Kelly - posted on 06/15/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )
Back story - you can skip it if you know me
Unconventional childhood--no parents are parent-like adults in the picture, homeless and all that. Long string of bad luck, then sudden bout of good luck. Due to the .... I don't know what you call it ... I never learned about emotions and all--the adults in my life were the clientele of a string of high-end, posh restaurants where people nod, smile politely, and even in the most heated of arguments rarely raise their voices above a whisper.
I know I'm effed up in the head, and I pay a world renowned doctor to .... I don't know.... help me cope with my effed up head. (How funny is it that "effed" is an actual word!)
So, for years and years I've hidden all of my emotions except the few I saw the patrons use because I guess I figured I should not have those, or if I did, I didn't know what to do with them. Eventually, I just stopped being able to feel anything--no connection to people, no empathy, etc. I had "sociopathic tenancies" as they say.
Apparently, this is not healthy, so Dr. Asshole (as we shall lovingly refer to him) has decided to help me find these emotions, feel them, and eventually express them in a healthy way. I've been working at this for YEARS--literally, I started therapy 9 years ago--and I am finally making some progress.
The problem, is that now I'm having all these emotions and I cannot control them. Three times this week, I've wanted to hit my child--I have NEVER actually WANTED to hit anyone, or anything. Not only that, but I threw a vase and a lamp at my doctor, and broke $600 worth of crystal wine glasses against my livingroom wall.
My doctor says this is wonderful, that now that I can feel emotions, I can start learning to control them, but what if it takes as long to learn to control them as it did to finally feel them?? I'll hurt someone.
Furthermore, I don't LIKE feeling this crap! It hurts, sometimes it makes me feel sick, my face burns, and my breathing gets weird. And crying SUCKS!!!!! Until a few months ago, I didn't know what crying felt like, and the few times I did it, I didn't know that's what it was and thought I was getting sick. A huge, very painful knot comes in my throat! My eyes water uncontrollably and I loose control of the muscles in my face and they contort my face into a horrid, scrunched up mess! Why would anyone want that????
I think I was better off the way I was. I wanted to feel emotions, but this is not pleasant, and now I can't seem to go back to not feeling them.
And to top things off, my husband who has been away on business for 2 weeks came home today, and basically said I would be a looser if I hadn't met & married him. I really want sex, but I don't want to have sex with him because every time I try to think about it, the comment swims into my mind. It hurts so much because I know that at least in some part, the statement has some truth to it, and it hurts because I can't figure out what to do to fix it. I've always been able to fix everything.....this just sucks.