how do explain to your kid about an absent parent

Jessica - posted on 05/16/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

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ok i was married to her father as soon as he found out i was pregnant he started cheating on me and left me for another women when we were going through divorce he was physically and mentally abusive to me. when we got divorced it was court ordered for him to see her. he has stil yet to see her but i am afraid if he does he is gonna hurt her they are monitored visits but i still do not trust him. but she is asking me why is daddy not around. i have no idea how to explain to her he wants nothing to do with her he just lied in the courts to get the vistation rights which he does not even use. it upsets me he wants nothing to do with her because she is absolutely beautiful and amazing but glad he does not have anything to do with her because i fear for her and mine life. what do i do

2 Comments

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Laura - posted on 05/17/2009

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hi, I am in a similar situation, my ex dragged me through court for 2 years, the result being he had to do an anti-violence course before he can see the children (I have 2 with him, ages nrly 7 and 5) and he could have indirect contact, letters cards etc. This he has never used since breaking up with his girlfriend at the time, I try to be as honest as possible with the children, without making them feel rejected, saying that daddys been a bit silly and a very important man and lady (the judges) says he has to go to school to stop being silly before he can see them as he will upset them, but he loves them very much and thinks about them alot. I have also said that I am happy with that decision as my job is to protect them from getting upset, but when they are older, they can look for him. I don't know how old your daughter is, but when mine were younger they just decided that daddy lived too far away, and they were happy with that. At the end of the day, it's his loss and don't let it upset you 2 much as he's not worth it. Good luck

Catrina - posted on 05/16/2009

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this is a complicated situation...all I'd suggest doing is explaining what you can for yourself. It's not a bad thing to tell your child "You know what? I'm not sure, I'm just as confused as you are." I know the fear part....had that ever since my son's father told me if I ever left he'd kill me & our son. It wasn't until he actually took his own life did my fears end....



If there is a court order in place, check on your family court system and see what the length of time is that they require to be missed before rights are terminated. Supervised visitations are already showing enough instability on his part. Be ready when that time expires, to take action.



Who knows, in 5 years he could come to his senses and realize just how horrible he was and change to be a completely different person. It would be hard for you to see that change and trust it -- but be prepared for anything! I know my husband is NOT the man/husband he was to his ex-wife. By far, they BOTH are completely different people. It's a positive change for them both......



Again...speak what you know - facts. Limit the exposure of details until later in life, if it even has to get to that point. Who knows, 5 years down the road you could be remarried and bio-dad could be outta the picture. Think positive!! Keep your head up!

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