PPD - Help please. I feel so lost and alone.

Ashley - posted on 04/04/2013

I know how you feel. I developed severe ppd when i was still pregnant. Not only did i have really bad depression, but i started having full blown panic attacks and anxiety. I never thought i would ever crawl out of that alive. But here i am still here and slowly getting this thing beat. My depression has lifted for the most part (except around period time) but the anxiety is sooo bad. i am currently on cilitapram (sp) and it has done wonders for the depression but i think I need to start looking at other avenues for the anxiety. So here's my game plan lol.....i made my first apt for counselling, i started to learn how to jog and i just keep telling myself that the thoughts and fears i have are not real and i will get through this. I worry about everything. The kids are my worst fear. You name it I worry about it. Sickness, bullying , allergies, happiness, nutrition...its nuts lol. My son will be one this month and i thought one was going to be my "back to being me" number. I am just so scared that it will never get better :( im so grateful for this site cause its my way of knowing that im not alone and together we will all work it out :) We are great moms!

Glecy - posted on 03/05/2013

Hi Everyone im new to this site, just got diagnose of ppd this awful feeling, i feel like hopeless, my doc give me viidryl AD. I dont know how long it takes to work but been frustrated because im not sleeping. Please help....

Nancy - posted on 06/08/2012

Hey Kim, I feel the same way bc I wanted three kids too but I don't know being that my ppd gets a bit worse with every pregnancy but it may not be the case for you. Each case of PPD is different some people take longer than others. It is not one of those illnesses that has a certain frame of when you will be healed. I honestly can't answer when my 1st bout of ppd recovered fully b/c I got pregnant with my second just as I was beginning to get better with my first round of ppd. I am honestly not strong at all. I just keep telling myself that I just need to get through it b/c I have to kids to care for. I know how hard and debilitating this illness is and there has been days where getting out of bed felt like an immense task. I think what was the scariest thing about the illness was the thoughts and feeling like I was going to lose my mind and be put away. It is an extremely scary state to be in but I do remember with my first bout that there is a "light" at the end of the tunnel and it did get better. Just try to find the things that you did like to do or made you happy. Was it having that morning cup of coffee or reading a book, or getting your nails done? Also, what helps with medicine and I know this sounds over used but going to therapy does help. It is a safe place to express yourself and not be judged or criticized. If you want feel free to send me a message and if you have any questions or feelings you want to talk about be more than happy to help. Just keep telling yourself you will get better and trust me this will make you an even better mom because of this hardship it will make you appreciate alot what being a mom is all about. Give yourself credit and love and don't personalize anything. It is NOT your fault that this happened and its NOT in your hands.

Paula - posted on 06/08/2012

kim, are you on right now?

Kim - posted on 06/08/2012

Thank you Nancy, your reply came at a day when i really needed it. I have been 7 weeks on Lexapro now but the doctor increased it 2 days ago to 20mg. You said you are on your second bout of PPD. Wow.... that must be so hard. You must be such a strong person. I have 2 children and wanted a third but now i am way to frightened to get pregnant again. It makes me sad. How long did your first bout last and did you feel fully recovered from it when it was over?
My prayers are with you.

Nancy - posted on 06/07/2012

First of all, hugs, kisses, and supportive thoughts your way mamma. Trust me PPD is a real illness and you will get through it. Unfortunately, it is one of those illnesses that takes time to go away it isn't like having an infection taking an antibiotic and its cleared in a week or two. I used be a mental health professional before I became a stay at home mom and let me tell you these medicines take time to work. Don't expect results asap. To feel the full effects of the medicine it can take up two months but you can start to notice little changes before than. Just give the medicine some time before it works and if you have any concerns about it talk to your dr. Also, those thoughts of feeling it be better if you weren't around are the illness talking. Keep telling yourself that you are an important part of the family and that your baby needs a mom. I am right now going thru my 2nd bout of ppd and let me tell you its def. taking time to find a medicine that works for me because the same meds that worked the first time with my first child didn't work as well the 2nd time but just trust me it will get better and you will see a light at the end of the tunnel and when it all goes away you will start to think I can't even believe I had ppd. Try to surround yourself with supportive family, friends, and loved ones.

Kim - posted on 06/02/2012

How are you Mariel?

Niki - posted on 05/27/2012

The reason why it most likely went undiagnosed for so long is most doctors say PPD only lasts 1 year, so when ur son was 15 months old and things got really bad they would not have even considered it.
I believe that the PPD is a combination of hormones, and brain chemistry as well as a huge life change, cuz we all know that having ur 1st baby changes everything about ur life and what it used to be, and the same thing goes for each new member that is added to a family. For women suffering from PPD that is a huge change and sometimes it takes us longer to get used to that change, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I can understand how mad you are that you went for months suffering and not only you but you family as well, but to tell you the truth, I would try not to hold on to that, its is not worth wasting your energy on for something that you can not change, and you could use that energy somewhere else. And also holding on it will just make you bitter and I know that you don't want that.
As for the recovery you will get better on your time schedule, my daughter is 3 and half, and I didn't get started on meds until Nov 2010 when I had a huge break down and sat at a hospital for over 18 hours waiting for phsyc consoult. I am still on meds but slowly coming off of them, and I did try to get off of them sooner than what was recommended to me and it set me back. So I have excepted the fact that I still need meds to help to keep me even right now, but I know that I will not be on them forever, and you what even if I did need them forever I am alright with that too now cuz not only me but my family and especially my husband benefit from me taking them.

Kim - posted on 05/26/2012

Thanks Niki, i will do that for sure. Thats great news that you are going back now. I would hate to be away from the things i know. I do have a friend who visits and tries to help me but she has never experienced PPD so its hard for her to understand why i am crying all the time. I should probably fill you in more on my situation. I have 2 children. A daughter 3 and a son who turned 2 last week. I am 40yrs old. I never felt myself after my son was born but i put it down to being tired with 2 kids etc and stressed. I remember telling people i was exhausted and felt very flat emotionally but i never recognised it as depression. I have been suffering for such a long time and i feel like i will never ever recover. It was not till my son was 15mths old that my period returned and suddenly i was having anxiety attacks, extreme anxiety about everything. I couldn't sleep or eat and suddenly it was like a switch went off in my brain and i was in a deep dark depression that crippled me. I suddenly did not want to live anymore and i had no reason for it. I had no understanding of PPD so i was searching for some health reason for it all. I went to so many doctors and specialists searching for thyroid problems, adrenal problems etc..... after about 6 weeks of this a doctor put me on an antidepressant Pristiq and it did nothing at all. I was 4mth like this and the dose was increased twice and still it did absolutely nothing. I cried every single day all day long. Unable to control my emotons at all. One min i would be fine and a min later i would be a crying mess. For some reason i believe the pristine was making me worse. I guess i must have had mild PPD after my son was born and that it gradually got worse and worse and went undiagnosed. It wasn't till October last year that i went into full break down. After months of searching for answers as to what was wrong and being put on medications that did not do anything finally (6mths on) someone told me to contact a psychiatrist who diagnosed PPD that went unchecked and turned into major depression. That was 6 weeks ago. My psych specialises in PPD and she took me off the Pristiq and put me on lexapro 10mg. I was still down but improving some and then 2 weeks later she upped it to 15mg. Today i have had 2 weeks of feeling better but my husband went away agin yesterday so i am feeling very sad and alone and crying. I love my children so much and i love being their mum so i just don't understand why i am so sad and miserable. What is causing this? I have absolutely no reason to feel so depressed and anxious. Do you believe that its hormonal/chemical? Im just so angry that none of the doctors i saw ever picked up on PPD. After suffering for such a long time its only now i seem to be getting the correct help. I just have so much fear around this now. Will i ever recover? Will i be medicated forever because it was not picked up sooner? Argh.... its so horrible. Do you feel completely recovered?

Niki - posted on 05/26/2012

My PPD started with in a few hours of my daughter being born, but it took about 2 months before being diagnosed.
The 14 day round I talked about is just to take a sleep aid for 14 days, to help ur sleep get back on track, sleep medications only give you about 20 more mins of sleep a night, and some people can become vary dependent upon them, but 14 days is enough to help get the cycle back.
I do have good news to report, my husband is getting promoted so that means a posting for us, so we are moving to Edmonton Alberta yayayaya. I tell all my friends that I get to move back to Canada, cuz everything here is so different than any province I have lived in. But now I have some stress again, trying to find a house, preschools, and the move it self, so I have found that I am struggling with my mood and the swings that go along with it, but the Cipralex helps alot. And its awesome that you have 6 weeks in and are feeling better, give it another 6 weeks and you should almost be back to feeling ur old self again.
I hope that you have some family close or the best friends in the world to help you, with your husband being out of the house for long periods of time like that. I had found a group for women with PPD that I was going to before we moved to Quebec and it worked wonders for me, so maybe talk with your doctor and see if u can get some info if there are any groups in ur area. But it sounds like you are doing the best that can to keep everything together being on ur own most of time and you should feel very proud of ur self for that. With my husband being in the military he is gone alot too, so I know how it can feel like u are totally alone sometimes.
If you want look me up on fb and add me as a friend and we could exchange phone numbers and chat that way and I totally would not mind running up my phone bill for a really good reason ;)

Paula - posted on 05/26/2012

It was a traumatizing event. It always takes a deal of time to get over trauma.

Paula - posted on 05/25/2012

Honestly, I still have a little surge now and then. It was 6-8 months before I stopped talking about it all the time and after a year I know now with all I did to gets myself help, that it will never happen again.i don't know if anxiety
Or depression runs in your family but it can do ALOT with how you see things. You may have been taught how to worry about things and your worries now are just manifesting themselves on your kid. I don't know your story but all I do know is I promise it will stop ruling your life. When you are at such a height of anxiety, parts of your brain LITERALLY stops talking to other parts. Your sense of reasoning is literally CUT OFF because your fight-flight is kicked in 24/7. This is why anxiety meds can help you. Please don't read message boards about it because they will scare your pants off. I took my braces/ laser eye surgery money and hired a good therapist and a good psychiatrist and took lil one to a free sitter twice a week. Even now, I see her sometimes and feel like 'hmm I guess I don't love her because I'm feeling XYZ about her' but instead of indulging in it, I sort of dismiss it and shrug it off. Like I said, I'm sure whatever you are doing is good enough! And will always be! I'm glad Meds are working! They don't cure everything but they do help your brain communicate more healthily to itself. Do you have access to psych help? A sitter or even a way to pay someone once a week? I used to literally go out to the store on my time off and read nutrition labels because that was the only thing that calmed me down! Honey, you are in great company. I've met at least a dozen people that have had PPD since
I suffered with it. I'm sure millions have had it! I how this has eased your nerves at least a tiny amount. Let us know what you do!

Kim - posted on 05/25/2012

Thank you Paula.... you are amazing! Thank you for all the wonderful words of advice. Can i ask how old your bub was when yours started and how long it lasted? Its been about 6 weeks now on medication and i feel better than i have in the last 7mths but still not myself. I have such fear and anxiety of it striking me down each day. Did you feel this even after you were well? That you were constantly afraid of it coming back? I wonder if the fear will ever go away once i get well?

Kim - posted on 05/25/2012

Hi Niki, thanks for replying to me again. What is a 14 day round? Is that taking a sleep aid for 14 days to get my body used to sleeping? It must have been so hard for you in Quebec on your own. I don't know how you did it. My husband works overseas also. He works 5 weeks away and comes home for 2 weeks. He has been doing it for a year now. May i ask you when your PND started? What age your daughter was? Mine didn't start straight away so i guess thats why it was never diagnosed properly. I have now been on the Lexapro for about 6 weeks and i am feeling a lot better. Still feel very fragile and that i could cry any moment but I'm doing much better.
How are you these days?

Niki - posted on 05/22/2012

I also had PPD and the scary end of it (thoughts of harming my daughter), but there is light at the end of the tunnel, and the lexapro that you are taking i am on the same med, but in Canada its called cipralex, and with any anti-depressant it will take 12 weeks to feel the full effect, but u should notice a gradual difference in about 2 weeks, if u are having problems sleeping i would maybe as for a 14 day round of something to help u sleep as well and that can make all the difference.
My daughter is now 3 and half, and the PPD is a thing of the past, but it took me a full year and then some to get fully over it, but my husband is military and we got posted to Quebec and i speak no french what so ever, so it was very hard to find any services in english. Before we moved here, I was in a group with other mothers with the same thing, and it helped me so much, just to know that someone else that I could see, was having same thoughts and feelings and worries and anxiety as me. And while attending that group I didn't need any meds cuz for me it worked so well. I hope that this helps :)

Paula - posted on 05/12/2012

I just
Started a mom group and out of the 15 people, 3 had some form of ppd!!! No worries!

Mariel - posted on 05/11/2012

you will recover from the post partum. It is not easy but you will recover. I have been diagnosed since september of last year and I have good days and bad days. On the good days I am so excited and happy and on the bad days I have to force myself to get out of bed and to go on the floor with my son but once I am on the floor I am so proud of myself because I never would have done that before I got help. I just always have to repeat to myself that I am a good mother and so do you. And I am here to listen also.

Paula - posted on 05/08/2012

oh, and I'm here to listen and talk if you have any questions at all!

Paula - posted on 05/08/2012

You are not repeat ARE NOT the only person that feels this way. Sadly, this is not what you see, It's been a year since I 'went nuts' for lack of a better description and all I saw and heard (minus the few PPD forums) were how much moms LOVED mommyhood and 'its all worth it' and dadadadada *barf!*
My daughter is 1 now and I'm happy to say that I'm on the other end of it now and I'm SO much better of a person now. It was almost a blessing because I went and got therapy and worked through so many of my problems that I had pre-baby that at the time I didn't think were problems. I'm more peaceful and understanding... but it took a MISSILE of depression and anxiety and sleep deprivation (1 month of no sleep! seriously.) to get me to sort out my life. Worst experience of my life.
I am convinced that part of what happened to me was freaking out about how I was EXPECTED to feel. How a mom SHOULD act and love and care etc. We talk so much about how being selfless for your child makes you a great mom but that's just not the way I am. It's not the way that I chose to love. My definition of love and good mommyhood is mine alone. I had to stop waiting for a feeling that wasn't going to happen. I love my little one and I love her the way that I LOVE HER and that's good enough. Don't let other moms make you subconsciously feel like you are alone or doing something wrong. If everyone said how they really felt, well, we'd all be depressed!
First order of business: 1.) do things for yourself. You are still your own being with needs.
2.) Do what you feel is right for your kid right now. Even if it's not much. You'll have many months to sort yourself out
3.) Talk to someone (preferably a therapist) that can help you organize your thoughts. If your therapist sucks, get another one. If you choose anti depressants, if they don't work, go on new ones, up your dose. You really do have many many months before your child will emotionally need you.
4.) Don't try to explain yourself to other people. They won't get it unless they've been there and this may just make you feel more inadequate.
5. and most importantly- DONT FOLLOW A MOMMY TEMPLATE. Do what works for your family. Whatever you choose will be good enough. Your kid will love you I promise.

I have been here and it's been a year and I still remember with great nausea of how I felt. It was the worst thing ever. Here I am a year later and it's easy peasy. I still don't feel like a mom I SHOULD be according to others, but we have our own relationship and I love her to death! I swear it gets better. Don't worry about medication, it won't kill you or make you suicidal. Just try things. Anxiety meds helped (xanax).... sorry to go on, I'm just passionate about this! Change is inevitable. Your life will change a billion more times before you die. Take this as a dip in your ebb and flow of life. Here's to hoping you find a change that suits your needs soon. Don't give up! ♥ !!!!

Carissa - posted on 05/01/2012

1 month after i had my son, i was diagnosed with PPD. I had it really bad. I wanted nothing to do with my son, i was always crying, anything and everything would make me cry, it was bad. but i survived because i was surrounded by people who understood and who loved and supported me. what you need to do is surround yourself with people who are going to support you and help you through this. it is not easy and it will be difficult, but you will and can get through it. have faith in yourself :)

Kimberly - posted on 04/21/2012

Kim you by no means are the only person to have a bad case of PPD and you have already done the right thing by asking for help. I personally have never been on Lexapro but I have been living with PPD for almost three years now. I knew as soon as I had my daughter that I had it but I tried to convince myself that I didnt have it, at my six week check up I was told I had it. I didnt want to go onto meds as I was breastfeeding so I started seeing a counler which did help. Finally after 18 months I stopped nursing and went on to meds. It does take a bit for them to kick in and for your mood to lift so give it a chance to work. I found that getting to know your local chemist helps too as I often ask her questions, I have recently found out I am pregnant again and had to suddenly stop taking my meds which has rocked me for six. I am back where I started but I do know I can make it through this and that you can have your bad weeks then your good weeks. I found that talking to someone does help, even if it only on here, because alot of women have PPD but dont want to say they have it. Its not a failure or something you choose to have and the more we talk about it the more people will understand it. You will overcome this one day, its not always the easiest road but there is a balance that you will find. Just take each day one at a time and try to find one postive thing a day. Best of luck and it will get better with time