help! How do i deal with the ex wife bad mouthing my fiance!

[deleted account] ( 9 moms have responded )

so i have started to pick up my soon to be DSD from her moms visitations ( she gets her weds 3 to 7) yesterday was the first time.. she spent the entire time talking poorly about him and how i will wise up and lack of support will break us up.. pretty sure we would be breaking up soon and how her daughter will just be devistated... my kids were in the car so i didnt want to make a scene let alone get into a fight with her.. how do i get around this stuff.. she rarely sees her child, she doesnt check up on her.. i am the parent to her, i have 2 of my own as well.. we are getting married in sept no plans on breaking up.. but jesus i want to help him out but i dont need to hear all her ideas of how terrible he is

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/20/2013

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LOL @ Kristi... Of course! I was just gonna post it here, and say "if you're in the area"...LOLOL!

Lady, you've got it together! I have gotta say I'd never, EVER think you had any personality disorders, just simply because you're so put together here! But, your advice does come in very handy for those (like Jennifer) who need some insight!

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Bethany - posted on 05/25/2013

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i was luck when i inherited my step kids one was 14 the other 12, the older one came to live with us just before his 16th bday and that suited her fine cos thats when the money for him ran out, more or less, for us it was a good 2 yrs then the attitude started,from him! from the X it was "well what did you expect" and "thats what happens when they are teens!" sadly im friends with most of her friends on facebook and i copped the well he will cheat if i commented on a much younger friends statuses! he hasnt cheated and has no inkling (or time) to do so, idont even hafta associate with her anymore as she doesnt speak to hubby and kids now realise that all the bullshit she spun about dad was just that bullshit!
so for now grin and bear it she will get the gist that you wont bend or fold to her stupid whims main thing is that ur sd doesnt know who you feel after all its her mum!
good luck n remember, whatever she can be isnt as bad as it will all seem in the end!

[deleted account]

@shawnn kristi is awesome... its been an on going struggle but shes no longer seeing the SD least for the time being... and i will keep being kind to her.. I would rather be the sane kind one then feed into her ways... thanks ladies!

[deleted account]

thank you kristi! I have done a lot of research on her disorders to help understand them.. I just wish she would keep herself up with her treatment and meds because i know that helps a lot ( my brother is bipolar) and i def understand she cant help herself sometimes with her actions..I would never bad mouth her to my kids or SD i just hope she doesnt make a huge mess of her daughters life.. it is my biggest fear..she doesnt work, doesnt pay support, doesnt provide anything for SD which is fine we have no problem with that.. i also feel terrible for her ( to an extent some of this she brought on herself) because her life sucks, her parents walked away from her supervised visits, she lives in a tiny apartement with her bf and never sees her daughter... i just hope she figures out no matter what she says about the hubs he is her father and a very good one ( takes a lot for a man to raise a little girl).. i fully intend on being a support for my SD she will need it growing up..

Kristi - posted on 05/13/2013

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I have both of those diagnosis'. If she's not regulated on meds and in therapy, you really do have your hands full! I fully admit there were times in my life when my son was better off with his father and even though I did the right thing when it was the right time, I still lost him completely, not custody wise but through some circumstances beyond my control (working 3 jobs to support myself and my daughter and have all the things that makes a home a home for my son at my house (bedroom, clothes, food, games, toys, etc) and pay child support, leaving me exhausted and drained so when he was over I was usually barely awake or grouchy and I couldn't afford to take them fun places, etc.) and his dad bad mouthing me constantly, he just decided he didn't want to see me anymore. Anyways...irrelevant.

At this point, your stepdaughter is very lucky to have you and her daddy to provide a loving, stable environment. Please understand, her mom did not ask to be sick and she really doesn't have a lot of control over her emotions. She is very impulsive and her interpersonal relationship skills equal those of a 13-15 year old. She probably has horrible coping skills and it wouldn't surprise me if she has/is self harming and/or has been suicidal. I would not wish these conditions on my 2nd worst enemy (I have some serious hatred for one individual, not my son's father lol). Even if she were taking meds, it still takes time and practice and behavioral therapy to be consistently, high functioning. That's not to say she'll be a raging lunatic forever. But, IMO, she is being very irresponsible by refusing treatment.

I'm just saying or asking, for her daughter's sake, continue to take what she says with a grain of salt, try to remember that (aside from refusing treatment Grrr) she didn't ask for this either and she is suffering, I can promise you that! The internal pain and battles she has going on are so intense and destructive. They often feel unbearable, leaving you angry, helpless, confused, hopeless, depressed, and so on. Try not to make negative comments about her in front of your stepdaughter. You really are dealing with someone with the emotional maturity and thought processes of a teenager. Maybe if you can keep that in mind, it will help you deal with her a little better.

I am not "taking her side" or anything like that! Your stepdaughter is exactly where she needs to be and you are a wonderful blessing to her. My son's stepmom, whom he considers mom, has loved and raised him as her own. I'm jealous as hell and it hurts my heart that someone else got the privilege of raising my son but I am grateful to God that my son has had ever wonderful opportunity life could afford him and despite bashing me to this day, they love him and he is happy, healthy and thus far "successful" in life. I'm just hoping this gives you a little understanding of what her life is like and thus maybe making it easier to have a little more compassion and patience and knowing you're essentially dealing with a teenager, maybe you'll be able to find a more effective approach with her.

It sounds like you have a lovely, young family and I wish you all the best!

[deleted account]

My SD is 2 1/2.. ex wife wasnt as bad sunday as thursday this week but she wants to be my new best friend.. i should also add she has Boarderline personality disorder and bipolar and refuses meds... so she is very hyper/ manic... So i take everything she says with a grain of salt... i know how and why they split up and honestly thought my hubs was exagerating but he wasnt what so ever and actually didnt tell me the worst of it... I meant the "i want to help him out" comment by he really hates dealing with her period so i wanted to help him out by doing the drop offs but i dont really want to deal with her craziness comments.( he gets super uncomfortable at confrintation..) .shes doing it ear shot of all the kids my 5 year old actually stuck up for the hubs to her... and she only sees her daughter weds 3 to 7,.. thank goodness shes not with her more... we are on the same page with everything about SD and i love her like my own.. i guess its just something i havent had to deal with i like to think of myself as the cool ex wife lol i love my ex hubbys new gf and talk to her more then him!

Kristi - posted on 05/13/2013

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Kelly--
There is an old saying: Great minds discuss Ideas, Average minds discuss events, and Small minds discuss people.

If this is true, I might be in trouble! ; )

Jennifer--

Is she saying all of the things in ear shot of the children? I'm just a little unclear if your SD was repeating her mother's complaints or if the mother was saying them to you with the kids right there or what. Obviously, it's all uncalled for but not all that uncommon.

If she is being civil to you but just "warning" you off and the children are around maybe just give her a little headshake and make a face like, "not a good idea" and motion to the kids with head tilt or an eye glance. Don't give her a dirty look, even though she probably deserves a kick in the teeth...just a kind of between the grown-ups look. Hopefully, she would pick up on that and get a clue.

If the headshake doesn't work, then you'll have to verbalize it and just whisper to her something like, "Now's really now the best time for this. I'm sure the kids don't need to worry about all this grown up stuff. Maybe we can talk some other time, though." Smile and nod until she agrees.

If the kids aren't around, count your blessings that she isn't bad mouthing her dad and/or you to your SD. I don't know what she is telling you, but just validate her feelings, like Shawnn described and cut things off as quickly as you can. Change the subject, make an excuse to leave, set an alarm (that sounds like a ring tone) on your phone to go off 7 minutes after you get there and ooops, that's my doctor, I've really got to take this....

If all else fails, buy a big, black piece of poster board and with fluorescent, neon yellow paint write "I TOLD YOU SO" on it. Take it to her next time you drop off/pick up your SD and give it to her. Say here, I want you to have this so if "Joe" and I ever do get divorced you can bring this to the court room and wave it all around in my face. Ok, consider me warned and eyes wide open. You've done your job. This is your "get out of jail free card" if things go south. Everyone will know you tried your best to prevent the worst and that I was the dummy for not listening. So, thank you. Now, let's just move on and help "Judy" be a happy, healthy girl who knows she is loved by all of us.

Actually, minus the gigantic sign, if the conditions are right, saying some of that other stuff to her might not be a bad idea. You would be acknowledging that she might know something you don't about this guy. You are willing to concede (in her mind) that there is a possibility of failure for you and Joe and that way it would mean "everything" was not her fault like he said. Plus, you just admitted you were the dummy and you showed her gratitude for her "sincere" efforts to help you avoid the same pain she has had to deal with.

Lastly, I am telling you now so your eyes are wide open....this is a package deal. Some people think the "package" only includes the other half and his/her offspring. It doesn't. It includes all the EX-tras! The offspring, the ex, the ex-in-laws...some, all or none of which may like you. All have the ability to make your life miserable at any given point. This was your first exchange with this woman or just the first time you've met her in person? You look pretty young in your profile picture. I'm going to assume your SD is still rather young (preteen or under?). That means MANY, MANY more interactions with her mom. Presumably, she will chill out as time progresses but can you handle more of the same (and probably worse for a bit) in the meantime?

I realize this is more than you were asking for and you may have this all figured out so forgive me if I'm over stepping. Just type me a "told you so" card and send me on my way. ; ) I'm just saying, you need to make sure that you and Joe are on THE same page, ESPECIALLY when it comes to disciplining the kids. You have got to have his back and he's got to have yours. If either one of you are unsure where you stand about the big stuff, you need to clear it up, one way or another before September.
---" but jesus i want to help him out but i dont need to hear all her ideas of how terrible he is"---
That just doesn't sound too marriagey to me. Sounds more like, I had a really good thing going with this guy and then his baby mama showed up and things got messy and ain't nobody got time for that.

That would be totally ACCEPTABLE if you felt that way and took the appropriate action. There is nothing wrong with wanting as much peace in your life as you can have. My point is, think about it and make sure you don't continue with something you really, really wish you could do in your heart when you damn well know in your head, eh, I'm not going to be able to pull this off. It's not fair to anyone involved. And despite popular demand, marriage is still supposed to be a LIFE long commitment.

OK, enough preaching. I'm sorry. I hope I didn't come off as rude or pompous. It just seems like there have been a lot of sad stepparenting stories on here, relationships lost or falling apart between parent/child, partners, spouses, steps. It's also 4am and this is 4th conversation that has side tracked me. ~SMH~ Good Luck!!!

SHAWNN--
25 YEARS!!! WOOT-WOOT!! CONGRATULATIONS!! (is my invite in the mail?) ; )

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/10/2013

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Just smile sweetly, and tell her thanks for letting you know.

I'm the 2nd (and last wife) for my hubby. When we first got together, she was horrible. "he'll beat you", "He'll sexually abuse you and any kids you have", "he'll cheat on you", "he's a horrible father"...you name it, I heard it.

She shut up when I very nicely told her that I understood that they'd married very young and because she was pregnant, and that since we (hubby & I) didn't have the pregnancy stress, and we'd had time to really figure out what we wanted in life, I was sure we'd be fine.

Every time she called (collect) I refused the charges, and she'd have to call back on her own dime. She didn't want her 4th hubby to see that she was calling her 1st one...and actually asked me to lie for her at one point. Which I didn't do, but did report her hubby to CPS to protect my SD. I just found that by being nice every time, smiling, and telling her I was sure everything would be fine, she finally realized that she wasn't getting anywhere by being a bitch.

I'm in the process of planning our 25th anniversary, and I did send her an invite, just to be catty...

[deleted account]

Don't say anything to her. Just thank her for her input and leave as quickly as possible. She can say whatever she wants, but it doesn't make it true and it doesn't hurt anyone. Once she sees she's not bothering you and you aren't listening to her, she'll lose interest and stop making the comments.....just be prepared for them to get harsher before they get better--when she sees you aren't fazed she'll up the anti a little, until she realizes there is no point.

There is an old saying: Great minds discuss Ideas, Average minds discuss events, and Small minds discuss people. Her mind is obviously small, and people are not worth discussing so don't engage in discussion with her.

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