Been there done that. I want to help.

Danielle - posted on 03/01/2011 ( 3 moms have responded )

My story is long but if you're going through PPD then please read. What I have to say may help you. I gave birth to my son in 2003. It was a hard labor and eventually they had to do an emergency c-section b/c he was in distress. My pregnancy was awful, I won't go into all of the details b/c it will make it even longer but just imagine your worste problems with your pregnancy and I prlly went through it. After I left the hospital I went straight home. My husband went back to work and the first week my cousin came to help me b/c I couldn't get around. Then next week it was just me and I panicked. When my son would cry it was like someone just scratched nails down a chalk board. I couldn't stand it. I would watch him while he slept and was so amazed by how wonderful he was but as soon as he woke up I didn't want anything to do with him. I loved him so much, I just didn't want anything to do with him.My husband had to make me hold him. He knew something was wrong so he took me to my parents and talked to them about it. They had to make me call the Dr and then of course they admitted me. I hated it there and begged my husband to bring me home. I quit eating, didn't bathe, all I did was lay in my room. So he brought me home. We asked my parents if maybe we could stay there for a week or so to maybe help me transition into taking care of him. My mother refused. She said he could stay but we could not. I was afraid I would hurt him so we left him there. We would get him on wkends when my husband was home to help me. When he was four mnths old I tried to commit suicide. I couldn't deal with the guilt. Ppl were horrible to me but no one was as hard on me as I was. I wrote my son a letter and put it in his bby box telling him how sorry I was and that it wasn't his fault and that I loved him and while my husband was suppose to be at work I tried to overdose on muscle relaxers. For some odd reason he came home early and caught me.Skip forward to three yrs and then surprise! I'm pregnant again. Once again I panicked. I'm against abortion but told my husband I wouldn't bring another child into this world to go through what my little boy did. He was so upset with me. I called my father who was a pastor and told him what I planned to do and he asked me to give him two days to pray about it and then he would support whatever I decided. I didn't make it through the next day and realized that I couldn't do it. It wasn't her fault that I was her mother. I was terrified the entire pregnancy. The moment I saw her something inside me changed it was like something clicked. I wouldn't let anyone hold her b/c I was so afraid that I would suddenly start feeling that way towards her but it never happened. She saved my life and fixed this family. My son is seven now and it's been a very long road but he lives with us and we are happy. I still deal with guilt sometimes but I finally had to forgive myself and then I was able to move on. Not many ppl know the entire story but I felt that I should tell it here. If my story helps one person get through this horrible problem then it was worth it. I had no one I could talk to besides my husband and although he was my rock he didn't and couldn't understand. If anyone ever needs to talk or vent then know that I will give the best advice possible. Just message me.