Spanking: I know

Katherine - posted on 09/04/2011

That's a great idea Jenni. I am going to use that.

Jenni - posted on 09/04/2011

I use "Red light" (usually when they're not listening in public) and counting for now. If they aren't listening and I'm getting frustrated, I count to 3. It levels my head and if I get to 3 before they listen... a consequence follows. For now it works! But they listen 99% of the time when I count. I don't use it very often though, it's sort of my last resort. Don't want to over use it. So I reserve it for times when listening is imperative.

The rest of the time I give them choice A) and choice B).

You can either choose A (the right choice) and something good will happen. Or you can choose B (the wrong choice) and a negative consequence will follow.

Shannen - posted on 09/04/2011

Julianne, I loved when the whispering would still work. It's a pity she has grown out of it now.

Julianne - posted on 09/04/2011

spank and swat are basically the same thing....both are striking the child.

Donna - posted on 09/04/2011

lol spanking when calm hmmm. im not a spanker but i do swat. hey im not a fan of repeating my self 20 freaking times. its an attention grabber, i feel like my kids think im saying shit to be an ass or i speak gibberish lol.

Julianne - posted on 09/03/2011

lol,i have my whisper voice too. Works great and shes only 2 :P

Gina - posted on 09/02/2011

I agree with finding other ways to discipline when you have calmed down. These who know me know I'm very anti spanking, that's why I'm sooo ashamed that I spanked (hit) my 13 year old a few days ago. I have spanked her once before when again I couldn't control my anger when she yelled that she wished I was dead. I hit her on the arm two slaps because after fighting all day with her, she lied to me about doing something, I was bed ridden in bad pain , not that that makes it alright but I just snapped and hit her, she couldn't believe it any more than I could.

If I was able to control my temper, I would have dealt with it without slapping her, It was wrong and I still feel guilty .



Katherine, my 13 year old is so sassy, I have grey hair!

Casey - posted on 09/01/2011

i think spanking or smacking children is only useful to make the parent 'feel better' or vent their anger. Doesn't so a damn thing to the kids other than cause pain. and all this it "didn't do me any harm I got spanked as a kid' nonsense Did it do you any GOOD? Does it bring children closer to their parents ? And if you have to do it more than once how is it any more effective than time out or grounding as most people will have to discipline their children more than once in their lifetimes.

Jenni - posted on 09/01/2011

Oh and try hard not to overreact. If she IS doing these things to get your (negative) attention. The moment you show it's getting to you, that's the moment you've lost. Address the negative behaviour and why it is unacceptable but remain calm and firm. Use your whisper voice.

My kids have learned that my 'whisper voice' means business and they are to listen up!

Jenni - posted on 09/01/2011

Katherine, do you provide her with an appropriate response to anger and frustration?



I know you said you model taking time outs which is great! But maybe she needs more tools to handle her emotions and more direction.

It's good to find opportunities to catch her *before* she hits. And tell her to "'Stop and Think.' What do we do when we're mad?"

Then provide her with alternatives. Test a few and see which one suits her best. Offer these alternatives in an upbeat way,

It could be teaching her to squeeze a stuffed toy. "I see your mad! Here's bear! Give him a hard squeeze!"

Count to ten.

Deep breathing.

Stomp her feet.

Walk away.

Use your words.

Basically, some alternative to venting her anger instead of hitting or throwing.

It's possible that walking away and taking quiet time (or timeout) isn't enough for her. She may need some alternative to vent. It's best to encourage her to do these things on her own accord, rather than being forced (like with timeouts). Also, model these alternatives yourself when you are angry.



I'm pretty sure you know all the... avoid unnecessary power struggles and make a request (not up for debate) followed by two choices (option).

I'd also try to allow her to find the consequences out for herself (when it isn't dangerous). State things in the form of a choice: You can either choose A) the right choice and this will be the positive result or B) and this will be the negative consequence. Then let her decide for herself what option she wants... followed by either praise/reward or discussion/consequence.



If she's disrespectful in any way. Address it, "That is not a nice tone. You can choose to say it nicely and I will help or I will ignore you, your choice."



I use the "Go to your room and calm yourself down" if they yell or engage in any behaviour that is overly demanding, crying or whinning over wanting something. "...and I will speak to you again once you are calm and can ask nicely."



I'm not sure if you're already doing these things, but blah blah blah and consistancy/repeatition is the key. Hopefully, I've added something helpful! :)

Katherine - posted on 09/01/2011

Shockingly my 2.5 year old knows not to go into the street because her sister and I have DRILLED it into her head. That doesn't mean she won't do it still, they're very unpredictable little buggers.
My ex parked in the street and she ran to greet him and I had to high tail it after her. Other than that she just doesn't do it.

Now my 5.5 year old tests my limits constantly. She's the one I have a problem with. Grrrrr, she mimics me and just is so naughty at times. She's really hurt her sister by throwing things or hitting her. I always give her a time out. She's purposely screamed in my ear. I think she needs attention. I just don't know how much she needs. I do things with her all the time.


Maybe we need to do a one on one.

Jenni - posted on 09/01/2011

Katherine, I think you covered the reasons I don't spank to a "T".

I made the decision not to spank before I had kids. Not something I "vowed" but just something I never agreed with based on personal experiences with it, I guess.

My parents never used 'tools' to spank me. I don't remember them ever being angry when they did it. They always seemed calm. It didn't make me hate them, overall for it. It didn't damage me, that I know of. I only recall being spanked a handful of times. It was always the classic, over the knee in usually 5 repeatition. Physically, it didn't really hurt *much*.

But the reasons I never agreed with it as a form of punishment is because I felt it was uneffective. I just found it made me angry with my parents for humilating me and violating me. So after when they sent me to my room to *think about what I had done* or they talked to me about my behaviour. I did the "la la la la" I don't care what you're saying, I'm MAD at YOU! So I found it would take the blame off myself for the negative behaviour and allowed me to place the blame and angry on my parents for violating me. Sure, it was effective in the sense I did what was necessary to avoid the punishment. But I rarely, learned *why* I shouldn't and as I aged I just learned to be sneaky.

I have slipt up. My son has tried my patience to the point I lost control. When I was pregnant with my daughter, my son was always crazy, unruly during diaper changes. He kicked me in the stomach and I reacted by slapping the side of his bare bottom. So like Katherine, I've always felt that if I were to open the door to spanking as a form of discipline, I would only be risking losing control when I'm angry. So better to avoid it all together and develop strategies for in the future to effectively cope with my frustrations without lashing out physically.

Yup, I seethe when I'm angry. I breathe funny. I count to ten between bared teeth. But with practice I've been successful at not speaking (other than my tens) and walking away with a simple message: "Mommy is very angry. I need quiet time to calm down." if my husband's available I tell him: "Ok. I'm about to lose it! Take over!"

I'm also like Monique. I am brutally honest with my children when it comes to safety. That's also how I dealt with road safety. Although, my son assumes when I say: "Cars drive very fast and they are very hard, if you go into the road they will hit you." That I mean, the cars will run over his toe. Yeah, ummm much worse than that. But that's still enough of a deterent that he knows not to go into the road. I also constantly point out vehicles to him when we are walking. See that car, becareful of it. Look, there's another car we have to wait until it goes past us. Do you see any cars?? I remind him constantly when we are near a road. "Remember our rules of safety near the road?" and he'll repeat: "ummm no running near the road? walk slow? Don't go near the road! Hold hands!"

He was watching Rango a few weeks ago. There is a car accident in the first scene. He tells me, "That's because they didn't hold hands to cross the road!"

When he was too young to understand road safety. I kept him secure. Either carried him or used a stroller. He still at 3 holds my hand on the sidewalk at all times. Not worth the risk to me. But he definitely has a fear of the road and is noticeably cautious because I have instilled fear of the road. I think it's completely appropriate for a 3 year old to have fear of the road. But I have never spanked him to teach him that. I want him to fear the road, not me.

Danielle - posted on 09/01/2011

I won't spank if I'm mad.. I have to make them go to their room while I cool off. I rarely spank, I threaten it ALOT but I only do it when it's something serious. (Like dangerous). I'll be honest though, my son is getting really out of hand here lately and I REALLY want to. I'm running out of things to take away from him.

Stifler's - posted on 08/31/2011

It just happened. LOL. It was one of those not thinking moments and just BOOM on his butt and NEVER GO ON THE ROAD AGAIN

Shannen - posted on 08/31/2011

Emma i thought you were fully against smacking?

Stifler's - posted on 08/31/2011

Oh I lie I whooped his ass the other week because I told him to stay on the footpath and he gave me this cheeky smile and ran onto the street in front of a moving truck. He hasn't gone on the street since.

Stifler's - posted on 08/31/2011

That's the only time I feel like spanking Logan (he's not even old enough to be spanked I don't think) is when I am mad at him for pulling my coffee off the bench or 2 entire bottles of red wine or opening the lids of 2 bottles and tipping them all over the carpet. Once I've *calmed* down.... I don't spank him. I just give him a firm talking to and demand that he not touch anything on the bench. Not that he can understand or he's listening.

Shannen - posted on 08/31/2011

I haven't 'spanked' my daughter in over 2 years not. When she is doing something she shouldn't be sometimes i tap her on the shoulder as in knock ot off but it's nothing more then a way to get her attention. She is 5 next month. My 3yr old doesn't get smacked because he just gets worse and my 1 yr old doesn't even get a tap on the hand because he thinks it's a game.
So i guess i don't spank when i'm mad but i have in the pat. Strange enough i'm better at controling my anger now that i'm single I guess it'd because i know i have no one to pull me up so- to- speak.

Jurnee - posted on 08/31/2011

I know the feeling Katherine. Mine will make me start ranting and threatening things they know I wont do. Like you will never watch tv again, you will never see outside again, etc, just useless threats. Sometimes I just remove myslef from the situation, send myself to my room,haha.

Katherine - posted on 08/31/2011

I have to stop it when I'm mad, but boy can my 5 year old push my buttons. She is soooooooooo sassy!!!!

Jurnee - posted on 08/31/2011

I have spanked, usually for the reasons you mentioned, running into the street,etc. Those dangerous situations a tap on the hand or swat on the butt. That's mostly when my kids were young, cant remember the age anymore. I did rely on fear, cars can kill you, bad people can take you, etc. when I get real angry, my kids know to give me some space and not test me. Because I will lecture, and my son cant stand it,lol. He knows its best to retreat and let me think before I come up with a punishment, because a weekend grounding can quickly turn into a week.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 08/31/2011

When Im pissed no I don’t spank..I let my 8year old know..get out of my face/eyes sight and he runs for the hills so to speak. I haven’t had to physically punish him in years.
When im at that point (that does not happen often) I know if I go to hit him or any parent who does its mostly out of anger they feel, not really to teach their child, but to get the frustration they feel out.

I have never spanked my son when he was younger let me clarify my definition of a spanking is holding on to your child and letting lose for a good minuet or more. Have I popped him on the hand or butt yep sure have…and did it work in my case..yep sure did. It worked because of how he is now at 8 years old.
But what also worked for me is being brutally honest with him even at 3..I would let him know if you run in that street you can bleed and end up in the hospital. At 4 I added in you can die.
Or I say play where I can see you someone might take you, at 5 I added in if they take you I may never see you and they will try and hurt you…those are just examples.


I know a little girl who is spanked borderline beat…and it has no effect what so ever. she still acts the same way, and I try and point this out to the mother and yet she continues to whoop her child…she has no patience to try other things.

You can’t treat all kids the same, just like you cant effectively teach kids all the same.