Getting Over an Argument

[deleted account] ( 9 moms have responded )

I'm very angry with my husband right now, and I need to get over it quick because I don't have time to waste on this.
Here is what happened. I'm stressed out. I've had a rough couple of weeks and with J being out of school I don't get many breaks.

My MIL calls today (Thurs) and asks if she can take J to a late lunch and have him spend the night, and J has been BEGGING to go visit her all week, so I say yes.
Meanwhile, my husband is planning a motorcycle ride on Saturday with some work clients, so he calls MIL to ask if J can spend Friday night and if she can take him to TKD practice on Sat. She agrees, but this makes two nights in a row with MIL.
I then get a call from DH who is upset that J is going to be spending so much time with MIL over the next two days. The first words out of his mouth were "So I guess J is living at Mom's house now?"
I told him I agreed to let him go today because he'd been begging for time with her all week (I had only learned about the motorcycle ride AFTER I made plans with MIL for today). He responded "Way to put your foot down..." implying that I let J call the shots and had only let him go with MIL today because he begged. Keep in mind, I had no idea about the motorcycle ride, MIL hasn't had him over in nearly a month, and I've had a REALLY CRAPPY couple of weeks.
Throughout the conversation, he kept making remarks that I took as snide, passive agressive comments attacking my parenting. When I called him out on them, he would respond "That's not what I'm trying to say." but when I asked him exactly what he did mean by the remarks, he essentially rephrased the same comment, and it was still pretty much saying I need to put my foot down with J and not let him do what he wanted, and that he "knows summer is tough with keeping J occupied" but we have to step up and deal with it--essentially implying that I was wrong for wanting a break this afternoon. Also, I did mostly want the break, but I also planned to get new tires on our car and was hoping to spare J the boredom of sitting in the autoshop wait room for an hour and half, and I am wrong for that too.

So now I'm pissed off at him and I need to get over it because I really don't want to spoil our evening being cold toward one another. I also don't want J to have to deal with the stress of us being at odds.

He "apologized" but I didn't feel it was a heartfelt apology. I felt, at that point, he was just saying what he hoped I wanted to hear.

So how do I get over it? I want him to know that I am angry with him, I want him to respect my ability as a parent, and I want us both to be happy by this evening.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

9 Comments

View replies by

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/13/2013

9,152

21

2000

well, honestly, this momma's a little stressed. I know he'll be fine, but he's my baby...not the baby of the family, but still!

I've almost lost him to medical issues a few times, so I think that makes it harder on me too. I'm trying not to be emotional in front of him...LOL...because that makes him feel bad. To top it off, he's going through a stressful time at work with a new manager that's got him "in his sights"...and has told the floor managers to start writing him up for stupid shit...so he's worried about his job. He's a superb employee, and this new manager is just picking nits with him, and we tried to give him good advice about handling it...you know the whole "do your job 120% by the book, continue to be helpful and polite, and let the manager stew in his own juices". But, in reality, I want to take that new manager down...LOL

And it really doesn't help when his dad mentions stuff from when he was little...LOL...then I get really teary!

But it's going well overall. He's excited, has his buddies lined up to help him, and asked me to help him "organize", which made me feel needed

[deleted account]

I was just wondering this morning how things were going with moving him out. That's got to be a turmoil of emotions! Happy, exciting, heart breaking, scary, all at once. I don't want to even think about the day J moves out!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/12/2013

9,152

21

2000

OH heavens no, my dear, definitely not alone!

now...LOL...look for me in a couple of days after I set kiddo up in his new place...I'm sure to be sobbing my heart out...

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/05/2013

9,152

21

2000

Oh, Kelly...I'm sorry, but I really just had to giggle at your laundry example!

Mine would shove theirs either in the closet or over stuff their drawers rather than folding things so they'd fit...Here I was thinking "Hey, this is really working"...until I had a "mom cleaning day" in their rooms and discovered all of the hiding places!

But I'm so glad that you got out rafting! We haven't made that trip in a couple of years and I miss doing it...maybe next summer...LOL...

Will chime in with more later...now have to help RB get his stuff together to move into his new place!

[deleted account]

We had a couple more scuffs last week, but we took this weekend away to go whitewater rafting with J and Dh's Sister & her family, and that has helped. I love them--she's really cool and easy to talk to, but sometimes I feel like I have to defend myself as a sahm to her.

Dh came home a couple of days last week and I was REALLY stressed because J has been sort of "acting up" -- not being openly defiant, but we have two main issues:
First, when I tell him to do something, he will often respond "Just a second!" or "Ok!" but gets distracted before he gets around to doing what I asked. Simple little things that he should know to do without being asked, like put his dish in the kitchen, or get his socks out of the floor, so I'm frustrated that I've been having to ask him to do them several times before he does them---it would be faster for me to just do it for him, but I'm trying to teach him responsibility.
Second, he is "Half@$$ing" some of his tasks. For example, I give him his folded laundry to put away, he takes it, then informs me it's done. Then I discover that he's just thrown it all on the closet floor, so I have to stop everything and make him fix it. I asked him to clean his room, and he did, but I later found nerf guns, shirts, pencils, and several other items that he'd just shoved into his PJ's drawer when I told him to clean up. These things happen daily, those are just a couple of examples.

So, I'm venting to Dh, trying to figure out solutions to these issues and he tells me, "He (J) is not picking up because you are a pessimist. You don't have faith that he'll pick them up, but if you BELIEVE he'll do what you tell him to, he'll do it."
I was so dumbfounded by the fact that such an intelligent man could say something so incredibly stupid that I could barely respond. I tried to explain that I DID have faith in him the first time I ask, and even the 2nd or 3rd, but by the 4th time, yes, I'd lost faith. I shouldn't have to keep asking. We kind of spun in circles there--I could not for the life of me explain to him that if "believing he would do it when I ask him to" didn't work the first three times, it wasn't going to work the 5th or 6th times either.

Later he said, "I don't see this behavior, maybe I should look at the footage" (referring to our security cameras). I took this as a major insult--I thought he was implying that I was making it up or exaggerating it. He SAYS he just wanted more insight into what J was doing, an objective, third person view of the situation, but I'm not sure whether I believe him or not.

We parted ways to cool off, and I do remember him coming back and saying he was sorry for being insensitive, and that he was sorry he couldn't figure out a way to help, but I don't remember us ever coming to a solution before bed. The next day we left for our trip, and Dh finally got a taste of what I was talking about with J....

[deleted account]

"The more I try to point it out, the worse it gets..." Shawnn

YESSS!!! That is exactly what was happening. I would explain why what he said was offensive, and he would try to reword it to make it better and end up saying something twice as bad as the original! I was then getting angry not just over what he said, but the fact that he doesn't understand why I'm angry about what he said.
Eventually, he just said "What do you want me to do to make this better?" and I had no idea what to say!! So then I was mad at myself as well because I had no idea how to fix it (because by that point I had given up on the idea that he was ever going to understand why I was mad, which is what I really wanted).

J is 8 years. DH does love spending time with J, and I love that, but we've been apart for more than 2 nights before, and we haven't had many evenings alone this summer due to scheduling issues, so I was kind of looking forward to a "date night" even if it was just sitting at home watching a movie. DH later said he wanted him home so they could work on this Lego set I destroyed a few months ago when J left it in the floor and I stepped on it. It's one of those huge 1500 piece sets (who gives a then 7 year old a 1500 piece lego set????). They started rebuilding it this week, and I think DH was tired of having the mess on the dining room table and didn't want to give up a night of working on it. He could have just told me that. I'd have called MIL and told her John wanted J home this evening. No big deal.

I ended up calling MIL and having her bring J home after the lunch, and DH didn't even spend much time with him. After I couldn't figure out what he needed to do to fix things, he left and went shopping :P That was my fault, I guess. On the plus side, he did buy me flowers and a bottle of my favorite whiskey, which I never buy because it's overpriced and I'm cheap, and he made me a drink in my favorite glass. Sounds stupid, I know, but it was a sweet gesture that I know he thought about--there is a special memory connected to that whiskey in that glass.

So, it's all good now, but it was a rough evening. I don't mind arguing--I get that we're going to fight, I just hate how it went in circles and got my emotions all tangled up. I prefer arguing via email....I can handle that. Think stuff through, you know? I'm pretty sure he never would have written the mean words he said if he'd had to take a moment to think about typing them out. He'd have seen how awful they sounded before hitting send. I think anyway.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/26/2013

9,152

21

2000

Oh, Kelly, I'm sorry...I hate that snipey passive aggressive shit! LOL...but you did well, my dear, you did well...I'd have sniped back at him with "And she's YOUR mother, so what's the problem?" LOL

How old's J again?

Ok, here's what I'd do (yes, I'd be seething, totally)...After 23 years, I've learned that my husband doesn't always understand that what he MEANS to say and what he says sometimes are two different things, and sometimes, the more I try to point it out, the worse it gets. So, I take the 'apology', give myself some quiet time with a beer or glass of wine, and agree with myself that the conversation is over, and I am ready to move on...and then kind of bite my tongue a bit until the chill wears off.

Not that my husband is an asshole, or anything, but he's on some pretty messed up painkillers for his disability, so I have to keep that in mind with some of our interactions. And, yes, I have been known to mutter (after he leaves the room) "What the fuck is the big deal????" Little mini vent, and that usually helps me...LOL

For example, my "infraction" last week was forgetting to pack a belt for our whirlwind funeral trip for him. He set it on the bag, I set it back on his clothes, assuming that he'd just wear it...so, we get there, get ready, no belt, he kind of laughs it off, so I thought "cool, good med day today". But, no...2 days later, after we got home, he picks up the belt, says "is this the one you forgot to pack"...I said, "yes, it is, assumptions were made that were incorrect, oh well"...thinking that the funeral was 2 days ago, so we're past that issue, right? He says "how do you not pack something that's right on top of the damn bag..." So I gave him 'the look'...you know, the one that says "alright, bucko, you really wanna push it"??? LOL and he stopped. But, when he asked me later why I gave him that look, I did tell him that it was slightly ridiculous to bring up the trivial belt issue 2 days after the fact...and he humbly agreed.

Does your man really enjoy the time he spends with J, enough that having him gone 2 nights would be disturbing for him? That is one of the things with mine, when the boys were younger...he hated having them gone for more than a day or two because he'd start missing them. (of course that's obviously changed...LOL...he let them go road tripping this summer...)

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms