Gifted child terrified to be wrong

Tammy - posted on 06/10/2010

Thanks for all the help, we've enrolled Trina (and her brother) into a martial arts class with the idea that it would take the focus off of how smart she is and show her that she has other talents too, not just being a brainiac. I was always told that martial arts would be a great way to teach kids self esteem and self respect so hopefully this will build her confidence. So far she really loves it, so we'll see...

Erin - posted on 06/07/2010

we try to focus on special intrest and having fun. joined the scouts and found many friends that are only or oldest children of also gt parents so that we can meet up and share stories... have fun learning and growing. you are raising your children to become funtioning adults the best you can. she will make it just as you did with your parents. just jump in and have fun with her when you can.

Jawaka - posted on 06/07/2010

As a gifted parent raising a gifted daughter, a developmentally delayed son, 2 daughters that are darn near exactly average a little over average, and an inquisitive 2 yr old I must say that I cringe when I tell you that I am following my own mother's footsteps...lol. I was tested for gifted support in 1st grade, my older brother in 1st grade and my younger brother in around 3rd grade....yet it wasn't until years later that my parents spoke on it. There were a multitude of students that left the regular classroom on a daily basis for extras so I didn't pay it much attention until 5th grade when they separated the classes into 1 class for the gifted and 2 classes for all the rest. My parents didn't dwell on our giftedness. Now with my own daughter, she was tested at age 5 and her IQ classified her as a genius. She is now 11 about to finish 6th grade and we just talked to her about her own gifts last school year. Not to say that it wasn't apparent to her that she was sooo different then her peers (she was reading Langston Hughes and Maya Angelou while her classmates were reading Dr. Seuss). I sat down and told her that her intelligence is only one part of who she is and it is up to her to make the best of what she has. I do not expect her to come home with perfect scores all the time but we do expect her to try her best. I found that on the few tests that she didn't get every question that they were simple errors(i.e. in math transposing the formula or simply copying the answer wrong from the scrap paper). When she would beat herself up over the answers I would just have her do it again and she would find her own mistakes and know that it was a copying error and not be quite as hard on herself.
Try to not talk to her about her giftedness but reassure her that she did the best she could and that you are proud of her. It's not about not being right but being perfect....in our eyes they already are.

Heather - posted on 06/04/2010

There are a lot of books about the inner workings of gifted children. One of the traits is perfectionism. Also anxiety. My son has both. Remember that she is only 7 years old. She is having a hard time with her academic self and her emotional self. Maybe look into therapy or other groups that work on buidling self-esteem and know about gifted children.

Becky - posted on 06/03/2010

Mine will be graduating from high school next year. Perfectionism is a tough one. For her, I've had to narrow some of her choices of where to focus her energy. Not only is she gifted in all areas of academics, she is also an artist and musician (three instruments!)
As time went on through middle and high school it became obvious she not only thought she COULD do everything, but that she SHOULD do everything and do everything to perfection. I started pulling "mommy rank!" "Yes, dear you are able to do whatever you put your mind to. Unfortunately, there isn't enough time in a day, week, month, lifetime to accomplish everything and be perfect at it. What is most important? Is there anything you can let go of for now? What do you think will happen if you don't get an A?"
Now, does this work? Sometimes. And sometimes I have to stop and realize that life is about making choices and handling the outcome. It can be pretty painful for a parent to watch your child stumble and fall. But all kids stumble and fall.
We have a great relationship and our school system has been wonderful to work with her issues with test anxiety, depression, being hard on herself, etc. At one point, I asked all of her teachers to stop pointing out that she is a perfectionist and accept the fact. She doesn't want that to change, she wants to get better at it!!

Shira - posted on 05/27/2010

Hi Tammy, Perfectionism and anxiety seems to come hand in hand with giftedness. I disagree to not "label" your daughter. Being upfront and honest with her and her talents is empowering to her and gives her an understanding about her diffrences...which with highly gifted kids there are many! I suggest to just consistently reassure her that nobody is expecting her to be 'perfect' . I try to point out my daily mistakes ..not in a condisending way but matter of fact. Just to normalize MISTAKES. I would also try to get the teachers on board with her anxiety/ perfectionism and have them reassure her during school as well. Good luck!

Jane - posted on 05/26/2010

It will come with time! My now 20 year old was that way...it's really not about "if she's wrong" but rather about perfection. She feels a need to be perfect. All you can do is keep doing what you are doing. Remember one thing though...don't always focus on her abilities...constantly praising her for her giftedness. It puts way too much pressure on them. Just let her be a little girl. I know too many parents who make this mistake and they wind up with neurotic children.

Louise - posted on 05/25/2010

My son is on the gifted and talented register and he is now nearly 19. I have been through this with him. The problem that you have is she has heard from everybody that she has a talent and now she is trying to live up to those expectations. You need to take the labelling away as much as you can. Do not tell her she is talented it is to much pressure. We all know she is but it is to much of a burden to bear at this age. Do not mention it around her, step away from it. She needs to learn that getting things wrong is normal. My son would go into an almighty strop if he got anything wrong and would really beat himself up about it. I don't know how you will teach her it is ok to get things wrong I never mastered it. Just take the pressure away and treat her normally, just ignore the wrong ones and praise her what ever scores she gets. My son also has a tallent for maths and is now off to univesity to study maths and languages. He is highly critical of himself and gets very annoyed should he get things wrong but this is something he has to deal with. It's all a part of being in that 1% who have a gift.