Why does my daughter do her homework then not turn it in

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

I was just like this.

Kids don't understand what they ar doing to themselves. Or why.

For the parents of smart, yet 'underachieving' kids...

1. She may not remember to turn it in, may be easily distracted. I was probably undiagnosed slight ADD.

2. As an adult I realize that even though I didn't understand what I was doing, I was probably trying to take some control of my life. My mom was one of my teachers, and school work took up the majority of my waking hours. Looking back I can see that not turning in my work was a rebellion of the constant oversight and supervision from my parents. In an effort to help me succeed, they decided to take control and bring more regimentation into my life. (Once I learned to be successful with my studies, then I could have some free time.)

They were more invested in my success than I was and I knew it.

What worked to change me?

1. They forbade me from babysitting in 7th grade because I got a D in Word of God class. (I couldn't have been all bad if I was responsible enough to be in demand as a sitter! lol) That consequence, and having to explain to the families I babysat for, spurred me on to turn in my work. My grade improved and I was allowed to babysit again.

2. I still turned in 'below capability' work in math (mom was my teacher) and it was not until I went to high school with no teachers who previously knew me and was more on my own that I learned that the buck stopped with ME.

I think at some point I wanted to fail or succeed on my own.

Mom used to check all my work and hound me to do my corrections, and not let me turn in work that was lousy.

(What a GREAT Mom! Seriously- she loved me far more than I deserved!!!!)

What I probably needed was to be allowed to fail and then reap the consequences and learn from them- like I did in high school. I messed up some and got a D in Algebra, but brought it back up to a C without my mommy standing over me. (This was my lowest grade, and otherwise i as a good student)

When kids succeed because parents stand over them, it makes a kid wonder if their success is BECAUSE of their parents. I doubted I could make it on my own until I actually did it on my own. I didn't know why I did that at the time, but I'm pretty sure now why I did.



Just my experience- sometimes parental love can get in the way of a child experiencing real world discipline.

Kristine - posted on 01/22/2009

10

6

0

Quoting Tina:



My 14 year old went through that for a long time, and I still think he slips sometimes. He claimed he'd "forget" and when I told him he was only hurting himself, then the excuse turned into.."well, I didn't hear him/her ask for homework". I finally just started making him do homework he got zeroes on, and turning it in anyway. Regardless whether or not he got a grade for it.  Especially when his grades started paying the price. He seems to have improved.





My son is 14 and pretty much gives the same excuses.  Thank you so much for the idea.  I'm going to make him do the work anyway.  I'm hoping this might be his wake up call.  Thanks again!!!

Andrea - posted on 01/22/2009

8

27

0

I do appreciate everyones stories and opinions on my question.  Sometimes you feel like the only one out there with this problem.  I know I'm not, but you feel like it.  It probably doesn't help that her younger sister is a A-B student and already knows where she wants to go to college and what she wants to be.  She's a freshmen and my oldest is a junior.  there is tension between the 2.  I don't feel like I can praise my middle child over her achievements and the oldest gets mad if the middle child and I talk about her future.  Shaine feels that I don't understand her dreams of drawing and arts.  I do understand, She needs to understand that an education will take her further.  

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

21 Comments

View replies by

Stacy E - posted on 02/04/2014

3

0

1

Heck, forgot which forum I was in. Sorry, my teenager is awesome. Need to wander over to the incorrigible elementary age boy discussion and look for advice of my own. LOL!!!!!!

Stacy E - posted on 02/04/2014

3

0

1

My daughter who is now nineteen went through this in about 4th grade. She was, until then, highly self motivated and responsible. My second daughter who is now in fifth grade went through the same thing last year. I never did figure it out and the teachers I have spoken to about this, (at least a dozen), have all said they dont understand it but it is common and usually resolves itself. I wonder if there is peer pressure involved? Both my girls just phased out of it. It was very frustrating at the time.

Sallie Ben - posted on 04/02/2013

11

0

4

my son did this all of the time. When he was in 8th grade i told him that if he missed one more assignment, got one more zero (sometimes he did the work and didn't turn it in, other times he just FORGOT) that i was going to go to school with him and spend the day shadowing him so that I could see what was going on and perhaps help him (!).

I spent the day at school with him and he didn't seem to mind. He was really floundering. I sat in on his speech class and discovered that he had an as-yet undiscovered and unbelievable talent at speaking.

I immediately got him into debate, at which he excels and now he will probably go on to get a scholarship for it for college. So I am very glad I went that day.

His assignment turning in did improve a little after that day, for one thing the teachers were impressed that I would try anything.

For whatever reason, it is like the beginning of sophomore year everything changed. He was like a different kid. And we had struggled with this issue since SECOND GRADE. I don't know what happened, but he just turned it around.

Threaten to shadow them for a day at school. Who knows, it may work!

Kerri - posted on 01/24/2009

8

4

0

I had the same problem with my son but found out that he had ADHD. He is a very bright child but just could not remember to turn in the homework. I knew he had done it, I sat and watched him at home. Once he was put on the right medication he has been a totally different person. He turned everything in, teachers love him, it's amazing. It's not always the teacher, regardless of what the child says.

Andrea - posted on 01/24/2009

8

27

0

Oh I've been dealing with counselors, administrators, teachers ect, for years.  The system we have right now seems to be working.  hopefully she will outgrow this and can move on with her life.  as far as post education, she has messed that up pretty well

Cindy - posted on 01/24/2009

6

7

0

As a Junior in High School.  Your oldest is in charge of her assignments, test dates and when the PSAT, ACT and SAT are to be scheduled and taken if she wants to attend art school.  Consequesnces of not turning work in show up on the report card.  Her school should not blame you.  Perhaps a trip to the conselor would help.  The folder idea works for my daughter.  I let her pick out a new one and it seems to be working.  Also, a daytimer is provided at school.  If they don't have a system, they should be on sale somewhere in the calendar section (Barnes & Noble).



 



Good luck!

Andrea - posted on 01/22/2009

8

27

0

I do understand.  I have been doing the barter system, It seems to be working for now.  

Jamilah - posted on 01/22/2009

14

16

0

My son has the same issue...he alsways says "I forgot"...it is very frustrating!

Andrea - posted on 01/22/2009

8

27

0

again, thank you.  It is just wonderful to talk to other parents in the same boat.  She had a job then had to quit because of grades.  Now were working on driving.  We will need to stay in touch to see how our kids will turn out.  Thanks again

Tina - posted on 01/22/2009

3

7

0

Now I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels like I'm training a dog! He's a good kid, and I worry about him being responsible for himself throughout high school and college. He thinks he wants to get a job, and I told him no way so far! It is encouraging to talk to other parents too. I'm sure you're doing a wonderful job!

Andrea - posted on 01/22/2009

8

27

0

I do make her do the homework and turn it in even though it won't count.  I'm into bartering.  It seems to be working.  I feel like i'm raising a dog.  positive reinforcement thru good behavior and treats.  her treats being, she gives me good study time and I give her her computer or Ipod for 1 hour.  I guess my fear is, she will not be able to be on her own even after high school.  she is so dependent on me.  

Tina - posted on 01/22/2009

3

7

0

My 14 year old went through that for a long time, and I still think he slips sometimes. He claimed he'd "forget" and when I told him he was only hurting himself, then the excuse turned into.."well, I didn't hear him/her ask for homework". I finally just started making him do homework he got zeroes on, and turning it in anyway. Regardless whether or not he got a grade for it.  Especially when his grades started paying the price. He seems to have improved.

Andrea - posted on 01/22/2009

8

27

0

I never thought that the paper or papers would not be good enough to turn in.  that makes sense.  I will do the folder and with fingers crossed she will turn her grades around.  I dont know that it is the best idea i have ever had, but now im bartering.  I want a good hour of study even if she doesnt have any homework then she can have an hour on the computer.  In starting that last night, i found out that she has a test friday, she never would have studied for it before

Shelly - posted on 01/21/2009

1,605

20

230

Thanks Pati thats a great idea.  The only problem I have is getting the teachers to get out of the mind set of " it's not my responcebility to make sure his home work is turned in."   Pull your hair out  type of frustration

Pati - posted on 01/21/2009

214

7

33

I used to do that, mostly as I though it was wrong or not perfect. so in stead of getting a bad grade, it was none or fail.  My daughter does it as well, not so much since 11th grade but it was bad for awhile. It took me having a contract with her to let me see it upon completion and then she had to bring back the graded paper to be kept in a folder (in case the teacher said never got it)  It really got her into being accountable to herself, and her grades went up.

Shelly - posted on 01/21/2009

1,605

20

230

Thats a tough one and yes he is very smart he is graduating a year early.  But it's the book smart and not the common sence smart

Andrea - posted on 01/21/2009

8

27

0

I'm sorry also, because like my daughter, your son is brilliant isn't he.  She does it to teachers that she like also

Shelly - posted on 01/21/2009

1,605

20

230

If she's anything like my 17 yr old son his resoning is he doesn't like the teacher!!!!??? And I had to explain to him that he's not hurting the teacer in this misguided thinking it's him!!!!



Good luck it's not an easy fight

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms