I just need to get my feelings out

Ellen - posted on 12/22/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I haven't talked to anyone. Even just reading these posts make me cry. I just lost my sweet baby girl on November 20th. I had been working all day like usual and my husband was home with her. She slept for 4-5 hours at a time and had a funny eating schedule. I got home from work at 9:15 and for some reason, I didn't check on her. I always checked on her when I got off work but I didn't that night. I was upset from a bad day at work and I had 2 sinks full of dishes to do after working a 12 hour day. at about 9:50 I asked my husband when Bella had gone to sleep and he said around 5 so she should be getting up soon to eat. He went in to check on her and started screaming for me to call 911. We tried CPR and the ambulance was there in 5 minutes. She had no pulse. Her heart had stopped and wouldn't start again. We asked how long she had been gone and they said anywhere from 2 hours to half an hour. I wish they wouldn't have told me that. I keep thinking that if only I would have checked on her like usual maybe she would still be here.
She was exactly 3 weeks old. I miss her so much. For the first week or two my 3 year old kept asking "Where's baby Bella?" or "Where'd baby Bella go?" I just ignored her, I couldn't even talk to her about it without breaking down.
The hardest part for me, I was back at work the morning after her death. I had to be strong, that's my job as the acting manager. Whats worse, I work at Sears Portrait Studio, I take pictures of happy little babys all day. All my regular customers who knew I was pregnant keep asking how the babys doing. It's so hard to tell people she's gone. I can't talk about it at all without breaking down. I know that no one expects me to be able to so soon, but I want to be able to.
I just want to go back in time. I know I can't change it, but I wish I would have spent more time with her. The week she died I had put in 65 hours. All I did that week was work and sleep. Plus I was sick so my husband was taking care of her more since he only works part time. I hadn't held her in 2 days...and then she was gone.
Seeing her lying there...pale as a ghost...thats not something anyone should have to go through. I kept waiting for her to wake up....I was even asking her to. I don't think it's fully sunk in yet just because it's Christmas season and I can't afford to take some personal days. I want the pain to go away. But even more, I want my baby in my arms again. It hurts so much knowing it'll take me almost a year to have another one, and part of me doesn't want to have more kids because I'm afraid I'll feel like I'm replacing her.
It's good to know that there is some people who understand what I'm going through. It feels even better getting all of this off my chest.

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Anita - posted on 12/28/2009

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I know from experience that the pain does get easier to handle, not sure if that is because you just get used to it being there or what. We lost our son Brandon to SIDS in 1988 on the 29th of Dec, so his Angel day is coming up and that is always a difficult day for me. I remember that after we lost him, I went back to work right away too and didn't really take time for myself. I thought that keeping busy would help me forget about all the emotions and emptiness that I felt. To this day, I look at boys who would be near his age and wonder what he would have been like. He was 8 weeks old and I didn't feel that we were given enough time with him.

I do know that you cannot beat yourself up over what you should or shouldn't have done. I have been told by many doctors and medical professionals who have been researching SIDS for years that unless you had been there at that exact moment, there isn't anything that you can do to stop it from occurring. I have been a member of the National SIDS alliance for over 20 years and read just about every article that has come out.
I too have regrets that I didn't spend the kind of time with him that I wished I had. But on the other hand, do I know he loved me...absolutely. Do I know that he will always be there in my heart and the memories that I do have can never be taken away from me...definitely.
Our daughter Cassie, was 21 months old when all this occurred. It was difficult trying to come up with ways for her to understand where her little brother went to. I remember going to the mall and she would see babies in the store, and go running up to other peoples strollers to see if that was him in there. It took a long time to get to the point where I could talk about him to others. But I have found that talking about him, keeps his memory alive.
I did get pregnant about 6 months after loosing Brandon, and was concerned that people would think I was trying to replace him. And sometimes even in my heart I tried to figure out how to be happy about the new baby...without forgetting about all we had been through and missing him. When our daughter Ashley was born, I realized that she was not Brandon. She had her own needs and still needed me to be there for her as much as he had. I watched her breath while she slept for months. She was born with some complications of her own, but that is an entirely different situation/story. We lost her to complications of pneumonia on March 5th 2006. She had just celebrated her 16th birthday.
My angels are with me each and every day, every moment of the day. They are in my heart, pictures still adorn my home, my wallet and even my keychain. When people ask how many children I have, I tell them 3. Cassie and 2 angels watching over me. I have learned that talking about my kids makes me feel better. Sometimes I think others may be a little uncomfortable, and not sure what to say. But it is the best way to deal with the emptiness that I have. It is my way of keeping them alive.
We are fortunate to have great family and friends who also have helped us keep thier memories alive by telling stories or just listening to me talk.
Please know that you are not alone and there are people who feel pain and have gone through the feeling of emptiness that you are trying to work through. Don't be afraid to take some time for yourself. Do what you need to do for you and your family. And definitely don't forget to lean on friends and family when you need that also.
God Bless and I know that Bella, Ashley and Brandon are all watching over us and creating a place in heaven for us to join them again...someday.

Juliana - posted on 12/27/2009

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Hi Ellen,

I know the pain you are going through. I lost my baby girl on Dec 2nd. I remember that day vividly. It was a Tues and I was tired. I work 20-40 hrs a week. My husband is laid off for the winter. I had the night off from dealing black jack but because it was close to Christmas, I called in to get more hours. I left for work about 9pm. I dont even know if I told her I loved her before I left. My husband put her to bed shortly after that. I had the chance to get off early and I turned it down. When I came home I went to my room to pick her up and put her into her crib. She always slept in our bed till I got home since she was a light sleeper and our 3 yr old would wake her up. When I went into the room and picked her up, she didnt move. I turned on the light and I remember screaming and calling 911. I tried to do CPR and it wasnt working. The ambulance was there within min and took her to the hospital. The worst part is she was still warm. I only missed her by maybe 10 min. I have had a sever amount of anxiety expecially at night. I was already an overprotective mom n now I wake up a couple of times a night to check on our 6 yr old and 3 yr old. I went back to work exactly a week later. Nothing has been the same nor will it be the same. If you want or need someone to talk to, I am here. I find talking seems to help. I hope your Christmas was as good as it could be and a Happy NEW Year. Take care and may God be with you!

Juliana

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