I am starting to have alot guilt as mom with chronis pain condtion..i am unable to the mom I was and hurts so bad when my kids ask me do something and I cant. Does anyone else deal with this???

Tracy - posted on 10/22/2009

I am dealing with it now.. and everytime they ask to do something and I cant I want to cry!!! I am in couseling, at 2 different places, and I am still dealing with chronic pain after almost 3 years from the birth of my last baby. I hope it gets better.. I wish you luck!!

Autumn - posted on 10/15/2009

I can totally relate to the guilt I am a mother of a very active 9 year old and 3 year old. It is hard to keep up and I often hear how other mothers do this or that. It is very hard to keep up with the busy mothers at my daughters school so I just gave up trying.

Vicki - posted on 10/11/2009

I used to do so much. I had a garden bigger than my house. I homeschooled for 4 years and we did field trips galore. I made meals from scratch and decorated cakes for friends. Now It takes all I have to go to the grocery store. Years ago I taped a sign up in my bathroom that reads "never look at what you've lost but at what you have left". It is a reminder that although my life is different, it is not over. I am home everyday if my kids are sick and need to stay home. I am always here after school and ready to do homework. I have time to listen to them and their friends. It's amazing how much my kids friends will talk to me if I listen and ask questions. I'm always glad to let the teenagers hang out here on a weekend night because I seldom feel well enough to go anywhere. I'm also blessed with a wonderful husband who takes the kids on outings. They take pictures to bring me home and send me text messages about what they are doing. It isn't fair what has happened to me but you don't always get to pick your challenges in life. My kids will grow up knowing how to do laundry, fix a meal, shop, and clean a bathroom. And hopefully, they will have compassion for others, knowing that you cannot always see other's struggles on the outside.

Brandy - posted on 10/07/2009

I can understand the feeling guilty about not being able to do for your child because you hurt so bad I feel the same way at times but we can not help the way we are I feel GOD has put this on us and he is here with us to help us deal with it is there anyone there to help you with the children when you are hurting so bad so that you can go lay down and take a break do what you can as a mother when you are not hurting and when you do hurt just explain to the child that mommy is hurting or is sick and can't do it right now How old are your children as they get older they will understand alittle more what it mean when you say you can't do something right then please try your hardest not to take it out on yourself that you are unable to do something just think of the good that you have it could be worse just pray to GOD for the good you do have

Christine - posted on 08/27/2009

estella, i always tell my kids that life isn't fair---because it isn't, and trying to make everything"fair" for them is really only doing them a disservice. my dentist told me and interesting story. he has several college age children. one of them lived in an apartment that had a hot tub---with rules. well, some of the students didn't follow the rules, so they hot tub was shut down. a few weeks later, his daughter was walking behind some other girls and heard one of them telling the others that her father was contacting a lawyer about them not being able to use the hot tub. he said that his daughter thanked him for teaching her that life wasn't fair because she had been able to move on past the dissappointment of the hot tub, while this other girl was still dwelling on it weeks later.

i recently read a line in a book that i thought was really good. the book was actually on abuse, but i think the statement works for other things in life, also. the woman had said that part of forgiveness was giving up wishing for the past you didn't have.

we never give up our quests to get well, but i think that we need to try not to dwell on what we can't do and the pain we have and spend time thinking about what we can do and being greatful for the days we might be pain free, or the days we are still able to do things despite the pain.

Estella - posted on 08/27/2009

SO sorry gang I have not been able to be on much y pain been out of control. Now I cannot sleep becauseof it. Being a mom and being in chronic pain is a hard life style . I have been goign thru this for 17 years now. My oldest was 4 when I fell and got inured badly. I think the roughest time is when my ex husband started hysically abusing me even after I landed into the Hospital paralized fromthe fall. But I have found alot of blessings in my life. The hardest thing is to tell your child mommy just cannot do that today. Yes I have cried me a river and been on a ton of meds not only for my pain and nerve damage muscles spasms but, also for the PTSD, Bi-polar, anxiety , OCD which does make it worse with my pain I have a very bad habit even to this day of trying to do to much, At one time I was on 12 different meds and 9 of them just mood stabilizers and anti depressants . But now adays I only on a anti depresant and my meds for pain muscles spasms, xanax to help me sleep oh a new one Trilatel. to try and try the brain to stop recieving all the pain waves. Last month the doctor put me on Baclofen (beware) the side effect I had were so bad I stopped it and was put on Lasix and Potassium for two weeks to bring down the swelling and I have to go to the doc tomorrow to double check and make sure it did not mess with my hear or lungs fluid built up so fast my doc was shocked. my feet blew up so bad i could not wear shoes could not even move my toes. But Honestly I have agreat husband and all my daughters are very protective. Your child / children learn from your experiences if you stay strong they learn that trait from you. Yes It hurts to say no but they do realize it a part of life not fair by no means. I have been fortunate that I have had people aroudn that would take them when i was not able...LAdies I hope I can get on more

Anita - posted on 08/18/2009

my name is Anita.. I have RSD (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy) have had it since 1995, I have a Spinal Chord Stimulator implanted in my back....and believe me I know what you are feeling...I sleep 2 hrs.. a night .. from the pain... I am a christian .. I read my bible and listen to praise and worship tapes... when I hurt... and I also started quilting and scrapbooking.. found out for me if I do something for ME.. THAT I LIKE TO DO.. it gets my mind off of the pain.. some.. my pain never goes away... learning to deal with it is hard.. but you can either give in to it or .. say I a going to deal with it in a different way.. that is what I had to do ... I will be praying for you hon.. my email address is anita1953r@yahoo.com

Anita

Estella - posted on 08/16/2009

Every day since i fell 17 years ago ..The one thing i have learned thru all this is children do bounce back and quickly once theyunderstand this is somethign you cannot help the will try to take of wht you think you cannot do...Wha I have doen and still do is focus on what I can do with the children..I also found talking with my pastor helped me get alot of things off my chest that was eating me up alive... Just do what you can when you can and the children appreciate what you can do and focus on that..There have been day seven now at the last minute we had to cancel our plans because i inso much pain and they understand infact theyusually think up somethign else we can all do together I also a step mom so that was a big deal but those two young ladies have ome along way..The bestthing I can say is focus on the positives and the rest will flal into place

Christine - posted on 08/12/2009

thanks, rachel!

Rachel - posted on 08/12/2009

Christine I pray for you and your kids.

Christine - posted on 08/11/2009

i have twins that are heading to college this fall. i think they will be glad to be leaving. i think they feel somewhat resentfull about things that they have had to do because i am just not on top of things---and, i know i have been pretty difficult to live with because my moods seem to control me---and i never know what mood to expect. i really hate being this way. i hope it is not a resentment that they carry for the rest of their life. my husband tried to explain to them what is going on with me---but it is kind of hard since we don't really know what is going on with me........

Rachel - posted on 08/11/2009

Hi Jeantte please if you can look me on FB Rachel Hales - Silva ..i would love to be a support friend and chat on those hards days .Gentle Hugs and prayers

Rachel - posted on 08/11/2009

Hi Anita ,I have exactly what you have would love to get know and be a support for each other look me on FB if you can. Gentle hugs and prayers Rachel Hales -Silva

Jeanette - posted on 08/10/2009

Rachel, I can totally understand where you are coming from. My daughters were 9 and 11 when I got sick, and before that, I was a very involved, very active mom. When I first got sick, I was in so much pain and so disabled that just getting out of bed or leaving the couch was a huge undertaking.....all of a sudden, I wasn't the mom my girls had known and it was very hard on them. They didn't understand what had happened, and why all of a sudden, their mommy was VERY different. Since they were pretty much old enough to understand to some degree, I was able to give them the basics on what was going on, but kept it simple enough that they didn't get confused. After sort of getting a grip on what was going on with me, I started developing new ways of doing things with them. Quiet time, reading books, talking, doing puzzles, and just listening to their day. I couldn't be actively involved in their activities anymore, but I could still listen and cheer them on....and even on occasion be a spectator. Like others have said, young children with parents who have painful chronic illnesses that can't always be "seen" tend to learn empathy for others. Unfortunately for my girls, they saw and remember the mom from before and after. Now that I have an 8 month old son, in a way, I'm lucky because he won't know me any other way, but will hopefully still learn that same empathy. Please don't let guilt over what you can't do eat away at you. Turn your focus on what you CAN do with them....it's the time you spent with them that they'll remember years from now, not the what. Love can be given and recieved even without the physical activities!

Kat - posted on 08/08/2009

Yes! I want to have fun with my kids, run around in the yard, go swimming... but I can't. I'm lucky if I can go outside just to watch them play for more than a few minutes. And even inside I can't play for long. On really bad days, even their sweet hugs can hurt terribly. I only pray that they understand and don't grow up thinking I don't love them.

Anita - posted on 08/04/2009

I am new here ..my name is Anita

I have RSD (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy and Fibromyalgial) and I would like to be here for any of you .. we all need support.. please email me at

anita1953r@yahoo.com

as I am new to the computor and do not know how to even get back to things.. sorry

anita

Christine - posted on 07/28/2009

i've got this idea---especially for those of us with several children that are still young and impressionalble---somehow, we need to convince them---adn make them think it is their own idea, that they should go into areas like, massage therapy, chiropractic, medical research, dentistry, open minded doctors, etc., etc.....pretty good, huh?LOL!!!LOL!!! then when we are older and falling more apart than we already are, they will be able to take care of us. this is just a joke my husband i make, although one of our kids really does want to be a dentist---and my husband has really bad teeth.

Faith - posted on 07/24/2009

Hi yes I no how you feel I have grandchildren and can not spend the time I would like to with them. IT'S HARD.

Vicki - posted on 07/23/2009

Just be as honest as you can according to their age.Let them learn how to give you a massage.I used to have muscular therapy 3 times a week and she would come to my house and she taught him how to fill in till she could get there. By the time he was 12, he was fantastic.Unforunately he grew up and has a beautiful Japanese wife. So I know longer get massages. If I ask him now, it's just a hit and lick, maybe 3 min. If only families could understand how important that massage is to us, then maybe we could get them to do it more often.

I have asked my dautheer-in-law, she is Japanse too, if she would consider doing me about 1 hour 3 times a week. I will pay them what I used to have the Judy 80.for 55 min.

Lisa - posted on 07/23/2009

i'm a mom of a 13yr old and a 12 yr old and i suffer from the same guilt that everyone else does. they are able to do things for themselfes but they want mom to do do things with them which i can not do most days but if i have a good day i make the most of it and we make sure we do something even if the weather is not the best we have done things as simple as sitting on the porch in the rain and reading to going to the beach on a really good day which are far and few between but i try to make the best out of whatever the day brings guilt can bring you down and yes eat you up so try to be positive and remember we are only given what we can deal with even though most day we all feel like it is more than we can deal with try to keep a smile on your face

Rachel - posted on 07/22/2009

Hi Rebecca...I have learned I have to mourn the wife and mother I was, so that I can release the anger and frustarte I have due to this hrribble disease that robs us of so much.We can still be amazing moms and wifes we just have to do it in other ways...be creative be open and love yourself enough to know it will all be ok...With God on our side he will be our strenght and hope. I am on FB look me uo if you want.I love to be able to caht more and be support to you. Take Care.

Rebecca - posted on 07/22/2009

Hi, I am a mom of three, 18m, 3, and 7. I am dealing with the same guilt. I am actually trying to find an antidepressant that will help me deal w/pain and depression. I feel like the dream I had for my life as a wife and mother has died. Hoping and praying for healing or at least some improvement.

Rachel - posted on 07/13/2009

I as long as you are spending time with she feel your love and you have to learn what you can do with her ..that is only something you and her do. She see that qauilty time you have for her. I have 3 active boyz and haved to find away to stuff while layin down on my sofa ..its not easy and guilt can get too....but you make that time your speacil time it should help.

Margaret - posted on 07/13/2009

....yes that is more computers than people....... :"> but if you saw bruces and my work history you would understand why

Margaret - posted on 07/13/2009

one thing I enjoy doing with my girls which I can do is playing computer games....we have 4 desktops (I still need to unpack 2 of the desktops) and 2 laptops in this household. the girls enjoy making small video clips which we post online for family and friends. and their photos. and they enjoy playing online games with us. the girls share a gaming account the same way they share a computer. they brought their own with their birthday money one year its one which was being thrown out by a company and they got it for $20 and I upgraded it for them so that they could play.

i dont want my kids to be gamers.....its rather a sad existence but I do want them to be familiar with computers which they are....my 5 yo can navigate better than most grandmothers and my 8 can set up a computer ready to run in under 10 minutes.

Misty - posted on 07/13/2009

Oh yes. Mine's only three and I can hardly do anything she wants me to do with her and, of course she doesn't understand, so she thinks I just don't want to play with her. It breaks my heart because a big part of the reason I had her at a young age was so I WOULD be able to have some years that I can play her active games. But I didn't know just how much worse it would get so quickly, did I? Now I'm pregnant with my second child and I already feel bad for him also because I'm sure I'll be bedbound by the time he's big enough to play.

Rachel - posted on 07/11/2009

Yes ..It so hard not to feel guit as parent..even harder when you have no control over how you will feel. I am learning there is alot i can do with my 3 active boyz that doesnt envole me causing myself more pain. I have found while I am layin on sofa...I be able to do alot with them games , crafts, even catch..feel free to loo me u FB and we talk some more . Take Care.

Janie - posted on 06/23/2009

OMG, yes! I have a 10 yr.old son who doesn't really have anyone to play with most of the time. We live in the country and there is only 1 little girl close, she's 5 and not much fun for him to play with. He want's to ride bikes and play catch ( baseball and football),play what he calls tennis and I cann't run around like I use to. I feel very guilty for not being able, like I'm a bad mom. He is a good kid and only want's alittle atention and some one to play with.

Lisa - posted on 06/14/2009

don't all mom feel guilt.about so many things this just adds to ours.i have a son thats mentally challenged and i know that i don't do everything i need to do.my other kids are grown two understand and two dont. my daughters live 6 hours away and don't understand that i can't ride in a car that long. ppl don't understand that sitting is the worst.ppl always trying to get me to sit im like the bed is the best but sitting kills me.so don't feel bad kids want us to spend time with them.my son thats 21 had it the worst cause he was at home when it all started but all his friends knew where i was when they came over so as strange as it sounds everyone hung out in my room cause i was in bed. about/i used to feel bad about not doing the same with last 2 kids as i did with the others.i found out some things they didnt care and other found ways to do short cuts cookie dough instead of homemade.my 21 year old understands better than any1 he and his wife where my main support system before the moved to Germany.thats not to say that there where times he was angry at me,it's hard when ur mom that was so active cant do anythingbut i think it gave him compassion.so don't beat ur self up kids adapt and do well if they know u are there to talk to them.

Margaret - posted on 06/09/2009

you cant do everything they may want to do but they do appreciate you talking the time to talk to them, making the effort to be awake for them. making the effort to be there with them in the mornings and evenings. even if you cant be the parent you were. they notice if you are there and they appreciate it even if you can no longer do all that you did

Claire - posted on 06/08/2009

hi,

my health fall apart after i give birth of yougest daughter, very ill, bedridden a lot for a year, and little better after a year.. still unable to do big active stuff.. i try my best to keep my girls busy, like do crafts, walk to park, something easy to do.

Beth - posted on 06/07/2009

I am not sure if my response posted so I will try again. I was bedridded and my children would lay with me. I couldn't do anything and I felt so helpless and guilty. I had to crawl up the steps about 3 weeks ago and it was then that i gave my life completely to the lord. He brought a product in my life and I just want to share it with everyone I know because I believe in it. Its called vemma and thanks to it I played volleyball for the first time in years yesterday. I am going to make this short but to the point. Please contact me. Please. you owe to yourself to get your life back. trust me you will. It is 60.00 a month and you get your money back if it doesnt work. Please contact me. I feel this is my purpose to help others. beth.jones02@yahoo.com I have tried other drinks in the past so i was skeptical. this is the real deal promise. its mangonsteen and minerals. 2oz a day. thats all . My email is above. please contact me. If i can make a difference in someones life that will make my day

Beth - posted on 06/07/2009

I dealt with it . I would lay in bed and my children would have to lay with me because I couldn't move. I left a testimonial above to someone elses question but I will mention this again. I gave my life to the lord all the way about 3 weeks ago. I crawled upstairs and prayed for the pain to be taken away. it was then a product came into my head that I wasnt sure about because I had tried different things in the past. I figured if the lord made me think of it why not try it. I did. I have to say I have been pain free for 3 weeks now. I played volleyball yesterday and I can play with the kids and be a mom again. My husband is going to start giving testimony too as to how this product has worked and given me my life back. Its 60.00 a month and if it doesnt work for you they give u a full refund. it is a win win situation. I feel as I have said before my purpose is to help others and that is what I want to do. I understand your pain and can only wish you will trust me and contact me about this. Please for your children and yourself just be willing to try. Its called vemma. I have my sister in law on it and she is pain free too. Please contact me at beth.jones02@yahoo.com. I believe in this and this is why I am on here telling everyone about it. It is a miracle and it gave me my life back.

Rachel - posted on 06/01/2009

Thank you too everyone who posted a response. I so appericate the support , love , engourament and prays I get on here. It feels good to know you are not alone. I dont have to sit back and silently suffer..i others out that will listen too me and I can do the same for them..again THANK YOU SO MUCH

Cassie - posted on 05/28/2009

I can definitely relate! I've been suffering with CFS/FM for a little over 2 years now. I have a 9yr old daughter and a 16 yr old son. It's especially hard for my daughter. She's very active, gets bored very easily, and loves to always be on the go. With summer starting, it's going to be hard to keep her entertained. I also feel guilty about not being able to work anymore (I'm an RN), at least part time, to help put my son through college. He graduates next year from high school. It's great to chat with others who understand! Thanks everyone.

Sherri - posted on 05/25/2009

I am always feeling guilty about not doing as much with my 3 year old son and 17 year old step-daughter because of my physical and mental limitations due to a car accident. I get so frustrated that I can't be the mom that I was before the accident and do the things with them that I want to.

Iris - posted on 04/30/2009

I truly understand your position and feelings of inadequacy, I suffer from chronic Spine and, Disc Disease. MY boys and I did a lot of walking and any type of activities that were outdoors. As my ailments progressed my activities became less until we do very little together. Now the children are older and we sit and talk about our experiences together, and you know what, the kids don't even hold me responsible for the lack of togetherness they had to endure, if anything they were happy to have their mother there with them. So all that time I wasted worrying about not being there for them enough of the time was all my mind. What I'm telling you is to enjoy the times you do share, even if its not the way your child wanted at the moment, but you know a substitute for the day will come in handy.As long as you keep it real with them and you tell them why mommy can't go for that walk or ride now is the time for bonding and believe me through a game of monopoly; oh boy!! good luck honey and feel better!!

Mary - posted on 04/29/2009

Hi Aileen, It's nice to meet you. Hopefully we all can share our stories and learn to cope with our issues. Hope you all have a great day tomorrow. G'nite!

Aileen - posted on 04/29/2009

Hi, I'm new here & this is my 1st reply. Just wanted to say that I too can relate. I have two boys ages 5 & 7. If there is something the kids want you to do in particular that you really can't do, you can try letting them know that you would love to do that for them, but right now you can't. Offer options of other things you CAN do & let them choose from those options. Also, let them know that when you feel a bit better you'll try to do whatever it was they wanted initially. I know it's not always that easy but you have to try and be creative and focus on your abilities. I tend to put on a strong front and suck up as much of the pain as I can when I can but it hurts, literally. Just two nights ago I had my own private pity party because I was feeling like such a failure at life. But #1, I try to never let my kids see me that upset and #2, I cry it out then dust myself off and keep going. It's all any of us can do. One positive thing that I can see from all of this is that my children are very empathetic towards others and maybe that wouldn't have been the case otherwise had their own lives not been touched by illness in this way. Stay strong and I will keep you and all the others in this group in my prayers. Take care

Mary - posted on 04/28/2009

I can totally relate to the guilt. I have 3 children ages 27, 24 and 18. My 18 year old is a senior in high school. The last 5 years have been rough for her. She would say that she wished she weren't the only child in the house (due to the other 2 having moved out already). On holidays she would want us to do the same things I did with my older two children. But, unfortunately, I was just too sore or tired to do them. I didn't share with her how physically ill I was and, still really haven't until very recently. It hurt really bad when she would make the comments about how I did things with my older two children but I don't do them anymore. I know she didn't understand and wasn't trying to intentionally hurt me. She just didn't know I was in pain. So, I believe that the comment made to let your children in on your illnesses and how you feel is a good one. I wish I had done that with my youngest years ago so she would have understood that I wanted to do those things, but I physically just couldn't. I thought by keeping the secret about my illness and pain was better at the time. If I could take that decision back, I would. I think I would have felt a lot less guilty because she would have understood more of what I was going through. So, after all this rambling...I think you should share with your children about how you have an illness that prevents you from doing things and that you really would like to be able to do with them, but sometimes you can't (or most, depending on the day). :) Take care.

Connie - posted on 04/27/2009

Hi, my two youngest grandsons are 2 1/2 and 1 year old. They dont sit still long enough to read to them right now, but before too much longer that would work out well. My oldest is 6 years old and that sounds like a good idea for him. Thanks alot.

Christine - posted on 04/27/2009

connie, are you comfortable in a rocker? i always sit in my rocker (i've never been able to hold still) quite often with a heating pad behind my neck and a heating blanket over my legs. maybe you could find a double rocker----i've had a number of them over the years--usually in 70's prints. you could sit with several small grandchildren and read stories or even just watch movies. you could be the "snuggle" grandma when they come to visit.

Connie - posted on 04/27/2009

I have a very similar problem, but my children are grown with young children. I have always dreamed of being the greatest grandmother around. Now, I am unable to babysit or do physical activities with my three grandsons. I feel so ashamed and guilty and feel like I am missing out on so much. I am thankful they have other grandparents that are able to do those things with them, but I want to be sure they know that I love them very much. I guess as they get older they will understand. I keep praying I will wake up one day without pain and full of energy. Thanks for listening everyone.

Christine - posted on 04/27/2009

i feel a lot of guilt over feeling like i am not a very good mother anymore. plus, i have 3 children with celiac disease----and i feel alot of guilt over this, too, even though i know it is not my fault. i just don't seem to have it in me to bake the things we can't buy locally. they would probably love it if they could have cookies that they didn't have to make themselves.

Marie - posted on 04/27/2009

Guilt is something that will eat a person alive, if they let it. Please don't do this, I used to feel so guilty about so many things and let's face it-- when you're feeling guilty, aren't you also getting depressed? You just can't afford to be guilty about things that you cannot change, do the best you can and praise yourself when you have small victories.

Marie - posted on 04/27/2009

I have dealt with this in the past, I was basically bedridden and always on the couch, when my little girl would ask me to take her for a walk or ride bikes, etc. I would always tell her-- maybe later, sweetie, mommie doesn't feel good right now. Later never came and because of this my 11 year old doesn't know how to ride a bike. I have felt so guilty about this for so long. What I did is this-- I would say-let's read a book, put a puzzle together, we also did alot of scrapbooking, watching Disney movies or favorite shows, play boardgames. These are things you can do while in a stationary position and sometimes if there are more than one child, they get so interested in what they are doing, they just go on and want to do these things while you take a break to rest. I would even explain that you are sick and hurting, over and over to them, sometimes if people, children, etc. cannot see the pain9Such as bruises), they don't understand, you just have to find a way of getting through to them and when you do, you will have a very empathetic child who will be very sympathetic to others when they are not well. You see, the sickness isn't the worst thing, something good always comes out of something bad and you can teach others about your personal illness and spend that much needed quality time as well. I hope this helps. I have a 2 year old and an 11 year old and they are both very well rounded and they understand when Mommie can't get up and do things, or why I can only do things for a small period of time. Lots of luck.