Please no judging.....

April - posted on 06/28/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

I never in my wildest dreams thought for one second that myself, who had ALWAYS been pro-life, and said well, if I get pregnant I will just have the child, no matter how hard it may be and raise it. I didn't even think for one second that I would ever go through with an abortion. Even as I was going through it, a million thoughts raced through my mind, and even after all the anesthesia and what not, I can still remember the pain I felt, and trying to get up out of the abortionist chair, and push the nurse and doctor away, I was changing my mind in the midst of it, despite all of the pain and agony that lead me to that very chair. Especially since I had suffered through two previous miscarries. I had no idea as to why I had even thought about electively letting this child go?

What was wrong with me? After the procedure, and I was coherent enough to move, and walk. I walked over to where I had told my dad (Who by the way, had no idea what I was doing.) to meet me, and called him to come pick me up. I was barely 22 years old. You would think that a high school honor student, who had made her way through college and the corporate world would have decided to raise this child regardless of the life circumstances that surrounded were. I spent the next two weeks (I had saved up enough money for me to take at least a month off from work, and live "comfortably") locked in my room. I came out of my room to eat, or smoke. (I only smoke outside. I had having my home smell like cigs.) It was hard to explain to my dad and brother who I had allowed to live with me in my 3 bedroom apartment why I was not going to work, and why I was locked up in my room. Honestly I was ashamed and lied to them. I sheepishly told them "It was that time of the month" that "I was sick". They didn't even question me, in fact they let me be, and went about their lives, including keeping the apartment to my annoying sense of cleanliness. They even peeked in a time or two, just to see if they could walk my two dogs, or take them to the park for me or something. I always let them, because emotionally, I had no will power to get up and walk.

SO what was I doing those two weeks? Crying. Regretting. Praying. Cursing God. Beating myself up, beating those that ultimately lead me to my decision up. My friend finally reprived me two weeks into my intended month stay in my room (luckily since it was my apartment, I had a master bathroom all to myself. My dad and brother shared the guest bathroom down the hall). She got me out and moving, and talking. She didn't blame me, or question me, and most of all, she didn't judge me. She loved me and accepted me for who I had always been. She knew that this was a great turmoil for me, and she took care of my emotions.

So what lead me up to this awful decision in my life?

I was torn. I had started to see this man, let's call him "R", that initially I was only seeing to make my ex, lets call him "S" jealous. I started to really like "R" and was even thinking about giving up completely on my ex "S" (Who had been, and will always be my one true love).

"R" was in the midst of finalizing his divorce and had two children already with his ex wife. Although financially I would be able to support a child, he would not be able to support a third child.

I wanted a child, and I wanted to be married, and started feeling as if I wasn't going to get that with "R" since he had already been married and had two children. So I got back in contact with "S" and we started up again. Secretly behind each of their backs I was seeing the both of them.

I do not know who got me pregnant, or when I got pregnant. As awful as this sounds, I would literally stay one night with "R" and the next night I'd have "S" over at my apartment. So I really do not know who the father was.

When it comes down to it, the presures from both of them once they realized I was pregnant. The shame and humility I would have brought my family. Not to mention the endless shame of "whose the daddy". I was the honor student in high school, to only one to go to college and be working on a degree, the only one with a job that was something to be proud of. I saw my whole world crashing down, not to mention I'd for sure lose one if not both of these men.

The heat was on and I could not take it.

Here I sit however, nearly 4 years later at the ripe age of 25. I sit here with the love of my life "S" to which we will be having our first child in September of this year. He now knows about the abortion, and the details behind it.

I sit here however, and wonder... What could have been? Being pregnant with a child so wanted and loved, brings back the aches of a child I let go willingly that wasn't nearly as wanted. I sit here and wonder why I did not realize what I was doing sooner, and just walk out instead of going through with the Abortion?

I will never know. All I know is God had a plan for me, He healed me, and now I sit here blessed to finally be a mother. It didn't take long for the physical pain to heal, but it has taken years for the emotional pain to heal. Even now, I get those small still aches. Even now, I imagine what my son/daughter would look like now. I know this sounds crazy and all, but I can't help but to wonder... what if?

I tell you my story to ask you this:

How do you keep the past from creeping up and terrifying you, or mortifying you about your current pregnancy? How do you let go and keep focused on the child you are about to bring into this world in about 10 weeks or so?