Gifted child does not want to be gifted

Michelle - posted on 01/15/2013

Don't push her. Let her know it's okay to be in the "normal" class. If she is social and has lots of friends, she may feel that if she is in the gifted program she won't be able to hang out with her friends. She will be fine, just stay positive & allow her to have input in her education, if she is advanced, she will understand all of these things.

Kathryn - posted on 12/13/2012

I'm just chiming in late in hopes this may be of benefit to other parents trying to understand their gifted child. I'm assuming that the OP has already found resolution to this issue.

Also, there is a huge difference between smart and gifted, and 130+ IQ. With 130+ giftedness (or 2 standard deviations above 100) comes a myriad of other complicated "benefits?". My younger sister is easily plus 115, but not above 130 gifted. She has her PhD. I barely scraped through college b/c I couldn't focus.

Having said that, I can understand your daughters reticence to being seen as "smart" or classified as gifted. I was tested and "skipped" 4th grade. Emotionally, this was fine for me until I was in high school. The maturity level of an 18 (and some 19) year old seniors vs a 16 year old (me) senior was huge. I was capable of the academics, and had a nice circle of friends, yet I was just younger. I would not recommend skipping grades. Yes, I know that's not the question.

My fear was, "I'm smart. But what if I struggle with math? What if I need help with other things" - which, doing 7th grade reading in 3rd grade, it was perfectly acceptable for me to need instruction.

I didn't fear my friends seeing me as smart (because honestly, nearly all of my other friends were well above average too). My fear was "smartness / gifted label is now my identity. But what if I fail? I can't fail. I must preserve this identity at all cost". Which plagued me even into adulthood.

As an aside, I do not think there is any benefit for a child to know their IQ. Because success in life is dependent on their own choices an dozens of other factors.

Julie - posted on 10/03/2011

Have you asked her why she's behaving that way? Don't judge her, just ask an open question and tell her you want to understand why and then listen. Tell her what you are concerned about. Help her come up with possible solutions by saying what will/would happen if you/we do/did/talk to/ask for... and keep the lines of conversation open about what is going on in school. I obviously don't know your child, but I know my children look very social at school to others, but in reality they don't have close friends and they are surviving school. They have figured out what they should and should not do to get through the day and when they get home they make up for what they didn't get at school or let out their frustrations. Underachieving in students that are GT/TD is not considered a priority at school, unless a student starts to break down and fail completely. "No academic impact" is a favorite excuse. Keep your student talking and teach them to advocate for themselves by keeping them involved in the process of advocating for them. In my experience they will not like having the parent involved, the schools will fight you, but at least you know you aren't just watching your child self destruct and not trying to get help from the people who are supposed to be creating a supportive, safe environment for everyone to learn.

Barb - posted on 10/03/2011

Quit calling them gifted - its a label that overzealous parents have tacked on to their children. ALL children are special - yours no more than any else's. We all survived our childhoods without those labels and the accompanying "my child is so sensitive". I think is just ruining our children and creating a generation of children who are socially awkward. Your daughter needs to be running around outside, climbing trees, laughing, being a kid. Stop treating her as this precious little gifted child (because truly -- who knows what that means? I'm sure a test would say I'm gifted.) Give her chores to do, responsibilities, a pet - and stop overemphasizing whether she is smart or not. Some of the most "gifted" people I've seen over the years turned out to be not very successful as adults because they weren't able to properly socialize and they were so focused on how smart they supposedly were that they missed out on all the other components of being a well-adapted adult.

Marie - posted on 02/06/2010

Sounds familiar. My grade school didn't have a gifted program, and when I placed 1st in the 2-8 grade science fair, my fourth grade teacher decided to give me extra science enrichment. She handed me a 7th grade science text and asked for a book report on volcanos. I read the book cover to cover, shoved it in my desk and forgot about it. When report card time came around, T asked Mom how the book report was coming along. Mom said I had turned it in. Oops. Grounded.



The Moral-of-the-Story is not to let your child sabotage her tests and homework. This can become a very bad habit in the long run. I called it 'dumbing down' to be accepted by others, and it didn't work for me. My nicknames were 'Spock' and 'Encyclopedia'.



Keep up the extra classes and projects, and have a talk with your child and her school (principal and teachers) about accepting only her best while keeping her grades totally confidential. NO public postings of grades: they are damaging to kids at both ends of the intellectual spectrum. Her future transcripts may become very important for her career choices and this sabotaging of her grades is only a short term solution. "No Child Left Behind" should include even those who choose to be 'left behind'.

Cheryl - posted on 02/05/2010

This is very similar to what my son seems to be pulling currently. Fortunately ( or unfortunately?) there are far fewer gifted programs here in France. He is getting in with the worst kids in the class (who, I wonder, are perhaps also very smart--and bored...) and doing often much less than he could do...
Things got slightly better for us when I started homeschooling him each Wed. morning (no school here in France), doing things in English that he wants to do... I'm no expert, but I do what I can, and he seems to enjoy it, although he sometimes complains. Still hoping and praying that he can find a friend who's more at his level. May not be until junior hi or high school... We'll see.

Amy - posted on 02/01/2010

Shes actually demonstrating her intelligence, she knows she needs to fit it with others to suceed. Its also am imprtant lesson she needs to know how to get along with people and handle group situations to function. A tutor at home for areas that she is interested in would be a good idea. Let her enjoy being a kid.

Trina - posted on 02/01/2010

This is the very reason I decided to homeschool my son. I didn't want to have this sort of thing happen. He learns at his own pace without ever worrying about being labeled. He has a social life and his friends never see what level he's learning at. He's just another kid to play with. The only advice I could give is pull her out and homeschool. If that's not possible then good luck with whatever you decide! I hope the best for you guys.

Patricia - posted on 01/30/2010

I understand your daughters position. I actually failed the entrance exam to an excellerated high school so I had to be sent to the same one as my friends. What worked for me might work for her. My parents went out and found me a mentor in a subject that interested me -- in my case science and I met once every two weeks with a local microbiologist. I got to learn by example that being smart opened doors to me that weren't opened to other people and she was someone who could listen to my fears, concerns, ect that wasn't my parents because come on, let's face it -- surely your parents don't have the capacity to understand you *eye roll at my former non parent self*.

I still avoided the gifted and talented class and my parents didn't force it and none of us are the worse for wear because of it. My life did not end because I was taken out of a special class. Meanwhile, the threat was laid down that if they caught me sabotaging tests again not only would I be right back in there doing math puzzles and extra homework, they'd take away activiites and force me to take up something truly geeky like Latin or Cello and then tell all my friends about it. The argument was -- sabotaging a test or a project is the worst form of cheating because you're hurting yourself.

Allison - posted on 01/30/2010

My Mom never put pressure on me, thank goodness !! I can tell you from my own experience that teachers and peers expect alot out of the gifted kids. Some comments are cruel and others are compliments. The gifted child knows how to spell , knows answers to all the questions etc.... Some students treat the person like a walking encyclopedia. Heaven forbid they make a mistake!!. There was a time that I didn't want to be gifted anymore. I didn't like the extra attention and wanted to change the way people treated me. We moved and I went to a different school in 6th grade.
That was my chance. I failed the Spelling Bee on purpose so I wouldn't moved on to the next level !! The new kids had no idea . I don't have an answer how to handle it. Maybe she feels somewhat like I did and you can talk to her about that. I was in the Gifted program from 1st thru 5th grade. My new school didn't have one, so that wasn't an issue. .

Christie - posted on 01/22/2010

My daughter doesn't mind it so far but her teacher said last yr she had a student that did the same thing. For some reason that girl was determined to play the dumb blonde role all the way. It's such a shame to waste potential...If it were Danielle I would have a heart to heart first. If that didn't work then I would either go for family counseling or do all her "gifted" things on the side depending on her reaction to our talk. If you can find the right classes with children like her maybe she'll grow out of this faze. Luckily she's still young enough to were her grades won't effect anything major:) My daughters doctor that did her testing for gifted recommended a different language or an instrumental class.