Ellen - posted on 12/22/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )
I haven't talked to anyone. Even just reading these posts make me cry. I just lost my sweet baby girl on November 20th. I had been working all day like usual and my husband was home with her. She slept for 4-5 hours at a time and had a funny eating schedule. I got home from work at 9:15 and for some reason, I didn't check on her. I always checked on her when I got off work but I didn't that night. I was upset from a bad day at work and I had 2 sinks full of dishes to do after working a 12 hour day. at about 9:50 I asked my husband when Bella had gone to sleep and he said around 5 so she should be getting up soon to eat. He went in to check on her and started screaming for me to call 911. We tried CPR and the ambulance was there in 5 minutes. She had no pulse. Her heart had stopped and wouldn't start again. We asked how long she had been gone and they said anywhere from 2 hours to half an hour. I wish they wouldn't have told me that. I keep thinking that if only I would have checked on her like usual maybe she would still be here.
She was exactly 3 weeks old. I miss her so much. For the first week or two my 3 year old kept asking "Where's baby Bella?" or "Where'd baby Bella go?" I just ignored her, I couldn't even talk to her about it without breaking down.
The hardest part for me, I was back at work the morning after her death. I had to be strong, that's my job as the acting manager. Whats worse, I work at Sears Portrait Studio, I take pictures of happy little babys all day. All my regular customers who knew I was pregnant keep asking how the babys doing. It's so hard to tell people she's gone. I can't talk about it at all without breaking down. I know that no one expects me to be able to so soon, but I want to be able to.
I just want to go back in time. I know I can't change it, but I wish I would have spent more time with her. The week she died I had put in 65 hours. All I did that week was work and sleep. Plus I was sick so my husband was taking care of her more since he only works part time. I hadn't held her in 2 days...and then she was gone.
Seeing her lying there...pale as a ghost...thats not something anyone should have to go through. I kept waiting for her to wake up....I was even asking her to. I don't think it's fully sunk in yet just because it's Christmas season and I can't afford to take some personal days. I want the pain to go away. But even more, I want my baby in my arms again. It hurts so much knowing it'll take me almost a year to have another one, and part of me doesn't want to have more kids because I'm afraid I'll feel like I'm replacing her.
It's good to know that there is some people who understand what I'm going through. It feels even better getting all of this off my chest.