My husband wants me to be a Sahm but i told him to Eff off

Tina - posted on 05/07/2012

I'd continue to discuss things. But also wait until the baby arrives to make and final decisions. Maybe you can compromises. Maybe you can still study and be a SAHM and follow a career once your child reaches school age or something. If he can't compromise then he is a jurk. It could also be a case that he wouldn't trust anyone else with his child. I'm very much like that. Until they old enough to speak and tell me if something is wrong I'm not comfortable leaving them in the care of a stranger. I'm a SAHM mum but it's not permanant.

Aleks - posted on 05/02/2012

No matter who's right and wrong in this situation, but I have to ask. Didn't you guys discuss how you would like to raise your kids? In an ideal type of situation and your current one BEFORE becoming pregnant?

May be it isn't about him wanting for you to stay home, per se, it may be about how your child is raised. This isn't just about you... While it is important what you want, of course. You have to realise that it is HIS child, as well, and he has a right in having a say in how he wishes that child to be raised TOO.



This is something you have to discuss with him WITHOUT getting into butting heads and egos. Sit down and put your point across and also LISTEN to his reasons of why he wants what he wants... Then go from there.....



ETA: And he is right. Starting a career frequently requries a lot of time and dedication ON THE JOB, while having a new baby is also extremely taxing, and what this means is that EVERYBODY will suffer - you, him and the baby, and your relationships with him and others as well. He is concerned about it.... that is why I would think he has that opinion...... I dunno.... I would still sit down and have a long discussion on it......

Stifler's - posted on 05/01/2012

no he is being inconsiderate!! pursue your career don't be a SAHM and never work again and feel all depressed because all your life is is cleaning cooking childcare and catering to your husband. if i had a bachelors degree my husband would be doing 50% of the house work and child care.

Kelly - posted on 05/01/2012

I agree with Katherine--he KNEW you were going to school. If he brings up the "why hire a nanny to do a mother's job" bit, tell him the nanny is not doing your job as a mother, she is helping you find balance in your life between motherhood and womanhood. Just because we become mothers, does not mean we are no longer individuals with unique dreams and goals.

Katherine - posted on 05/01/2012

I think it's completely reasonable for you to be able to work and do something you love. I don't think he is being fair and I think HE is being selfish. I like the nanny idea. I mean did he not notice you going to school all these years? Why did he think you were going? I just don't get it. Sounds kind of like a control freak to me......

Naidy - posted on 05/01/2012

He doesn't want me to work. I feel like he has this, I am the head of the household I can handle our finances and I do not need help, kind of mentality. I dubbed it as being sexist, which in a sense it is. Because he's the man he feels that he should be the one to provide for his family. And as a woman I feel that I should provide for my family also. I like the idea of a nanny, he is the type to say why pay a nanny to do the mothers job.

Kelly - posted on 05/01/2012

Also, if you can't do a live in, try just a day nanny who comes in the morning and stays to the evening. A lot of them are willing to move hours around to accommodate you too--so if you need her to say, stay late on Friday so you can have a date with hubby, you can let her go home early or take a day off on Wednesday, or whatever.

Kelly - posted on 05/01/2012

You are not being inconsiderate or selfish. The way you put it, his IDEAL situation is you staying home, but you didn't say he was expressly trying to forbid you from working. Instead of telling him to fuck off, try offering a compromise you can both live with.

My husband and I also have an age gap--12 years--so I can see where you are both coming from. You don't want to give up everything you've worked for, but he foresees a hectic schedule that will leave little time for you and him between your demanding career and the new child who will dominate your time at home.

If he makes enough to support you, use your income to hire a live-in nanny and a housekeeper. This is what I did when J was born and it was the best solution for us (though ultimately, I ended up becoming a sahm--go figure). Having a live-in as opposed to a day care will allow you to visit with the baby at anytime, the nanny can bring the child to visit your office, or you can work from home and still get your fill of child without having to mold your demanding hours to fit an unnatural schedule. She will also allow a lot more one on one time with your husband, which after a child is born, can become VERY important in order for the marriage to last. Also, should you choose to breast feed, the nanny can bring the child to you during feedings, thus eliminating the need to waste time pumping and still feed the baby.
The housekeeper doesn't need to be a live in, we just used a weekly service, 3 days a week, so I didn't have to waste time I should be spending on J & my husband scrubbing a bath or folding laundry.

Offer something along those lines and see if he is willing to compromise.