will it ever stop hurting so much?

Tina - posted on 09/21/2011

Mandy,
I too lost my little girl, although I still birthed her at 38 weeks. Hearing you say you're mad at God concerns me, especially after you whispered "It's in your hands now". The only thing that got me through my ordeal, is believing that if God took her, then there must have been a reason. Maybe he saved her from a lifetime of suffering that was to come. Maybe he saved you from a lifetime of caring for a child with a severe disability. God only knows. Don't be mad at God. We can't understand why some things happen but try and have faith that they were for the best even if it does hurt like hell when they happen. My blessed little Angel would have been almost 4 by now and I thank God every day that he's blessed me with her little brother who's now 2.5.

Have faith. Be Strong. And God Bless.

Mandy - posted on 03/28/2011

My little Amber would've been 8 and Sarah would've been 4 months .... the pain doesn't go away. I remember both of them everyday. The only thing that keeps me going is my other 2 children (Kayly is 10 and Megan is 6). I live for them. But the wondering of what my 2 angels would've looked like, what they would've been like hurts me every day as I will never know. I have tons of guilt, esp over Sarah. NICU phoned us early in the morning when Sarah was 5 days old to ask us to please come in as the doctor said it would be best .... my heart broke in 2. It was very touch and go all day. I couldn't handle seeing her in so much pain. I had prayer chains going via facebook and sms. Eventually I handed it all over to God and said "your will be done, I really want her in my life, but you know what is best". Within an hour of saying that she passed away. It hurt so much cos I felt if I had just kept hoping and praying she would still be here. Needless to say, I haven't been to church as I am too upset with God ... I know that sounds terrible, but I really wanted her .... she was my baby and He took her away from me .... :'( I am still living on tranquilisers and battling to be around other people who have had babies. I love her so much! I understand how your are feeling, cos I feel the same. I keep wondering if I did enough to protect her and save her.

Amanda - posted on 03/20/2011

i dont think how far along you were in your pregnancy counts for anything because regardless of you being 6wks or 36wks that baby is still your child and is part of you so i do understand how it feels. i was her mum whos job is to nourish, protect, nurture and keep her safe until she was ready to join the outside world but i couldnt keep her safe. i keep going over my pregnancy to see if i should have done something differently or felt that something was wrong with her. she would have been turning 5 on 30th june this year and its still hurts just as much as it did when we were told we had lost her. all i want is to have her back but no amount of wishing or praying is going to make that happen.

Meredith - posted on 03/20/2011

Hi Amanda,
I am so sorry for your loss. NEVER feel that you let Aria down! I only had a miscarriage which was hard enough so I can only imagine how you feel. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs, Meredith