To the point where making friends is pointless.

Karen - posted on 05/21/2011 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My husband and I had the chance to get really cheap tickets to a nascar show wich I had never been to and heard it's a lot of fun. Well he said he would never go because he couldn't stand sitting there watching a bunch of cars go around in a circle all day. I had begged him several times as we have a friend who would give us free tickets. But still no. At his work they had a drawing for a Nascar race in Charlotte (7hrs away) and he put in for it. Knowing he could only get 1 ticket and we can't afford another 1 for me. All of his friends won and his name is being put in with 7 others for a chance to win. They have 5 tickets left to give away. so he is most likely going to get it. I am stuck at home all the time with the kids. No car, no money ect. All my friends gave up on trying to hang out with me because since I've had the kids, i can't go anywhere without them. Only 1 friend left and she is in the same boat and we live too far away for her to afford to visit. He is always getting invited to go somewhere by his friends and I'm left out. He told them for years that we can't get a sitter but we can. So they figure I have to stay home and don't even bother asking if I can come. The guys go every year fishing for 3-4 days in New york and I don't even get to drive down to the store (1 mile away) by myself more than 1 every 3-4 months. It's depressing. i've had other friends invite me to the beach, babyshowers, weddings, reunions ect. And the answer is always no unles he has something else to do and I can take the kids, and I will be back in 3hrs or less. well friends have tried begging him to let me go anywhere for a few hours and they give up and just leave because it's too much work to change his mind. I've made many friends but none stay once they see how much he controls my time out. Maybe it's my fault that I created some trust issues when i was a teen w/him. I told him I was going to quit smoking and did try very hard but failed and kept it a secret. i also cheated on him the day after we MET (i had no idea if he even liked me), He's mad about the lying. But for the past 8yrs. i have been honest with him and feel that my punishement should be over with by now. I don't think I did anything to deserve a whole lifetime of being sheltered. He treats me well otherwise. i'm happy with him besides this. I'm even fine with him going out after work cus he's only gone for an hr. or 2. but when he gets these trips for days It's hard to keep from being mad the whole weekend. It's not fair to the kids and I try to lighten up but it just feels so unfair. Sorry it's so long but I'm sure there are lots of you who know how I feel. We haven't even had a date night in 5 months.

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Lissa - posted on 05/22/2011

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OK reading this (if I am understanding correctly) made my blood boil. You go out if he ALLOWS it??
You are not in a prison, it is not up to him where you go or if you go and at what time you will be back!!
I say to my husband I'm going to .... is that ok and he does the same. When we say it we are not asking for permission it's more like I plan to do this will it clash with any plans you have. If it does we figure out something that works for us.
This man is a total control freak, it sounds to me like he has completely isolated you and has made you feel like his controlling behaviour is your fault.To be honest the phrase "he treats me well otherwise" just makes me think ok so he completely controls you, you do what he says so he treats you nice, what is he like when you don't "do as your told"?
Maybe I sound extreme here but I have seen similar happen to friends, if it were me I would run as far from him as possible and not look back.

Stacey - posted on 05/26/2011

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Go to a mommy & me group. I know, I know...packin' up the kids and lugging them back and forth is a pain but you'll get out of the house and get some friends for your kids and for your self! It'll take some time to build a relationship that you'll be able to trust someone to care for your kids but soon you'll have people who want to take your kids for a few hours or invite just you over to have a coffee or dinner. You do have to reciprocate ;) though. As for your husband, you need to sit him down when the kids are in bed and tell him, not yell at him, what you want and need from him and in life. Ask him what it is that he wants. If he storms off or shuts down after you try to tell him why this is important to you then you have your answer of how life will be in the future. If he suddenly sees the light ~ great! If he doesn't, ask yourself if this is how you want your kids to see you and if your unhappiness and loneliness is something you want to live in for the rest of your life. I'm a black & white kinda person so it's easy for me to throw this out there but you need to do what's right for you and your kids.My husband & I don't have date nights, we don't even sleep in the same bed. That's because we have 2 high need kids 2 y.o & 15 months & neither sleep so we take turns "sleeping" (or not sleeping) with them. He works hard all day & still comes home and helps with dinner, bath, homework, shopping, whatever needs to be done. Plus I'm away an average 2 weeks a month with our sick baby girl in the hospital but I know he can pull his weight when I'm not home with our 2 boys. We both had horrible relationships and I think that has actually made us more accepting of our own quirks. I had a husband similar to yours and that's why he's an ex. I hope that you get what you need because everyone deserves to be happy, healthy and cherished. But you have to change things because no one is going to do it for you. Good luck!

Katherine - posted on 05/24/2011

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OR you can say Thursdays (or whatever day) are MY days. Deal with it homeboy.

Brooke - posted on 05/25/2011

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Trust me - take it upon yourself to find the care. You still won't ever go. He will create issues why you can't. Been there done that - do it yourself!

Brooke - posted on 05/23/2011

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YIKES!!! My eldest son's father was that way - he was an alcoholic and didn't want me to leave the house. RUN! This is not a healthy way to be in a relationship and it's NOT good for your kids to see. They need to see that they are being raised by a stong woman who involves herself in activities. Find a friend that you can trust with the kids and leave them with her to get some free time. Or join something at a place where they have day care available - church, a gym, etc. so you can get a time period every week to yourself that doesn't rely on him!

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Shannintipton - posted on 06/08/2011

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Didn't even read the post just the title. But I agree. What is the point.

Karen - posted on 05/23/2011

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Yeah I guess that's what I'm going to have to do. We've been married for 8yrs. now. He's had to watch the kids before when I was working 2nd shift and they are super good for him. If it's because he doesn't trust me, then the only way to get him past it is to show him he can. And an update on the nascar trip...he was checking prices last night on tickets for me and the kids and planning on taking us all along if he wins. That was a shock cus i hadn't told him i was upset but he knows i've always wanted to go. But i still need to go out sometime to prove to him that he can trust me. i'll just give him a time and place and stick to it to start out.

Stifler's - posted on 05/23/2011

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Just leave the house and be like I'M LEAVING THE KIDS HERE BYE NOW HAVE FUN.

Tah - posted on 05/22/2011

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I need to take a second and digest this.....you cheated the day after you met him...WHAT the FLIP EVER.....that and smoking doesn't equal this..you say you never fight.....well brace yourself cause his is big enough a deal to have a blow up...one day while he's watching tv....come out the bathroom in your best clothes and say a cool...I'll be back, keep the kids alive and leave.....you did and do continue to allow it...dont

Karen - posted on 05/22/2011

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what I meant by he treats me great and everything is that we have a good marriage. We never fight, he never complains about the house even if I slack for days, he's not controlling in any other manner. He just simply won't let me go anywhere uless it's with the kids. i can take them to the park, to a friends house ect. provided we have the gas money. I can call whoever i want and anyone can come see me. Most of my friends I have made were at work and they didn't have kids. So coming to see me, or going somewhere with the kids wasn't appealing to them. he lets me buy whatever as long as we have the money. But with gas prices being so high, and him having to use our only vehicle to go to work cause his broke down, it's not very often that we get the chance to go shopping. plus he just started 7 12hr days. So this is the only thing that I don't like. i don't mind him going out for a little bit since he recently became the only one working. I quit my job because I couldn't have anytime with my kids at all where I was. And he was encouraging me too also because he knew I barely had time to eat and he was worried. but he was able to watch them while I worked. Why can't he watch them for a few hrs once in a while. I don't understand.

Katherine - posted on 05/22/2011

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My husband used to do the same shit to me. It was always ok for him to go out almost everyday but when I wanted to it was a hassle.
I would just go if I were you. I used to lie and say I was going grocery shopping and not come home for hours. See how he liked it. Not the MOST mature way to get my point across but it worked.
All moms need a break period. I don't understand why they don't GET that. I divorced him by the way.

Karen - posted on 05/22/2011

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Yeah but he won't do it. He doesn't like the idea of talking to someone he doesn't know about anything. I figure someday the kids will be older and I will have all the time in the world to go out. Just sometimes it's hard when he does something big like this. It made me feel like crap because he didn't want to go when I asked. But as soon as his friends asked, it was a trip he couldn't pass up. When we do get a chance to have a date night it's going to wal mart or something. He can never think of anything to do with me. But finds all kinds of stuff to do with his friends. I've talked to him before but it was a few yrs. ago so maybe if I give it a try again.

Sneaky - posted on 05/22/2011

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I know this sounds like the same old, same old, but have you considered marriage counseling?

It is certainly not fair that you never get a chance to go out :o( I am sorry.

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