not coping

Stifler's - posted on 05/19/2011

I have a card to my husbands account. We don't have a joint account either but I spend whatever I like of his pay on bills and rent and food and stuff for the family. All you have to do is convince him to apply for a visa debit/mastercard debit or something then he'll have 2 cards to the same account.

Erin - posted on 05/19/2011

You could also set up a totally new account in both your names to use as the household account (rent, bills, groceries etc). Have a direct debit go automatically from his pay account for the specified amount (depending on your budget). That way he can still have his separate account, but you can rely on the fact that his contribution to the household and family is available to you without asking.

Shannen - posted on 05/19/2011

Tracey is so right! Go and buy yourself a little tool kit and show him that you can do it on your own!
When ever my ex wouldn't help i'd do it myself. Lol and then if i couldn't finish it without help he would have to help me because the house would be trashed until he had!

Sneaky - posted on 05/19/2011

Mel you could just give up asking him to do things - he might be a lost cause, lol!

I find this funny because there has not been one single time when my husband has walked in the door and found me with the cot pulled apart, or moving furniture, or assembling the book case (stuff that I have spent months asking him to do) that he hasn't a) helped immediately b) apologized and c) worshiped me as the domestic goddess I am . . . . for a day at least!

If he keeps leaving his tools at work, you need to get some of your own (Kmart actually sells a really cute set of pink tools now, lol!). Can you imagine the look on his face if you prove to him that you don't bloody need his help for these things? Trust me, it is absolutely priceless :o)

Penny - posted on 05/19/2011

You can get your name put on his current account all you have to do is go in to the bank itself, and the same can be done with yours too.But good to hear you are trying to work through things with him, hopefully he will do those things that you ask of him spesh the cot, dont want your bubba falling over the side.

Mel - posted on 05/18/2011

Not really sure, possibly the fact that he wants pay to go in straight away and so wants to stay with the same bank he's with Im with a different bank and intend to stay with them, but Ive also pointed all its quite simple budget fom the week before and it won't matter when his pay goes in. So Im not 100% sure on that one

Shannen - posted on 05/18/2011

I'm not trying to pry but out of curiosity why doesn't he want a joint account??

Mel - posted on 05/18/2011

I wasn't sure what to do with regards to account he hasn't agreed to a joint account however is going to send $350 to my account every week so he says for food shopping and saving. Hopfully this should work. Everything seems good atm its just there is alot of things I need him to do hes been away for a while and I ask little things that dont get done so they build up I ask him to new batteries in the baby toys because I need a screw driver he says his screw driver is at work etc and things just done get done Ive been asking for months for him to lower the cot (not safe on the level its on with a 10 month old) so hopefully he will do that for me soon just a bunch of small things, but Im sure he will sort them out this weekend since he knows how frustrated Ive been with him of late. We also have a 3 monthly rent inspection early next week and its alot of work as we have a big backyard that he doesnt do anything with to maintain except on inspections doesnt get mowed cleaned nothing and I do the inside work so I wish he would put some effort in outside. But yes a bunch of little things to sort out :)

A letter does sound like it would work if Im ever stuck agin Ill try and remember that/. Definately helps with regards to getting annoyed and emotional

Katherine - posted on 05/17/2011

Hey Mel,

Just got to this thread. One of the things that I stressed out about in my marraige was money too. My ex would NOT get a joint account for anything. I had no idea where the money was going, all I knew was that there was never any left. The money thing was really stressful on me as well as everything else.
I had to take A LOT of time outs. I think a letter is a great idea.

Nikki - posted on 05/17/2011

I agree with Mary, writing a letter is a great idea! If I am ever upset or need to discuss something really important with Nathan I ALWAYS write him a letter. That way I can spend the time to get out everything I want to say in a productive way without being overly emotional or mean!

Mary - posted on 05/17/2011

Another option would be to write it all down, instead of just spewing out a load of venom at him as soon as you see him. Often, if you write a letter, it gives you the chance to word things a little more carefully (since you can write some really nasty shit, and then delete it!). Obviously, you'll still have to talk with him after he reads it, but this gives you the opportunity to at least present your issues in a less hostile manner. It gives you the chance to say - "I love you, and missed you incredibly while you were gone - but there are some very real problems that we need to address in order for things to work smoothly in our family".

Sneaky - posted on 05/17/2011

Mel, I just had a thought - would it help keep the situation calmer if you asked your FIL to sit with both of you and 'referee' the budget discussion? I only ask because it seems like your FIL is the best source of support available to you right now, and you might be less likely to get frustrated and angry at your husband if your FIL is there? It would really depend on if your FIL treats his son like an adult I guess, otherwise your hubby will feel like he just has you and his dad ganging up on him.

Mel - posted on 05/17/2011

thanks =) thats ok. Hes coming home tonight midnight which means he should be here around 1 or 2am. I wont see him til late tomoro night because he leaves for work very early but then I will see where things stand and if certain things are going to change or if I have to take extreme measures for things to change. I guess time will tell. Heidi I usually need people to vent to then I probably wouldnt get myslef in so much trouble lol lI have friends that offer I just never seem to use them

Heidi - posted on 05/15/2011

sorry to here that u are having a hard time. if u were close i would offer to help u. if u every just need some to talk to mail me and i will give u my yahoo or hotmail we can talk more.

Mel - posted on 05/15/2011

I understand, its very very hard for me to do that, my main issue is the money thign and that I have been asking for so veyr long for a joint account that pays the bills and food and that he can have an allowance out of that, but thats it, so I feel alot of hostility especially now with him being away for work and ringing him to ask if there was money for me to get some things for dinner and when there wasnt I was extremely unhappy , and Ive just gotten to that point where enough is enough, so Ive tried very hard to take on everyones advice (friends and my FIL) to approach him in a non threatening not hostile manner, but if I do try this Im not too sure how long it will last , as I am a person who gets out of control very easily and very quickly as most of you know and have no skill in dealing properly with situation and anger. So I will try very hard to take on all of your advice, but I just feel like this is the last shot and that all of this really should have been sorted and organised a veyr long time ago, my mother has the same views as me so because I take in alot of what she says before other people as much as I shoudlnt it makes it very hard for me not to be bitter. She gets in my ear about doing mallicious things as payback and then I just tend to go crazy, but I will give it the best shot I can

Mary - posted on 05/15/2011

Mel - expressing to your husband that you love and miss him is not "giving in", nor is it giving him permission to walk all over you. In a healthy marriage/relationship, you love each other in spite of, and in the face of the other's flaws. It doesn't mean that you allow them to walk all over you, but it does mean that you recognize their imperfections, and how to work on them together.

If you really are committed to making your marriage work, you do need to express your love for him, especially when things are rocky between you. Really, if all you show him is bitterness, resentment, and anger - what is his motivation to work towards fixing things? Who the hell wants to stay with a person who only shows them hostility and anger?

Please understand, I'm in no way negating all of the things you are feeling, nor am I suggesting that your anger is unwarranted (I have no real knowledge of all of your issues). I am merely recommending that you find a way to discuss you feelings and problems with him in a way that motivates him to want to change, and makes things better between you, and reflects why you want to make things work.

Mel - posted on 05/15/2011

thanks....I had a serious thought about the studying thing last night, but Im not sure. Not just yet at least. I will keep thinking about it. I dont know if I could ever go back to study agian. As much as I had dreams of a certain career path I dont quite think I have it in me now that Im a mum, and I probablyshould have been more realistic since I knew I wanted children early. Im doing alright just miss my hubby I know Ive said that a thousand times lol. Also Im finding it very very hard to show emotion or tell him I love or miss hm because Im so resentful about al the budgetting issues and things I need him to change to make our marriage work. People around me can give advice on being loving andtell me he misses me, tell me he'd having a hard time away at work geting very little sleep and being on call 24/7 but I still cant help but feel bitter...people say give him a go dont be nasty to him and when he gets home bring things up with him nicely...I just cant do it. I miss him alot but I cant show that because if I show that then I give in and hes going to think he can walk all over me, so I just cant do it and that saddens me because I want to be happy and tell him how much I miss him. But I have to stand my ground and stay strong so thats what im doing. Hopefully this will all be worth it :)

Actually about the studying, if I was togo for the youth work thing, ID wait til I wasnt breast feeding, then if Im still not able to go back to work due to circumstances then I will rethink. I need to be getting out doing somethign and something thats going to go toward my future

Shannen, my oldest I still wake up I wake her anytime probably earliest 7.30 but usually around 8. If Paige ever happens to actually sleep in (she slept to 9.30 today:) Than I will jst wake her then. She hates being woken she kicks up a fuss tells me shes tired and wants to stay inbed lol. Paige (9 month old) is normally up around 6. But it all depends really shes so unpredictable.

My FIL has been great. Its a shame my MIL never has any interest in ringing me or offering to help me, although my FIL says she thinks highly of me. Thankyou so much for your kind words Elizabeth, I know I may be getting my hopes up too high, but I am hoping when I am able to have some counselling sessions that I will be able to change myself and sort everything out, I have alot of things to work through past and present

Elizabeth - posted on 05/14/2011

Oh, I feel your pain. I found out that my husband and I can't afford to work because childcare is so expensive, and the government cuts funding the more you make. Screwy, huh? (Edit: I mean it's screwy that you can't go back to work because the government stops helping once you're making money. In our case, childcare costs about $1840 a fortnight which is more than either of us make. So we work to pay for childcare instead of bills just so we can work.)



Anyway, I find myself yelling at my kid more than I should too, and it makes me feel bad. Here's a few things that I hope will help:



1) No one is a perfect parent, so give yourself a break. You could have had kids with serious issues, and you'd love them just the same. So your kids don't have some fundamental right to a super mom who doesn't have her problems. I'm not saying don't work on them when you notice them, but don't bother beating yourself up for being human, it's just adding to your stress problems.



2) if you don't want to smack your daughter, take some time when you're calm and get out a piece of paper. Write down what you're going to do if she acts up. For example - - take a deep breath. - decide on a toy I can take away from her - threaten to take the toy if X behavior doesn't stop - if she doesn't stop, take away the toy, and explain why. Then, if/when she starts again, and you feel that helpless feeling of not knowing what to do other than smack, you can recall your paper plan and implement it. It's what I do when I feel the urge to yell come on - recall my plan of how I want to discipline instead of disciplining in the moment when I'm angry.



With regards to yourself not coping - I've been there. The first thing to know - there's nothing wrong with you. You ARE genuinely dealing with a lot and some very stressful things. We don't see other people doing it every day, so we assume that everyone is breezing by whilst we're suffering, but the truth is that most people just don't have the courage to share that they're not coping and want to hide it. Recognizing it and sharing it are the first steps to getting some help, and that means that in the trajectory of everything, you're more likely to succeed at getting out of the tight spot than others. So give yourself a pat on the back for that.



If you can find a way to get away from the kids for a day or two - maybe ask your FIL to take the kids for two afternoons in a row or something and do something you enjoy, that might help a bit. It's temporary, but sometimes just a breath or two above water keeps you from drowning.

Shannen - posted on 05/14/2011

My 4 yr old is in pre-school. I personally don't feel comfortable using childcare while i'm a sahm and close to family but i'm looking at moving in which case i'll need the break and help so it's good to know for the near future.

Nikki - posted on 05/14/2011

Are your kids in childcare Shannen? if so contact centrelink about Jet childcare. It's not something they actively advertise, nor do child care centres unfortunately. But it's a great program that makes studying a hell of a lot easier for studying mums.

Shannen - posted on 05/14/2011

Mel, I feel for you. I also know where your coming from. I have 3 kids 5,3 and almost 1. Those days that i know i have hit breaking point they are in bed no later then 6pm. Mind you the reason that happens most of the time is due to the fact they are awake at 6am :( Oh what i'd give for a sleep in! But like Nikki i don't worry about bathing them if i'm at the end and they are tired i do what i have to to get through each day.
Like i have said to you before you can do anything you want. If you want to study then there will be a way that will help.
As much as these girls were helping you they have just helped me massively. I did not know about the cheap childcare for studying mums. I am enrolled in a fulltiem course and have been struggling with it but i'm not giving up. I plan on finishing this course in line with the kids starting school so can get out there and get a decent job so i can provide without government support.
IMO Studying while the kids are young is a really good idea.

Sneaky - posted on 05/14/2011

Mel, I totally get your mums attitude that study does not earn you money. But there are two things to consider here - first you can't get back to work right now because day care is too bloody expensive so you are not earning money anyway and secondly, there is a pay off in taking time to study, because you will be able to earn more money later if you are in a job that requires qualifications (in theory anyway).

I'm doing online study (so I am only meeting people on the net!) but it is something I can do for an hour or two or three each night after the kids are in bed. It is going to take me forever to get a degree, but I feel like I am not just wasting all of my time while I can't be working.

But that works for me. If you are not interested in study - don't :o) It would only make the pressure and stress you feel worse. Having said that, if you are not totally opposed to the idea, there is no harm researching information about it. I think most TAFE's and uni's have career advisers that you can contact and ask about career prospects post qualification, (e.g, be able to find out if you would be likely to get employed as a youth work if that is a growth industry of if jobs are highly competitive).

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better too - it helps to know when hubby will be home I bet :o)

Nikki - posted on 05/14/2011

Mel, don't let any of that hold you back if you want to do it. You could look into bridging courses through TAFE to finish year 12 and get your cert 3 or diploma within a year or two.

The best part about TAFE training is that firstly it is very simple, you get on the job training which not only helps with your studies but helps you make contacts for employment when you are finished. A lot of TAFE student gain employment through their prac placements before they even finish their course.

You wouldn't be any worse off financially plus in a year or two you have the ability to earn a higher income doing something you are qualified for and enjoy doing.

Also TAFE is fun, you get to meet loads of new people, the hours are quite short, so you should have enough time to study (not that there is much of it) most of it is worksheets and on the job assessment based (no exams) while the kids are in care and they are quite flexible and supportive.

If you have any, even tiny desire to become a youth worker you should go for it, what have you got to loose? If you decide you don't like it then you can stop and you haven't lost anything. I did a year of a law degree and almost a year of primary teaching before I decided what I wanted to do.

Mel - posted on 05/14/2011

I put bubs in bed tonight soon as 7.30 hit :) Now for my shower and the dinner clean up and play times with the dogs :) SHould be a relaxing few days. Bri doesnt sleep anymore but sometimes I get her to go to her room for an hour to play there in the arvo.

Studying, well I guess alot of it (I know I shouldnt listen to everyone else!) is I did bring up study with my mum a little while back she said studying doesnt make you money , back when I was studying as a teen she always told me she was out of home working FT and married by 16 yrs of age and I thnk she wanted the same for me, and now I jst dont think I could get motivated to study because it seems easier to work then come home and not have home work. I know I woudlnt be working but I have kids now and in the pre kids days I was doing my year 11 TEE working every day after school , having to skip classes to start work earlier to make more money and thursday nights were late night (not home til 11pm with buses) work all day saturday and only sunday for assignments and study not to mention study during the week with getting home late and after 6 months of it I was in tears because I coudlnt keep up with the study between work so I left study to work FT before falling pregnant. I had planned to return the following year after geting some mney behind and do cert II and III I think its called in community services but I also heard its hard to get into social work/youth work...

Nikki - posted on 05/14/2011

Glad your feeling better today. In regards to Tracey's going to bed early idea, I use that one too sometimes works well. I don't even worry about Issy's usual nightly bath, it's not worth the extra stress! For the second day in a row she has refused to have her daily sleep, so after 2pm she has been so cranky and tired, nothing has entertained her or kept her happy. Tonight she had her tea at 5pm and was asleep by 5.30, I think she still has pumpkin in her hair but we will deal with that tomorrow!

Do you mind me asking why you don't think you could study?

Mel - posted on 05/14/2011

thanks guys....I dont think I could study, honestly, my friend is enrolled in study so I know it makes things easier she pays $4 a week for her son to go to daycare all day 5 days a week, because shes studying, I did always want to be a youth worker but that went down the drain when I fell pregnant, and I just dont think I could go back to study Id much prefer to work, I asked my inlaws today to watch the kids while I went to the shop for half an hour, It was grea had a conversion with some lady at the checkout for ages lol, that put me in a much better mood. I am definately going to contact people to try and find a psych next week think its realy going to help me learn alot, control myself my anger just everything in my life in general. I do like the idea of just having fun with the girls. My FIL said I seemed much happier today we had fun, weplayed lots and she was also very well behaved which was so good...even ate all her meals I was quite impressed with everything she knows she gets something out of her treat bag when shes good, like a sticker lolly toy etc and I havent been able to use that for a while.

Tracey my kids werent quite in bed then I posted this while doing dinner, and I had to get thier hair washed that nigth so shower and bath time took a while got them to bed by 8ish, but yeah I know sometimes early night are good. Its just em and my 9 month old til monday arvo =) nice and relaxed now, I know I dont have to stress so much about housework because Ive only got one baby to manage now and this one actually naps :) Looking like hubby will be home thursday maybe even before. That 123 magic dvd stephanie tried to mail me a copy but it never got here yet, I think she was going to send it again if not then yeah I was thinking of purchasing it. My husband rarely works away probably why I dont handle it to well :) the longest he has ever been away is 8 days and every other time has been 2-5 days, and he generally only goes away about twice a year, however this year he went away to adelaide the day after we returned from our honeymoon then 2 weeks after he came home he left again (where he is now). I am learning better to cope without him but I do miss him alot, I did also tell him we need to have a serious talk and sort alot of things out when he gets home if we want to make this :)

Charlie - posted on 05/13/2011

Mel it sounds like your at breaking point Is there anyone that can take the kids for an hour or two a week so you can dedicate some time to YOU ?

I think Nikki has excellent advice about the behaviour issues , the whole terrible twos thing is deceiving because it certainly doesnt end at two .

Studying might be a good option for you as Nikki has suggested , definately worth looking into at least :)

Louise - posted on 05/13/2011

You seem like you have reached your limit. What I suggest with your children is to make sure there bedroom is completly kiddy safe and instead of constantly sending them to the naughty step which they wont sit on take them to there room and close the door. Let them calm down but most importantly it will give you time to breath and be rational without smacking them. You sound just like me years ago. With my sons (who are now adults) I really could not cope alone all day every day with two boys under 5. If I had only known then what I know now I would of been so much happier. Getting out of the house is a must for you contact your local play groups, normally run by the churches in the are although you do not have to be religious to join. Be brave and go along and force yourself to go until you make friends because believe me you will. What you are experiencing is normal so don't beat yourself up about it you just need support from other mums to get you through this everybody has there own threshold of stress and you have reached yours. Try and get out it will really help you no end. Believe me I have been where you are.

This time around with my daughter who is now 2.5 I have joined all the mums and tots groups going so that I can have company from the other mothers and my daughter can play in a safe and friendly enviornment. I am now out three mornings a week and havent been happier. I now have friends facing the same problems as I am raising my daughter and a problem shared is a problem

Nikki - posted on 05/13/2011

Good for you Tracey!!! It really does work, as soon as I find myself getting stressed and naggy I drop everything and take Issy to the play centre or dance around the house like drongos!! lol Last week it we did some face painting which ended up being full body painting! It was everywhere. We looked like lunatics but it was fun.

Sneaky - posted on 05/13/2011

Mel, when my hubby and I first moved in together he went on a four week trip to Europe. I was so depressed without him I felt like a zombie just going through the motions by the time he came back - and I didn't have kids then to irritate me either! I think the way you are feeling is perfectly natural. I wish he could give you a coming home date too - that would give you a goal to look forward to at least.

Sneaky - posted on 05/13/2011

@Nikki, though it wasn't directed at me I'm going to take your advice and take my kids out just to have fun with them this weekend, it's so easy to forget that they are suppose to be fun when they are just 'at' me all the time. It would be nice to relax instead of just getting through the day :o)

Nikki - posted on 05/13/2011

lol Tracey!

If you wanted to study instead of working, you will receive more centrelink assistance (bonus payments for study costs) and you are able to claim JET childcare subsidy. What this means is you basically pay nothing for childcare, it's like a dollar a day, or maybe a week I can't remember. Studying might be a good option if you want to get out of the house and meet people, plus once you finish you will have a qualification which will improve you employment and financial possibilities in the future.

Sneaky - posted on 05/13/2011

WOW - Nikki and I did NOT write the same thing!!!! First time EVER!

Sneaky - posted on 05/13/2011

What to do in the mean time? That I can answer!

Take a deep breath and breathe out slowly. You are a few hours behind me (I'm in NSW) - are your kids in bed yet or are you just holding on till then? (You can put them to bed early! Mine ended up in bed at 4.30 one night - they didn't sleep but at least I had some down time!).

You are doing all the right things for yourself - you told hubby to get his arse in gear, you told your nurse you needed help and got a referral, you vented here for support - you are doing all the right things so don't be hard on yourself.

I'm sorry about the job situation - that is depressing. I've had (have) post natal depression and I NEEDED to get OUT. I'm really lucky that I managed to find a night job so my hubby is home to look after the kids (and it still cuts into my centerlink payment like crazy, I end up working for $7 per hour - but it is worth it to talk to other people about anything but kids). Your hubby works away from home though so night work would not be an option for you? Is there anything you think you could do or would want to do from home? You obviously have internet so you could always set up your own business online or there are tonnes of party plan type things you could get into (without family and friends near it can be hard to get started, but it is also a good excuse to get out there and meet new people in your area) even something simple like AVON can get you out of the house - and the beauty of AVON is that you can take your kids with you! Even if there is nothing like that you want to do now, maybe just devote yourself to spending one or two hours a night 'working' on your own business - researching options, looking up how to start your own website or crunching the numbers to see if a party plan job could fit into your life.

Or have you considered online study? Open Universities Australia offers all sorts of courses and you do not need to have finished high school (they have a few sort of 'starting study' courses to get you started), at least that way you will not fell like you are just wasting your time as a SAHM (No one can comment on that - I do sometimes feel like I am wasting time JUST looking after my kids, I WANT to do more for myself and my career while I am on this break from the work force). I'm NOT telling you that you need to DO anything, but I am suggesting that you choose a 'project' just for you (working from home, or studying or even taking up knitting!), just one thing that you can focus on and do so you don't feel like your whole life revolves around your kids.

As to the smacking thing, yep, I've been there too. Three is such a HARD age. I can just do the 1,2,3 with my five year old and most of the time with my three year old and then suddenly she will do some thing that just pushes me over the edge (like pee on the floor and then get down on her hands and knees to play in it! Ick!) and I smack her before I even think about it and then feel terrible about it :o(. It happens, don't beat yourself up about it. And you realize you have been doing it more than you should so that means that you can try to change it :o) I'm sure by now you know all the methods (walking away and 1-2-3 Magic and all that stuff), so you just need the support to do it! And I KNOW that you can! You are smart enough to ask for help when you need it - so you are smart enough to change a behavior that you are unhappy with. You can do it!

So what to do? Relax and breathe (every second brings you closer to next week) and see if you can find a 'project' just for YOU, something that does not involve kids that you can get excited about :o)

You CAN do this, because you have BEEN doing it. Good luck.

Nikki - posted on 05/13/2011

Forget the housework and responsibilities for a few days. Your girls can tell your stressed and this will effect their behaviour. Might sound strange but spend a few days having silly fun with your girls, revolve everything around enjoying your time together. Go to the park, dance, paint, swim, cook anything you can think of that's fun. Take the time to relax and breathe and enjoy the company of your children. I promise it will de stress you, de stress the children and give you a little more energy. Of course life cant be fun and games all the time but I think parents at times forget that we need to have fun with our kids, especially when life is stressful. Try and make everyday things into fun experiences for your kids, ensure you have more time to do your usual activities so you don't have to rush and nag.

Talk to your daughter about why she doesn't want to go to care. Has this only just started happening? I know that you feel strongly about your day care lady but for me her fighting so much not to go raises a few red flags. Something is going on, something has or is happening which has upset her.

Pick your battles with the kids, try to ignore behaviours that are not hurting anyone. You will feel less stressed and the kids will respond better when you do have to pull them up on the big things. Praise all the little things they do, make a big deal over them when they behave or follow your directions.

If your angry, walk away. Take a few minutes for yourself and calm down before you respond.

Mel - posted on 05/13/2011

I also miss my husband...lots Ive never been away from him for this long before even just 2 weeks is dragging...hes not sure when hes coming home yet as there are some problems but I just wish there was a specific date