TWO can play THAT Game!!

Amber - posted on 03/23/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I found out yesterday (on accident) that my boyfriend of more than 5 years bought a motorcycle! A MOTORCYLCE! Last week!!

Here's some background:
We live together, but he is on active duty for the military right now.
He's only stationed about 3-4 hours from home, so we've been trying to see each other every weekend. This has helped our son deal with the transition and keeps our family together.

He was here ALL weekend. And obviously when I said, "What's new?" A NEW motorcycle didn't cross his mind at all! It took a week for me to find out about it.

I had called to see if I could pay for a test that I needed to take for my master's degree. It costs several hundred dollars and I wanted to run it by him before I spent that much. He said, "Oh, that's fine. I actually spent $400 less on the bike than I had saved." I said, "What bike?"

This was after he bought a new 46' flat screen without telling me.

And he thinks I'm irrational for wondering what else he's hiding now? He says I'm overreacting by being upset and have no reason to be. He says I knew that he wanted one. Well, wanting and owning are two different things! Every time I drive down to visit him he's bought something else! It's absurd.

He says that the bills are all paid and I shouldn't be worried about it. But I'm pissed. I would have told him to buy the bike if he asked, but he didn't! It's not like we can't afford it or that I'm worried about the money. It's just the fact that he couldn't even be bothered to tell me that I now own a fucking motorcycle!

His excuse? I was going to surprise you with it....REALLY?!? You were going to surprise ME with a present you bought for yourself?
He's never pulled anything like this before, and I'm completely blown away. Everything we do is discussed and decided on as a team...until now.

So, I've decided that our back deck needs to be converted into a screened in Four Seasons room with a dining table that seats six. Let's see how he likes it!

Sorry its so long...I could add a million other things, but I'll stop.

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Amber - posted on 03/23/2011

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No, you don't understand correctly.

We have a house together. We have joint banking. We do live together, but at the current moment he is on active duty (which is completely different from living separately). I am a SAHM.
It is NOT his money, it is household money. It is family money as per our agreement for me to be a stay at home mom to our child.

Christy - posted on 03/23/2011

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You are right, you both need to be on the same page regarding big decisions like this!

I used to work as a counselor off and on on a military post in Texas. I found that a lot of the soldiers (not all) seem to get acclimated to that way of life, even if they see their husbands/wives on a regular yet periodic basis. What I mean is, sort of a group mentality thing. Esp with the men.....they talk and someone or several others tell the person debating doing something like this and they go ahead and do it because they were told something like "what, you have to ask your wife for permission to buy something when you're the one in the military?" or "who wears the pants in the family, you or her?" These are true examples I have heard first hand amongst a million others. Maybe this will help you when talking to him.

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Jennifer - posted on 03/23/2012

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motorcycles get really great gas millage and you dont have to have chaps and gloves and a leather coat or the most expensive helmets and motorcycle insureints can get lower than a car my dad had his at $35 as long as he knows how to rid safe and not dumb i think in the long run it would be good and to him not tell you i would mad to

Charlie - posted on 03/30/2011

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I do that all the time ........ " oh thats ok I bought this new top but it's ok it was on sale so I saved HEAPS " LOL

But seriously that is a big buy and things that cost a lot should always be discussed IMO , I hope he decides to talk about big purchases in the future because your right what if you needed the cash for something important .

Amber - posted on 03/25/2011

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Chad used the save money argument too...which I just ignored because I'm well aware that it won't but didn't want to argue with him.
We already have all of the helmets and riding bags because we've owned motorcycles before. Another annoyance because we just went through the hassle of selling two of them 18 months ago.

Chad and I don't make all decisions as a team, but have always made big decisions as a team. We both have our own entertainment spending money in the monthly budget. So, there is a set amount that we spend without discussing it on whatever we want. Anything outside of that has always been discussed.
And we also socialize the same as you. We have our own friends that are independent of each other. Sometimes we all get together, but usually he gets guy night and I get girls nights. I don't see that as not being a team, I just see that as having our own lives and interests outside of the relationship too.

I think last night he kind of half got it. I asked him what he would have done if I had a major expense coming up that I was planning on telling him about when I saw him that weekend. If he had already spent the money, we wouldn't have been able to afford my expense because he wouldn't have told me what was going on....

I don't want him to ask me permission to buy things. I just want him to tell me that he's spending thousands of dollars before it happens so that I can have input on it.

Renae - posted on 03/25/2011

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I guess this really depends on the dymanics of your relationship and how you guys work.



My husband has owned a car kept at a friends house for over 6 months and noone thought to tell me. But, then, he has lots of cars and I really couldn't care less. We have been together 11 years and married for 3.5. We have always had our own spending money and we do with it whatever we want. I think this is an issue for you when it wouldn't be for me because as you said, you do everything as a team, we do some things as a team and some things separately, e.g. no more than 50% of our social lives would be spent together, we have mutual friends but we also have our own friends. I would never want to feel like I needed permission to do or buy something and neither would my husband. If we ask each other we are asking for their opinion or advice. This goes for most decisions except buying houses.



I also think its just a male thing not to think to tell us stuff. An example that comes to mind, a couple of years ago I got home from work on a day hubby had off. I asked what he had done and how his day was - usual stuff. He said he had watched sport and done nothing and it was fine. 2 weeks later he mentions something about the day he had to push his car for blocks to a petrol station. He has protuding discs and a bad back so pushing a car is a very big deal. Turns out it happened that day that he had off. How do you have a major hassle like that and its the only big thing that happens that day, and you hurt your back doing it, and you dont think to mention it when someone says "how was your day?". But that's him. That's just what he is like. He just doesn't think to say things out loud!



What I think you guys need are some ground rules. How much can you spend, what sort of things can you both buy that you have to ask about and what can you just go out and get. Spell it out and then this will never happen again. For example, my husband can spend his spending on anything, unless it is something that will go in the common areas of the house and not either of his 2 rooms or his sheds (he is allowed to put things in the front lounge, study, garage and sheds - I should clarify there is more to this though, he is a hoarder). I didn't ask him when I bought our 50" TV.



A lot of people think we have a weird relationship and I get comments about how independant we are, like its a bad thing. But people who know us know it works for us.

Candi - posted on 03/24/2011

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my husband is dead set on getting a motorcycle. He says it would save money in the long run.....Really? lets see, you'd have to buy gloves, leather jacket, chaps, he may be able to wear his boots, Helmet, motorcycle license and motorcycle insurance...hmmm, where are the savings? Tthe cheapest helmet is in the hundreds. And he keeps looking on Craigslist. I hate that site. All of his friends have a motorcycle and they try to sell him their old crap b/c they have upgraded to a better one. We live on one military income, have 3 kids, I can't even finish my schooling now b/c he decided to go to school first (we have to pay for his books), yet he still wants a motorcycle. I told him he had the chance to get one but bought his truck instead. I mean, we agreed one time to wait until we found out where our next station is before spending money on something rediculous. I don't know. Some things just bother me

Bonnie - posted on 03/24/2011

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I would totally be pissed and flip out if my husband did this. When you live together whether married or through common law, his money becomes our money and every big purchase should be made together!

Stifler's - posted on 03/24/2011

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That's some crazy shit I would be pissed too! I'd totally do the deck thing too hahahahaha!

Amber - posted on 03/23/2011

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I haven't even seen the stupid thing yet. And I don't actually care that he bought it. I just want him to apologize for what he did and for us to make sure it won't happen again.

But his way of "making things better" is to let me know that he's also putting money aside for the engagement ring I picked out. 1) Thanks for ruining the surprise. 2) The two things have nothing to do with each other!

I'm still steaming hot...lol. He just doesn't get it.

He's probably happy that he lives away from the family home right now because it would not be good for his health.

Iridescent - posted on 03/23/2011

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Totally different situation! Thanks for clarifying. Yea, I'd be pissed. Big time. Bike would be listed in classifieds.

Iridescent - posted on 03/23/2011

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Um, he's your boyfriend. Not living with you. Paying his own bills and actually willing to help you with yours if I understand this correctly. I guess I'd consider it his right to spend his money, and say you're being a lot too controlling over it.

Amber - posted on 03/23/2011

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The other soldiers didn't even know that he bought it until after they saw it parked outside. And I know all of his friends in the service, I can't imagine any of them doing that.
In fact, his roommate didn't buy a TV until discussing it with his girlfriend first.
So, Chad is just being a douche. It wasn't his friends urging him on.

Sneaky - posted on 03/23/2011

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My husband is not even in the military (so doesn't have that excuse) and he still sold my car without telling me . . .and yes, two years later he is still in big trouble for it.

In my opinion, men are sometimes just morons.

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