Hubby loves himself too much...

Claire - posted on 03/22/2009 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but since we've brown in debt together, and I've been mostly supporting ourselves and our daughter(since his unemployment ran out it's been totally up to me), for the last year, it's been increasingly harder to keep up with household expenses, and debt repayments. He has found some work shovelling snow, although that's very part time, and will be running out soon, he has helped with a couple hundred dollars here and there.



The problem is that he spends the money he earns on things he misses, like his alcohol, motorcyle, and other items that reminds him of the bachelor life that he is desperately to keep alive. Also, he'll tell vendors of these items (when he can) that he'll pay them for these things when I get paid, so then we're continually and increasingly mounting more debt to our bank and our utilities.



He gets very loud and angry when I point out this problem, and won't listen to reason. I've even left, and spent a night in the women's shelter with our daughter to show him how much I disapprove of his financial abuse. He also refuses to attend any sort of marriage or debt counselling. Otherwise, he's a great father and a great guy...



I'm at my wits end...when should I say enough is enough? What are my options? I can't kick him out, and I can't leave.

17 Comments

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Vanessa - posted on 05/08/2009

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Quoting corinne:

I sometimes want to pack my bags and leave with my kids. i live in an apartment with my boyfriend so that would mean we go back to my mothers. but he only cares about himself...he acts just like a child. im not a fan of his mom and hes got her personality so bad it makes me sick. he dosent listen and hes stubborn and spoiled! i tell him all the time we have to pay our bills ontime! and its just in one ear and out the other. we both work him during the day while i have the kids and me at night and he has the kids. i pretty much tell him to just worry about the rent..i pay for grocerys,the electric and the cable. and all the other bills get paid except his half..the rent (most important) we' ve already recieved 3 notices saying they could possibly kick us out. but he would rather spend his money on going out with the guys...he gets take-out like every night even if i cook! he buys 40 dollor darts when he barley plays. he got a 60$ bottle of alcohol one time when we didnt have any food in the house and i wasent working. and all this stuff he gets for himself...xmas i got nothing...valentines nothing...my birthday that just passed ..nothing not even a dollar card. his mom got at least a card on vday and her birthday tho! he makes sure he has the money when it comes to him and his mom and grandmother...but when it comes to the girl hes suppose to marry he says im broke! Part of me thinks he just dosent care about me or how i feel ...and this is y im writing this..i dont have much friends because they dont have children..and i can never talk to him because if its about money,or his mom,or anything that bothers me he just flips out and tells me im rediculous! theres only so much a mother and a wife or girlfriend can take before they just know enough is enough. theres always someone betta out there somewhere who wont be so selfish!


i really feel for you sweetie.. specially not getting anything for b'day's mother'day my god.. when it's his turn don't buy anything  see how he like's it.. and well if he aint paying rent why don't you ditch the cable and other luxuries pay the rent yourself and show that he is not letting you lose things such as a roof over your heads and as i said just before be cruel to be kind and that excactly what women need to do these days... i'm very lucky as i handle all money bills so forth.. and i don't work at the moment, i get to go shopping when i like not once my partner buys things for himself, you girls need to make a stand if not for you the kids what is the use of having one selfish parent, not being mean so i'm sorry if it comes out wrong'  i hope you all the best and i do hope things get better and easier for you girls xx

Vanessa - posted on 05/08/2009

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if i were you i wouldn't buy a single thing foor him, if he only thinks of things for himself then let him... just buy things for you and your daughter, your own food drinks clothes make it know that you can do it too... whenever he wants money just strickly say NO you need it fo you and your daughter, whatever bills are in his name just leave it, show him that 2 can play the game.. make his ass get out and get a real job that is continueous not just on and off, you have to be cruel to be kind sweetie and oviously he aint listening to you so put it into action... best of luck..xx

Natalie - posted on 05/08/2009

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Hi,

I don't mean to be rude, but you say your husband is a great guy and a great father, but is he really ? why is he making you feel so cr*p, and basically dragging you down financially as a family. His behaviour sounds outrageous, you however sounds like a mature and loving mother who wants the best for her child, don't let this man drag you down to far before you say enough is enough. I wish you so much luck, be strong !

Corinne - posted on 03/24/2009

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I sometimes want to pack my bags and leave with my kids. i live in an apartment with my boyfriend so that would mean we go back to my mothers. but he only cares about himself...he acts just like a child. im not a fan of his mom and hes got her personality so bad it makes me sick. he dosent listen and hes stubborn and spoiled! i tell him all the time we have to pay our bills ontime! and its just in one ear and out the other. we both work him during the day while i have the kids and me at night and he has the kids. i pretty much tell him to just worry about the rent..i pay for grocerys,the electric and the cable. and all the other bills get paid except his half..the rent (most important) we' ve already recieved 3 notices saying they could possibly kick us out. but he would rather spend his money on going out with the guys...he gets take-out like every night even if i cook! he buys 40 dollor darts when he barley plays. he got a 60$ bottle of alcohol one time when we didnt have any food in the house and i wasent working. and all this stuff he gets for himself...xmas i got nothing...valentines nothing...my birthday that just passed ..nothing not even a dollar card. his mom got at least a card on vday and her birthday tho! he makes sure he has the money when it comes to him and his mom and grandmother...but when it comes to the girl hes suppose to marry he says im broke! Part of me thinks he just dosent care about me or how i feel ...and this is y im writing this..i dont have much friends because they dont have children..and i can never talk to him because if its about money,or his mom,or anything that bothers me he just flips out and tells me im rediculous! theres only so much a mother and a wife or girlfriend can take before they just know enough is enough. theres always someone betta out there somewhere who wont be so selfish!

Claire - posted on 03/22/2009

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Thanks everyone.  Most of all of your advice or suggestions had crossed my mind before.



I've laid down the law (so to speak), and will now refuse to buy any luxuries for him.



My husband is actually very hard-of-hearing, and he had to leave his perfectly good (and well-paying) job to stay at home with our daughter when she was 2 mo old, since our childcare fell through.  Since then, of course, his unemployment ran out, then our economy made it even more difficult for him to find work.



His plan is currently to start a yard care and gardenning business (since jobs that pay a decent living and that he's qualified to do, are scarce in our area), once the snow melts.  He's not very prepared though...the only thing he's done is pick a business name and (sort of) make arrangments for equipment and a truck. Not for lack of trying, but there's not been much motivation because of the lack of startup funds.



Much as the thought appeals to me of cutting off things in my name, or for either of us to move somewhere else, those really aren't options that are available; due to our tennant in our basement, and we live in a city where I can't leave (I manage a business), and he has no family (he's a disfellowshipped Jehovah's Witness).  Not just that, but he has every legal right to live here when the house is in his name too.



Besides, when he's home, it saves me from paying for childcare, on top of everything else I've been paying for.  It's a situation that's not completely unrepairable, but had gotten out of hand when he spends money like he's still making it.



I suppose I just needed to hear from someone who is unbiased, as to what they'd do, so I wouldn't feel so bad making the tough decisions.  Again, thanks to everyone who posted - you all helped me alot today.

Jennifer - posted on 03/22/2009

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I forgot to mention which I think is important.  Things didn't work out right aways....it took alot of talking and some more fighting and we are still working on it together as we are both bad with money.

Jennifer - posted on 03/22/2009

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I just wanted to let you know what I did.  It took a while to work but I think eventually he saw the light.  I'm not saying we don't still have financial problems but at least it's fair now.  When we first got married we were both working...I was only workin seasonally because otherwise we couldn't live together but I was the one paying all the bills while he went to the casino every night.  I finally had enough....everything was in his name but I managed to tell the companies that since the were getting my cheques and I was his wife they'd either cancel all our services or just not get paid.  They cancelled and I moved back home.  When he came home .....the next morning.... he found that there was no electricity, food, heat, etc. He was very angry but all he had to do was wait till pay day and fix it all which he did and after a month of seeing what I was paying his casino trips decreased big time.  I don't think this approach works for everybody but I'm sure glad it did for me.

[deleted account]

You took vows and your married so I would not get a divorse, though I would go open my own bank account and seperate. I dont think you need to deal with that and you have your daughter to worry about. He is not a little kid anymore and he needs to step up and take responsibility. He may not ever realize this or open his eyes until he is forced to. If you are not suppling him with a place to live and food to eat then maybe he will realize what he needs to do. Good Luck say some prayers

Tina - posted on 03/22/2009

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I just read that you had responded halfway through the thread. You have a lot of responsability on your shoulders. You need a lawyer. You can get out of all of these responsabilities. The choice is up to you whether or  not you leave him, but the longer you wait, the harder it will be to get out because he is going to put you into so much debt it will be nearly impossible for you to support yourself and your baby. It's a tough choice but he is taking advantage of you. If he isn't willing to get financial and marriage counceling, then you have done all that you can do and your responsability is to your daughter.



Good luck



xo

Tina - posted on 03/22/2009

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You can leave, and you should. Im sure he is a great guy and all, but he is going to run your family into the ground. If you have to file for bankrupcy because of him, that is 7 YEARS that you will not be able to get any sort of loan from the bank. You will lose your house and everything you have. Why can't he get a full time job? If he can't be responsible with his finances, you can't allow him to spend YOUR money on useless crap! Bills need to be payed before you can have fun with your money. If you file for bankrupcy that motorcycle of his is going to be reposessed anyway.  ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. For your daughter's sake - you need money to take care of her! Stay with your parents or other family members but don't allow him to take advantage of you!

Stevie - posted on 03/22/2009

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im with everyone, it kind of sounds like little excuses though when it comes to droping him because you really love this man but it sounds like he doesn love you he loves the thought of you doing anything he wants and thats not right i have gone threw that with all of my exs until i met my husband and even though we still have problems with debt we support each other but he supports yes with money and i take his money to pay the bills and we have our hard times but we still have to talk and he well isnt like i said it just seems like the thught of being taken care of and doesn love you truely

Heather - posted on 03/22/2009

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It takes 2 to keep a marriage working, and since he is clearly not willing to do his part, I would give him and ultimatum-either stop driving you and your family further in debt, or tell him to start walking.

Claire - posted on 03/22/2009

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I've actually already openned my own account a few months ago.  It was the best thing I could've done short of a separation - before divorce.  The biggest debt problems stem from the fact that the houses (we rent out our first home) and our loans are also in his name, and if I don't make those payments, it's my ass too.  Also, the utilities are in my name here at our current home.  If they go into his name, then they'll still get cut off if they're not paid, and I really can't move out and bail on the current house because I'm legally responsible to our downstairs tennant as well.  Hubby has every right to stay here because he technically owns half this house.



Even if I don't pay his personal debts for his "toys", then I'm still forced to support him, and he won't learn/start to take on his responsibilities.  I don't think that involving the law will improve things.  I just want him to do what's right - not ruin our whole marriage.

Morgan - posted on 03/22/2009

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I would say enough is enough.  You can leave you have rights..  If he threatens you there is always the police.  He doesn't sound like he wants to work on things.  You have to think of yourself and your daughter not worry about him and his problems.  He doesn't seem to care about what you are feeling if he won't listen.  I say get out before you are in any deeper the longer you stay the harder it will be for you to leave.. And the longer you stay the harder it will be on your daughter.  There is tons of help out there you just have to look.  Like you said you went to a womens shelter they can help you if you explain your situation.  From the sounds of it you are scared of what he will do if you leave.

Jamie - posted on 03/22/2009

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I say pack your bags or his, something has to give and if he wont leave you need to. I also suggest getting a bank account in your name only and putting your money in there. Your duty is to your baby not to him. You may have to just walk out to save your self and your child. If he cant see by now what hes doing wrong and how its affecting things he never will and you need to just go. It wont be easy to start, but look your already able to support yourself and your baby you dont need to support a full grown man too.

Danielle - posted on 03/22/2009

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Hey Claire,

I think "enough is enough". If you had tried to reason with him and he wont listen I couldn't think of any other option. The economy now is in a financial crisis and it is unfortunate that he is out of work, but then there is a time in your life where sacrifices need to be made for the family. It doesn't seem fair for you to have to work and try to keep up with his expenses, and on the same note your credit can be affected by it.



D.

Hannah - posted on 03/22/2009

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Holy crap, how shitty!! I have been going through something similar with my baby daddy. Its different in that he is working-where he can, when there is work-and I am staying at home with our baby. But its the same that we have no money for groceries and some how he can afford bike parts...WHAT?? We have bills up the ass and he buys a new video game, WHAT??....I love him dearly too though. Its so hard. If you have laid down the law and made it abundantly clear that this is NOT OK, which it sounds like you have. I guess you just have to stop giving him any of YOUR money. He owes people? You are sorry but that is not your problem. Separtate your finances. You love him and you are going to see him do the right thing and GROW UP or you will have to leave. (Threaten and following through to an extent, if you cant bring yourself to go...I cant either). He misses being a bachelor? Too bad he CHOSE to have this wife and baby. So tell him to buck up and stop being a fool. He is not taking charge so YOU do it. Own it. Good luck!

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