Celissa - posted on 06/21/2010 ( 1 mom has responded )
My son is almost three months old. When he was about two weeks old we moved to a new house. I was ok the first couple of nights but I spooked myself on a shadow that ended up being my sons swing and apparently it shot my nerves. Ever since I've been scared and can't stay alone. I keep thinking my house is haunted. I feel like an idiot, because I know it's not. When that happened I started getting very lonely and was unable to be alone pretty much at all. I'd cry every time my husband left for work, when he was home for the weekend I couldn't enjoy it because I was dreading him going back and I had a constant nervous feeling all of the time, it was causing me to not eat much and giving me stomach problems. I would get an anxious feeling every time our son would cry and I was having trouble sleeping knowing I was going to have to get up with him in a couple hours. My husband mentioned that I might have postpartum depression and insisted that I go to the doctor. I thought it was just the move, since I was scared of the house but hubby insisted that it probably was really my PPD and it was just manifesting in that way. We went to the doctor and he prescribed me Pristiq. It didn't help. I was on it for about a month and it did help a little bit but I still couldn't stay alone. I was going to my moms two days a week and my MIL was staying with me for two nights, and then hubby was home the other three (He works nights, 4pm to 3am).
I tried to stay alone last Sunday by myself without the baby because I had felt some better. I did ok, but was still a little frightened and couldn't sleep. The next night my MIL stayed with me until the baby went to sleep and then left and I did ok but was still scared and couldn't sleep like the previous night. The third night I tried to stay completely alone with my son and I freaked out. I stayed alone for about an hour and then got an overwhelming feeling of loneliness and started crying. I called my sister and she, my mother and other sister came up and sat with me for a while. When they left I was ok for about an hour and then got very scared and couldn't sleep at all until my husband got home. Once he was home I was ok. We were discussing some problems I was having with some things family were doing and I got a little upset. Everything was pretty much fine again, but I still felt bad and all of a sudden I got an overwhelming feeling of confusion and despair. I started bawling and felt like I was literally going crazy, I just wasn't myself. I felt like I had no control over my own thoughts. My husband got me semi calmed down and took the baby to his mothers so we could talk and I could get some sleep. I was still in hysterics when he got home and we talked and he eventually calmed me down and informed me I had a panic attack, or what he assumed was one. I didn't remember but a couple things and hubby told me the worst of it I wasn't remember. I fell asleep and slept the majority of the day. He insisted I go to the doctor so the next day I did and they switched me to a very mild dose of Xanax and Celexa for the depression. I've only been on it a few days so I'm not sure if it's helping. I'm also at my mothers this week while hubby is at work.
I feel like a horrible person. I get so irritated because all I want to do is take care of my family. I love my son so much and we tried for so long to have him and want him so badly and I can't even completely enjoy my new family. I feel bad because my husband is having to be without us for so many days a week because my mother lived 30 minutes away and I can't drive back and forth and she's the only one that really makes me feel better other than my husband. In addition to that I'm terrified I'll have another panic attack. That was the worst feeling in the world and I know if I ever had one when it was just me and the baby I couldn't properly take care of him. I know I'd never hurt him but I'm not positive I would have the sense to call someone to come and help me in that situation, which only amplifies my not wanting to stay alone. On top of that I feel stupid that I'm scared of my own house and I do feel like it has to do with my PPD but I feel like I'm the only one this has ever happened to. My husband is great and very supportive but I feel bad for putting all of this on him. He's trying to switch to days so that I can maybe stay alone (I do better during the day although not great). I just feel like a burden and like maybe I should have just kept this to myself and learned to deal with it. I feel like no one understands except for my family and my husband because his mother never had any of this happen and I feel like they're judging me, although they really good people and I'm sure they're not. I just want to be better. I just want to take care of my family and enjoy my baby.
Does anyone else feel that way? Has anyone else had their PPD manifest in something that really didn't make sense?