son.

Sharleen - posted on 09/04/2012

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Nope no problem at all with it but the thing that worries me is ....



I would totally expect him to be going through the problems he is with all this going on in his life, as I think any girl would .



So the next stage I guess is to find out why he is so unhappy could simply be he doesnt want to be in this situation which as we know he is! so how to deal with that is down to his type of personality ...prehaps sport would help or CBT . But it could be that he simplily cant bare seeing the baby each day as it reminds him of her (the 36 year old woman) which I must add is very normal but theres no definition of that so we again will be hostial



Anyway at the end of it HE must be happy and be able to live with what hes done ......both standing up to his resposibilities and the charges he made against the 36 year old .

Ava - posted on 09/03/2012

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So because he wants to step up to the plate and father this child he helped make you are unhappy with that? But say if a girl were to do it it would be alright or would you just encourage her to get an abortion? I am proud of what my son is doing he loves his son very much that baby boy is innocent so yes i don't understand the hostility here. Also why would he want to live with her and in what way is that legal or make since when he and i both basically sent her to jail?

Sharleen - posted on 09/03/2012

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Ok lets make this very clear



Why have you and your son got this baby? A baby made in rape ?



And Are you the granny of said baby and mother of raped child REALLY going to let your son bring up the baby and live with his lover whyen she gets home?



Simple but not very nicely put ...in fact I,m not happy to have to write it this way but you dont seem to understand my other post

Laura - posted on 09/03/2012

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Oh bless him, it bet it's tough, young love and all that. How long did she get? My thoughts go out to ur family and I hope he can come out of this a happy young man.

Ava - posted on 09/02/2012

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Wow haven't been on in awhile been dealing with work and my son and other things but the back and fortieth is unnecessary....



And to the.com lady that didn't make any since my'dear.



My son is probably going to start meds as he has gotten to the point of suicidal. I will try to update more often.

Laura - posted on 09/01/2012

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He's only 15 so it is classed as rape whether he's consented or not. Have strong words with the women and tell her to stay away, if she truly cares I'm sure she will wait until he's older. I personally would go MAD.

Bobbie - posted on 09/01/2012

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@Sharlene

Bingo! Well said! Exactly what I took pages to say!!!!!



@Sally

You are not the Circle of Mom police. Leave the people alone who respond to this conversation. What they have to say is just as important. They do not need to be corrected by you to be better at reading / following or given your unwelcome updates.

Roxanna - posted on 09/01/2012

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ummmmm.....call the police! This is statutory rape! How can a 36 year old woman be even remotely sexually attracted to a 15 year old boy?! Place a restraining order on her and your son needs some help, too. Good luck!

Sharleen - posted on 09/01/2012

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VERYCONFUSED.COM



Fact woman rapes 15 year old

Fact 15 year old seems ok with this sexual encounter

Fact those who need to know do ..ie police social services

Fact Woman is in Jail

Fact boy isnt

Fact theres a child now

Fact 15 year old is depressed but in school

Fact 15 year old male is bringing up his child from a rape situation





The bit that confuses me is

15 year old is raped BUT brings up his child from that "rape" situation

WHY and HOW have the authorities allowed that

Does this mean when she gets out and 15 year old is 17 or older he will live with her and baby AND 15 year olds mum will be happy after she gave the 36 year old woman up to the police?

Melissa - posted on 09/01/2012

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I would have the 36 year old woman charged with statutory because she is no different than a man, rape is rape- The reason why this is considered rape is because for a brain to fully develop it takes 18 years - which means until than a brain responds differently, had it been fully mature.

This is why the legal age to choose sex it 18 - unless I am wrong about the law where you live.



She broke the law, and that would be the first thing I would do if I was you. That protects other children she may prey on long after your son.

Bobbie - posted on 08/29/2012

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Ava,

I wish you luck, I really do. I am sorry for the bad back and forth you have on your post. I help young women in my community who have children at a young age. I see their struggles. I hear them say over and over, I wish I had known it was going to be this hard, how much I had to give up. That is when they carry the baby and were invested. Your son must have been asked by her to take the baby while she was locked up? Your son was so heavy on my heart when I read that she was pregnant so now you are a grandma. I didn't see it that way. Your son was raped by a grown woman. The child was conceived in the commission of a crime against him. Had he been a daughter and she became pregnant would you have allowed her misfortune to change her young life forever? The baby is in your home now. He has taken a part in your heart and the struggles have just begun. He will be raised by a child who will be robbed of his normal life experiences because he was raped by a grown woman and had the misfortune of getting her pregnant. I question this criminal and her actions. Did the baby get DNA tested before you brought him home or was it assumed he is your son's.? What will happen to your already depressed son if she is playing more games and is just having you care for the baby until she gets out of jail and then has a DNA test preformed to win back custody because it isn't your sons? There are no easy roads to go down from here. Already you say your son is very depressed and things have been insane. I pray you and he are able to stabilize and move forward whatever your choices.

Sherri - posted on 08/29/2012

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@Ms Hodges not once have I called you a name but I will say the ONLY ignorant person on this board in 11 pages of posts would be you my friend.



You are the one that eluded to the fact that because this child was molested and sexual abused was the fault of the mother for not protecting her teenage son. REALLY??? This may be the most jaw dropping ignorant statement I have every heart in my entire life.



You are the one that said this teenage father has no rights and should not be allowed to be able to raise his own child - REALLY???



You are the one that said the OP had no right bringing that baby into her home and support her son to raise that child - REALLY???



I still say SHAME, SHAME, SHAME on you? You should be so ashamed of yourself and your behavior.

Bobbie - posted on 08/29/2012

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here are the comments by the original poster AVA and the dates they were posted. I will let them speak for themselves. As for Ms Marshall and Ms Champagne I allow for your ignorance as those who resort to name calling lack maturity

8/24/11

I contacted the police today so now my son isn't talking and is pretty ticked off with me he won't even acknowledge me now. I hope i did the right thing he says he is in love but he is too young for that!

8/27/11

Thanks gonna start him on Therapy come Monday.

8/29/11

Thanks ladies he refused to talk his first day in therapy he is so heart broken and then i think it was anger cause he blurted out he wanted to kill himself and then i wouldn't have to protect him.

7/26/12

Sorry i haven't updated in awhile or even updated been so busy.... Son isn't and hasn't been taking it well she was also pregnant And so now i am a grandma and helping my son raise his son! Its just been insane and she is in jail.

8/15/12

Yep she is in jail and my sons school does have a daycare program i am very happy he starts school next monday so i will let everyone know how it goes well if he tells me anyways.

8/18/12

Ugh He is getting more and more depressed as the start of school is approaching.

Posted 6 days ago in reference to sons deep depression

I don't know about meds i have heard horror stories and i am just not wanting to go down that road quite yet.

Sally - posted on 08/28/2012

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CAN PEOPLE WHO ARE READING THIS POST FOR THE FIRST TIME> Please read the posts this is old and the Ava has posted updates etc. Ava could you close this and maybe link to a new post to let us know how things are with you all. It must be driving you nuts getting posts on the first post but with 212 replies a lot people are just going to respond without knowing the whole story. Id really like to be kept up to date on how you all are. x

Sherri - posted on 08/27/2012

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@ Bobbie #1 when the baby was born legally they only needed to contact the father. Also once the baby was born her son was 16 and could drive to get his own baby. It is no different than any other teenage dad and the demands put upon him.



2nd Let me get this right!! So every child that has ever been raped or molested it is the fault of the parent for not protecting them?



You also have no idea if the mother's rights have been terminated. You are all about blame the ONLY one to blame here is the woman he slept with. Everyone else is an innocent party doing the best they can for an innocent baby which HE chose to raise. He and the OP should be commended for that.



I have a 15yr old and I got to tell ya. If he came to me tomorrow and said he got a girl pregnant. I would offer to help him raise that baby as well. It would be what would be best in my opinion for everyone involved.

Bobbie - posted on 08/27/2012

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@Sherri, first you do not know if he is the biological father. If this woman is 35 and been around or not is anyone's guess. I am not ashamed of telling the the Mother of this boy and do mean boy, that he has a right to his teenage years.

Secondly, I didn't say he should receive child support from HER. I stated that by law because he is SO YOUNG the mother can't make him pay child support when she gets out of jail. WHEN SHE GETS OUT OF JAIL SHE STILL HAS ALL RIGHTS TO THAT CHILD THEY MADE! Even if he wins full custody she still has parental rights to visitation and fight to regain custody.

THIS IS AN AWFUL MESS WHICH WILL ONLY GET WORSE FOR ALL INVOLVED. I am ashamed of the mother for allowing her grandparent wants to override her motherly protection instintics to save her son from this very adult situation. It is bad enough that she had no idea what he as up to with such an older woman, but that she didn't put the breaks on the whole adult issues being thrown at him about the baby. I myself would have blocked him from getting to the jail. Lets face it. The boy was such a child he couldn't even drive to go get his baby right?! So when notified of the child's birth HIS MOTHER should have blocked him from continuing to make choices that were forced upon him by this much older woman! Now that the baby has been in the home and the child-father has exhausted himself and is deeply depressed and facing constant up hill struggles because of this woman. I feel strongly that this SHOULD HAVE ALL BEEN AVOIDED AND JUST CAN'T BELIEVE HIS MOTHER PICKED THAT BABY UP AND BROUGHT IT HOME WITH THEM! I FEEL SO SAD FOR THE SON, HE WILL BE CONTINUE TO BE EMOTIONALLY PULLED AND STRESSED BY THE MOTHER OF THE CHILD. THAT IS A REAL TRAUMA THAT LEAVING THE CHILD WITH HER AND HER FAMILY WOULD HAVE AVOIDED. I strongly suspect that Ava didn't keep her son from this woman after the child was born. Falling into the trap of letting him see his son. At 15 - 16 yrs old his mother allowed him to be thrust into the fall out of the relationship by bringing home the baby. Not a good move. I pray he stays strong enough to handle the emotional burdens. I pray he doesn't go back to the relationship when she gets out of jail and it continues because there is a baby involved. I pray he doesn't go wild and sow his wild oats going on drinking or drug benders when the sheer weight of all the pressures placed upon his shoulders just get to be too much. And I pray that his mother wakes up to the fact that she continues to let him down and puts him in harms way by being a part of raising a child that can and probably will be taken from him because of his young age. You don't think the mother of that child isn't going to win custody? No matter what a good father he is the courts will judge his youth as being taken from him, AS IT IS, and award custody to the mother as soon as she is available to do so. Then where emotionally does that leave Ava and her son? Still in the life of this older woman, right where he should not be!

Sherri - posted on 08/26/2012

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@Bobbie he is the father. They can't get child support anyways as the woman is in JAIL. Why in heck are you saying to send this baby away when he is obviously very loved and her son wants to be a father and raise him. He is obviously doing a great job and has stepped up to the plate. Also the OP being the grandmother has stepped up as well and is helping raise the baby.



Shame on you for judging this dad for stepping up to the plate and the OP for supporting her son and her grandchild. Shame, Shame, Shame!!!

Kirsty - posted on 08/25/2012

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it is wrong i every way!! he is wayy to young and she is way too old, she should know better!!! shes 36 she probably makes herself feel good as she can control a 15 year old from left right and centre!! put a stop to it immediatly if i was you and do it whatever way it takes even if it means going to the police, after all what she is doing is illegal and so very wrong!! he will thank you when hes older! xx

Bobbie - posted on 08/25/2012

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wow, all I can say is please let the child be a child! First have a DNA test done on the baby to ensure it is his biological child. If the child is his then I still say the baby should be given up adoption. It would be difficult since he has the baby with you. I do so wish you hadn't allowed him to bring the baby home with him. He is still a boy! How can you allow him to burden himself with a baby? AND worst yet, tie himself to the mother of the child for years to come. When she gets out of jail you can bet that the relationship will have to continue, in some way shape or form because he has the baby.

At his age she can not legally ask for child support. The child should go to a relative of hers or you turn the baby over to child protective services to be placed in care if the mother still holds rights to him.

I know your heart pulls towards the baby. He is an innocent in this mess, but so is your son! Think of him first! What kind of a life is he going to have?

As a mother and a grandmother I still have to say, shame on you. Sorry for the wake up call but you are out of your mind watching your son get more depressed and trying to go to school and work. This isn't going to get easier for any of you. Do what is right by your son now!

Sherri - posted on 08/24/2012

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It says right on the top by the OP's name the date it was posted.



@User you need to read older posts as well as she has recently posted that the woman is in jail and her son is raising their baby.

Judy - posted on 08/24/2012

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Hi ... I think I replied to something different... but please tell me how I can check how the original went up? and what time it went up? I am not that literate on this site, so please let me know... thank you!

Cher - posted on 08/24/2012

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You people need to catch up on the posts BEFORE you put a comment down!!!!!!! This post was put up A YEAR AGO!!!!!!! I'm sure by now she has calmed down a bit and every question she gets, make her relive it over and over. Even before this one, there have been other that just don't pay attention and post anyway. Just PLEASE check your dates and check the older postings before you do ANYTHING!!!!!!

Thank you!!!!!

Judy - posted on 08/24/2012

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Oh Ava! Call the police, social services, and talk to your church if you have one... call everyone and anyone you can think of.... get support... get help.... he will hate you, but you will be doing the right thing....get that predator ARRESTED! Get her out of your sons life... she is sick. She needs help. Please please please do the right thing and get her arrested for sexually molesting a young man.

Sherri - posted on 08/24/2012

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@April she has already posted a few times the lady is in jail now. You need to read the posts.

Ava - posted on 08/23/2012

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I don't know about meds i have heard horror stories and i am just not wanting to go down that road quite yet.

Anna - posted on 08/20/2012

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Ava, I am not a huge supporter of drugs but in his case with all he has gone through this past year, some anti-depressant drugs might be helpful for him ... just to get him through this very rough patch. If you have him going to counseling, ask his counselor what he/she might recommend. If not, have him go for an annual physical at his physician's office and let them know what all is going on to see what he/she might recommend. I can see where the start of the school year is troublesome for him ... it's not only the first year he'll have to juggle classes, schoolwork and parenthood but also the first without her there, too. Just try to be there as much for him as you possibly can. Let him know that he can talk to you about anything and everything. He needs to know that he CAN make it through this rough patch. Hope this helps some! HUGS!!!

Ava - posted on 08/18/2012

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Ugh He is getting more and more depressed as the start of school is approaching.

Anna - posted on 08/16/2012

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Ava, I'm so glad to hear that there is a day care available at the school for y'all to use. I know that will be very helpful for all of you. I know there is a federal program for Women, Infants & Children (WIC) that helps out with formula and food supplements for women and their children if they meet income guidelines. It might be worth looking into to see if your son could qualify, if nothing else for just the infant formula for your grandson which I know is very costly on its own.

I will be keeping you, your son, and the rest of your family in my prayers and thoughts as he starts his next year in school trying to manage school coursework and being a new dad. He is very lucky to have you as his mom. You are doing GREAT!!! HUGS from TN!!!

Ava - posted on 08/15/2012

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Yep she is in jail and my sons school does have a daycare program i am very happy he starts school next monday so i will let everyone know how it goes well if he tells me anyways.

Sherri - posted on 08/14/2012

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This is a year old and the OP already posted that the woman is now in jail

Maye - posted on 08/14/2012

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well frist thing I would do ask quatoin I mean alot quatoin with them both and blunt about come right out front say are you sleep with woman you will know if lieing by way he look and answer quatoin and go ask her too then after all that is done call cps in your area tell you son is be done thing i mean blow way i mean call the cops i mean come fbi cia what ever you go to do find out if she doing this to your son for it ABUSE if YOU DON'T DO ANY THING ABOUT IT NOW THAT CUAGHT WIND OF IT YOU NO BETTER THAN HER IN MY BOOK

Christina Yalung - posted on 08/13/2012

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Talk to him as a mother who would truly understand and emphatize his situation, enlighten him with the real scenario that he in and make an effort to talk to that woman and stand to your decision against their relationship and most of all pray for the enlightment of your son and awakening of that woman.

Christina Yalung - posted on 08/13/2012

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Talk to him as a mother who would truly understand and emphatize his situation, enlighten him with the real scenario that he in and make an effort to talk to that woman and stand to your decision against their relationship and most of all pray for the enlightment of your son and awakening of that woman.

Amber - posted on 08/13/2012

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Find out the woman's name and call the local authorities. This is not normal and the woman should be handled. She may have mental issues or not either way she needs to be stopped. What she is doing is illegal and not acceptable on any level. Call the authorities now before it goes any farther.

Amber

Anna - posted on 08/09/2012

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Ava, I don't know if your school district offers this or not but some have on-site day care centers for the high schools. My sister was a teen mom and our district had day care centers at some of our high schools so while she was in class, she had a place to take her daughter versus our mom having to pay for day care somewhere. It made it handy all the way around. Even though we've never met, I think of your family and pray for y'all daily. Hugs from one mom to another! :)

Ava - posted on 08/08/2012

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Thanks i am just concerned about how this will go since school is about to start up again. And he will have to cut his hours back after awhile.

Jessica - posted on 08/05/2012

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What a stand up guy you have raised!!! I have so much respect for teen dads that stick it out and step up to the plate :) Congrats mom, you've done a great job.

My husband turned 17 a month before our oldest was born and has been there everyday, for everything.....More then my son's BM which says alot.

You should be proud :)

Ava - posted on 08/04/2012

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Thanks Laddies i have had him in counseling and He has done wonderfully by raising his son and working a lot to pay for mostly everything.

Anna - posted on 07/30/2012

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Oh, Ava! I'm glad to hear that she is in jail but sorry about all the other craziness this has brought you. I can only imagine the hardship you and your family is enduring now with raising your grandson. Your son and grandson are blessed to have you in their lives despite what your son may be saying. Stay strong and get some counseling not only for your son but also for the family, if needed. Even talking to a minister might be helpful. Don't forget to take care of yourself in all the craziness, too!!! You and your family are in my thougths and prayers!!! Hugs!!!

Jessica - posted on 07/29/2012

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Call the police and report her, even if its consensual its still rape and as the parent you can press charges.

Chaya - posted on 07/26/2012

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If there's any reason to get him away, do so. Take his cell phone away, deny him computer, ground him. File a restraining order, It's statutory rape if not contributing to the delenquency of a minor. Children aren't adults, if they are exposed to sex prematurely, they'll not grow emotionally after that.

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