Dont know what to do... cant take it anymore...

Andria - posted on 02/28/2010 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Okay so this may get a little long...



My problem is my family, meaning my mother, my grandmother, my sister Amanda, my aunts and uncles on my mothers side, and my cousins on my mothers side... Mainly my mothers side of my family.



I have been with my fiancee for about five years now. We have had our ups and downs and our many fights. Now, my mother is a recovering drug addict. My fiancee has a not so nice crimminal past. They hate eachother. They talk about eachother constatly. Its so bad they have a restraining order agaenst one another. There have been accusations of my fiancee breaking my moms car windows, my car windows have been broken. There have been myspace pages made about me and my fiancee and pages made about my mother and my sister.



Now its just getting worse. I dont know who is telling the truth. There was one time that my man made a craisglist page. I foound out and he admitted to it right away and took it down. Now I am reall good and knowing when he is lying, I can just see it in his eyes.

My mother when she is lying I would have no idea.



This fight between my fiancee and my family is killing me. I missed my very close cousins sons birthay because I was invited then uninvited because I asked if my fiancee could go. I mean I have to stick up for him. There have been times in the past where my mother has told my fiancee to leave me and if he dosnt she is going to make his like hell. Well she is.



Okay so we have been together for about five years and have a one year old daughter together and I am due to give birth to out second daughter anyday now.

I am so hurt because my mother wants me to split up the holidays and birthdays. meaning she wants Jayda Jo (my daughter) to have two christmas's, two easters, two thanksgivings and so on...

For my daughters first birthday the only person who was at her birthday from my side of the family was my sister Ashley. It killed me. I wanted to just break down and cry. But I had to hold it together for my daughter.



I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like if I keep away from my family its hurting jayda Jo. By not seeing her family. But then I feel I should because if they cant accept her daddy then I should only back him up. I am just so lost. Last night I had a dream Jayda Jo was getting married and my mother asked me to have two weddings!!! Really is that what my life is going to be like forever???



I just dont know how to deal with this anymore, I want to make everyone happy and its not working. I am going to end up losing my fiancee becuase of this. I am just so lost. If anyone knows what I am going through, please help me!!!! Thanks all, sorry it got so long!

Andria

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lorraine - posted on 04/09/2010

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I know that it is very hard to let go of family, but in the end you have to do what is best for the family you are making with your fiancee. In the end he is the one that is gonna be supporting you emotionally, financially, etc. I know that growing up without an extended family might not be the thing you want the most, but do you really want your babies growing up in an atmosphere with so much negativity? I wouldn't want you to worry forever about dropping off your daughter and the whole time your family bad mouthing her father in front of her. Or even worse if your soon to be hubby needs to pick her up and they won't give her back to him. My husband is in the military and we move around and pretty much depend on one another. I might be lonely sometimes, but I honestly feel that we would not be so close if we had so much drama. From what it sounds like, you fiancee would do whatever you asked, just like with the craigslist ad. Just let him know that you guys need to retreat and focus on each other for a while. Let your family know that you can not take the stress and need sometime alone. Try to keep in contact by pictures, email, whatever, but don't get sucked into a dark whole that will probably go on forever. The older your children get the more they will be drawn in as well. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you get the peace you are looking for.

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7 Comments

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Ashleigh - posted on 04/10/2010

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My situation was different, my are in-laws that can't be in the same room together. For the past 10 years they did have 2 different holidays, birthdays, ect. The only time they could be together was at my brother in law's 1st marriage and that was because alcohol was involved. It finally took me standing up about it before we got married last year. I was furious that my MIL and her family weren't going to come because my FIL and his girlfriend were coming.

My husband and I had to threaten that they couldn't see our son anymore if they didn't act like adults. The wedding went well, no fights and they realized that they could be adults and be in the same room together. Now we have had 3 birthdays and no incidences so far.

I know my situation probably didn't help yours. But be strong, do what you feel is right and don't worry, there are always lots of people to love your kids. Stand up for what you believe!

Andria - posted on 03/14/2010

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thank you ladies you all have helped soooo much!!! thank you thank you thank you!! :-D

Laura - posted on 03/11/2010

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I understand. Although my situation is not nearly as bad as yours. There are family members on his side I do NOT get along with and my family is a very spread out, divided family. I just decided that each holiday, birthday, special occasion will be our own deal. Once you start a family, you can do things just you and your family! So for big holidays, I just worry about doing something with just the three of us (my hubby, me, my son). On his first bday, I had to suck it up and have more people than I really wanted. I like small gatherings but his family is just so big! Just don't worry about those people and focus on your kids. At the end of the day, it's your own life. Even though you love your mother and sister, you have your own family now so you need to focus on that! Invite them to events and if they choose not to come, it's their loss. Just surround yourself and children with as many loving people as possible. And for the ones who want to be childish, forget them. They will come around if they really care. It's not up to your mom anymore. You do things your way and only worry about making you and your children happy :)

Tania - posted on 03/06/2010

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Thats a HARD one - If your daughter means that much to them - ya think they would put there differences a side for her sake . Your mother should put hers aside for ur sake if not for yours but for your daughters. I would not give your mother the next birthday or Christmas NO WAY! They need to grow up. They will be the ones that are missing out on baby - thats their prob if they want to be pitty. I was in the same boat - Mum and my partner at the time put there feelings aside as they are adults. Its not about them.

Kerry - posted on 03/05/2010

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My boyfriend and I are expecting our 2nd child and we have decided to leave various people from both sides of our families out of our lives. Meaning both his parents and his older brother and younger sister. We have decided to leave out my sister and my brother. For different reasons. But, we have come to this conclusion due to the fact that yes they are our fmaily but NOW we are the family. meaning me my boyfriend 9Juan0 our son (juan) and our soon to be daughter (alissandra). We have decided that the best thing for our family is to be away from anything stressful. We have enough problems of our own to have to deal with other peoples non sense. At times it gets hard. For example I was very close to my family and went to everything. When my sister got married and bought a house they decided that all the family functions they would hold. That means I am not allowed. It hurts to know that it has gotten to this point however, I do my absolute best to not let it get to me and to realize that yes I will be missing out on family cook outs and what not. But, she will be missing out on far more. Her neice and nephew's lives. We just decided to live our lives the way we want to and people can either get over themselves and join us or get out of our way.

Alexandria - posted on 03/03/2010

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Althou your situation is worse than mine, i do however know what you are going through. My family have never been really thrilled about the relationship i have with my now husband. We went to highschool together and they never thought he was good enough for me. The fighting in my family got so bad and i caused me to break up with him a few different times. It seemed everytime we were apart we somehow managed to just start seeing eachother again. The when i was 18 i found out i was pregnant and few days after he proposed and my parents started to realize that we were serious about wanting to be together and have been supportive. Still to this day (we are now marreid and expecting baby #2) they say horrible things about him and ask when we are getting a divorse and things like that. It is very hurtful the things that they say, sure we fight sometimes and sometimes he doesnt treat me as great as he should but to be honest i am not that nice to him sometimes as well. They just only see one side of the story.

What i did to help my situation was sit down with my family members and explain to them how everything they say and do makes me feel. I explained to them that we are married and that we are going to have our second child together and there is nothing they can do about it. I explained that they can suck it up and just except that this is the way it is going to be or they can just forget about me and my kids and move on with their lives. Once they realized what they were going to be missing out on they smartened up. We are really close now the same as we have always been and they are much better about things to my husband. They do however remind him that they are keeping an eye on him and expect him to treat me and our kids great and it seems to be working well now. We get to have all kinds of family things together and everyone gets along.

So dont worry it will get easier ... just adress the problem head on and explain to them that they are destroying not only yours and your finace' life but the life of your kids as well. Tell them they need to grow up and except (or at least try) to except the situation. Also you need to talk to your finace about treating your mother better, that way she might start thinking more positively of him. This does not mean that he has to be her best freind but maybe just start to respect her as after all she is you mother for goodness sake. Communicate, communicate, communicate and i am sure the situation will get somewhat better for you. Good luck, i will keep you in my toughts and pray that the situation gets better!

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