Have to Vent about husbands adult parents who are divorced!

Lora - posted on 07/19/2011

I think you are absolutely correct. If after 20 yrs they can't put there selfish issues aside then they need to stay at home. I would have one party, and let them know in no uncertain terms that if anyone starts anything that they will be ask to leave. If this happens they will not be invited to the next party. THAT'S THE WAY IT IS......THAT'S THE WAY IT'S GOING TO BE....

Angela - posted on 07/07/2011

OH Jodi I am so sorry for your situation, This is what I have been hoping to avoid. However I now realize i can not FIX this.... it is not me, or my marriage or even my anger.
I really feel for your son, because this is grandparents.... it is bigger I think with parents! The father of 2 of my chidlren, wanted nothing to do with them... they tried...it hurt but in some way I feel blessed i did not ever have to deal with him.... i would never say this to my kids but I say it here.
I really hope they grow up, enjoy their grandchidlren and have a lovely life..... let it go already!
It is hard for me to understand really, becaue if at any moment the father of my kids would want to be in their lives I am so over the resentment..... I would just be happy for them! I really do not care anymore of al that went between us.
Children are to me a privilage.... and if you do not take the moment to enjoy them it is a true pity......but for the child it is a lesson of life that is ugly. People are so stupid... that is all I can say!

Jodi - posted on 07/06/2011

Angela, this sounds like the sort of thing my ex will pull, and I think it's sad. Honestly, he has never even shown up at his son's birthday parties because I am there!! It is very upsetting for my son. Some days I feel like grabbing him by the scruff of the neck and telling him to grow up and act like a real father, and that would be NOT putting him in the middle of his issues with me, and sucking it up. We have been apart for 11 years now, you'd think he could find a way to get past it, wouldn't you?

Carolee - posted on 07/06/2011

In my family, it's my parents that have been divorced for 20+ years. We have always had separate functions (except weddings). The only difference is that the individual family will share hosting duties. We have a Christmas with my dad (and his family) that we hold at my grandmother's house. She does all the cooking and cleaning, but welcomes help and never expects it. My mom's family also has a Christmas that my other grandma hosts. My dad never comes to my kids' birthday parties because he lives out of state, but we usually still have two parties (with the exception of this year) for both kids' birthdays... one with my mom, sister, and brother-in-law, and one with Jason's mom, dad, and sister. Either my mom hosts the party, or Jason's parents host it.

That being said, everyone knows that if I am the person hosting (by myself), there will be only one party. If they would like a "special" one, they need to host it.

Angela - posted on 07/05/2011

Thank you ALL for your support! I can't tell you how glad I am for joining circle of Moms, the support is great when you need it and it is fun and well thanks thanks thanks.
I knew in my logical side of my head I was right but sometimes I need to hear it from others to make me feel good of it. The decision is made! Not anymore double parties!

Tah - posted on 07/04/2011

I'm shocked you did it that way at all..get over it, it's not about y'all..come or don't...send a money order in her name for all immure, but no shenanigans in my house and no double parties..get over it...goodness me...



http://www.circleofmoms.com/just-debates...

Angela - posted on 07/04/2011

Well even if they decide to do a seperate thing.... I still have to work one because they live over an hour away... or two I have to entertain them seperately...Sometimes that is okay but my Claire's bday is in November right smack in the middle of holiday time.... and this time I am just not up for it. They both adore her so I hope they will let her love for them over come the BS. I will work with other events but not when it is over extending me and my family. Whew...feels good to just say it. I have been trying for years now to please them both... What hurts is I do not think they even appreciate it!

Vegemite - posted on 07/04/2011

Nope, I would not have two parties for everything. My sister hates my MIL and my MIL knows it (a bit different granted but my sister can be a violent bitch and would belt the daylights out of my MIL if provoked). My sister started this thing where she wouldn't be in the same room as MIL and I did on a couple of occasions do separate parties for each side of the family. Then I said to my sister that she will always be invited to events and so will MIL. If she chooses not to come because she doesn't want to be in the same room as a member of my family then that's her choice, her problem to deal with and I don't want to hear her whinging about it but it would upset me if she didn't come to things. There has been no more problems since but my sister still refuses to speak to my MIL.

Aneisha - posted on 07/04/2011

Your not asking to much. Everyone is an adult and should act like it. Your not asking them to get back together, just to sit tight for a couple of hours.Your daughter should be able to enjoy both her grandparents at her birthday party!!!

Angela - posted on 07/04/2011

But I am going to tell them how much it would meant to us all and that they will be missed if they decide not to come. Because it is the truth.

Angela - posted on 07/04/2011

I agree Nicola.... that is what I hope to do...

Nicola - posted on 07/03/2011

I would just be honest this is the party time yes everyone is invited yes you don't have to come if you don't want to. but maybe give them the option of doing something extra if they don't want to come to the party you are doing meet up for afternoon tea or something at their place as they are the ones being disruptive they should be the ones to fix it.

Angela - posted on 07/03/2011

Good idea Teresa! My poor husband feels always stuck in the middle and I am like, don't take sides. be a diplomat and that is it.... it is going to be tough, like if they never get over it.... what to say to Claire, my older kids already get it...but my husband and I talked today and he agrees not any more of this two party thing. I can alternate holidays like easter and Chrfistmas because over here they have 2 Easter days and also for Christmas.... but my kids bdays, weddings etc...forget it. Not doing it anymore. I am just going to state how much we really want them with us and will miss them if they don't attend.... leave it at that ...

Teresa - posted on 07/03/2011

I agreee w/ you. Throw one party. They can suck it up or not attend. If THEY want two seperate parties.... let them do all the work and you can just show up and enjoy yourself. ;)

Amanda - posted on 07/03/2011

Hell no! If they really can't be together, why does this have to be your family's problem? Instead of throwing two of everything, just have an alternating schedule! :)

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 07/03/2011

You're doing double the work because your family is an ASS?! Selfish asses?! Nooooooooooo no no........

If you are hosting the party, tell them there is 1 party and if they cannot behave like adults for the 1 afternoon tell them to leave. If they don't want to show up, ask them to host a party. Do whatever you can to take some of this stress off of you. You don't need their BS pressuring you all the time. Every holiday?! Doubled!? aaaaaaaaah, I'd lose my nugget! Vent woman, vent! you need it

Jodi - posted on 07/03/2011

Sounds to me like they need to grow the fuck up, honestly......it is so immature. Sorry you have to put up with it. I think I'd be the one to yell at them to grow up and get over it!!!

Stifler's - posted on 07/03/2011

NO, people are so immature. My mother in law still hates Damian's step mother for getting all his father's money. SERIOUSLY they broke up 20 years ago. She always gets pissy when we see a Honda ad because Dorelle bought a new car with HER money. I'm just like PLEASE SHUT UP, NO ONE CARES AND NO YOU AREN'T ENTITLED TO ANY MONEY. She also had a go at me before our wedding adn said she wasn't sitting next to Dorelle. I sat them next to each other... who cares. If they cause a scene tell them to get out!

Carly - posted on 07/02/2011

I agree with your decision. You shouldn't have to be put out because of their pettyness. The could act like grownups and be civil already. If they choose not to attend, it's their choice. They can come by at a later date to give her a gift, but shouldn't expect fanfare.

Lisa - posted on 07/02/2011

I have read about a number of husbands who do not support their spouse. Although I am divorced (thank the stars), my ex mother in law is still a good person. She spends time with my children whenever she can, which is more than her son does. Enuff venting over that.

Angela - posted on 07/02/2011

That is the issue he does not deal with it well. But I have had it! It is not my problem anymore. I appreciate the support and do not feel so bad now!

Lisa - posted on 07/02/2011

Stop inviting the parents. Your husband should be able to tell them to behave or not to come.

Angela - posted on 07/02/2011

Well I guess it is all agreed I won't be doing two parties anymore! This is the LAST time. I am so tired from all the prep and finally getting time to relax it is 1am here! URH

Firebird - posted on 07/02/2011

Why do you have to throw two birthday parties? If they can't grow up and be civil for such a short period of time, make the alternate years. This year it's one parents' turn, next year the other.

Corinne - posted on 07/02/2011

Definately stop with the 2 parties thing! Wow! I'd be knackered. I tried doing 2 parties for my daughter this year, simply to keep my M.I.L away from my nephew who is autistic and doesn't do people. I'm sure she thinks she can cure him. I told her why I was doing it and she didn't bother turning up, I told her to grow the f@ck up. Sounds like your family could do with a dose of the same. ;)

Erin - posted on 07/02/2011

I wouldn't throw 2 parties even if this one doesn't work... If they can't all be there together nicely then tell them they can come visit your daughter or husband on a different day to spend time w/them, no party just visit IMO. Say MIL fails to make the party then MIL can come take baby out to lunch or the zoo or whatever another day, just you all. If FIL fails to make his son's bday party then FIL can take your husband to dinner another day? I wouldn't be making 2 big events for nothing! Tell them they can alternate years if they don't like it!

Katherine - posted on 07/02/2011

What Lissa said. If they can't behave, no more invites. Which sounds so childish!
I would ask them to do it for your daughter, it's not about them, it's about her!

Lissa - posted on 07/02/2011

Personally as they are grown adults I would tell them they are both invited to the same party and they had better behave. I would also tell them if they choose not to behave then neither will be invited to any more events.
They are adults they can be adults for a few hours, i would absolutely not allow this childish behaviour.

Lindsey - posted on 07/02/2011

I've been there. My hubby's parents have been divorced for close to twenty years. Both are remarried, and yet they still hold on to a lot of bitterness towards each other. Our wedding was the first time they had attended a function together since, well not sure how long, but it had been a long time. I was a little worried about how everyone would handle it, however I was pleasantly surprised. Despite their feelings towards one another, they managed to treat each other with respect and no one came to blows.
Since then, they have had to come together twice, once when our son was born and once for his first birthday. And, thank goodness, no fights, arguments or even cold shoulders.
I say, have one party. Let them deal with their own issues. If either of them decide not to attend, it will be their loss. Allow them to explain to your daughter why they can't attend, refuse to make excuses for them. While she may be a little upset that her grandparent(s) won't be there, I'm sure that the excitement of a birthday party will get her mind off of it. (Remember that even little ones, unfortunately, have to face their share of disappointments and they are remarkably resilient). If they both decide to attend (which would be the adult thing to do), they may just surprise you. I know that mine did.

Angela - posted on 07/02/2011

now off to the grocery store to get party stuff.... in addition my Claire has a party to go to today!

Angela - posted on 07/02/2011

Well I will say it as diplomatic and kind as possible of course! However I really feel I have the right to enjoy these events for our family as well. Having to plan, cook etc for two parties is a lot of work for me and it leaves me not having much time for joining in the fun part of the festivities!
I just don't understand why it has to be so bitter, but then again I was not involved. All I know is I love them all and my kids and husband love them all. So I hope my youngest Birthday coming in November will be the ice breaker so to speak. I am going to try to have it set up where they are not looking at each other and their will be many guest so I really hope it will go okay.
It is been my way not to confront the issue and do seperate parties to help them enjoy things and also to avoid having them make others uncomfortable IE tension in the room.
All I can do is try, and if it don't work I guess I will be doing the two parties thing...
I just hope for the kid's sake they can bury the hatch and enjoy life a little and let me enjoy it as well!

Brie - posted on 07/02/2011

well you don't have to make it a fight you could probably phrase it nicer than that lol... but its going to come down to you either saying this to them or you keep trying to please them until you explode and it will be a million times worse.. but whatever you think is the way to go about it good luck and your welcome!

Angela - posted on 07/02/2011

Thanks for the support, I agree but I don't want a big fight! After today however I am not doing it anymore, It is unfair to me really! I agree with all you said!

Brie - posted on 07/02/2011

I don't blame you for screaming at them lol.. granted i would actually be doing it.. what they are doing is wrong to whoever the parties are for.. they need to grow up and get over themselves and selflessly attend things for the person its about... in all honesty i don't think you should have been throwing two at all.. just throw one and tell them that they can suck it up and come for your child or theirs (whoever its for) or they can not come and have fun explaining the bullshit when she gets older.. you also need to tell your mil and step-mil to put their big girl panties on and get over it.. also point out that none of this is for them and if they truly cared about said person then they would overcome their issues for that person.. its only a couple hours, you're not asking them to move in together.. and if they act hateful towards each other or continue to be childish then ask them to leave.. the only person they are hurting are themselves... sorry to seem like i am venting but this makes me so freakin mad... your an adult act like it... it was all you mistake don't take it out on people you supposedly care about... i have no tolerance for this... good luck and i hope things get better for you!!