Suck it up or move on?

Whitney - posted on 05/18/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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So here's the deal ... I'm 12 weeks pregnant and I had moved in with my fiance and his mom. Little did I know when I moved in, I was going to have to answer to his mom more than him!!! Now given, we're only 20 and 22 years old, but we do know a little bit about the world. I came to stay with my mom for a week because his mom became so over-bearing. When I went back, I listened to his mother yell at him about how stupid he was for giving me money to come home, yet she comes back and tells me that it was NOTHING TO DO WITH ME!! Not to mention the little bit of assistance I get (WIC, foodstams, etc) she took and used and bought things I didn't even like! She claimed it was my debt to living there, yet I was still giving her money to live there!! Now, right or wrong, doesn't it seem like she's holding it over our heads that we live with her? How are we supposed to grow up and be prepared if we can't even make our own choices??? I moved back in with my mom until I can find another place. There's more of a catch ... We live an hour and a half from each other. Did I do the right thing by moving back to my hometown or should I have just sucked it up and stayed there? Keep in mind, he completely supported my decision to move back. He's still a part of everything I do, and keeps up with everything that goes on with myself and the baby. I'm confused!! HEEELP!

6 Comments

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Jenni - posted on 05/19/2009

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You definitely did the right thing. You don't need the stress, trust me, I know from experience, it can be dangerous. Also, it doesn't matter what you were paying her, the WIC is to ensure that YOU get the right nutrients for your child, she shouldn't have even had access to your vouchers, legally, she has no right to touch them.

I had a similar problem with my MIL's ex BF. He would call me and athiest and tell me he felt sorry for our son for having me as a mother. He also used various racial slurs in excess, because he knew it bothers me. He even put a pan with a plastic handle into the oven at 500 degrees, twice. He even threatened my fiance. Needless to say, we got out of there.
You were right in removing yourself and your child from a potentially dangerous situation.

Catrina - posted on 05/19/2009

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Sweetheart let me tell you that to this day I still have issues with my husbands mother. Sometimes it's all good intentions, however it's over stepping the line. We've been married 5 plus years, have 2 children together. I have an older son from my previous marriage (who's father passed away in 2000. My husband has 2 kids from his previous marriage)

His mom did a lot for him when he was screwing up his life. To the point that his ex left him and stole his kids from him. His mom helped try and clean up that mess and what not. But yes at one point we did live with her. I paid my share for my son and I, my husband paid his part - and we left her to pay her portion. Ughhh! It didn't stop!

We ended up having to move out on our own. To which lead her to follow us. We ended up allowing her to move into our house with us when she got sick. But then she started getting involved into our marriage as if we needed to consult with her regarding our financial spendings, savings, etc. This finally broke the camels back so to speak. I made it clear - either she went or I went. She took it to the extreme moved from CA with us to NY. She now is miserable and every 12 weeks flies out here to visit for 2-4 weeks.

There is no reason or acceptable explination for her actions or behavior. It's wonderful that your boyfriend understands and supports your decision. Would your parents allow him to stay with you if he paid his share? My fear is this -- leaving him alone with his mother (in my experience) left a wide door open for her to fill his head full of complete crap. At one point convincing him I was abusing him?! We wrestled around a lot, even with my son. I ended up with a busted face, and eventually broke my arm from it all. He had not one wound, but I was abusing him?????? When we found out I was pregnant with our first son, we were not married yet, but his mother convinced him to leave me. A decision that came back to bite him in the ass 3 months later.

Be careful what you put yourself out to be exposed to. The stress and hurtful nature of an overbearing mother in law (so to speak) can do some major damage. I had my MIL yell at me for sending my 3 year old to his room to cry and scream in there instead of in the living room. That he needed to cool off then I could explain to him what happened. She didn't like this. So I yelled at her and asked her "what would you prefer me to spank him?" she really said yes! I wasn't going to spank my son for throwing a fit over hot wheels when he is capable of calming down and being explained to what he did wrong.

Hold your ground....sorry if I got off track here. This is a touchy one for me!

Gemmah - posted on 05/19/2009

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you need to tell him to tell is mother to back off.i think you should stay with your own family ..bein pregnant is very hard..its a roller coaster ride,phisicaly and emotionally...and if ur around that when ur preggrz u will end up stressed and thats not good for bubbi growing inside u.take it from me his mum sounds like a control freak jus imagine what it would b like if u live ther when baby is born???it will b hell

Jamie - posted on 05/19/2009

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His mom needs to be smacked. Im glad you left. You dont need her stress while you are pregnant. It may not be ideal but health and safety are number one. She must have some issue and needs to get over herself. Stop dealing with her and jsut worry about your baby. As you get closer to having your baby she will come around. i know my hubbies dad did. I think they feel like they are losing their babies to becoming a dad and cant handle it. Good luck.

Tara - posted on 05/19/2009

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I personally think you did the right thing. It sounds like his mom isn't ready to let go of any control, and let either of you grow up and take responsibility for your own decisions. I know it can be hard being away from your fiance (my then-husband was states away because of military training during both my pregnancies), but as long as you two keep communicating and planning for the future together, you'll manage. Trust your instincts as a future mother, wife, and daughter-in-law. I wish you the best of luck with the pregnancy, living, and family situation!

[deleted account]

his mom is in the wrong treating you like that. you don't need that stress, especially when you're pregnant. but you also need your boyfriend around to help you through this- is there any way that he could move to where you are? at the moment, your needs are most important as you're pregnant and you need to be as comfortable and free of stress as possible. as for the wic and foodstamps, it is important that you use those for foods you like because you have them to support your pregnant body and growing child and a pregnant woman is a picky eater. also- you can't keep moving back and forth because you need to stick with one doctor throughout your pregnancy... so you should find a permanent place asap. hope i was a little helpful?

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