Does anyone else have in-laws providing childcare?

Azwa - posted on 01/29/2013

Hi everyone,

I don't know how my post would fit into this as I'm not a parent yet, I'm just 8 weeks pregnant. I would like to share with everyone about what happened last weekend and have your thoughts on it as it really upset me. Like I said, I'm just 8 weeks along. And already my MIL has said that she wants us to send the baby over to her while we're at work. I highly disagree for the following reasons:
1. Her place is about 15- 20mins away by car. My husband doesn't have a car, he rides a bike to work and I work shifts. I want my husband to be able to pick up our baby after his office hours so they can have some bonding time before I get home. So reasonably, childcare has to be within walking distance from our home so he can easily pick the baby up. Our current home has 3 daycares just a block away and admittedly, that is why I chose that house in the first place.

2. His parents don't speak English. His mother finds it incredible that my house is filled with English books. My mother speaks English to me my whole life and even taught me to read and write in English way before I entered kindergarten. I want my child to have the same experience and advantage later on in life. Unfortunately, my mom is still working and is unable to care for the baby during working hours.

3. His mom is still caring for his 2 year old brother and a few younger children. Yes, his youngest brother is just 2 years old. He is still breastfeeding. And he loud, raucous and rough with other children. He once bit a child who was sent to my MIL for daycare! She says he's older now and is behaving better but I do not see any difference.

4. There are many things that my MIL says or do that I do not agree with but I haven't said much because it doesn't concern me. But I think this just goes to show that we do not think at the same level and I can imagine all the parenting decisions I would disagree with and I don't know how to get across my disagreements and frustrations if there were to be any.

I know it's way too soon to be worried about this but I am. Me and my husband even got into a heated argument over this as he thinks I hate his family. I do not. There are just many things I do not agree with his family, particularly his mother. I've been very careful to avoid the word "hate" as I think it is too strong. Oh did I mention that she even considered marrying off his 18 year old sister? You can imagine how I felt about that. While sending our baby to her can save us a fortune, I'm just thinking if it will be worth it. I am especially discouraged by the fact that my husband can't pick the baby up after work. Please let me know what you think and how I should handle this. She insisted I send the baby over. Her exact words were "I'm not letting you send off my grandchild to some stranger. You're going to send the baby to me". She even started calculating our expenses. Please help.

NALANI - posted on 05/06/2010

We do and it has saved us thousands!!! My husband and I are both teachers.

Eileen - posted on 05/05/2010

MY in laws watch my younger son and my older one was in day care. I know what you mean. I write everything out for them and they still do whatever they want. I still feel that the baby is better off with them receiving one on one attention than he would be in day care (where workers contantly change and your directions still aren't followed anyway.) I also found that things that drove me bonkers with my first don't bother me at all with the second. No matter how many sweets a baby gets or how many naps he misses, I think he's still better off bonding with family than competing with other babies for attention in a nursery.

Carmel - posted on 05/04/2010

Yes, you should and probably are but I think the important thing is to talk about things and also be respectful but say how you feel. If you don't what something a certain way then hey express yourself but remember to pick your battles they are the grandparents and in the long run this is a valuable time for your little one. My son just lost his grandpa who he spent his days with since he was born and the connection was valuable he remembers so much that his grandpa taught him. So, think about the relationship that will be changed if you take them because of a little difference and also have your spouse talk to them they are their his parents. Good luck remember they love her so much just like you do. Pray and ask God for guidance.

Linda - posted on 05/03/2010

My sons are 4 and a half and two and my mother-in-law watches them one day a week. I totally sympathise. For all my mother-in-law is lovely and would do anything for us, I aways find it hard coming home from work on a day that she is there. Examples, good jackets used for playing, house in a state, her doing my washing (including my knickers), the list goes on. However, if the boys were in nursery that day it would cost me an extra £300+ per month. Grin and bear it.

Gretchen - posted on 04/28/2010

My in-laws don't watch my daughter, but my cousin does. She has an in home daycare. And yes, you are fortunate. I know that my cousin LOVES my daughter and treats her that way. Sure, there are things that I would change but then I think, what if she were with a stranger??? I would probably find problems ANY place I take her. Heck, even when I leave her with my husband I get annoyed! You are nit-picking but that is part of motherhood :)

Marissa - posted on 04/28/2010

its the same with me and my grnadmother- my daughter's great-grandmother. She watched her during the day, but now my daughter goes to "school," or daycare. I was tired of picking my daughter up in the p.m. and all I could get for a report was "She ate some cookies for lunch," despite the fact I would spend a hundred dollars on things for her to eat while she was there. And there was no telling her anything. Daycare is much more convenient for us, and she gets to interact with other children her age. Her development since she began has dramatically increased!

Wendy - posted on 04/27/2010

While I am a stay at home mom, I was taken care of by my grandmother while I was a kid. I also have a mom that wants to take my kids for a week at a time. We have totally different parenting styles, even when she's here she "butts" in a lot. She says she's just trying to help but it does make the stress a bit worse. I just tell the kids that there are sometimes 2 sets of rules "grandma rules" and "our rules". I know that your daughter is just a little thing but... Maybe you can set up some rules so that your MIL would know what you are thinking about parenting? Tell her that she raised such a wonderful son and that you were wondering if you could get her input? (flattery will get you everywhere sometimes!) Stick to your guns on health issues and disipline but also pick your battles. My grandsons are learning what's ok at their house isn't always ok at the other grandma's house. (jumping off the couch! scared her and me half to death when the 1st one did it at 10 months old!)

Jessica - posted on 04/24/2010

hang in there, the thoughts have passed in my mind and i think how fortunate i really am i know she is with one that truelly loves her and wow the things she picks up on. We are on 14 out of 15 months minus last summer, she talks all the time and is always learning something new.

Mandy - posted on 04/24/2010

I feel like I have to respond to your post, since I know exactly what you are dealing with. My daughter is 2 1/2 now, and since she was a few weeks old my mother-in-law has been watching her while I'm in school and at work. We decided on this because we can't afford other options and I really liked the idea of her bonding with grandparents if she was going to be with someone else. A lot of people tell us that we should be grateful because of how much it is helping us, and we really are, but that doesn't get rid of the frustrations that can go along with it. Situations with family can often be awkward when you don't agree. We have tried to head off any issue by giving guidelines on what we want ahead of time, but this doesn't always work and we can't think of everything. I'm not sure I can give you the perfect advice, but I can try to help. You definitely have to choose your battles overall. If something is really bothering you, I find it is best if you have a clear reason before discussing it. Right now I am frustrated because they sometimes feed my daughter more sweets than I would. In general, just try to think about how the issue will affect your child in the long run and her behaviors at home and decide if it is worth discussing. I'm beginning to really realize that I can't control everything my daughter encounters and I have to try to let go of some of that control sometimes. That said, at 7 months, you can be much more specific about stuff than I can. At that age, I made up eating and sleeping schedules and just discussing what you allow and are ok with at your home in passing will allow your inlaws to know what your ideas are and help them try to match your parenting. Good Luck.