has anyone here left an abusive situation ?

CKO - posted on 05/27/2012

Coping is not the answer. Seek help. It will benefit you thee most and get some insight on how to prevent it from happening again. A lot of times with women that have been in abusive relationships they have a tendency to continue down the same path and at frst dont even realize it.

Abuse is not something that is easy to deal with it and without help you face things like anxiety and PTSD. Mental illnesses are not easy to deal with and if you get help right from the beginning its avoidable.

Sadly I did not seek help after mine, and I found that after the first it was a pattern for me. Over time I didnt think about it (so I thought) and it has actually caused serious damage. These are not things I want women around me to suffer from. I walked around with the whole attitude of I am NOT a victim.... I chose my path, but I was a victim. After 6+ years of this now I will be seeking help. I have gotten to a point where I can NO longer deal with this on my own.

I send prayers to those that are or have been in situations like any that are talked about. There is many many forms of abuse. Not just 1 2 or 3. Seek help please

Laurinda - posted on 05/21/2012

Just stay strong Hun , it just takes time . You need to take this time to rebuild your life. Find out what you want , and what you need . The GOOD news is it get easier and easier as time goes on . your self confidence will return as will your selfesteem . Best advice is try new things join a gym , find a local sporting group , or tai chi , dancing ,artclass , craft group anything different you will meet new people , make new friends . keep your mind active study , cook garden clean , walk in the park , just dont think of the past . Live your life today the here and now the present , that why today is a gift . Make goals and dreams for your future and take baby steps to work towards them , look thru holiday brochures , take a road trip , re write your resume and apply for a great new job . the more you do the better your life will be . Goodluck enjoy your new life one of freedom and choice .Get support form local councilling services , friends , and family or neighbours . Believe in yourself and your own inner strength !

Kali - posted on 05/20/2012

honey go out with your friends or to your parents, i left an abusive home and moved a state over, it's not easy you'll have nightmares and stuff, but you need to go get help for you.

Amie - posted on 03/14/2012

I did. there are domestic violence services which offer counselling. I also read the book how to mend a broken heart. keep yourself distracted, change ur house furniture around to just change surroundings or buy something to make a room look different like new bed cover. Its hard but dont give up. Delete the persons number and whenever you thinkof them pinch yourself as a distraction. Get counselling just to talk through the violence side, it really helps. Look in phone book there are lots of services.

Barb - posted on 03/13/2012

My ex bf was verbally abusive even after he called saying he wanted to talk about our daughter and he harass me and scream at me putting me down and calling me names. It was never about her. He was verbally abusive for 4 years before I left. I had to go through couselling and thearpy, but I eventually come to realize with the help of amazing friend who ended up being a father to my daughter and my new child. I was smart, everything he had done to me and said to me was all wrong, I could become more. It took me quite a while to get to a better place and realized I was better then he made me feel.

Julie - posted on 02/07/2012

Patrica Evans has just put out another book at the end of last year!! It has ways to cope and get healed.... worth a visit to the bookshop or Library or google on line.

Sharron - posted on 02/07/2012

Just back from a wonderful vacation to enter the war zone once again. How I'd love to run away from it all. I feel so upset, worried and frustrated that my daughter is tempted to go back once again into the relationship with her abuser and go with him to counseling. Also she is tempted to live with her new boyfriend as he is more than happy to have her in his home where he lives alone. Yikes!!!! They are already going on weekends together getting separate rooms in a hotel. She says they are not going to have sex until they are married. She can't get a divorce until next November. The abuser is living in the house and not paying the mortgage. He is crying, remorseful and doing whatever he can to get her back as his recent relationship with his girlfriend just ended. My daughter spent her entire GP appt. talking about her abuser's recent hospitalization. What more pain, suffering and abuse must she go through before she sees this man as the enemy he is. It is all so far beyond me to comprehend? My husband is no support at all and is the model of complete emotional detachment. It's her life and none of my business according to him. How easy to say!!!!!!!! Thanks for reading and your support. Sharron

Celine - posted on 01/26/2012

Im just getting out of an abusive relationship too its the hardest thing but we have to have courage and be strong. My family has been there for me and he hates the fact that he could never seperate me from them. I had moved in with my abuser but i always had my families back. If you have a close relationship with your family go to them and they will protect you. Theyre helping me now with my two children. Im ready to take control of my life I waisted 1 year and 9 months being with him and Im ready to get my life together again. Best of Luck!! We have to let go!!

Amie - posted on 01/25/2012

Yes and there are networks to help. Im in Adelaide South Australia and they have a service Domestic Violence service. Where ever you are there should be domestic violence helplines. Look in ur phone book or online- there is help out there plus private safe homes you can stay in. Good luck and stay strong, it will all be worth it in the end. OH and if possible Get Restraining Orders.

Julie - posted on 01/18/2012

Read thru previous...Also seek out Patrica Evans books in library or on line.

Sharron - posted on 01/18/2012

Thank you for your warning about a diagnosis of mental illness. The whole ordeal of 5 solid years of domestic violence is cause enough for any sane person to end up with symptoms of mental illness I think. She was suicidal, up till 2 am., having nightmares, working 4 jobs, wanting to cut herself, wanting to die, on and on. She is dating a psychiatrist and has her own psychiatrist so she has a lot of support as well as a social worker, sexual assault counselor and Salvation Army female pastor who is a sexual abuse survivor.



I have to put all the books away on domestic violence and abuse as they are only keeping my obsessive thinking going. I am sleep deprived and enmeshed with my daughter and what she is going through. I have to detach or I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I am leaving for a holiday with my husband for 2 weeks in Florida so I'm not going to be on the internet but please feel free to write and I will respond as soon as I can. I appreciate your support. I can't depend on friends to help me through this. They have their own wagonload of problems. I am seeing a sexual assault social worker tomorrow and my therapist. I need to get some space from all this. I realize to call a "no contact" with my daughter an extreme reaction but I feel that I need to do this for now as I need a time-out from all the crazy-making insanity. She has lots of support. I am powerless over her choices and my life has become completely unmanageable. With gratitude, Sharron

Julie - posted on 01/17/2012

To Sharon who wrote about her daughter about to be diagnosed with bi-polar...please please be careful asoften the abused may appear so up and down that this is an easy option out, ie they have bi-polar or manic or another mental illness or state...when in fact it is the constant crazy making they have been under for years or even months....... and that is what it is called!!!!!!!!!!! Crazy making....look it up on ut ube.....and that is what the abuser subjects them too... they feel as if are walking on egg shells...trying to keep everything on a sane level...with no explosins ...very timeconsuming and waering as well as living on adrenalin...so not surprisng their energies and sanity appaer fragile!!!! Adrenalin of r emergency not 24/7.... look at the old movie Gaslight..bit on U tube.... old fsashion but the story was one of the first examples of emot and verb abuse recognised in theatre/moive.........please go carefully...maybe get hold of Patricia Evan`s new book!! Just out...about abusive behaviour and how to deal with people of this behaviour... especailly before you condemn someone to mental illness!! Just some thgts..

Go well and go strong.

God Bless.

Sharron - posted on 01/17/2012

Thank you so much for your feedback. Fortunately after 2 years of trying my daughter did not get pregnant. I am so extremely grateful. She and her abusive husband were applying to be foster parents. Can you imagine? My daughter is 31 years old and has 3 university degrees and is presently seeking a Phd in Occupational Therapy. She works with mentally ill clients full time. Now she is seriously mentally ill though she has yet to be diagnosed as bi-polar. She is on lethium. She is getting therapy from a sexual assault counselor, a social worker and has a psychiatrist. The man that she is dating is a psychiatrist. I wonder what his agenda is???? The police were notified when the life of a kitten was threatened. In other words my daughter considers the kitten of more value than she has for herself. After a 40 minute interview with the police where her abuser pleaded to being guilty on all charges, how this happened I don't understand, but the police came back to my daughter and said "What a nice guy!!!". Unbelievable. I feel so much anger about all this. I am a mess. My daughter said recently her abuser is feeling remorse and want to be friends. I am beside myself. I have gone for help to a sexual assault counselor at the hospital and I am also already in therapy for depression as my sister, father and best friend died recently. This is the worst nightmare of my entire life. Thanks for all your support. Sharron

Camie - posted on 01/15/2012

Hi Sharron,

I work as an advocate for a domestic violence/sexual assault agency. It is not uncommon for women who have lived through an abusive relationship to minimize and rationalize the behavior of their abuser. It would benefit your daughter to talk with an advocate about the cycle and dynamics of domestic violence, and process through the trauma with a counselor. We often see our clients wanting to jump into a new relationship so they don't have to think about the old one. Unfortunately it is often with someone just as abusive ("same guy, different face").



Your daughter's abuser sounds very dangerous, and I'm sure you realize his abusive ways were not because your daughter didn't want sex as much as he did. He believes it is his right to control and abuse her, and the fact that she is talking to him and dating someone else is a lethal combination. She is in a very dangerous situation. If there are children involved you have an obligation to report this as they are in physical danger (and have all ready been emotionally damaged by witnessing this abuse -- it literally changes their brain).



If your daughter refuses to get help, I would strongly encourage you to get counseling to help you cope with this situation. Many DV agencies have free counseling for primary and secondary (you would be considered secondary) victims of family violence. Learn about the dynamics and cycle of violence. And do not let her stay with you if she flees the same or another abusive situation as you will be putting yourself and others in your household in extreme danger. There are safe houses all over the United States that can be accessed by calling the National DV hotline. Good luck.

Katherine - posted on 01/15/2012

Sharron, so sorry your daughter is going through this! She may be suffering from PTSD, and a number of other emotional issues because of this. That's why she is giving these odd responses and going out with someone else already.



She needs serious therapy. I can't even IMAGINE what this has done to her! She must be a mess. How old is she? Would she go to therapy? She would even need to go to grief counseling. What has happened to your daughter is going to take just as much time to get through as it did for the abuse.



Did she go to the police? And have a rape kit done? I surely hope so because THAT man needs to be put in jail.



Again so sorry you are going through this.

Sharron - posted on 01/15/2012

Thank you for your post Kelly: My daughter has just emerged from an abusive relationship of 5 years. There was emotional, financial, sexual, verbal, psychological and spiritual abuse and she became suicidal, developed an eating disorder, worked 4 jobs, was showering at work because he would rape her in the shower. The abuse went on and on. She tried 4 times before to leave him and now has finally done it. I just found out the truth about all this 2 months ago. Now she is dating again and is all happy and excited while I'm reeling with grief, anguish and fear for her. She talks to her abuser and of course he denies and blames her for leaving or appears remorseful. She says he'll make a good husband to someone who wants lots of sex.????????? I hate this man. I hate what he has done to my daughter and yet my daughter doesn't think it's all that bad. I've never in my life gone through anything like this. Your feedback would be appreciated. Thanks so much. Sharron

Heidi - posted on 01/11/2012

Yes I did! 12 years ago this past Christmas I left a lying cheating abusive man for good. He tried to isolate from friends, and family, but the REAL turning point for me was on December 17th 1999, he pinned me down on my sons floor(who was 8 months old at the time) had a knife by my head and his hands around my throat saying "you know how easy it would be for me to fucking kill you". My son watched from his crib but thankfully he to this day he doesn't remember it because he was to young. That was it for me. That night he went out and didn't come back, so I called my twin brother and he came and got me and my son and I packed whatever I could into his jeep and never looked back.
Sure it was hard at first. Being alone with a baby, but it does get easier. Now I am happily married to the most amazing man I know.
But I will never ever forget that night for as long as I live.

Diana - posted on 01/06/2012

If you're worried about him following you, definitely talk with a counsellor who specialises in abuse issues. They will be able to help you through how to handle this in a manner to protect you. Including restraining orders, which no, aren't perfect, but they are helpful. Don't try to do this by yourself, you don't have to!

Diana - posted on 01/06/2012

I did this about 10 years ago now. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself, so congratulations to you!

It took me a while to get there, but the next thing I did that was incredibly helpful was therapy to understand how I got there (into the relationship) and how he convinced me it was all my fault and how wrong he was. Also, make sure you have good friends around you. I'm sure you do, since you had the strength to get out. Lean on them, they love you and they want you to be happy. I'd bet most of them (like my friends) saw how miserable you were, and wanted to help, but didn't know what to do.

there's so much I could say but the bottom line is to learn to stand again. to believe in yourself. to understand what you just went through, so you don't do it again. Therapy, absolutely, when you're ready for it. And no relationships for a while. Be with you. Learn who you are again. Change what you need to change inside. When you're happy again, truly happy inside, you'll be in such a better place, and you'll be away from the possibility of this happening to you again. Or at least you'll see it early enough that you get out when it starts, rather than staying long enough to be miserable. I had some fits and starts in the dating field, but I finally feel like I can see that type now, and avoid them. Yeah, 10 years... I had a lot of years to unlearn first though...3x that amount.

Be strong. Be well. You did the right thing.

Dusty - posted on 12/30/2011

I will tell you this from experience, it WILL get better. You may love the guy, but he very obviously doesn't love you. Remember that you are worth so much more than what you have endured from this monster. My oldest son's father beat me ONCE, & ONLY once. My younger sister also was in an abusive relationship, which she sadly stayed in for almost a year. I know it's hard to leave, & I commend you for doing the right thing. I will pray for you. Please remember that you will get through this, & you will be a stronger person by staying away!!

Lindzie Beachy - posted on 12/26/2011

Its very easy to go back and I hope you do not! please keep us updated!

Luvmia - posted on 12/23/2011

I left my ex husband when he was at work. I could not pack fast enough to get the hell out of there! I knew if I did not leave that eventually he was going to start beating me (one time he got in my face).

I was very much in an emotional rollercoaster. it seemed like everyone whom was there for me at first quickly turned their backs on me. So I did what I should have done in the first place - prayer. It took a whole lot of prayer and a lot of time for the healing process. I had to keep myself busy with new positive activities such as meeting new people, going to the library, shopping (retail therapy is wonderful. lol.) and talking to people whom understand.

Just know that things will get better for you by taking babysteps. Feel free to post here for support.

Julie - posted on 09/09/2011

Keep as far a way as possible, if you have chn and have to hand them over due to care laws , keep someone nearby at these times...have a meeting place out int he open ..piblic..read Patrica Evans books on Abusive Relationships....

Brittany - posted on 09/09/2011

Been there, done that, my oldest son is in Heaven because, of the abuse I endured.

Keep your chiny chin chin up babe! Jesus is on your side! You can do anything you want, no I am not saying that because, I think it is the right thing to say I am saying that because, I believe it. You have already asked for help, that is something most do not do for a long time!

I am here is you need me!

Jody - posted on 09/08/2011

know that what you did was the begininning of the rest of your life and that as long as you stay away and get as far from the situation as you can the better your life will be. I would also recommend therapy so that you can heal the parts that could drive you to another abusive situation. leave it and never look back!

Crystal - posted on 09/07/2011

Know that abuse is not love and by getting out you are loving your self so be proud that you have taken the first step in the healing process. I left two different men. First one I was married to for three years and decided he was going to kill me if I did not leave and then I would not be there for my son. The next I was married to for 13 years and the last 6 he made a nightmare. He never hit but he pused and called me names and told my children to call me names. The last straw was when he took it further than a push and choked me. I could not talk or eat solid food for two weeks becauses of a bruised Laranyx. Again I felst trapped because I had five children now and did not know what to do but I knew that my children should not be subjected to it and that everytime I let it go I was basically telling it was ok for him to treat me that way. He went to jail and had to move out. I survived and so did my children. If you need to talk message me here or send me a facebook message.

Amanda - posted on 09/05/2011

I haven't but I'd like to encourage you :) See a counsellor - you'll have grief and stress and most likely anxiety to work through. As much as you can, face up to the hurts and cry them out! Bit by bit, they should fade away. Get outside everyday for sunshine, fresh air, exercise. Meet up with old friends or make new ones. And are there any groups in your area who help abused women? They might run little courses for self-esteem and recovery. There's no overnight solution, but all these things help over time :) xoxo

Vanessa - posted on 09/02/2011

Yes, I left one 10 years ago. I now value my peace of mind above all and those of my children. Another website Cafemom has a group called "Mothers that Survived Domestic Violence." I encourage you to join the website and you'll find tons of information and support.

Camie - posted on 09/01/2011

Candice,
Please call the national domestic violence hotline for the agency nearest you. They can help. It IS possible to leave and start over. I work for an agency in the northwest, and we help women (and some men) start over every day. Good Luck!! Please call 1-800 - 799 - SAFE (7233) or go to www.thehotline.org.

Kelsey - posted on 08/27/2011

I left an abusive situation. It is really hard, especially if you only have a few close knit friends instead of a wide range of friends. If you can't depend on friendships and family to keep your backbone strong, I agree with Katherine. Keep yourself busy, find your past hobbies that you have forgotten about and remember to think positive of yourself. Remember that what you did is a VERY brave thing to do. A lot of women find it hard to leave a man, especially if they feel trapped financially or emotionally with that guy. You are a stronger, braver than ever for doing this and it will take time to heal. *hugs*

Madelyn - posted on 08/17/2011

1st off I give you all the respect and credit in the world to be smart enough to leave!!! How to cope?! you never look back, you keep yourself surround by good people and focus on you and your child! I have been there and it was the best thing I could have ever done, at the time I didnt have children thank god but I grew up in an abusive home and it effected alot of my teenage years. I'm so sorry you ever went thru anything negitive, but no matter how much you think you love this person love yourself more, enough to say that you will never allow them or anyone else treat you poorly. Move on with your life and find you a man eventually who will treat you with love and respect. You cant teach and old dog new tricks, so dont think that he will change and things can get better because it wont. and it he does change by the grace of god the damage is already done and it WILL be in your heart forever, you cant mend that! best of luck.

Lauren - posted on 08/15/2011

I have it was really difficult but well worth it. I had to move states to get away from him.

Nellie - posted on 08/14/2011

My story is most likely going to be a bit (or a lot) different then everyone else. I grew up in an abusive home, my father would do what he called "using necessary physical force to remove me from the property." As young as 8 years old, my brother would throw a plate at my head, I would go to my father and tell him to get a hold of his son, my father would throw me on the ground and drag me out by my hair. I opened up to several people at different times, and no one ever believed me, because my father was a well respected man in the community. I moved up North when I was 17, but then found out I was pregnant. A friend of mine convinced me to move back to my parents and I stupidly enough listened. I told myself that things would be different. Long story short, they weren't. My father was still abusive, one night he threw me to the ground and held a jacket over my mouth so I couldn't breathe. Even after I left and found an apartment of my own, I still didn't learn. I went 3 months with a total income of $0, because my maternity leave papers were still being processed. I was on the verge of getting evicted when my parents offered to help. I decided to give them another chance. My parents never actually tried to physically harm my daughter, but they constantly screamed and cursed in front of her, took her from me and refused to give her back, put her in extremely dangerous situations where she could have dies, and my brother was even worse. He's only one year younger then me by the way. He would throw tantrums and throw chairs in my daughters direction, threatened to throw a softball at her when she was 2 months old, etc etc. And then on top of that they would always twist it around to make it out to be my fault. They would guilt trip me and explain to me in a very calm and rational manner, how everything that went on was my fault...and I believed it. I kept telling them enough, not dealing with your s***t anymore, but they would break into my apartment, constantly call and email me, and explain how it was my fault. And during this time period, I had absolutely no one to confide in, nothing! I was all alone. I eventually manged to say enough and stick with it, but they still kept breaking into my apartment, so I took them to court to get a restraining order. I lost the case because I didn't have any witnesses, but they got the message and stayed away. So my advice to you is this: trust your instinct. Ignore your abuser when they guilt trip you and twist your words around (and he WILL!!!) And most of all, always put your children first! You know best, you have to ignore your abuser and listen to your instinct, something that I should have done a LOT sooner! It's NOT going to be easy, but I guarantee you, a couple months away from your abuser, you'll feel WAY better! Good luck!

Brandi - posted on 08/09/2011

yes...its been 7 years since i left...got my life together did what i needed for my kids....didnt trust men but then met a great guy a couple years after...got married...he adopted my girls and we have a son...moved to north carolina after the adoption was final and made a new start...it was hard but i was determined to keep my kids safe and give them a life they deserved =) good luck be strong

Jurnee - posted on 08/08/2011

I left the same abusive relationship more than once. Don't be embarassed to ask for and receive help. I would leave, but was afraid to tell anyone why, and then go back. When I finally left for good I let everyone know why, got an order of protection. Abusers are great at manipulating, dont let him. Get to a safe place, protect and comfort your children, and then work on a plan to becoming self sufficient on your own. Its a great feeling to be free and realize how strong and confident you can be. Good luck to you and your children.

SarahBeth - posted on 08/02/2011

Yep. You need to find your belief in yourself, and your self confidence again. The physical abuse is the least of it - you need to believe in yourself again. I was a wreck. I had no current job skills, and I believed that I was a borderline lunatic, and totally incompetent at everything.

My source was school. I went back to school to get a degree in my husband's area - and what I was good at. While there, I started tutoring and helping others. I have now held a part time job, concurrent with a full time job, for 13 years.

Find a way to help others, and you will realize what you have to offer. It does not matter if your path is volunteering at a homeless shelter, an animal shelter, or a museum, or if it is a paid job teaching, customer service, helpline, or something else. The important thing is to find someone to help, so you can believe in yourself.

SarahBeth - posted on 08/02/2011

Yup. The hardest part, really, is if the abuse is "only" mental and emotional. I was a wreck. I was totally incapable of dealing with anything. I believed I was incompetent and a borderline lunatic. I had no current job skills.

The best thing I did was go back to school, to get a degree in my husband's area. I knew computers already. Somewhere in the journey to an associates, I found the belief in myself that had been stolen from me. Now, I have a masters, and teach in the field of business and computers. I have held both a full time and a part time job for the past 13 years. Teaching while I was going to school, helping others, gave me confidence.

Find your own source to self confidence. Helping others, one way or another, is the best source. It keeps you busy. It teaches you how much you have to offer. It does not matter if YOUR source is volunteering at a school, or an animal clinic, or at a homeless shelter, or a paid job working on a helpline, customer service, sales, etc. The important thing is, you are doing something to help other people - and that helps you.

Kerry - posted on 07/29/2011

have u been put in a women refuge or have u gone 2 friends or family. all u can do is take 1 day at a time but it is harder if there is children involed. i have been thought it in the last 5mths myself for the second time. u need 2 stay strong ask for help from the council tell them beflier whats happened and should give u some advise.

Kelly - posted on 07/28/2011

I did a little over a year ago, he was controlling and sexually abusive towards me. I found support from my family, my dad let me move in to his house with my three children. then when i had enough money i moved into a little apartment. It is not easy and I am in therapy now. Even though it has been over a year, I still find myself going into what I call my "dark place" that is when all i do is work and sleep. that usually happens when my children are gone. If you have family go to them, they are all we have in this world. Get into therapy it truly helps. But most of all keep your head up and remember you are strong, you already did the hard part by leaving, now just keep going forward!

Julie - posted on 07/27/2011

Please look up Patrica Evans and get out her books or read snippets on line about Abusive men..emotionall and verablly.. What part of the country are you in?

Here`s a bit more about the non physical abuse that you might identify with.... will find some info to help you.

Below is not from P.Evans..but it also makes you aware about how bad it can get and you are not the crazy one... P EVans has good advice and techniques to heal too....



Another important book in understanding verbal abuse is one that describes the phenomenon of "crazymaking." George Bach and Ronald Deutsch wrote Stop! You're Driving Me Crazy.{2} They describe what the crazymaking experience feels like. This includes "feeling temporarily thrown off balance," "feeling lost and not knowing where to turn," and "being caught off guard."
A victim is often the target of angry outbursts, sarcasm, or cool indifference. The abuser's reaction to these actions is frequently cloaked in a "What's wrong with you?" attitude. She is accused of "making a mountain out of a molehill." Over time she loses her balance and equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy.
The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse for what it is and to begin to take deliberate steps to stop it and bring healing. Since the abuser is usually in denial, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse often rests with the partner.

Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
Now I would like to focus on some of the characteristics of verbal abuse as outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3} 1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner.
2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing.
3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate.
4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner's self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.
5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked, and thrown off balance by her mate's sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.
6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse, and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.
7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her.
8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface. Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with "accidental" shoves, pushes, and bumps.
These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse.
Categories of Verbal Abuse
The first category of verbal abuse is withholding. A marriage requires intimacy, and intimacy requires empathy. If one partner withholds information and feelings, then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated. The second is countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary. He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, "How dare she have a different view!"
Countering is very destructive to a relationship because it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate thinks about anything. Sometimes the verbal abuser will cut off discussion in mid-sentence before she can finish her thought. In many ways, he cannot even allow her to have her own thoughts.
A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is like taking a one hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one cent. Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse.
Sometimes verbal abuse is disguised as jokes. Although his comments may masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.
A fifth form of verbal abuse is blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting.
Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship. This has the effect of diverting the conversation and putting the other partner on the defensive.
Another form of verbal abuse is judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he is expressing his lack of acceptance of her.


Other Forms of Verbal Abuse
Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something that is said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Often the partner becomes confused and believes she hasn't effectively explained to her mate how important certain things are to her. Undermining is also verbal abuse. The abuser not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser often will squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment.
Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He manipulates his partner by bringing up her biggest fears. This may include threatening to leave or threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to escalate the abuse.
Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually calling someone "stupid" because she isn't as intelligent as you or calling her a "klutz" because she is not as coordinated can have a devastating effect on the partner's self esteem.
Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may involve both overt and covert manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to time, but the verbal abuser consistently does so. After the partner collects herself, subsequent to being yelled at, she may confront her mate only to find that he has "forgotten" about the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the promises they have made which are most important to their partners.
Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her like a slave or subordinate.
Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive.
That is why it is so important for the partner to recognize these characteristics and categories since the abuser is usually in denial

Danielle - posted on 07/10/2011

I did right before my son was born. He's 9 now and his father abused me when I was six months pregnant. He got jail time and I moved away from where I was living at the time. Hang in there!

Tamara - posted on 07/09/2011

How are you doing now?

I left my ex and went to a womens shelter, there you learn several things, how to recover, how to more forward, how to be independent. You are also safe there, most are hidden in plain site, the least likely places. They also help you get a restraining order and when you are ready to leave they help you find a place for you adn your kids.

Honestly until you have a restraining order its probably not the best idea to stay with family that he knows about. once you do you will be fine.

Good luck and you will be ok again. keeping you and your little one safe first then recovering next. Praying for you.

Jessica - posted on 07/08/2011

one day at a time?

Amanda - posted on 07/05/2011

I've done it. I was great, actually. Definatly look into a domestic violence or women's shelter. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) and they will set you up in a shelter. It's a free safe place for you and your children to stay. They have resources to protect you fom your abuser, help you get legal aid, assist you with court dates, and help you get on your feet and living safely on your own.

Carolee - posted on 07/04/2011

Make good use of women's shelters (and even homeless shelters). Do not stay at any one for too long. Get a restraining order, and inform everyone in charge of where you stay of your situation. If you have a mobile phone with GPS, disable it. Talk to the cops and ask what else you should do. (I'm assuming that he will physically harm you if he finds you.) I hope you stay safe.

Candice - posted on 07/04/2011

im just worried he will find out where i am and follow me :(

Tah - posted on 07/04/2011

I have..it's hard, but stay strong..

http://www.circleofmoms.com/just-debates...

Carolee - posted on 07/03/2011

I have had to leave multiple abusive relationships. The leaving is hard, the staying away is harder, and not getting into abusive relationships again is the hardest (at least it was for me). It CAN be done, and life after finding the right group of people to surround you is wonderful. There is always hope, and there are always people who can/will help.

Katherine - posted on 07/03/2011

I have. My husband was verbally abusive. I am leaving him as we speak.
I am also going to therapy.
I never new you could do all of the things that Carly said.
It's not easy to cope, it HURTS, and it makes you feel awful. Just surround yourself with people who love you. Try to keep yourself really busy, that helps too.
Sorry you're going through this, I definitely feel your pain.

Cali - posted on 07/02/2011

I agree with Kate. Be strong! I'm with you....