Jen - posted on 05/03/2011 ( 20 moms have responded )
That may seem like a no-brainer but when you're in the throes of it, that's all you can say.
I've been dealing with serious chronic pain since October 12, 2008. I woke up with pain like a kidney infection and went to the doctor the next day. I've been hospitalized, been injected, been poked, prodded, misdiagnosed with Crohn's Disease, put on wrong medication, etc. I'm just so damn tired of it all!
I left my abusive husband in September 2009 and have been working hard as a single mother ever since. There's no income but mine and I'm trying to raise my son (not the abusive jerk's son thank goodness). I have FMLA but it doesn't pay.
I'm sick to death of doctors who tell me they don't know the answers but here take this. I've been on so many drugs since this started. I haven't gone a day without narcotic pain medication for almost 3 years.
When the pain hits, it's like being in labor again. It's crampy or it's sharp throughout my lower abdomen and my lower back. I've had a colonoscopy which revealed nothing but the stupid doctor told me I *might* have Crohn's and put me on Pentasa for a year and half before I said ENOUGH and got a second opinion from a guy who looked at me in confusion and said that NOTHING in my colonoscopy even remotely resembled Crohn's. He took me off that medication and I resumed a normal diet (long story there). I've lost track of the medicines I've taken. I've learned that Gabapentin makes me sleepy like no one's business. Lyrica turns me into a brainless boob. Pentasa made my hair fall out. Prednisone gives me insomnia. Percocet made me stoned. Now I'm on morphine which gives me hallucinations and FATIGUE FROM HELL!
I've had more ER visits than I can count and I refuse to go to an ER ever again unless taken against my will. The last one (I was having a SEIZURE) had a nurse who thought it was funny to imiate my body shakes at the nurse's station. They treat me like a drug addict and I never take more medication than I'm supposed to - NEVER!
I've had spinal injections from a pain mgt doctor who thought it coudln't hurt to try. They did nothing but were so painful that I threw up.
Nobody knows what's wrong with me. I've seen the psychiatrist who said yes indeed I'm a messed up woman (Borderline Personality Disorder) but fortunately also said my pain was real and my depression will go away if I can get rid of it. Trouble is my regular doctor told me to my face that I'm simply going to have to live with this because they can't find what's wrong.
I've been to a urologist, obgyn, neurologist, gastroenterologist (2 different ones), spinal surgeon and pain management. Who else do I try now?
My work is wonderful to me but even they only have so much patience and my coworkers (also wonderful) have to take up the slack when I'm either in too much pain or too exhausted to rise from bed.
Then there's my poor kid. He'd had to help me to bed, pick me up off the floor when I'm so exhausted that I fall. He's had to learn how to shift for himself. Some of its' good, he's learned how to cook (and is really good at it, you should try his roast beef). He's learned how to take care of laundry and does his chores to keep the house clean. But I feel terrible. I never have the energy to take him anywhere - even his tae kwon do classes.
I can't date because who wants to date someone like me? I never know if I'll be able to pay my rent from month to month. I keep the internet only because I sometimes work from home when I'm too sick to go in but ok to handle phone calls (I work for an HMO in the call center). My family can't help. My father is in an assisted living facilty and has a form of dementia. My mother is also chronically ill. My oldest brother lives in another state and he would't be any help and my other brother is out of town for work pretty much all year round. My friends can only do so much and I hate to ask them for more. I dont' talk about my illness with anyone because after almost 3 years ,who wants to hear it? I can't go to counseling because I have massive trust issue with mental health professionals (due to trauma as a child and my BPD). I feel so alone all the time and there's no end in sight.
I used up all my savings last year for the divorce and other legal issues from the ex. I have virtually NO money for my son's education. His father faithfully pays his child support but that ony goes so far.
I'm just so depressed.
I just needed to vent -thanks for listening.