Is it too much to take away privileges at home, if she receives time out at school for being noisy?

Michelle - posted on 03/01/2010 ( 23 moms have responded )

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My daughter received two time-outs recently. One was two weeks ago for "stomping in the classroom... mama, I was pwaying in a band." The other was last week for "making another child laugh during nap time and still laughing when told to be quiet." She lost her video privilege on the first time out because it was during lesson time. She lost her privilege of sleeping with mommy on the weekend for the second time out because it was during nap time.

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Don't take away family fun time...use toys or priviledges.



But DO make sure you listen to your child and ensure them that you understand their feelings and point of view, even if they were wrong. You will understand their thinking and then probably find it easier to teach them right from wrong.



I find it effective to help the child create an apology for the teacher or person they hurt so the child takes the responsiblity for their actions. Try using the format of:

I am sorry I...

In the future I will...

Can I do something to make your day better? (ie play with you at recess, help you clean up)

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23 Comments

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Michelle - posted on 12/23/2011

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Having a son myself I have to remember children need time to be noisy. When he was younger I tried to keep him quiet all the time. Then I told him if you are quiet at school, you will be able to be noisy at home. Time at home to be purposefully noisy has helped. Also he is growing older now, he is six, and recognizes when to be noisy.

Leanna - posted on 12/19/2011

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She can practice with her marching band at music time or you can take her to Gymboree anytime.

Lori - posted on 04/28/2010

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ok..so I'm a bit "old school" in that I believe in following up at home with an appropriate consequence for misbehaving at school. Now, that may be a discussion about what happened or some sort of other consequence depending on what the child did. But I believe that many of the behavior issues we see in kids at school today are due to the fact that parents do not follow up with the discipline at home. Why should they listen to the teacher if they know that mom and dad are not going to do anything about it when they get home? I see this attitude everyday at my school. Too many parents with the "they are your problem at school" attitude. My own kids are reprimanded at home if they get in trouble at school. The consequence depend on the offense, but they know that they will have to face us when they get home and explain themselves and their behavior choices at school.

Tanya - posted on 04/27/2010

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As teachers I think we hold high expectations for our children in the classroom. That is okay as long as it is reasonable. I would vote yes...if the timeouts at school are not working and you've had a chance to process it with your child and the teacher and there is an understanding (your daughters) that there will be a loss of privilege at home if she behaves a certain way at school! Man I wish more of my students parents built that bridge...knowing that your teacher and parent are on the same page...pretty powerful stuff!!!!!

Andrea - posted on 04/22/2010

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How old is your daughter? If she is in preschool or rather young then I believe that her stomping her foot because she was in a band should not be punished? Aren't young children supposed to use their imagination? The laughing during nap time, how long had she been lying on her cot? does she normal nap? If she doesn't then maybe you could recommend to the teacher that she has a book to look at instead of disturbing the other students, or even putting her in an area where she cannot disrupt nap time. I teach Pre-K these are some things that I do in my class and have recommended to my daughters preschool teachers. I also have let people know that I encourage my daughter to stomp her foot when she is angry and then she calms down so she can talk to me about what is making her so angry and how can we fix it.

Haley - posted on 04/21/2010

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It seems as though she is just being a child. I think that it is good to show that you and the teacher have an alliance of sorts, but i would make sure that it was not just normal child stuff.

Kylie - posted on 03/28/2010

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My advice would be to discuss what happened during the day so your child knows that you are aware of what happens during the day even though you're not there - let her know that you agree with the carers that she did the wrong thing, ask her what she should have done/could have done instead (praise her for positive suggestions) and then leave it at that - it's not fair to double discipline a child. I'm sure there are enough things to worry about during her at home time without adding to these with her preschool behaviours as well.
I also agree with Sally - laughing at nap time isn't really a huge thing. Praising the children who are doing the right thing and maybe seperating the kids who are laughing would be enough. Time out should be seen as a last thing (except of course for violent behaviour). Kids hate being ignored and seperated from what's going on so even though to us it may not seem big - to a child, especially a young child, time out is huge.

Sally - posted on 03/25/2010

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From what I've seen of the responses here, I'm rather appalled by the overreaction. This is a preschooler, not a teenager. She sounds like a very bright, creative child. These are not major offenses that need to be "punished". As someone who spent over 20 yrs working with 2 and 3 yr olds, I would say that neither of these behaviors even deserved a "time out" from the teacher.

The stomping in the classroom is no big deal. All that was necessary from the teacher was perhaps a little talk to find out why the child was stomping. She was pretending to be in a marching band. What a wonderful opportunity for the teacher to bring out some musical instruments and let the whole class play marching band. Follow the lead of the students and they will learn much more.

The laughing at naptime is such a typical reaction for a child who is not sleepy and just doesn't need to sleep as much as the other children. Again, the teacher only needed to speak to the child and explain that some of the children really needed to take a nap and then move the child to a place that was less distracting to the ones who would sleep. Preschool furniture moves for a reason. Book cases and toy racks can be moved around so that the non-sleeping child can be out of sight of the others. Give her some books or a stuffed animal. Set the limits that she needs to be quiet and has to stay on her cot. If she can't see the other children and they can't see her, problem solved.

Save the time outs for more serious things like hitting, taking things from others, etc. Lighten up. Punishment for such minor things will have this child hating school before she really gets started.

Ivonne - posted on 03/25/2010

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I took pictures of my child doing the right thing. So maybe taking a picture of her taking a nap and not disturbing or doing anthing then falling asleep. Then maybe taking a picture of her practicing with her marching band at an appropriate time. Or taking a picture of her paying attention when she is suppose to and then posting them up for her to see can do it. Then there is role playing what is suppose to be done in certain situations one a day until she gets the idea before she goes to school. This may help. If anything know my children grew up and learned what to do to survive in school. ;-D I started taking priviledges away at home when they were older.

Maggie - posted on 03/22/2010

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I think the punishment was done at the proper time. Of course you could tell her you are disappointed on the way she acted at school. When she's at school, she must follow the rules. Another thing, is tell her the next time she gets into trouble, she will lose (something you choose) at home. They will learn from this! I'm a mother of 2 sons, now 25 and 27. My younger son had a time out in 5th grade for stomping on a boy in class because the other boy was bugging him. He never did it again, he asked to be moved, he;s a pilot in the Air Force. It didn't ruin him
. I work in an Elementary school and when a child laughs at something and told to stop it disturbs the others, that;s why she received a time out. The should show respect for that teacher. If she got away with it, then the others would start.....think about that! (^^) Sounds like you have a pretty great child!

Sally - posted on 03/18/2010

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The instances you mention don't seem all that bad. If the teacher gave a time out that should be consequence enough. I would say to talk with her and maybe explain that when she "breaks the rules" at school, she will have consequences AT SCHOOL. Talk about how there are times when it's ok to do some things and not ok at other times. She sounds very creative to me. You may want to speak with the teacher and discuss what her expectations are. As for the laughing at nap time, well not all children need to sleep during nap time and once the giggles start it can be VERY hard to stop them. When I was teaching 2 and 3 yr olds, I often had a child who just couldn't sleep...didn't need to sleep... again, I'd say talk to the teacher. Can she place your child in an isolated spot and let her have some books or quiet toys to occupy her at nap time? Also speak to your child and let her know that she needs to be quiet at nap time because some of children really need to sleep and it's not fair to disturb them. There is really no need to punish your child at home for things that have been dealt with at school. Discussion, yes. Additional consequences, no.

Julia - posted on 03/06/2010

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My own children are adults now (26, 23, and 20) and I've worked with children for about 20 years. I agree with several of the suggestions posted here: "let the punishment fit the crime", which goes hand-in-hand with "pick your battles"; give LOTS of positive praise and ignore the really minor offenses; don't "over-punish" if they have handled it at school, BUT for a serious offense, either talk about it with your child ASAP after you find out about it, or add an additional, appropriate punishment; don't link punishment with family time/mom time/dad time (instead take away TV privileges or a favorite toy). But I also think it's important to talk to her teacher(s), find out what is going on, if they have any other concerns, etc. And let them know that you WANT to work with them to resolve the problem! (If you disagree with what they are saying, schedule a meeting to talk about it.) As a preschool teacher, there is nothing worse than parents who don't listen to what you are saying, think that THEY and THEY ALONE know what is best for their child and that their child can do no wrong, and they actually RESENT you for trying to help their child! I wish ALL parents knew that most preschool teachers do their jobs because of LOVE and not for the (meager) paycheck!!! (Most of the parents of my students make AT LEAST 3-4 times what I make.) Good luck!!!

Elly - posted on 03/06/2010

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I also punish at home for school behavior. My kids are older then yours but even when they were in pre-school I did the same.
They both now know that if they are bad at school they are in trouble at home too. It has helped with some of their behavior at school. My son has even said that he didn't do something because he knew "I'd get him at home".

I think as long as the punishment is equal to the problem you'll be fine.
Good luck

Rosa - posted on 03/06/2010

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I teach high school and have grade school aged children of my own. I think it is very important for families to follow-up and reinforce what happens in school. As a teacher of older students I can distinctly tell which families have supported the school process and which have not.

My children now in 1st and 3rd grade know clearly that if they get in trouble at school they will have a consequence at home. Now that said we mean trouble as in a write-up. Their school gives "Think Sheets" for behavioral issues, if they get one of these they have a consequence, if it is not severe enough for the school send a "Think Sheet" on I feel that they have handled it and I do not follow-up except to the extent the individual child needs me to. They also get "ROAR" slips with are "attaboys" for the kids, we collect those and put them on the fridge, then go for ice cream when they get 10 of them or some other appropriate reward.

Also when I have a problem with the school or teacher I do not make it my child's problem. I keep my comments and thoughts to myself and my husband then we talk with the principal or teacher as appropriate. The teacher spends 6 hours a day with my child and I want this relationship to be the best it can be even if I don't agree with everything the teacher does.

Pamela - posted on 03/04/2010

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I agree with that the "offences" were miner and normal for most children at any age, but re enforcing what the school has done by when they tell you about it at school you back them up by telling your little girl - that's not ok because....... on the same day the school tells you eg in the car on the way home.
If it get's worse, and the school feels you need to follow up at home then by all means do but not for the little things.
Focus instead on the good things like if she was good all day at school then when you pick her up you both get an ice cream or she can help you cook dinner and if she does the wrong thing then nothing no extra just the normal routine - make a big deal out of good not bad.
Good luck!

Sally - posted on 03/04/2010

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Come on! Look at her "offences!" She's just being a kid! Do we want our kids to be individuals with personalities and the confidence to express themselves, or do we want them to be robots who can't even laugh without permission?!? It was dealt with at school, her teacher let her know it wasn't appropriate for her to do what she did, so let it go!!!

Michelle, can I ask how old your daughter is?

Christine - posted on 03/03/2010

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I teach older students and see long term results of parents who rely on teachers for discipline without follow-up at home. Speaking as a teacher and parent of older teens, I believe there should be consequences and rewards at home for school behavior. Act out situations where she could have made better choices or set up a sticker calendar and mark good days, putting a frown face or something when there is a problem. Set goals for the number of positive marks & give a reward. Good luck! It's nice to hear from concerned, involved moms.

Sally - posted on 03/03/2010

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It's not like she's doing anything really bad! I'm a preschool teacher and as far as I'm concerned, stomping in class and having a bit of a laugh are hardly major offences! I wouldn't even say she's testing boundaries - she's being a totally normal child (who sounds quite happy and secure)!!!

I definitely wouldn't recommend punishing her at home; and if you do, please don't make it a removal of time with you. That will give her totally the wrong message.

I think you could talk with her about what's happening at school, and keep in contact with her teacher, but let school problems be dealt with at school (unless they become major eg if she starts becoming destructive, really disruptive or aggressive), just like you wouldn't expect her to be punished at school for something that happened at home.

Viv - posted on 03/02/2010

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Hi, I'm a Techers Assistant with both parents who are teachers. I firmly believe that for the time being your daughter should not be punished at home for something that has already been dealt with at school. If the problems keep occuring, talk to the teacher and see what is happening at school, there may be others issues going on which are making her 'act out'. Have fun:)

Marylee - posted on 03/02/2010

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It just depends on what battle you want to fight. If she's gettin reprimended at school then she shouldn't at home, unless the situation is getting worse rather than better. She is learning her social education aswell. I personally dont recommend giving any kind of personal restrictions ex, taking away special family times..life's too short for that and that will i m o feel like she's restricted from family time, those are cherished moments that you don't get back :)

Carrie - posted on 03/01/2010

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p.s. If she is getting a consequence out of the home, don't "re-punish" but do discuss why her actions were inappropriate in class.

Carrie - posted on 03/01/2010

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It sounds like she's testing her boundaries. Be firm in letting her know (after 2 warnings) that she will have a consequence for her inappropriate actions. Then stick to your promise. However, don't forget to watch for her doing something good so that you can praise her to the moon. Make sure it's genuine (ie: "Wow! Mommy is really proud of you for picking up all of your toys with very little help!" etc.). She is attention seeking--help her to seek positive attention. Good luck! It's a challenge for me with 2 young ones of my own, plus teenagers in the classroom!

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