I've HAD IT

Chris - posted on 08/16/2010 ( 79 moms have responded )

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I'll try to make a long story short... my son's father and I split up when my son was 7 months old. We got back together last November, and things have been going so much better... with the exception of two things. When we got back together, I lived with my parents (and still do for another two months until my house is finished) and he lives with his. My parents have a modest home that could stand a few upgrades... but it's clean, and safe for my son (always has been). His parents tried taking a 70s trailer and converting it into a house, and never finished it. There are plywood floors that rarely get swept, no couch, just two recliners that their 4 dogs have free reign over. You step in some spots and feel like you're going to go through the floor. I realize that not all houses are going to be prestine. HOWEVER, my boyfriends mother is a hoarder. She keeps EVERYTHING regardless of how insignificant it is. So in this half ass trailer house with all her junk and plywood floors and her 4 dogs, it's impossible to keep my son clean and safe. When we separated, he took Nathan every other weekend according to a custody agreement we made with the court. Then, him living there was only temporary... My son comes home every other Sunday night with some ailment... last night, it was about 27 bug bites that they told me were a few flea bites. They are much larger and more swollen than flea bites (my guess is bed bugs or spider bites). We've gotten into COUNTLESS arguments about the living conditions over there, but nothing gets done. They say they understand (he and his parents) but his parents NEVER do anything to change it. I was instructed NOT to talk to his parents myself, but I;'m at the end of my freaking rope. Should I call anyway?

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Jenna - posted on 08/16/2010

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I would document this and take pictures, so you can turn it into the court/child custody officer. That's not an ideal environemnt for your son to be visiting. This problem sounds like it is way past talking to his parents. If his mother is a hoarder by clinical diagnosis, talking to her isn't going to cut it. You could be dealing with an entire mental disease. The bug bites and the possibility of the dirt/fecal matter alone is something you son should not be exposed to at all. I would immediately call your child services and get someone over there to inspect the home for themselves. Just think - if you smell any type of ammonia (urine) or nasty fecal smell, those are all toxins to your son. Ammonia levels can get high enough to do serious damage to a child, let alone a full grown adult. This does not sound like any kind of safe environment for you son. If someone else were to see all the bites and skin irritation on your son and call the cops, they would be coming to YOUR door. I would be proactive and ask for a housing review by the child custody officer/court.

Good luck to you!!

Danielle - posted on 08/16/2010

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Your child comes first. Do what it takes. Enough said.

(Good luck. I will pray for you)

Katherine - posted on 08/17/2010

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Document and turn evidence over to your local childwelfare office. Be clear and precise and factual.

Bobbye - posted on 08/21/2010

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I think that you need to worry more about the health and safety of your child. If you suspect bed bugs I would suggest not letting your son go over there. And it does sound like that you need to make a call about the living situations. If your son's father wants to spend the weekend with his son then he needs to find a place that he can be safe and healthy for the weekend. I am sorry that you are having to go through this. My boyfriend and I went through this for a while with his son's mother. And because she refused to change things she is paying to take him back to court and may possibly be losing her unsupervised visitation with her son. I don't want to see a father who seems to be trying lose contact with his son. But I suggest that you offer him another option until he is able to take the child and make sure that he will be safe and healthy. You are doing the right thing. You go mom!!

Irina - posted on 08/18/2010

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I wouldn't argue with his parents or son's father. But I would try to see what I can do to have your son stay there are little as possible. Like asking to wait for overnight stays there as there is physical evidence of harm to the child. Like you said you are only few months away from moving into your place. Try not to burn bridges.

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79 Comments

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Kellie - posted on 08/22/2010

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take it back to court! there is no way i would let my daughter go over there with her house being like that and getting bug bites all the time. take pics of the bites take her to the doctor and get him to write a note to the judge and see if you can keep your baby away from that place. but still let your ex see the baby but in a public place or come over to your place...but thats just my 2 cents

Lisa - posted on 08/22/2010

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what you could do is talk to your boyfriend and let him know that your son will no longer be able to go over there until you all live together. It may not be fair to his parents or your bf but are you really worried about what they will think or say over your child's health? Honestly, if your boyfriend cant understand those terms then he's not caring enough about what could happen to your son.
You may have worked hard to be where you are in your relationship but is it more important than your child?

Rhonda - posted on 08/22/2010

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I would you are your only avocit for your baby. That is redicualous for anybody to love in those conditions it is gross and unsanitary and something needs to be said or your son dont have to go over there. Thats what I would say and Im sure if the courts seen that house they would agree.

Sarh - posted on 08/22/2010

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Also, I believe I forgot to mention that my mom is a hoarder, but nothing has even harmed my daughter or came close to harming her, sounds like you in-laws house is much worse then my mother's and I've had words w/her and she has had not so nice things to say back to me. You have to do what you have to do to keep your child save.

Chris - posted on 08/22/2010

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Okay, so here is an update... I tried to downplay this as much as possible with my bf because we have been arguing about this for about 4 months... So, I printed out everyones reply and left it where my bf would find it. He read them and when I came saw him later and he was upset. Not mad, but upset in general. He said that people judged his parents and so on, and I explained to him that everyone judges everyone else and hes only upset because it was a negative judgment based on the truth and reality of the situation. He said he was sorry for not realizing how bad this affected me emotionally (not being important enough, etc) but now he understands that it affects EVERYONE because of the extreme tension between me and his parents, my parents and him and him and me. So anyway, we've come to the agreement that until he moves in with me, our son doesn't spend the night over there. He spends half days over there at his parents place (my son DOES love the tractors and four wheelers and such) and the other half days are at either my parents place or the new house. But no more overnights :)

Thanks ALL!

Yadira - posted on 08/22/2010

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I think you should do what's best for your son's safety. I think that was a big eye opener for me when I was stayin at my mother-in-law's house. I would never let him lay on the floor to watch t.v or crawl. That house was something I was not use to and did not want my son around. I got so fed up with it that I came to California with my parents to give my son a better living. My husband has still to come out here.

Jessica - posted on 08/22/2010

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My son's nana is a hoarder.

After a few accidents where the cats knocked random things from shelves onto my son, I stopped him visiting until the house was safe and baby-proof.

I was called all sorts of names for this and was told that I was using my son to get at his father. My reply was, think what you want to think but if my son isn't safe there, he ain't staying there. They fixed it and now he stays there for 2 nights over the weekend. Tell me I'm 'using' my son now assholes!!!

Sarh - posted on 08/21/2010

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Sounds to me like you will be wasting your breath if you call his parents. If there is just a short while until your home is finished, why can't he come visit your son at your house (your parent's house)? That does not at ALL sound safe or healthy for your son to be in that environment.
I'd say to take your son to the doctor and have the doctor give you some sort of note or something for his father to see from someone else that it is not healthy for your son to be in!! Good luck!

Caroline - posted on 08/21/2010

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can a parent call social services on the other parent of a child? Because yes this is gross and totally against your child's health and safety! Something needs to be done.

Ashley - posted on 08/21/2010

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If your boyfriend was really interested in getting back together, then it seems like he should be more in tune with how you felt about this issue.. If he is doing nothing then you should question his motives for getting back together with u...You both have a responsibility to care for your childs well being not just you.. If u are not on the same page, then it may not be right to get back together first of all. then secondly, take lots of pictures, and ask lots of questions from them... Write down their responses and report to ur attorney... If you are alone in this than take every measure possible, if your boyfriend wants to be a team player then he should take care of this problem for u...

Jennifer - posted on 08/21/2010

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I would do anything and everything I could to make sure my son was not over there at all!!! Take pictures of their home or just keep a daily journal of what happens and what he comes home with and honestly i would count the bites and document how many there is and take him to a dr and let them know the situation and see what kind of bites they are...because if it is bed bugs, he will be caring them home with him to your house, and if it is spider bites there could be alot of issues that could arise. If you were instructed by a friend or family member to not talk to them I would call them anyways and let them know just wants on your mind. Thats my personal opinion.

Amy - posted on 08/21/2010

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You need to go the courts with photos explaining your child needs a safe and healthy environment at all times. Im sure once they discover the filth in which they live in they will make him get his own apartment with sanitary living grounds. Otherwise they will provide a state agent to supervise his visitation at your place or a neutral meeting place.

Tiffany - posted on 08/20/2010

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Dont call his parents, call the cops or your Judge/lawyer about your agreement. If it is not safe for your son do not send him back. If the court sees where he is having to go, they will change the order. They will not straight out take away his visits, but they will make it to where if they want to see him they have to be somewhere outside of that "house". If its not safe, its not worth the risk

Jessica - posted on 08/20/2010

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well no one can order grandparents to see there grandson and if the grandparents try to go for grandparents rights than you present evidence of the house!!!tell the babys father that you dont wanna lose him but your son is not going over there...he can meet you somewhere if he wants to see the baby..i had a problem with my fiancees parents..they are the SAME way and i told him theres the door you want me and your kids then they are out and you know what he was mad at me for awhile but i got my cake and ate it too i have my man and his parents are out of the picture!!! do what is best for your baby..he is the only one that matters!!!and if your man leaves because of it than he wasnt worth it youll find someone else!!

Amanda - posted on 08/20/2010

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Yes, you need to call and make your troubles known to them. And like Jenna Black said, ou need to document with a photo journal every time your little boy comes home with bites, scratches or any sort of illness or injury. You are the mother and, as such, you've got to make sure your child is safe and sound. If you're not comfortable with the living conditions where his father lives, then you can arrange supervised visits at an area of your choice. I hope you get it all worked out before someting really bad happens to your son.

Robin - posted on 08/20/2010

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this is your child. i think that you should definately call them out on the way they keep their house. it is in your child's best interest that he no go over there unless they clean up a lot. i know from experience that the smallest things ( such as bug bites ) can lead to trouble. if someone wanted to, they could call children's services out and accuse you and your partner of neglect. but at least if you make an effort to keep him away from there until they get it cleaned up, you can say that you are not neglecting him. (no im not saying that by not calling you are neglecting him) i just mean that someone might decide they know whats best and really they dont. so call..and if he has a problem with it, explain that you are only doing what is best for yalls son. hopefully then he will understand

Jennifer - posted on 08/20/2010

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I would take pictures and I would also take him to the doctor to have it documented. I would also let him know that it is an unsafe enviornment for your son to be in and if he takes you to court for contemp, show the documentation& pics. I would not send my child over again. If you are able to contact your attorney I would do that and ask that something be done in regards to this situation.

Stephanie - posted on 08/20/2010

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i wld call if they dont do anything about it then i wld take pictures of wat ur son looks like wen he comes home and take it to court and telll them

Rebecca - posted on 08/20/2010

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I would definitely take pictures of the ailments or injuries that your son receives after he is over at their house. Make sure there is a date on the camera however so that you can make sure that it is proof :) They do not seem to care enough to make a change and so this needs to be brought forward to court or social services for sure.

Paulina - posted on 08/20/2010

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CALL CALL CALL DON'T SECOND GUESS YOUR SELF YOUR SON IS FIRST IF ANYTHING!!!!

Elizabeth - posted on 08/20/2010

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I would call. He doesn't own you and you need to look out for the safety of your child. He comes first!!!!

Sheri - posted on 08/19/2010

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Your gut instinct will tell u how to handle the situation just listen and don't second guess yourself

Brenda - posted on 08/19/2010

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As their mother you have a right and responsibility to make sure they are safe and taken care of. You should call them and find out why things arent getting taken care of and when they will be. If they aren't going to clean up or anything to help the situation then you can stop your child from going over there due to an unsafe and unhealthy enviroment. I did check on this not too long ago, because I just went through the same thing with my ex who is now my husband. Good luck!!!

Brandy - posted on 08/19/2010

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Well, I am going to be honest and make some folks mad. You don't owe visitation to anyone except the dad. Unless its court ordered his parents or anyone else are really non issues. My inlaws were very negative all the time and I didn't like them bringing that energy around my baby. They didn't see him unless they were invited to my house. He is your child. As far as the living conditions, I would wait until his dad has him and if you are serious about how bad it is, contact CPS. That is not something I would take lightly. It is not the first choice for most people, but this is the health and safety of your child. If you allow him to continue visiting over there knowing what he will be exposed to, then you are just as guilty. You sound like you have legit concerns here. You don't have to like your inlaws. You don't have to deal with them either. It is not court ordered. It is extreme, but if you wind up in court again saying the baby was exposed to all of this and the house was nasty and he got bug bites all of the time, the judge could very well look at you and ask why you would allow it to continue. Its not your fault that they live that way, but it is your responsibility to advocate for your child until he is an adult. I know this is harsh, but this is a health and safety issue.

Danika - posted on 08/19/2010

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I would take a good look at your boyfriend and his choices he makes. i know money can be a big obstacle and not so easy to move or get out of the house he is in just yet. but i think it is a reflection of his true self that he hasn't made other arrangements for the weekends he has the child. I wouldn't stand for someone putting my child in a situation like this and feel you should talk with him about finding another solution. Can he stay wit you on the weekends he has custody? or can he stay at a friends place or somewhere safer and more equipt to deal with children. if not then he should understand that you don't feel its a safe and healthy environment and instead of fighting with authorities to get the problem solved and causing more harm find a way for him to still have his visitation with out going to his parents house. if he can't understand this or doesn't want to make the effort and change then do you really want to be with him? your child comes first but that goes for both parents.
I hope i wasn't rude or upset you as that is nort something i would like to do, but i couldn't imagine my standing for that from my husband and i know he would respect our children enough not to put them through it.
best wishes.

Chrissie - posted on 08/19/2010

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I'd say just dont go over there anymore...end of story.. No point in causing an argument..and it will.. You will argue anyways but stick to your guns and reassure evryon that you are only looking out for your childs safety. That you don't feel it is safe or healthy for your son to be there and they just have to deal. This is YOUR child, dont compromise on what you know is best for your child for anyone.

Danielle - posted on 08/19/2010

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Yeah, this is completely unacceptable...and even if those bites were from fleas, why are they acting like it's no big deal? If they have any type of bug problem they should have an exterminator in there asap. I wouldn't let my son go there...I really would not. Perhaps you can speak to your folks about your boyfriend moving in to their house with you and your son until your house is ready? Then he can see both you and your son whenever he wants. In the meantime, he and his parents can come to your parents' home to see your son. Their house isn't baby friendly! I would make this suggestion before doing anything else. Explain to them (for the millionth time I'm sure) why you're uncomfortable and that you feel they haven't done anything to change it. If they won't see reason then unfortunately I think the best thing to do is to contact emergency child services. He's your son, your number one priority and you don't need to feel guilty for wanting to keep him safe.

Nicole - posted on 08/19/2010

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To all the momma's it doesn't matter if you upset your family or your in- laws or even your husband or boyfriend or babies daddy, All that matters is the safety and the happiness of your child or children!!!!!!!!!!!

Debbie - posted on 08/19/2010

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i think u should take pics of the enviroment and of ur child and take him back to court and tall them its not a safe enviroment for ur child and u want dont want the visits at there house you have to think about ur child.

Holly - posted on 08/19/2010

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Also, please call Child services or child protection agency in your area. Hope this helps!

Holly - posted on 08/19/2010

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No. You report them anonymously to the health and safety board in your area. This is YOUR Son here.

Kellie - posted on 08/19/2010

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honestly, your boyfriend should be more understanding and want to keep his son safe from an environment like that. In this situation, it is my opinion that he shouldwant to keep your son at your house and just visit him. It is just another 2 months right??? so what's the problem with that. It should be a mutual decision between both parents. If his parents don't like it, then they can clean up (no offence..) But watching those "Hoarders" shows is so gross. I would never want my dauighter in a place like that for a second. You have the absolute right to feel the way you do. But calling his parents probably won't resolve anything anytime soon... it'll just cause more problems between u and your boyfriend most likely.. i'm sure u don't want that... but definetly don't allow your son to live in those conditions, i'm sure everybody in courts would understand that.. goodluck

Nicole - posted on 08/19/2010

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My husband's mom threatened to take my son from me when I moved out of her house because I told his dad at the time we were not married that I did not want my kids over their because we had a daughter but she wanted nothing to do with her. He lived with his mom and so did I until I moved out. It wasn't that the house was safe cause it was but she hoared everything plus animals. She said it was my husbands brothers stuff because he had just died in a car accident and she wanted to be around his things. Ok I understood that but it wasnt just his things and the dogs had fleas one dog had mainge which people can catch and yes I caght it my kids were covered in flea bites that go huge because there were so many a doctor said. My husband and I kept the house clean and tried to keep the dogs out but with 8 dogs and one had 11 pups their was nothing we could do for the fleas or the mainge. I left he followed about 2 months later and we turned her into DHS. She got help and is kinda better today but she is still hoarding just not as bad. I still don't let the kids go any where with her just for the off chance she may take them some where that is just like the house she lived in before.

Chris - posted on 08/19/2010

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thank you irina. Almost everyone is all about DHS or CPS, but I have a lot of bridges I need to be careful not to burn. Not with my future in laws, because I could care less about what they think of me or how they view me... it's my bf. We've been working on things a long time!

Rachael - posted on 08/18/2010

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I would talk to someone to let an outside source say that your son isnt allowed into that enviroment. Even if your son's father has visitation rights he HAS to provide a save and clean space for your son to be in durring the time that he is visiting with his father.

Tiffany - posted on 08/18/2010

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I'd see about getting an emergency court hearing to stop the visitation. If you two are together than see if the dad will come stay at your house during his visits. I would do whatever I could in the next two weeks to make sure my child did not go back to that house. Speak with the father and tell him your child WILL NOT be going back to that house, court order or no court order, unless they fix the conditions immediately. You have a right to protect your child from such conditions. If he tries to show up with police officers have them call and get a social worker to their house before you will hand your child over. The social worker will agree with you. Take pictures of the bites he came home with to show the police officers. Whatever weekend coming up is his, leave and go stay with a friend or another family member if he threatens to show up with the cops to get your child. Make it to where you are not home and your parents don't know where you went so that they can't come find you. PROTECT your child before something bad happens. Call him first thing tomorrow and tell him that you will not have you son at his house until the conditions are better. Tell him that a flea infested house is not a place for a child and that they have to have all dogs treated along with the house before you'll let you son back over there. Tell him the hoarding has to stop before you'll let your son back over there. Tell him he is more than welcome to visit with his son at your house until those things are fixed or until you two move in together. Do not let your son go back there.

Kaitlynn - posted on 08/18/2010

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im in the same position. his mom has a very dirty house, very very cluttered. Ive never even seen more than the living room and the dining room. Makenna was throwing up at her house last weekend, then comes home this past Saturday and throws up a piece of tape after being at her house. so Ive pretty much had it too.

Anna - posted on 08/18/2010

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NOT NO BUT HELL NO!! IF my childs father wanted tro take her I would suggest a motle room for the weekend somewhere maybe a grandparents awaay from his parents house. its neglectful for him to be consatantly with some ailment from over there.If he doesnt meet your recommendations or standards call the custody courts and report that his living environment is dangerous and unfit for a child... and if all else fails calling CPS will do the trick. Think about your child if he wants to be with you as a family and what not he can clean his stuff and come live with you and your son

Jenifer - posted on 08/18/2010

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I wouldn't let my child go, stick to your guns, put up a fight, if all else fails take him to court, call CPS on him, (Child Protective Services) It is your responsibility to protect your child. Please don't send him back.

Heidi - posted on 08/18/2010

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I wouldnt allow my son there in those conditions, going back and forth from one extreme to the other is going to make your son sick. Maybe go back to court, tell the judge about the conditions and have your boyfriend have visitiations elsewhere, those conditions are not safe at all and any good judge will know that, and heaven forbid, if social services see that that wont be good. Good Luck

Heather - posted on 08/18/2010

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take the kid to the dr.If nothing else you are covering you butt with a paper trail of the alliments and where they happened. If you ped is a good one see if he/she will right on script something that says your son needs to stay out of the area it won't be legaly binding,but with the dr on your side the inlaws might take it more seriously....it won't be a long term fix but it might buy you some time.

Lacey - posted on 08/18/2010

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Why put him in the situation at all? You are responsible for you childs welfare even if he is not with you. If you knowingly let him go to a home that is not safe for him, you are responsible for what happens there. For both his and your own protection you should draw the line.

Emili - posted on 08/18/2010

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my son would NOT be going there period. i wouldn't even talk to his parents, i would go straight to your lawyer (or whomever you deal with about custody) and find out how to have it changed to where he can only have him in certain places. it IS possible. i was in court for child support not too long ago and a similar situation was happening with some people that were there too and they made it to where the dad could only see them at a certain relatives house. dont sacrifice your childs safety or health...go with what you believe.

Ashley - posted on 08/18/2010

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Those are unsanitary conditions for a child to be living in and I don't blame you one bit. I have to agree with what someone said on here about taking pictures and documenting this. Those sound like disgusting conditions. If you child is getting sick because of it, it's definitely a problem. I know how you feel. My partner's mother doesn't exactly keep a clean house, either. They have three dogs and two cats and almost every time I have gone over there, there's a dog that's peed or pooped on the floor, animal hair everywhere, it smells, there's food and stains on the counter, unwashed dishes, stuff on the floor... I am a stickler about cleanliness when it comes to my son, who is eight months old, so I totally see where you're coming from. My parents also have a house that is nice, but could use upgrading, but like you said, it is ALWAYS kept and neat. This hoarding thing could be more than just a habit. I've seen that show, Hoarders, on TV before, and it's more like a mental disease. Definitely try to get the state or social services to take a look at this place. You are definitely doing the right thing by not wanting your son over at their place!

Susan - posted on 08/18/2010

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I saw that you two had a custody agreement. I would contact your laywer or the courts and tell them you don't think that it's safe for Nathan to be in that trailer and make sure you have photos and take note of dates and times of the "bug" bites. It will get ugly between you and his dad, but you'r priority is to your son first. hope this helps.

Candy - posted on 08/18/2010

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the safety and well being of your child is always number one prioratey dont let your babys dad tell you what you can and cant do its your child at the en of the day and if he is at risk of being bitten by anything or worse hurting himself on something then do what you feel is right if that was me my children would be going no where near that caravan.

Leann - posted on 08/18/2010

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I tink u shud call his Mam and ask if they would like to visit ur child in your home as u fell there's is unsanitary but your not been rude just cautios... x

Eve - posted on 08/18/2010

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For now just tell them his spots/rash are an allergic reaction to dog hair therefore he cannot go over they will have to call to you. Custody is hardly an issue if ye are back together and this will save all the anger this situation will cause.

Sarah - posted on 08/18/2010

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Call DHS!!! Report it. Take pictures. Everything you can do! And you do have a right to say no to your son going if you think his health is in danger! I have been having issues (not this bad) myself and this is all my lawyer has told me! Seriously pictures and Call please!!!!

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