What is a healthy way to deal with abusive husbands sexual advances?

(Rev.) Marissa - posted on 11/11/2012

Not Telling - So much for "if you can't say something nice, don't open your mouth!" How rude and disrespectful can you possibly be?!



It's obvious that you have not had experience with sexual abuse. This woman is reaching out for appropriately helpful suggestions...not judgmental comments from a lack of understanding. And so, because of your ignorance on the subject, it would probably be better for you not to even comment here.



Living with an abuser, especially one who takes advantage of you sexually is a kind of horrid prison that no one but a survivor/victim can comprehend...it eats away at your very soul and, yes, robs you of whatever sense of self-worth and self-esteem you may have had.



I respectfully suggest that, before you judge, you take a step back and try putting yourself in this woman's shoes. Then, thoughtfully decline to put your foot in your mouth and chew vigorously!

(Rev.) Marissa - posted on 03/05/2012

Let me clarify something here:



In my above post, I am not advocating that you leave your husband. I AM advocating that you do what it takes to protect yourself and your son. If leaving an abusive environment is what it takes, then that's what you do. But no one can make that decision for you. Here's why:



If you choose to leave, you have to be resolved that that's the best thing for you and your son's safety. If you are not resolved in that decision for yourself, you will go back time and time again. If you choose to leave, you'll question your decision many times but that resolve is what will keep you grounded in knowing you did what you felt you had to do.



I hope that makes sense.

(Rev.) Marissa - posted on 03/05/2012

Li,



I want to echo what Vivian said about this NOT being your fault! An abuser abuses because they choose to, not because of their victim. Abuse is a choice. You hit the nail on the head when you said that your husband wants power and control over you. Just like every snowflake that falls from the sky is unique and special, so are you! There is no one else like you and you do not deserve abuse!



You are not alone! 1 in 4 women will be abused in their lifetime. But...there is hope. You don't have to live in fear forever.



I am a domestic violence survivor now advocate and community trainer. I have a website with a wealth of resources for you. Please go to the website's "resources" tab. www.signalonministries.org



My ex-husband is a porn and sexual addict. Because of this, I spent my marriage being sexually abused and raped. If I had stayed, he would have started doing the same things to my son that he was doing to me. That is the nature of the addiction...it always progresses, never regresses (without intense therapy). My ex eventually admitted to molesting at least 5 children. This would be the #1 reason to separate yourself from your husband. (My website also has information about porn addiction and abuse.) If you think about it: do you want your child to grow up to be like your husband, to be abused himself or to think that abuse is normal?



If you do decide to leave, PLEASE see the "Safety Plan" on my website BEFORE you do so!



Abuse does not get better, no matter how hard you try to fix things...because the abuse isn't really about you; it's about your husband having control. There is a pattern to abuse...more information on this on my website.



A note on therapy: an abuser and victim should NEVER go to therapy together. It becomes a vehicle for further abuse. There is no amount of praying harder, having more faith or loving your husband more that will make him change!



Please feel free to message me if you have any questions. I'm here if you need me.



- m

www.signalonministries.org

Vivian - posted on 04/17/2011

I have been where you are at and am proud to say that am am very blessed to have gotten out of such a bad marriage. I left my husband after our son was born and was gone for 1 1/2 years. He convinced me that he had changed and I went back to give it a chance and for my son to have a father. By the time I realized he had only gotten worse, I was pregnant with our daughter. he came home one early morning in a rage and nearly killed me and my unborn child. By the grace of God we survived and he went to prison for almost 2 years. That was over 28 years ago. i raised my 2 children alone and did the best I could with no support system. But I would not change a thing. It was hard to be a single parent but I did it. No one deserves to be abused in any way. My children's father has never seen his children since. Has made no attempt to communicate with them. They are okay with this as this is the only thing they know. He has never seen his daughter. It bothered me for a long time but I have overcome that. I am their parent and am proud of that. i know the cycle would have continued if I had stayed. I broke that cycle for me and my family. I work hard every day to help my grand chilren not have to endure any abuse and to know no one deserves it. we are all children of God and He would not expect us to allow anyone to treat us badly. This is not YOUR fault. Accept no blame for what your husband's choices in life are. Save yourself and your son before it is to late. Go to your local women's shelter for advice on how to get out. I have been involved with my local shelter's most of my adult life and they are there for you. No you are not alone like I was so many years ago. REACH out for what is freely given from the heart. DO SOMETHING BEFORE IT IS TO LATE!! With Love from a friend.