Hiding or downplaying abilities

Rebekah - posted on 01/28/2009

I just wanted to clarify that I am not suggesting making my child intentionally hide or be deceptive in any way about his abilities, although I do know that many children arrive on that method on their own when they reach the age of wanting to "fit in." I guess I was asking more about striking a balance between being entirely forthcoming and openly discussing it with other adults or keeping it on more of a need-to-know basis. I do find myself secretly hoping he won't do anything "weird" in certain situations.

I think some of it is part of the culture of what I call "competitive parenting" (tennis mums included) with parents pushing their children to achieve at earlier ages. I never wanted to be part of that, but, best intentions aside, I have a child who wants and needs all the things I was going to wait on (school, music, language lessons) and who other parents use as a barometer for their own children's success. I have had multiple people pump me for information about what I "did" with him and have dealt with negative and accusatory attitudes. I guess some of my bad experiences have made me go on the defense, which isn't really where I'd like to be. I guess I have to learn to work on my attitude (and social graces) and accept this as a small trade off for the loads of fun that we have on our own.

Tracey - posted on 01/27/2009

hi,

I have always noticed that to fit in , downplaying is excellent.  But the down side is the "Use it or lose it" factor.  Not just that you have to work harder at what was naturally your talented or gifted right in the first place.  But through downplaying abilities, you are not preparing others to respond properly  to  your natural abilities.   Lying to them, trading  for the right to fit in, and giving them a false sense of who you are. is not a fair trade either way.

On the other hand, being who you really are, gives others the opportunity to be inspired, and to ask for help, or bring offers of cooperation and will channel the right friends and influences your way and theirs.

If you are blessed with gifted children, dont miss the chance to thoroughly love it and enjoy every moment. !   Share with others  !!   and show your children how to shine amongst everyone :-) regardless of ability

Deborah - posted on 01/27/2009

See ... I'm not alone! LOL. Thanks for that Candy and OT I love your profile pic - very vivid with the blue shirt and bowl of strawberries.

And Lauryan ... LOL you better watch it you might have some takers over here especially with the weather being so nice there right now and ours so yucky.

Jennifer: I think you are so right about reminding our kids that though they have intellectual gifts, other kids have gifts too. I always want her to be respectful of other kids feelings.

Candy - posted on 01/27/2009

Quoting Deborah:

'tennis mums' so cracks me up because I am literally surrounded by the tennis mums here. ... So one day they were talking about it and I think my eyes rolled into the back of my head and it really was the last straw ...

YES, exactly!!  They'd turn up to pick up the kids, still in their Reeboks and tight T-shirts and little white skirts, all tanned legs and muscle tone and airhead conversation, and I'd be there straight from work  in my frumpy respectable teacher clothes and dying to talk about the education our children were getting, but looking and feeling like a barnacle on a racing yacht...

Jennifer - posted on 01/27/2009

One of my friends tells me how she hates when moms brag about how advanced their kids are when they're clearly average kids. (every mom's biased).  But she always adds that I don't do that although I'm the only one with a valid reason to.  i guess I spend so much time telling my 9 year old that although he's clearly academically gifted, other kids have special talents too that I do the same when other moms make comments about his abilities.  (like the girl who excells at gymnastics, etc...)

Lauryan - posted on 01/27/2009

Am laughing at Rebekah being a shut in... whahaha - exactly how I feel sometimes - like I could climb the walls!



I am so glad that I can drag Nathan with me to Aiden's swimming lessons - give me too much to do, so I can't chat to the mommies and grannies there really. And they all focus on the baby, so no space for comments on Aiden's chattering all through the class.



Example: yesterday we were late for his class, so the teacher said to me there is another Toddler class in 20 minutes time, sit, relax and he can join in that one. Awesome. So off he goes for this lesson with another 2 year old and a 3 year old. At one stage they have to sit on the step and kick their toes just out the water. The teacher calls it "making jellies". And asks the kids what colour their jellies are. The 3 year old says red. The other 2 year old says red. Aiden says - I'll make blue jellies, but they are not real jellies that you can eat! THEN a few minutes later they are all standing on the side of the pool - they are going to jump in. She asks the 3 year old what animal he wants to be - he says dolphin. 2 year old again echoes him. Aiden's turn: "I'm a HUGE whale so I am going to make a big splash when I jump in" thank goodness Nathan started moaning as I sensed the 3 year olds mom and the 2 year old's granny about to say something to me. I rushed off and kep busy with baby for the rest of the time :p (cop out I know)



Deborah - that's a done deal - ANYIME anyone wants to come visit South Africa, I will happily play taxi, inn keeper and tour guide as long as you all bring me stuff youhave there ok?!?? So.. who's coming first? :D



I found a free online site for language learning, but it's adult based. Am going to do a search for a german kiddies software package as well. I'd love to learn it with him!

Deborah - posted on 01/26/2009

From what I could tell of the short time we used it ... I liked the build up of words and short sessions. I really do need to get it back out and try it with her tomorrow especially since she brought up counting in Spanish. So will give it a try and let you know. BTW it is a computer program.

Jessica - posted on 01/26/2009

Welcome Deborah!  Please let me know how you like it!  I am very eager to buy it, but would love to hear what you think of the Spanish one first!

Deborah - posted on 01/26/2009

You know I actually do have the hooked on phonics Spanish and totally forgot! I got it at a close out store: Tuesday Morning for basically nothing. I really need to pull it out and try it with her. I had it right around Christmas and there was too much going on so she wasn't that interested. So I will try again. Thanks for jogging my memory!

Jessica - posted on 01/26/2009

Hi ladies...I thought I would throw out a little option for you.  Hooked on Phonics has a Spanish program (and a ton of other ones) for the computer.  I have not yet gotten one, but plan to and will let you know how it is.  But, we are planning on getting the Hooked on Chinese edition.  And I figured I can to learn at a 4 year old level.  LOL!!!  My son has a friend that only speak Mandarin that he really gets along with, so I figured it is worth a try to see if it takes! They have a ton of different programs and workbooks.  We have the Learn to Read pre-k edition right now and I think it is awesome.  Keeps my sons attention better than anything else.  Let me know if anyone orders online as I have a 20% off discount code and am happy to give it out! 

Deborah - posted on 01/26/2009

'tennis mums' so cracks me up because I am literally surrounded by the tennis mums here. They join the country clubs (and yes that is plural) to play tennis while the hubby golfs. Trust me, nothing wrong with that if you are into it but I'm not. And I really can not get behind the country club idea at all. So one day they were talking about it and I think my eyes rolled into the back of my head and it really was the last straw and will be looking to move my daughter next year to the other community because maybe they wont be as much fluff. But as for taking a book in while I wait... if I did that now it would really draw attention so I sit and listen and ask a few questions. I have gotten better with them but still feel so uncomfortable.

Candy - posted on 01/26/2009

Oh my goodness, we so need a thread just for talented mums!  I identify totally with what you guys are saying about our own social isolation.  I had anxiety attacks before my son's birthday parties from the mere thought of having to converse politely with the other kids' 'tennis mums'- with whom I had NOTHING in common- it was agony. 

I am still terrible at small talk.  I simply cannot make my brain be interested in people who don't interest me... and so, despite my eidetic memory for sound and conversation (yeah I know that is a wrong usage but you know what I mean), I forget what they've said to me (names, occupations, whatever) the moment they say it.  Not a great basis for chit chat!  And I'm sorry but I will NOT talk about Paris Hilton et al...

...and the weather thread can only last so long... and then I'm trapped with some deadly boring being in the crushing silence.  AAAUUUGGGGGHHHHHH...

SO good to talk about it with you lot.

Leslie - posted on 01/26/2009

A few comments to make.. when my daughter was little I would discourage my friends from comparing children. I found someones feelings would always get hurt. It was easier to keep quiet. As my daughter became aware of her "differences" she wouldn't share her grades with the other kids so no one would feel bad. She had a teacher in MS who always used to announce when anyone got a 100. I finally had to point out to the teacher that she was making my daughter very uncomfortable. Its hard to juggle your feelings with those of the people around you

Rebekah - posted on 01/26/2009

LOL! If I said Donde esta la cerveza Henry would probably go get me one! The other day he said, "Mama, what would you like, coffee or beer?"

Deborah - posted on 01/26/2009

LOL I think we are all on facebook at the same time. But Rebekah thanks for the suggestion and I will look into the Mommy and me Spanish classes. It definitely would not hurt for mommy to have some lesson. I am so pathetic at it. She has even corrected me! My husband looks at me like I am nuts and goes into this Chicano act with how I am wonder bread. He says Katelyn is wonder bread toasted. Haha. He is only 25% latin so he doesn't even look hispanic but he gets to claim it.

I remember one day I was asking her were her head was in spanish or so I thought. She looked at me like I was nuts and my husband said I hope she doesn't pull out a beer or we are going to have problems! Told you I am pathetic!

Rebekah - posted on 01/26/2009

To add to the spin-off conversations...

Keep up the small victories Lauryan! And, oh yes, we do know that he gets it from my side, whether it's a proven chromosome-linked study or not, it's just evident within ourselves and extended families. I have made a lot of progress socially in my adult life, (I remember making a conscious decision to figure out small-talk and other pleasantries at about 19, and the weather is a helpful topic!) but as a shut-in--I mean SAHM--I may have regressed a little. I despise play dates and only go when I feel obligated, since Henry really could care less as well. Some of the wives of my husband's partners started one because we all have kids the same age and it's my turn to host in February--already dreading it. Oh, and Deborah, I just take a book or magazine when I'm waiting at swimming lessons. Maybe it's a cop out, but I don't see the point in trying to force conversations with people if you've established that you have little in common with them already.

And, I taught Henry Spanish after he had a firm grasp on English numbers, but I did parallel the two, well, actually using ASL as a sort of intermediate translation since I could make the sign and say the number (or word) at the same time. That seemed to work really well. We are definitely at a Spanglish point right now, but he is starting to do full sentences in Spanish, which is fun. I am by no means fluent, so I am trying to figure out how I'm going to keep ahead. He does Spanish at school, which is his favorite thing, as it's his only challenge there and he'll do an immersion class in the fall. Deborah, we did a sort of Mommy and Me Spanish class this fall which he really liked -- maybe you can try something like that first?

Deborah - posted on 01/26/2009

Muzny is a British language program and you might be able to get it there. I do know it comes in German. We chose Spanish because of were we live and more opportunities to expand on. So I would do a search on it and just see.

And of course if you do come across to the USA that would be great too! But I think a lot more of us would rather go visit you over there. So maybe you get to say we can come over as long as we bring whatever list of things you want from the USA. LOL

Lauryan - posted on 01/26/2009

its awesome that you have stuff like that there *sigh*



me contemplates moving over to the US of A... LOL

Deborah - posted on 01/26/2009

Completely separate which I don't think is necessarily the best method but I am the worst when it comes to foreign language. She has the Muzny DVDs and enjoys them but how much she is getting from that I am not sure. I am thinking about sending her to a summer Spanish camp and see how she likes it.

Lauryan - posted on 01/26/2009

Quoting Deborah:

....While typing this Ms. Katelyn just out of the blue started counting in spanish. We haven't done that in months.

That's awesome.   did you teach her in parallel to teaching the english counting or separately?

Come to mention it I haven't heard aiden counting or speaking in German for a while (that's my In laws language and he was counting nicely to 6 in it before he could count to 10 in english - go figure :p

Lauryan - posted on 01/26/2009

Perhaps this is why we are all so grateful for this ONLINE group - less need to interact in real life... (hehe)



Most of my other "mommy" friends I have met online on Parenting forums, so there must be something there. I have never had lots of close friends - only ever one or two at a time - if that!



So there is indeed some truth to that bit :)



Am proud of myself - i used quite a few of the techniques we have discussed here today at a play date - with a 2 year old that is most likely underdeveloped as opposed to even a "normal" 2 year old. So yay for me...

Deborah - posted on 01/26/2009

Our social inabilities is definitely a spin off conversation but a valid one. I feel so awkward with the mom fluff while waiting for my child to finish her dance class. If I am standing I always find my arms crossed and I just can't get into the conversations unless it is of interest. Remember the old saying: If you got nothing nice to say then say something about the weather? Okay doesn't really fit but uncomfortable I should focus on the weather? I guess I would be talking about the weather all the time!

While typing this Ms. Katelyn just out of the blue started counting in spanish. We haven't done that in months.

Samantha - posted on 01/26/2009

LOL this thread is great.

Rebekah, I've got some social issues too. With myself I mean! I have a hard time interacting with other mom irl too. I'm inclined to believe its because I am gifted myself! We do tend to develop social issues...

Boys get their IQ from their moms (and yes there is some controversy on this, you know, from the dads :-O, but there is VERY STRONG evidence of this) so chances are, that's your problem too. :)

Rebekah - posted on 01/26/2009

Wow, I go away for the weekend and come back to so many great posts! I wish I could have read them before the party we were at on Saturday afternoon, though. I got stuck in the playroom with another mom (who I had just met) and her son, who is six months younger than mine. Of course, Henry, who had been playing happily with our friends toys (for an almost 2yo) picks that moment to pull out the alphabet blocks and start spelling words and laying out math problems. I was trying to mediate a bit and acted like I was helping him, although he didn't really need any. So the other mom didn't comment until he said something about that he wanted the number 1 block to say UNO instead of ONE (it had the numeral with the word written underneath). So, she asked how he knew what it said, and I started small by saying that he could sight-read some words (which is true, I just left out the part about being able to read just about any word) and she asked if I'd been working with him or if he just picked it up. I said that he was just very interested in letters and numbers, so we do play with them a lot. But I could see that look on her face that she was concerned about her son, who is of course probably perfectly fine. I had commented earlier on how impressed I was that her son was sharing so well with the other little boy, but I know it's just hard to compare that development to reading and math. I have always struggled with social interactions anyway, and I just find myself at a loss at being the reassuring counselor to moms with comparison anxiety. That sounds terrible, doesn't it?

I have used the "freak" word before too, when he was younger. It really does seem to convey to people, what they want to hear. However, I'm not going to say that in front of my son, nor do I really want to say that he's advanced or gifted in front of him a thousand times. For social acquaintances I sometimes say, oh, well you know his father, or something to that effect, which takes some of the pressure off of me.

I just want to add a big thanks and I'm so glad to have found this forum. I was just reading the other day about isolation being a problem for parents of the gifted, so it has been good timing for me. I do have one friend with an age-mate child that I can talk to, as she was one of the first ones to say something to me about him, because her brother is the same and he reminds her of him. I clearly remember the day that she asked me if he could read and I said, weeeellll... and she said, no, tell me the truth. I just felt like there was a weight lifted off and I actually almost started to cry. I have a few other close friends who obviously know and will ask about him, but I do try to limit the bragging, because they will make jokes about him reading Tolstoy or something, which I haven't decided if they are truly just in fun. Although I will say something like, well, he prefers Nabokov. :)

Candy - posted on 01/25/2009

Hi Rebekah- as a mum whose baby said 'hello' at the age of 7 weeks (yes, WEEKS) and hasn't stopped talking yet haha (he's 23 and onto his PhD in History), I do feel for you!!! When the other 5-yr-old schoolkids were playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, he was trying to discuss the wheel configuration of a locomotive.  (My brother was also the type to explain to my mother exactly how a steam engine works, at the age of 4 and in a very public place... ooh boy.) So I am with you on this.

I found that the best thing to do about passing comments was to smile delightedly and agree that my child was precocious, maybe adding jokingly that he was really lucky with his gene pool, and then (if there was a problem of comparison with their own child) turn the conversation onto their own child and if possible pay their child a compliment too. 

It often IS possible, when you think about it... our gifted ones often have difficulties socialising with their own age group, for example, so it is often easy to, say,  compliment mum on how well their child integrates with others and say you wished yours could do that. This is a way of actively incorporating Kaye's great quote into your life; I teach preschool these days after years of teaching teenagers, and it really is true that they are ALL good at something- maybe at being kind to other children, or at trying new foods cheerfully, or at keeping their surroundings tidy. 

Those mums commenting on your amazing kid are anxious to talk about their own child... their fears... their hopes.  Your child has failings aplenty, I'm sure, so rather than downplaying your kid's abilities, acknowledge them- and then be honest about his shortcomings and share them with the others. 

Being gifted has a down side too.  My son really didn't have any true friends till he was sent to a highly selective school at age 7... your circle of mums might be the friends you've grown up with, but maybe it might be good for your child AND you if you looked for some other gifted kids for him to play with? Hopefully their mums could also give you more support! 

Kaye - posted on 01/25/2009

Quoting Lauryan:

What an awesome quote to use!! Hope you don't mind if I "borrow" that Kaye :)

With pleasure...

Lauryan - posted on 01/25/2009

thanks for clearing that up for me Kylie. :)



And have to agree on Deborah's comment Peggy - this will help me a lot! thank you

Deborah - posted on 01/24/2009

I really am glad you took the time to post Peggy b/c you put a little perspective on it. I haven't even considered that this is short term in my child's and my life and maybe the next time I am in the middle of it all I can smile internally knowing that sharing won't be such an ordeal later on.

Dr. Peggy - posted on 01/24/2009

I have raised my 2 kids (now 24 and 27) so this discussion is nostalgia for me.

Yes, I remember those days of not being able to talk to certain friends or people at work about the achievements of my kids. I do wish I had that line about “all children are gifted,” I would have used it.  (I used the gushing technique - "Yes, isn't it wonderful!!" Maybe because I am a natural blonde, it worked really well.). What happened in the end was twofold - one, as my kids got older the discussions of milestones faded. We discussed what they were doing, not necessarily how well they were doing it. And my kids made friends in the advanced classes or at enrichment activities. With some of those parents, my kids were the more "normal" ones. Later - college - it was perfectly fine to brag to any and all. People than were OK with it.

Kylie - posted on 01/24/2009

Lauryan, here in Aus they have introduced a nationwide grading system that is based on the curriculum rather than how they compare to their peers so theoretically if you have a very bright year there should be a high % of As.

The school my children attend has interpreted the guidelines that for a child to receive an A they must perform significantly above grade level ALL of the time and be able to apply their knowledge and skills in ANY new situation - hence the difficulty in obtaining an A.

Rachelle - posted on 01/24/2009

I want to add to this discussion, but I think the only thing I can say is, amen! As I sat and read all this, the only person I think I can speak completely honestly with about my kids....is their dad! It is very frustrating. I have 3 sisters....2 neices who both have learning problems. LOTS of teacher friends, but we are military and move a lot, so they only hear from me and don't get to see my kids first hand....so if I say much beyond the typical milestones, I feel like they start trying to one-up me, or simply don't believe me. I have concluded that it's just something that I'm going to always have to keep to myself. But I think it's a small problem to have compared to those of kids on the opposite end of the spectrum. So now I'll just say, "thank you, lord, and amen!"

Lauryan - posted on 01/24/2009

Am glad you have those people as a support structure Kylie - and now you have us too! :D



well done to your daughter.



Can I ask why the school limit the number of A's they give out? It seems strange that if a certain percentage is seen to be a specific symbol then that should be honoured? (Just my thoughts)

Kylie - posted on 01/23/2009

I have really enjoyed reading this thread and have also found that having a "gifted" child, while not acknowledging that publicly still resulted in the loss of friends when we started having children and the milestones became comparable and then again when she started school.

Once my daughter started "academically" standing out it became an issue with certain friends. On receiving her report card at the end of last year which was almost straight A's in every subject (hard to do at her school as they only give a max of 6 per subject per grade - only 2 per grade at the half yearly), I was unable to share with anyone but my family and even that caused problems between my sister (who is studying to be a teacher and the mother of 4) and myself.

It is a shame that we are unable to share and my daughter is at such an extremely parent competitive school that I strongly encourage her not to discuss her achievements with friends as I am paranoid about it being repeated to parents (pathetic!!!).

It would be wonderful if we were able to share our children's achievements with family and friends without the fear of judgement, competition and/or envy. I truly share in my friends families moments of joy and proudly share their achievements with one and all.

I have 3 wonderful friends + 2 non competitive sisters who I am able to openly "boast" too and that is a fabulous thing!

Lauryan - posted on 01/23/2009

Deborah - on the one hand I see what is meant about rearranging friendships. This happens along the way of life too - we were the first ones married in hubby's circle of friends, and although they are all still our "friends" their lifestyles are totally different. Especially since I am one of those moms that takes her kids home at bedtime - they start evening parties and get togethers at about 5pm - in our home that's the start of our night time routine. So it makes it very tricky indeed and yes, i have had to find other friends who understand the parenting bit.



But you also expect your TRUE friends to understand and fulfill your need for support and encouragement - we all want and need that validation from time to time, especially from those we consider to be privvy to our own emotions and experiences.



It is a rather sad dilemma...

Lauryan - posted on 01/23/2009

What an awesome quote to use!! Hope you don't mind if I "borrow" that Kaye :)

Kaye - posted on 01/23/2009

My daughter is now 11 and in the 7th grade. I found her a school that streams according to ability and there are a few others who are also on the leading edge so it makes it a little bit easier and I have been able to leave her in a grade level that is close to her age peers. She's only about 1.5 years younger than her classmates.

Her 3rd grade teacher has the best quote. "All children are gifted, some just open their packages a little earlier than others." It kind of takes the sting out of it for other parents. I mostly try to not follow up some other parents comments on their child's achievements with any of my kid's, but I also feel it is important to be honest about my child and where she is at. Particularly at this age, I want her to understand that I am proud of her and want to celebrate her achievements just like any other parent. Since we (her parents) were also gifted children, we have perhaps worked harder to make sure her experience was as unlike our own as possible.

Deborah - posted on 01/22/2009

I think Lauryan summed it up and quite elegantly at that. Glad you came back to post Lauryan.

But in the middle of it all it IS hard. Human nature for most is to want to share but you risk hurting others. It got to the point that I was embarrassed that she did something in public b/c of all the stares. One day while at a local craft store I was looking at some ribbon which she loved. She was 11 mths old. For the most part she was shy in public but get her excited about something it is almost like she is at home in comfortable surroundings and she opens up. I was not really paying attention to her talking just half answering her as I searched for my ribbon and didn't realize she was talking in sentences. This one mother came around the corner to verify she was a baby b/c her voice gave it away. She asked her age and then freaked out b/c she had a 10 mth old son and clearly something was wrong with him. I felt so bad! I had to spend the next 20 minutes with her assuring her there was nothing wrong with her son who barely said 2 words and according to her they were not very clear compared to my kid where she could make out everything she said. I believe my description of my child was 'you can't use her to judge your child against b/c she's just a freak' (Good mommy points for that one!) When she finally calmed down she asked me what she could do to improve his abilities and I had to explain milestones and how he is on target and of course read to your child and talk to him. I was always the crazy mom talking to the infant about everything when in the supermarket! Did I handle that situation the right way? I hope so b/c I understand it can be traumatizing for parents when they run into children like ours but I also know it was a matter of being caught.

I find that my very best friend who has an older child is about the only one I can really talk to in my friend circle and she gets it. It just so happens that while on a visit (she lives far away now) was when katelyn decided to start reading. So she was so excited to be there to witness it. She, of course, made a comment about my other friend who has a child close in age as mine and knowing how tense my relationship has been with her since she never wants to hear anything katelyn does and changes the subject or gets quiet. She said so when so and so asks how your trip was you should say. Oh it was nice. We went to the MET and Central Park. Katelyn started to read and we hung out at the house and went to a few villages. Yep, she was frustrated at how my other friend has been reacting too.

I really know all the what we should do but when they are close friends it is really hard and hurtful and some people have even suggested that perhaps the friendship is at it's end and most parents with gifted kids really have to reorganize their friendships. I just hate the idea of having to do that.

Lauryan - posted on 01/22/2009

Let me tell you what happened to me with this first: I am on a local Parenting forum where there were about 15 of us that live close to each other all pregnant and due at about the same time. So after all our babies were born we all shared all the milestones together, and even did picnics and playdates as the babies grew. I have even formed really great friendships with many of the moms.



And then Aiden's intellectual milestones started getting faster and faster. Suddenly the other moms were talking about their kids saying a new word (like the 4th word ever) and here Aiden was learning and saying up to 5 or 8 new words every day.



some of the moms have been awesome and actively encouraged me to share my son's abilities with them. Others have been politely incredulous and disbelieving.



It led me to stop saying anything about his achievements as I didn't want to upset other moms who have every right to be excited about their child learning to do stuff without me seemingly overshadowing those achievements all the time.



One mom who was not around at the time of all our pregnancies, whose child is 4 months younger than mine even admitted to me that after meeting us for the first time rushed home to tell her husband that something is wrong with her son. Aiden, who was about 19 months at the time sat there sharing his smarties with one of the kids older sisters (4 years old) and saying all the colours and counting them out as he did so. This woman was worried as her son was only saying a few words here and there and rather unclearly when he did speak.



I have learnt two lots of things:



From the few supportive friends I have I have learnt that I have every bit the right to be proud of my child's learning and achievements. Even if he has this increased ability to learn, it's still a big thing when he can count to 20, or when he knows his alphabet etc. I have learnt that I have the same right as other moms to be proud and to share this with others, that I have the right not to apologise for my son's abilities - as this would make me seem embarrased about him.



On the other hand, I have also learnt that there are some people who will not / do not want to see this type of thing, telling me that he will "even out", that I am pushing him, that he should be allowed to be a child, and that I am over reacting as an overbearing, overly-proud first time mom and that every child if given the opportunity to be at home with mom would perform the same. So from these I have learnt to keep quiet unless specifically asked. And then I answer the question - without additional info, unless prompted.



I have learnt to never respond to a brag moment or cozy mom-to-mom sharing moment with my own stories, rather focusing on the other child and allowing that mom the space to share her stories without interruption. It's a hard thing to learn as I think when they hand you your baby they also infuse a desire in you to share with the world how "clever" your darling is.



But it has enabled me to feel better about myself, and have fewer upsetting moments. And those friends that are really excited about his progress will sometimes ask me what he is up to, and I am grateful to them for that!



my standard comments are:

"Every child develops at their own pace."

"Every mom has the same right to be as proud of her child's achievements"

"WOW - that IS amazing!"

And one that works the best in every situation - a smile and a quiet "Thank you for the compliment"

Samantha - posted on 01/22/2009

Hi Rebekah,

Great thread!

I am still learning to deal with this as well. For instance, last night I'm at my sons piano lesson and he is at the piano for his turn to show what he's been practicing. The teacher listens and then speeds up the metronome. He does this until it is at its fastest speed, then the next kid hops up and can't do at the slowest speed. It creates a very awkward situation and I dont know what to say!

The other parents are like "I guess he's been playing a while huh?" and I'm like "Well, actually this is his 3rd lesson".

I guess I have no advice for you on this one. I'm in the same predicament and sympathize if that helps! lol I'm anxious to hear what other mom's do in these situations as well!

(insert fist bump here)

Lauryan - posted on 01/22/2009

I have a lot to say on this topic, but I have to go cook supper now.. after the kids are asleep I will come back and post. Just wanted you to know that I will reply as soon as I can