How often do you get pity looks or lectures because you're pregnant again?

Christina - posted on 12/07/2009 ( 42 moms have responded )

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Not quite sure if it's just because of my age (21, almost 22) or what, but I often have perfect strangers feel the need to say things like "Oh my goodness" or "Are you crazy" or "Do yall not believe in birth control or something?" when they see me around town, or give pitying or even critical looks, simply because of the proximity of ages for my two little girls (I'm not even really showing much that I'm pregnant yet, so I can only imagine the lovely reactions I'll be getting soon enough). I find this very aggravating, especially since it happens ALL THE TIME (and not even because the kids are acting up or something...they're very well-behaved in general).



My oldest daughter just turned 2 in November, which makes my girls 10 1/2 months apart. This was NOT an ideal gap, but works just fine for us. The 2 year old was the birth child of a member of my family who got pregnant in high school and was completely unprepared for motherhood. We took custody shortly after she turned 1 and are finalizing our adoption now. She was an unplanned addition to our family, but one of the biggest blessings in my life. Even people that now of our situation still feel the need to lecture us about having another, though.

I am due in July, so we will have a 21 month gap between the next child and my younger daughter. This just doesn't seem irrational to me. I always wanted an 18-24 month gap for multiple reasons, but am facing tons of criticism for it. Is this common with 2nd, 3rd, or more kids...or is this merely because of my age?

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Lol dont worry about it honestly ... Im expecting my third child in a few months so i will actually have 3 children under the age of two (my oldest is 19 months, my younger child is 8 months and my third child is due in 3 months time) I'm only 21 years of age and i dont actually get weird looks but i do get random comments like "havent you heard of tv" or "wow you should of had triplets" but it doesnt bother me. most of the time people are just amazed and cant even comprehend hving children so close but its a breeze. its not hard at all.

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Lexi - posted on 01/05/2011

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I think your age gaps sound fine and you are a wonderful person for taking in your adopted daughter and giving her the love she deserves. No one should judge you but that's human nature. Just smile, say I am so blessed by my wonderful girls and walk away. I only have my one boy, 18 months but we are thinking of trying for a 2nd now. It's really going to be a bigger age gap then we wanted but financial issues and losing our home kinda put a damper on things for awhile after T was born! We want our kids close enough together to be good friends. My brother and I were 18 months apart and have always been connected at the hip. My husbands sister was 6 years younger and they are practically strangers. I get lots of looks and comments when I take my day care kids out. I take my son (who looks about 2 1/2) a ten month old boy and his 5 year old brother. The comment I get most is "wow, you've got your hands full....." always accompanied by the raised eyebrows and that judgey tone. I'm 29, so I don't think it's just your age. (FYI, I think you seem more mature than some 30 year olds I know, lol) I just say to the people, "they keep me busy but I love em! I wish they were all actually mine but only this one is". If the people are really rude about it I let them believe that all 3 are mine and just show off how well behaved they are. Just stick to your guns and remember you are doing what is right for your family. Other people don't matter

Lisa - posted on 12/23/2010

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it will deffo b becos of age im 23 today lol and i still get looks and coments because i have a 6 year old a 1 year old and pregnant in july next year, but do u no wot wen u know ur going to get 1 of their comments just blankly say did i ask ur oppinion what u have done is lovely for ur family member and people on the outside aint going to know that people should keep their rude and unwanted comments to themselves but yea it will be becos of ur age, i had more critisism wen i had my 2nd at 22 then i did when i had my 1st at 16!! lol which is weird but stuff them luv its really nothin to do with them at all i think ur doin a great job :)

Codie - posted on 12/22/2010

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i think i have a story to top a lot of these. though i'm 19 and no married with a 6mo, daddy and i have been together 4yrs and are engaged to be married aug 27,2011. i was graduated from high school and in dental assisting schoool when i found out i was pregnant with corbin. we got a christmas card the other day from an older couple related to us by marriage. along with the card they sent a letter stating that we needed to ask Jesus into our hearts so He could save us from sin bc our hearts are black and God doesnt allow sin into heaven! i guess they forgot that Christians don't JUDGE!!!!!!! it's not as if this is 1950 for goodness sake and we own our own house, jeremy has a good job, i'm a stay at home mom, and we take care of our family without public assistance. it's no one else's business what you do with your life as long as you can support your decisions. for the most part i just tell people like that that times change and you're supporting your family on your own so mind their own damn business!

Kristine - posted on 05/06/2010

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im 27, my first is 15mos and im due on august, people do stare! and some say it straight like are you crazy? how are you going to take care of 2 kids? but some back off when they see my "so what face" and say but then again it's better to have them close together! lol! dont mind them as long as you take care of the kids that is all that will matter:)

Chrissy - posted on 04/29/2010

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i had my first when i was 19 with a twat of a guy who walked out 2 weeks after she was born, my second when i was 23 with a new man who was just 20 (she has been a very difficalt child) and now having number 3 with the same man who im now married to yet my family still gave me hell over it when i told my dad he said well i gess we all so stuped things and what will you do if it ends up like the last 1, my mum wont speak to me and 1of my husbands family cant understand why we bothered. oh well i dont give a dam there loss x

Alicia - posted on 04/28/2010

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my husband and i had our son when he was seventeen and i was nineteen. when our daughter was born in february (at 19 and 21) that left a two year gap between my kids and people thought i was nuts. and call me crazy again, but we started ttc our third immediately...no luck yet, but i want four before i'm 25 so i can get my body back while i'm still somewhat in my prime :) but i get looks all the time becausee i look like i'm sixteen. i totally ignore it...i can only imagine what our families will say if we get pregnant again this soon, but i really dont care...the bottom line is that we can afford to support our children, so its relly no one elses business...

Krystal - posted on 04/25/2010

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I love when people are like "oh good luck" with the rolled eyes and crazy stare like I'm a crack head for having another child. Or when they are like "Oh my gosh how old are you" or "it's going to be a rough couple of years that's for sure." Personally for me, if you plan your children to have a certain gap then you are or should be clearly aware of the worst things that could happen and found that the benefits outweigh the negatives and that is why your pregnant again lol. My daughter will be 2 June 6th and I was due last Friday (April 23).. However our induction date is set for the night of May 5th so #2 will be her May 6th leaving our babies with a 23 month gap. Personally at first I didn't want another as I'm only 20 but husband is 25 and he wants three before he's 30. So it works for us.

Shauna - posted on 04/23/2010

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People need to mind their biz! if they are not going to help you buy pampers and formula then they should look the other way!!! Just be the Greatest mother you can to those children and when they become Great adults you will have the last laugh ;-)

Amanda - posted on 04/23/2010

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i think its just something lots of people need to get over...i know when i lived with my kids dad and we would have to go to the store we would get lots of nasty looks and dirty comments about having 6 kids and we are 24 and 26 and the kids range from 9yrs old to 1 yr old...i know its very angering and makes you really upset but you need to just have some patience and know that their opinions dont matter

[deleted account]

I am 21 pregnant with our third and the braces and sudden breaking out on my face doesn't help either, but I really don't get that as much as I thought I would. I figure every where I would go I would feel everyone looking at me like I was a alien.

Shauna - posted on 04/21/2010

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I was in McDonalds last week with my 22 month old and she was talking (baby talk of course) to the lady behind us the whole time.....I stood up and she said OH MY GOODNESS YOUR PREGNANT AGAIN??? I thought it was the rudest comment ever.....Some people have their nerve!!!! My daughter will be 2 in June and my due date for my son is July 20th so they will be 2 yrs apart and guess what IM OK WITH THAT!!!!!

Samantha - posted on 04/20/2010

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me also, but you cant let people judge you, and if they do you cant listen to them!! if you are happy! and you are ready, thats all that matters!!

Corrine - posted on 04/20/2010

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i think its funny that what was ok back when my mum was young, we get criticised for now, my mum had my older sis (31), me (30) than my younger sister (27) and i also have my younger brother (17), so trust me when i say it's you're life and no one else's, tell them that too, and congrats too :)

Adrianna - posted on 04/19/2010

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i woudl just say ignore those who criticize, my mother gave birth to 5 children all 5 years apart, other than last two they were twins, and my sister's girls are less than 18mth apart, my boy will be barley 3years apart i am only 22 i get looks all the time having a 3 yr old and being 5almost 6 mths preg. so it is your life i would be happy with the choice you and ur husband have made

Kristal - posted on 01/13/2010

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it might be an age thing, or the fact that its your 3rd. I get the looks because my daughter is an out of control 1 1/2 year old and I"m 8 months trying to keep up with her, but nobody has actually said anything to me about it except those that I know pretty well.
Im actually kinda surprised at that since I still look like I"m about 21 even thought I"m 27.

Melissa - posted on 01/13/2010

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all the time we wanted a another baby I have two and half yr twin boys and everyone our familys
acts like it's the end of the world or your going have your hands full I have heard we are due in June and hopeing for a girl I try to look past them and enjoy my choose
melissa

Gladys - posted on 01/12/2010

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I often get questions why we are having a third child. We had tons of discussions (mostly with aquaintences and collegues). But we don't get a lot of comment on the street. It's not that usual in the Netherlands.

Shaina - posted on 01/11/2010

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I'm 25 and pregnant with my 4th in 4 years. I get it every time I leave the house. People mutter things under their breath to me all the time and I'm always getting asked if they all have the same dad, as though that has something to do with it. Yes, they are all the children of my husband and they were all planned. Yes, I know what birth control is...if I didn't, there would probably be more babies.

Pam - posted on 01/10/2010

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I'm 25 and am expecting our second little one in March and our kids are 16 months apart. I'm constantly nervous about telling anyone I'm expecting due to the variety reactions I get. Timing between kids is not something that can be perfect for everyone that you speak to. some think kids should be close together others think that they should be far apart, now how far apart they are never able to say but they always seem to have an opinion. Personally my family had 3 years apart my husband's had 18 months. so I'm the one a little nervous but have to remind myself that kids are kids and life is what we make it. although the people that are positive always are a boost cause they are usually people that have had their kids close together. Some of the negativity most likely comes from the fact that most families are small with wide age gaps. so we are unique in wanting large families or children close together. And children close together means you have to spend time with your family and children. Some people can't bear the thought of spending day after day with their kids.

Marcy - posted on 01/09/2010

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I get that quite a bit, especially when people find out I'm expecting twins & my daughter will, at best, be 17 months old when they arrive. There are many benefits to having children closer together. Unfortunately, though, too many others think their opinions are the only correct ones, and they force them on others. Sometimes I have had to just simply walk away from those who won't leave me alone. Occasionally, I have been able to come up with a decent comeback. This is not the best option, but it usually will get my point across, & the person will leave me alone. Best of luck to you...you know what is best for you & your family...no one else does!!! Listen to your heart & head...you will know what to do.

Liz - posted on 01/08/2010

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I am a mother of 19 month old b/g twins, and we are expecting our third child in July. I am 23 and we just recently told our families of our baby. It was not the ideal response, and some people are still giving us crap about it, but all you can do is ignore them. It isn't worth getting upset for, when you have much more important things to worry about, like your well-being, your children's well-being, and your unborn child's well being.

I know it isn't easy, but you also have to keep in mind, it's your life, and despite what others may think, you are doing what you want to do, and happy with it. It doesn't matter what others think.

Kim - posted on 01/08/2010

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I know exactly how you feel. My son is 28 weeks old (roughly 6 1/2 months) and I am 20 weeks pregnant. I couldn't take birth control because i was breast feeding, used a condom and surprise! The attitude I got from some people was absolutely ridiculous. If I proudly announce that I'm pregnant, don't turn around and say "Oh, thats not good" I mean really, whats it anyone elses business. I'm married, have a house and my husband has a good job, so its no one elses business what I do or when. I think you should just ignore the people who say things like that, which is what I did, and if its someone who used to be close to you, then they obviously aren't worth your friendship!

Andriana - posted on 01/08/2010

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EVERYONE has been doing that to me. I can't take birth control for medical reasons, so we use condoms.I know how to operate a friggin condom but everyone insists I did something wrong. Then we find ou we are having twins, now everyone looks at me like I'm insane. Like I friggin planned this. There is almost 3 years between my first 2 kids.I was going to wait at least another 2 before trying again, but karma had other plans, so now I am having twins and they will be here before my youngest son is 11 months old. And sweetie, it has nothing to do with your age, I am 26 going on 27 and had my first when I was 23.

[deleted account]

i am in the same boat im 21 and have a 10 month old and am 3 months prego and starting to show and i get comments all the time and my kid is very well behaved and most of the comments come from parents who either 1 dont have kids or 2 have lots of kids that are dont well behaved in the least.... i like the responsibility and plus my husband is in the army so i like to have a little piece of him running around when hes not here....

Danielle - posted on 01/06/2010

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i am 19 got pregnant at 16 n had logan at 17...got pregnant again 7months ago unmarried 2 different fathers i get looks every day and comments.....lol people are dumb that's all there is to it. i'm quite happy n a lot of the time ppl dont marry the first childs father when theyre 16 anyway. we're talking about getting married and having more kids and i wouldnt change any of it for the world......ive also had ppl assume that i didnt get my diploma and am not going to college...wrong again!!!graduated high school NOT my ged! and going for BS back to school in 1week!!!

Mandy - posted on 01/04/2010

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i get the same stuff..but from family more, which hurts more...i just tell them i love kids and its my life,i'm married and my kids r loved more then u will ever know, so if u dont agree with things i do, look the other way and shut ur lips....

Erin - posted on 01/04/2010

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i would tell ppl 2 mind there own business, im 20 and expecting my 2nd baby in july, my oldest daughter is 14 months old. if it works 4 u and ur happy then thats all that matters, strangers can b rude about it and judge u but at the end of the day, they dont know u or ur situation, goodluck, hope everything goes well 4 u :)

Sarah - posted on 12/16/2009

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I get looks ALL the time. People don't even know I'm pregnant again. My daughter is 19 months, our second baby will be born about 6 weeks after she turns 2. I get looks for just having her, I can't imagine what people will start saying when they can see that I'm expecting #2. I am 23, my husband is 30. We have been married for almost 2 years. I was pregnant with our first when we got married (Catholic Family, big no no) but we were engaged and knew we wanted a family. I am a SAHM, my husband works 60+ hours a week (making plenty of money to cover the mortgage/bills) ... We own a house in the country with 4.5 acres...We are doing everything right as far as we are concerned... I just flash my wedding ring when people give me the looks. They need to get over themselves!

Jenny - posted on 12/16/2009

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I hear where you are coming from and understand also how people are when they see young parents. I'm 23 and am due with my third in Feb. We had our daughter right after I turned 17 and her father was almost 18. My daughter will be 6 in March and my son just turned 2. I don't get a lot of stigma from other people nor have I ever gotten much but I do see the looks that we get especially from the people in the small town we live in but I just ignore it. That's all you can do. I think that as long as you are doing right by your children and taking care of them and your other responsibilities, as I believe you are, then it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. On the other hand tho I do know that there are some parents out there that do need some of the criticism. My younger sister will be 19 in May and has 3 children all under the age of 2....she just had her third at the beginning of November. After having my daughter at 17 all I ever tried to do was keep my sisters from taking the same path, regardless they didn't seem to listen. Now she has her hands full and I can honestly say that I feel sorry for her even tho I am only 4 years older and also have 3 children. I have criticized her before and bugged her about birth control and all of it. But to add to that she doesn't do what is best for her children, her son will be 2 in January and has only had a stable home to live in for a few months at a time and those times were when my sister moved back home to my moms house.
From my perspective it sounds to me like you are doing what you feel is right, and that you are also a great mother. I give you huge kudos for taking in another child that wasn't yours for I have wanted to so many times with my siblings children, we just can't don't have the room and our plates are pretty stacked most of the time. Anyways, just don't sweat the small stuff or what people say, your family is what matters the most.....you are supporting your family, doing the best by your children, and being a great mother! Keep at it!!

Christina - posted on 12/14/2009

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I defintely agree that most people are just completely inconsiderate when they make stupid comments like that. We completely planned to have our children this close for several reasons, just like Stefie said. Most baby products have a safety requirement that only makes them good for 5 years. Why not get the most out of my baby gear and actually be able to reuse items, rather than have to rebuy every time I get pregnant? I was very close in age to my siblings and we were great friends. I want my children to have that same close relationship and really value having siblings...I think more problems come when they are farther apart. Thanks for all your opinions, ladies. It is comforting to know that there are lots of other women out there who do not think its irrational to want to have a growing family early in life. I look forward to being able to spend tons of time with my family while I'm young enough to enjoy all the little things without getting completely exhausted! :)

Angelina - posted on 12/14/2009

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I personally believe that people tend to project their feelings about their own lives onto anyone they view as 'making the mistakes' they did. If you look into the backgrounds of these disapproving women you will probably find out that they either had children young, or had several children and felt overwhelmed. They feel cheated and assume that anyone else in that situation will feel the same way. Also (unfortunately) your age probably does have something to do with it. People see young women with children and assume that we are uneducated or irresponsible (not using birth control). This is not always true but I think we often get labled as welfare moms or a drain on society. I say, don't worry about it. You know who you are and if you are happy with your family then it shouldn't matter what other people think (even though it's hard not to notice).

Wendy - posted on 12/13/2009

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I am 22, and also pregnant with my second, we are about 20weeks along now. Our first, is just about 15months old now. Where I live, I get looks quite often just for having a child (there are A LOT of very young teen mothers in my area, and I look younger than I am). Now when we pass older generations on the street or in a store, we quite often get quite mean looks, and a favorite saying around here is "Babies having babies". Don't let it get to you. It is common to start a family younger these days, and have them closer together. Our pregnancy was planned so that our children would be close in age, so that they could be good friends (god willing) growing up, and have someone to talk to when they won't talk to us. People will always have SOMETHING to say, whether it be good or bad. You get to choose who you listen and pay attention to.

Leann - posted on 12/13/2009

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I am 29 and pregnant with my 2nd. My first is a year old and I get the same looks and rude comments and I'm almost 30! It's like people think ANYBODY having a baby is crazy. I'm happily married and not on welfare or anything, but people look at me like I'm stupid. Drives me nuts! Good luck to you and just smile at the rude ones. You're doing a great thing.

Connie - posted on 12/11/2009

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I completely understand! I have had people tell me that "they're sorry" when they found out I was expecting my 2nd child. I am 25 and my daughter will be almost 3 when my son is born, I don't understand what the big deal is??!! I can't tell you how man people have told me "don't you know what causes that?" I think it is so rude and some of these people have 2+ children themselves!! I don't get it, some people are just way to judgemental and rude.

Andrea - posted on 12/10/2009

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I haven't really gotten looks. My daughter will be 2 months shy of 3 when Masen arrives. But when we were telling everyone that we were expecting I did get one person who straight out told me " CONGRATS..... I GUESS" to me. WTF Who says that to a woman who is so excited to be pregnant and has wanted another for so long? rude

Kirsty - posted on 12/08/2009

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im in the same position but im only 19 , i have 2 girls with a 25 month age gap and now want another my youngest is almost 11 months, i want a 3rd and final and keep getting critised basically because of my age and my fiancee's age he is 22 .
I am still going to go ahead with having another and i will enjoy my pregnancy .
Just because i can , its my life , my kids are healthy and happy , looked after and loved so hey hun dont worry about it , its just their petty idea of "whats right".
take care and god bless!

Medic - posted on 12/08/2009

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some people just want a reason to judge....my son was born 2 weeks before my 21st bday and i had been married since my 18th bday and in the grocery store one mom turned to her teenage daughter and told her see thats why you dont want to have sex you will end up an unwed teenage mother....all i could do was whirl around and tell her that i was 21 been married and she needed to make sure she knew what she was talking about before she opened her big mouth and needed to make sure others children couldnt hear the bs comming out of her mouth.....now im 24 our son is 3 and we are expecting our second and i still get looks.....its really easy to judge others and some people dont care that some of us look young and they just assume we cant support our families. so just blow it off..or if your more like me have a standard retort

Heather - posted on 12/08/2009

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DO NOT WORRY ABOUT IT!! I know that is easier said then done!! I am 25 years old, and have been with mu husband since I was 16. We have four children and I am expecting twin girls in May. I always hear that people feel sorry for me, or that we are crazy! Maybe we are, but we both wanted a big family, we take care of our own kids, and I feel that people need to mind their own business! You did a great thing taking in your older daughter! That is amazing! Kudos to you! I wouldn't let it get to you, and continue to be a great mom! Congrats!

Alexis - posted on 12/07/2009

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hunnie i go threw the same thing everyday!i feel for you..everyones sittuation is different.i'd just ignore them.its your life and your choice..my mother did it and so have plenty of other moms.i say do whatever u are comfortable with and what u feel is right.good luck!

Stefie - posted on 12/07/2009

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I think you are very smart. I am expecting my second in May, my little girl will be 20 months old. We planned it this way! I wanted to have my children before I was 30 (I am already 27). Also, it makes sense for me to SAHM for my children since we are a military family, and paying for daycare for a job you are only keeping for a year or two is silly. We did the math and figured out that if we finish having children before I am 30, then I can actually go back to work and have a career. It makes sense to have children young and close in age. You are saving money because you will have pass downs on hand or children can share toys for the same age group. In addition if you ever choose to go back to work all of your children can be of school age. I think you are very smart. I would totally give mean comments to those who criticize you.

Joley - posted on 12/07/2009

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Everyone seems to have their opinion on your pregnancy! I understand but the only advice I can give you is to state your case to everyone who objects or just ignore them. No one knows your situation better than you, so I would say this is a choice I made and I'm happy with it!

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