trying to cope with recent miscarriage after have a tubal reversal

Tara - posted on 12/13/2009 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I have three children (ages 14,11 & 9) from a previous marriage & have been married to my 2nd husband for 5 years (together 8 years). I had a tubal ligation done after having my 3rd child not knowing that life would lead me into a new direction.
My husband, Chris & I have studied and researched tubal reversal doctors, medical insurance benefits & the pros & cons of having a tubal reanastamosis (reversal) done in order for us to have a child together. We found a doctor in our area who performed the reversal for us in Sept. of this year ('09). We were elated that we were able to conceive so quickly after the surgery. On November 20, our 5 year wedding anniversary, the home pregnancy test showed a positive result. I surprised my husband that evening @ dinner by giving him a fortune cookie with a fortune that read, you will be a daddy in nine months.
My OB/GYN monitored my HcG levels every other day and performed 5 ultrasounds within two short weeks to monitor the development & ensure that an ectopic pregnancy would not occur. For 3 weeks we worried, became excited, then started dreaming & making plans of how our household would change with a little baby in the house. We were so happy when the doctor confirmed that there was a sac that had developed in my uterus and that I was not at risk of having an ectopic with this pregnancy.
Sadly, early Friday morning (Dec. 11) we lost our little one @ 7 weeks old. I am still trying to wrap my mind around it for it has only been 48 hours. I am so sad that the man I told would be a father for the first time will no longer get to live that out. In nine months there will be no baby. (& I can't bring myself to even think about wanting to try for another one. At this point the fear is to great !)
It also makes me so sad that we worked so hard and went through surgery to have my tubes reversed and suffering a loss of our child is the experience we had. The range of emotions that my husband & I feel are confusing. We go from crying to laughing to angry to confused and back to crying. I have found it extremely difficult to "live life as normal" but I feel as though our other 3 children need that so they don't feel negative affect from this tragedy.

Is there anyone with a story that is similar or can give insight on how to climb this mountain that is ahead ?

Sad through the holidays,

Tara

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Tara - posted on 01/15/2010

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Thank you Amy & Leonie for your replies. I appreciate that you have taken time to share your stories with me. It helps to know that although this is a difficult time in our lives we have each other to express our sadness & share similar stories with others who understand. I would like to send my condolences for your loss. Both of your stories touched me in a very special way & I thank you for caring enough to share them.

My husband & I are back in reality now that the holidays are over. In a way, I would say that losing our baby right between Thanksgiving & Christmas was a positive thing because it kept our minds off of the sadness & being around family helped us to remain strong. However, the negative to losing our baby @ that time of year is that we are finding now that we are 2 weeks into this new year people have settled into their own lives & seemed to have forgotten the difficult feelings that we are still facing. The feeings of loss are raw. My husband & I have both had moments when we struggle (so far not at the same time which has worked out to have the other as a pillar of strength & there for support) & it seems as though the sadness for this loss will never go away. Whether we are walking through the baby dept of a store or see a baby when we are out it is a constant reminder of our loss.

As for the cause of the miscarriage, I have tried not to dwell on the "why this happened" aspect too much but I have read that the Thyroid (if not treated) can affect the development of the baby. I do have a Thyroid condition, however; it is treated & monitored quite closely. I would like to rule that out as a cause but it is in the back of my mind. That creates a concern for when we try for another baby. I just don't want to go through another miscarriage.

Our doctor has said that we can try for a baby once my body gets back on track & my cycle is predictable again. Emotionally & Physically........We are not there yet.

Did either of your husbands have a difficult time coping with the loss?
My husband & I have a wonderful relationship but a week ago he changed. He almost became like a defiant child wanting to call the shots the way he saw it & disregarded me. After 2 weeks of us trying to sort out the cause of his feelings he spoke with me last night and said that he has been doing some reading & that he could relate to the author who wrote of a miscarriage that he suffered. My husband said that as he read this story things started to hit home, they sounded familiar to him. He admitted that the last 2 weeks has been a result of keeping his emotions to himself & not dealing with the reality of the loss. He is angry because he sees people with children of their own & they do not cherish the gift that they have been given. They mistreat the child's mother, they mistreat the child. It bring him great sadness that people who he feels do not deserve to have these children have them but Chris who has never had a child of his own can not even have one.

My age comes into play since I am 35 now & according to my dr. since I had a tubal reversal my best chance to become pregnant is 6 months after the surgery. I had the surgery in Sept. which puts us with 4 months behind us already & only 2 more months to try. ugh, there are so many factors involved that mostly evoke fear & sadness & anger. I hope the dr is wrong & I have a little larger of a window than that.

Thanks for taking the time to read this & once again appreciate your stories. They are very helpful in walking me through this process.

Wishing only the best & happiness for you & your family!
Tara

Leonie - posted on 12/15/2009

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I had a son from my first marriage when I remarried to an amazing guy. He had never been married before, never had kids before, and in fact there were NO grandchildren in his family at all until I came along. When we fell pregnant, just before our wedding we kept it quiet and announced it at the Reception. We were so happy, but all along I felt something was wrong/different. I put it down to me being older and not having been pregnant for so long.
We had spotting at 11weeks, and 15weeks which after a scan discovered there had been twins but one had not developed properly and the sac was leaking blood. I was told that there was no need for worry.
My placenta developed an infection at 23 weeks that induced Labour. Nothing that we did could stop it. Plan A then Plan B then C! Our baby girl was coming! It was New Years Day!
Our Zara Rose was born at 8.40pm on 01/01/05 and bravely fought for 22minutes.
There are NO WORDS that can make you feel better. That feeling of failure for the man you love, it's only you that feel it! I caused my husbands family so much pain. Their first grandchild was gone. All those expectations and promises were gone with her!
It's coming up to 5years now and I still feel it, although I have had two more girls since!
Please don't write off trying again! Yes! Give yourself time, but I fell with my next baby 8weeks later, although I didn't know until I was 14weeks along! I like to think that Zara was clearing the way for her sisters! She is such an Angel watching over us all, as I'm sure your little one is!
Bless you and your family Tara!
If you need someone to chat to about anything, ESPECIALLY on the hard days - I will be here!
Leonie
XXXXXXXX
lbrown@vtown.com.au

Amy - posted on 12/14/2009

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I'm SO sorry for your loss! I haven't been in your situation, but wanted to let you know your not alone. I recently had a miscarriage and the baby stopped developing at 6 1/2 weeks (didn't know till a bout 11 weeks). After doing a lot of research and talking to a lot of women, it seems that around the 5-7 weeks or so is the most common time to miscarry. I also read that most women will have at least 1 miscarriage in there lifetime. You have already had 3 children, by having a few kids already the chances increase just because so many pregnancies end in a miscarriage.



It's really hard to get your hopes up, and find out somethings wrong like that. I'm not sure if it's true or not, but to me it seems like having a pregnancy even after having the tubes un-tied that that wouldn't cause you to miscarry at 7 weeks. Don't give up hope yet, just try to figure out what you and your husband want now. I've heard a lot of women say that they wait over a year before trying again because it's just hard to handle going through it all again. You and your husband need to figure out what is best for your family, then when you have you can always explain it all to your children. Regardless of there age they'll know what's going on. My 19 month old son has been treating me much better, and just cuddling with me like he know's that that's just what I need now.



I also suggest you discuss with your dr the situation and see what they say. Do you know if they have any idea what caused it? (Most miscarriages they never know what caused them, they just happen). Ask what the risks are of having another miscarriage if you decide to try again. Ask what kinds of things you can do to try and help one from not happening again (although it sounds like they did everything). Sometimes just knowing this information can help you move on. I'm meeting with a midwife in a week and a half to discuss what's next for me and my husband (we decided we want/need to try again right away, after my cycle returns).



I know my situation is different, and everyone deals with the loss of a child differently, but just know your not alone, and that if you do want to have another child, women have done it, there is always hope. Also, since it's the holidays, just try to keep upbeat by focusing on everything. We found out about the miscarriage the day after thanksgiving (It would have been the day before if the lab was open that day), and we just thought about how thankful we were for what we had, even if we didn't still have this baby.



On a side note, I found that there don't seem to be a lot of active members on this form and found that http://www.medhelp.org to have a fairly active miscarriage group, you can always try on there as well to find more women who have been through what you have.

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