dealing with my Tween masturbating

Amanda - posted on 04/29/2009 ( 36 moms have responded )

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We have caught my 11yr old daughter several times masturbating, I have talked to her about several time & it just doesn't seem to help. I know it is a somewhat "natural" thing but I have just never heard of any other girls doing it as often as we have caught her. I don't want to make her feel horrible about herself but I also do not want this to continue, I feel like a horrible parent...please help!!

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Jenny - posted on 12/15/2012

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Perhaps your daughter just needs some privacy while she explores her body, which as you said is a natural thing. If we teach our children early on that their bodies are their own to touch, it enables them to better distinguish a 'good touch' from an unwanted 'bad touch. It's important to let your child know that masturbation is natural, but not acceptable to do it in public. I've had this talk with both my girls at a young age and I really encouraged them to masturbate and come to me with any questions they may have had.

Laura - posted on 07/06/2012

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...UP-DATED REPLY,,,this is Dr.Laura Mornings ND & .LC....not sure what the problem is here,nearly all girls masturbate,not sure what you mean by the word "caught."as most do this where the parents cannot witness it.Of course all kids,male or female have the right to masturbate....we parents must make sure that we do not condemn them, that causes anxiety,guilt and shame and destroys a lot of positive self-concept.~it is indeed normal and natural..not sure why some moms find this surprising,have we forgotten when we were girls?..if there is a problem,...you may at any time,send me PM

Terry - posted on 06/16/2013

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my daughter is 11 and she has masturbated from age 9, It feels good to her and helps to relax her at night. I have caught her many times and now she doesnt get embarrassed about it anymore. I have told her that all normal people do it..even me..lol

Lisa - posted on 08/15/2011

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I appologize if my comment was strong, but your post said it has "only one purpose" and I do not believe as a Christian that even God meant it to be that way (only one purpose). You are posting as if all Christians feel the way you do, and I am simply reminding you that you do not speak for every Christian. You post from THE Christian standpoint, and I respectfully submit that since I am a Christian and I don't believe the exact way that you seem to that you should post from your view as a Chrisian not from THE Christian standpoint. Yes everyone's views are allowed on here, and therefore you shouldn't label yours as the views of every other Christian out there. Respectfully......

Lisa - posted on 08/12/2011

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You are really mis-informed if you think sex has just one purpose!!! It has mutliple purposes. Even from a Christian point of view it doesn't serve just one purpose. It is not only for reproduction, it is also to strenghen the bond between a couple and enrich their relationship. Please don't convey your personal opinions in the name of Christianity. Not unless you check with all of the rest of us first!!

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Vanessa Van - posted on 07/14/2014

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If your daughter is masturbating (very normal ) in the privacy of her own room. Then learn to respect her privacy. Tell her its important to only do this in her own private time and that its not a subjrct of discussion to friends. Give her that girl book NOW. Dont make an issue about it its not demonic.

Apple - posted on 05/02/2014

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To be honest. Most people do the same level of masturbation. Now if she doing it 3 to 5 or more per day than you need to take her to a doctor and deal with issues in her life that can be causing it. Stress, anxiety, family issues, fear, worrying, angry, lack of trust, etc, and etc. Just be sure she not using object that could damage her. Be sure she using hands. Be sure other girls are not victimizing her of sex things. Be sure she not listing to music which she should not, be sure she not watching television show she should not be watching. Be sure you and her husband are spending time with her. Have a family massage night a couple times a week. Wash her hair and dry it for her. Have time to just hold her, give her big huge. There nothing wrong with family sleeping together. Nothing wrong with father or daughter taking showers or mom and daughter taking shower. There is a list of many differ things you can do with her to reduce the masturbation. Be sure her friend are not pushing her into anything she need not to be in. Do you have a son. Is this your only child.

Chloe - posted on 02/10/2014

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Jessica, you could be right. It's not all that rare these days that girls that young are having sex. I was a little older the first time I had sex but after the first time I started masturbating a lot more than I did before.

Amber - posted on 12/24/2013

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What's to deal with? That's what bedrooms are for. Just close the door and let her be. Haven't caught mine yet (not trying to) but suspect they do it. 12 y.o. twin girls. No worries Mom.

Sarah - posted on 08/15/2013

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I did the same with my daughters as Jenny, I think it is good and healthy that they masturbate. You are concerned about how often. Umm... you don't actually say how often, but as your post is four years old, i guess there is no point in me asking.

Toni - posted on 03/07/2013

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Thank you so much Amanda for you comments. You sound exactly like me. I love my baby with all my heart and I know what she dose isn't right, especially at he age, but I don't want her to feel like a freak or an outcast. It even seems to be gettin whorse. She's starting to develop a pattern of severe dryness and burning from it. It really bothers her while she's in school and she's not even 12 years old.

Cass - posted on 12/06/2012

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So what? Give her privacy. If she's doing it in public then that would be the only real issue that needs dealing with. If she's in her room with the door closed, knock first if you don't want to see whats going on in there. There's no shame and no crime in pleasing yourself.

Ben - posted on 12/03/2012

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Im a 15-year old teen and I and other teens have been spankin it since we were like 10 it's all good just teach her some discretion and let her be.

Annabelle - posted on 07/31/2012

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It is totally natural and expected as children grow. At 11 she most likely just knows it feels good and that's it. My sons father had to have this chat with him at about 11 because he wasn't doing it privately but it's still 100% normal. I believe that you shouldn't have the opportunity to catch her because she has some right to privacy doesn't she (ie. you knock before entering her room, etc.). When I taught preschool I saw kids as young as 5 and 6 masturbating and while it was uncomfortable it is true that you aren't supposed to shame them. What's important is to communicate openly with them about private things and remember that if you're embarrassed about it then what are you teaching your kids? You can't stop her from this behavior it's natural - rejoice -- your daughter is "normal" :)

Lori - posted on 07/20/2012

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my daughter is the one who told me not the little girls in class...that woud be strange

Lori - posted on 07/20/2012

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there where 2 girls in my 6th graders math class doing that everyday all class long and she told me and i contacted the school and they call one of the girls parents and they had asked the girl and of orse she said no and i think thats nasty in class! in font of every one and there was a male teacher. He was one of MY tachers and he tought me and my siblings also so he wasnt "cute" or "hot" he was like 58 and the class had like 6 boys ald 23 girls....

Caroline - posted on 07/15/2012

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we've caught my 11yr old son masterbating heaps. it's a normal part of life so were not going to get him in trouble

Eka - posted on 07/09/2012

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it is not bad she is11 11 11 she is half women.just say that you dont whant to see that adn that :"you would not doing this often its bad"

Mel - posted on 07/06/2012

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Leave her alone to enjoy herself ! As you say it is natural and in this day and age let her take some pleasure when she can get some !

Tricia - posted on 12/15/2011

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it is perfectly ok. but!!!! the child should be told it is only to be done in private. and as a parent you need to respect their privacy. i have a 12yr old girl and havent ran into this yet but this is what counselors say. dont shame them. but if they are doing it in public or in front of ppl thats a huge issue

Indya - posted on 10/18/2011

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I agree with Angela. Just because it is normal (which I agree) we as parents have to teach our children self control. I think that you should certainly be respectful of them being in their room or the bathroom but when you are 'catching' your child more times in the week doing this than other very youthful and appropriate activities this is concerning. I guess I am a bit more passionate because I KEEP catching my son and he is 13 and usually in his room but it just seems to be too much. I do think you should have a conversation ( or a few) about masturbating and try to find out (without making her feel self conscious) how often she does this and if there a certain things that bring it on - like boys at school or her peers talking about it etc..

Angela - posted on 08/12/2011

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The one purpose I'm speaking of is that it's only to be shared between a husband & a wife. And everyone's view of things are allowed on here so.....just giving my opinion from the Christian standpoint!

Angela - posted on 08/12/2011

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Yes, those rules ARE in the bible! Also, the devil is right there as soon as a child is born, trying to get his hands on them as early of an age as possible! I never said sex was a dirty thing, it's a beautiful thing created by God Himself to serve only one purpose. And it's up to us as parents whether or not we teach our children to value that and to learn self-control & obedience to God. And yes, if you don't follow His rules then you will be sent to Hell. As I said before...just cause it 'feels' good don't make it right'.

Sian - posted on 08/08/2011

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You know what you are totally blinded by 'religon'. God and religon are two very different things. Religon is man made to put fear into us, to control the 'masses'. God Did not set these 'rules' that we have been told we need to stick to or we will be sent to hell. Think about it logically. God created us, so he created our feelings, urges, desires. They are not wrong, they are there to help us grow as people. What is wrong is to tell kids that these things are wrong and dirty, that is a sure way to screw them up and make them very confused about sex as an adult. I speak from experience!
My daughter is 5 and she has been toutching herself since she was a baby. I will not tell her if is wrong, because its not, it came as an instinct from being a baby to explore her body.

Angela - posted on 08/05/2011

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Has no one posted anything about this from a Christian's view?! It might be a normal feeling but just cause something feels good doesn't mean it's right. Children should be taught to learn to have self-control & to respect the fact that God himself created sex & that He created it ONLY to be shared between husband & wife, not when you're 13 laying in your bed at night. If a child is left alone to just 'go crazy' with this activity then they are far more likely not to be able to control themselves when it comes time for them to start dating because they can get so wrapped up in the feelings & have already been sexually active(with themselves)! The devil uses sex as his MAIN tool in this world to get people to sin. It's very prevelent everywhere, so by the time the child is old enough to date they have been so emmersed in the sexual world, that they think it's 'normal' or ok. Why do you think our world is so full of abortions, teen pregnancy,STD's, & every other bad thing that comes from sex not staying just between a husband & a wife!!!

Mary1959 - posted on 04/16/2011

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i agree it normal
my son and daughter have caught me
we never make a big deal out it

Mary1959 - posted on 04/16/2011

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i agree it normal
my son and daughter have caught me
we never make a big deal out it

Kelly - posted on 10/25/2010

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Catch my kiddos all the time doing it - repeatedly -and, truthfully, they've "caught" me doing it as well. Perfectly natural and, as others have said, no biggie.

[deleted account]

I have a 13 yr old boy and a 10 yr old girl. They know they have privacy in the bathroom and in their bedroom. I know better than to enter without knocking first and waiting for them to say "come in."
Neither one has ever been caught doing that in the general living areas. But if I were to catch them I'd just tell them to go to their room to do that. No biggie.

Carla - posted on 09/18/2010

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i caught my daughter doing it on the couch..after we had the privacy talk...she is 11

Carla - posted on 09/18/2010

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my 11 year old daughter has been caugt masterbating quitea few times. Igave her the privacy talkbut i still caught her on the couch lastweek...what do i do ...i know its natural and all that bu i was wa older when i did

[deleted account]

How did you or whoever it was react when they "caught" her?

Masturbation is totally normal for kids her age. Some girls just like grown women, get more out of mastubation than others. It usually starts when something stimulated their "area" and they realize that it feels good. They start masturbating to try and find that sensation again. I would just talk to her and tell her that is something that she should do in private, if she feels that she needs to do it. Explain to her as another mon said, not to use any objects to masturbate with and to make sure she washed her hands when she is finished. Also, don't tell her that it's not acceptable or inappropriate because it is totally natural. As her mom you should start offering her more privacy. In our home doors are not allowed to be locked but we knock before we enter our daughters room or the bathroom if she is in there.

[deleted account]

As mentioned by another mom, we seem to find boys exploring their bodies a far more acceptable practice. As mom to an 11 year old myself however, I would much rather know that she was learning about her body through self exploration than finding out at a later stage that she was experimenting by allowing others to do the 'exploration'



Some children are naturally more tactile than others, and allowing them the freedom to discover what is or is not comfortable for them can only be of benifit in the long run.

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