Would you want to know?

Kristi - posted on 06/18/2012

Corinne--

So glad you weren't offended, I was thinking about that most of last night and considered taking my post down. It's one thing for a person to talk negatively about their family, quite a different when somone else is doing it, most of the time anyways. It is hard cutting ties with "family." But I was saying the other day that sometimes family doesn't mean blood and vice versa. My best friend in more like a sister to me than my blood sister and it isn't because we don't love each other in our case. I moved away right after high school and she went to college and we had completely separate lives, we rarely ever talked on the phone either. But my best friend was there for me through some seriously bad times and I for her. We know each other's likes & dislikes, we looked out for our children, etc...my point is, you can make your own family. As long as your kids are loved, they will be happy. They don't need mean, hurtful people in their life just because the family tree says "Grandma" by her name.

Oh, by the way, to answer your actual question...after a certain amount of time, you won't even care anymore whether you know or not and that is what will really set you free from them.

Corinne - posted on 06/18/2012

No Kristi, we're not offended - in fact, I think you hit the nail on the head! She's behaving like the kids she's teaching. We're in the U.K, my husband and I are from 'rival' counties, I'm from Lancashire, he's from Yorkshire. He moved here for his studies, met me and never left. His parents once told the kids that people from Lancashire are scum, which since my kids were born here includes them too. I was wary from the start, as she was almost a carbon copy of my Dad (3 degree, v. clever, well respected scientist, no hold on emotions, anger issues) and we have nothing to do with him because of his history of violence (towards me and my Mum). But, like you say, once you've seen what someone is capable of.....well, my kids come first and I'd rather we had less 'family' and more happy memories.

Kristi - posted on 06/18/2012

Hi Corinne! I'm sorry about your situation, it sounds awful. My ex-MIL was a nightmare from hell also, but in different ways...same results though. My daughter will not see her as long as she's under my care and protection. One bright, silver lining is that your husband stands behind you. So many men with mothers like that don't have the "equipment" to say no to them. She is definitely set in her ways and if she were a man, I dare say people might call her behavior pyschological abuse. I'll say it woman to woman. She sounds like nothing more than a modern day teenage girl bully. I shouldn't say "nothing more than" because bullying is very traumatic. Seriously, texting and starting rumors and making nasty comments, playing the victim, etc...it is like a movie script for a teenage drama. The most popular girl in school who bosses everybody around, always gets her way, picks on the person who APPEARS to be the weakest link, doing all the things mentioned above, all the while the "weak link"(you) is going along, trying to stay out of her way, minding her own business, getting good grades (being a good mom), staying out of trouble (keeping a nice house), etc. Everybody in the movie (or Mike's family) goes along with the bully, laughing and teasing the weak link. Eventually, the weak link finds the courage to stand up for herself, she usually ends up with the most popular boy and and all of the bully's loyal subjects generally walk away in relief and embarrassment. So stands the bully all alone, maybe a couple of desperate followers but....identical. Sorry, you probably didn't need me to give you that break down. But I'm just shaking my head at how a grown woman, any grown adult, not just your MIL, can behave in such a way and expect to get away with it. I gathered you are not from the U.S., is that right? Is bullying an isssue where you live? I'd say you and your husband are doing alright for now. This was her choice, not yours. I understand, you probably want your kids to know their grandparents, I did with my daughter. But once I knew what that woman was capable of, I banned her. I'm not saying to hell with all grandparents! My parents are normal, nuturing grandparents. I know lots of those grandparents. But I'm just saying, IMO, err on the side of caution. The last thing you want to hear is one of children coming home and asking you "what is an..." or calling you "an uneducated w****." Talk about a hard explanation without saying something bad about grandma.....Again, all this is IMO so you can tell me what to do with it if you want! : ) I hope I didn't offend you or your husband by calling his mom a teenage bully. I wish you good luck in this very delicate matter!

Corinne - posted on 06/17/2012

Hi Katherine. I honestly wouldn't know what to say to her! I've written lots of letters, but as a form of therapy to try and make sense of it all. The hardest thing is trying to explain to the kids what's happened as we don't know ourselves. I've told them that Grandma has a poorly mind and isn't thinking properly, which has made her say some naughty things that have upset us. Don't know what else to say.

Katherine - posted on 06/17/2012

Wow Coinne. Doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be around either! She is very petty and it's not worth the trouble IMO. I know people that age don't change either. Maybe you could write her a letter?

Corinne - posted on 06/17/2012

Hi there Pamela. Sorry the info here is sparse, I've been venting about this here for the last year so some of these ladies will have an idea about what has gone on. The main post and what I've written to follow, is pretty much all I have to go on too, which is why the whole thing is so damned frustrating!
I'll try to paint a picture. My M.I.L is well educated, she has 3 degrees and numerous other qualifications under her belt. Unfortunately she doesn't connect very well emotionally and measures success via academic acheivement and the size of your bank balance. Therefore, when her son started dating a dancer/choreographer who didn't make a lot of money and didn't have a degree, she wasn't very happy. As a result, I never felt accepted by her. Soon after, Mike and I moved in together which was also frowned upon. We began to talk about marriage and kids and had a good idea of where our life together was going. Then, the small scale theatre company I worked for suffered a huge financial blow, we could no longer run our big show and I had to make a choice, stay with Mike, or move to London to take on other dance work while the company got sorted. I chose to stay here with Mike and we decided that now was the time to put our plans for a family into action.
We had 2 kids, 2yrs apart as we had planned. His mother told eveyone that the kids were accidents and she'd had to buy things for us because we were broke. Completely untrue. She also told people that Mike was only marrying me as it was 'the right thing to do'- again, untrue. When she visited, she would make horrid remarks about the kids' paternity and my lack of education (see previous posts in this thread). Mike told me she was spoiling for a fight, it was something she did often and I should ignore it, so I did.
As time went on, she began to visit less often (every 6-8 weeks instead of 4-6). Mike would never take the time off work for her visits, as he couldn't 'be bothered with the drama'. She would tell us she was coming and when and expected us to drop our plans. She told me that she was taking my child away for Christmas one year, no asking, no consultation, just told. When I said I'd have to speak with Mike, she told me she'd spoken to him and that he'd okayed it - he hadn't and it never went ahead. She is a very dominant lady and doesn't like to be challenged. She seems to demand things so you are less likely to deny her.
I have always tried to accomodate her and tried to kill this drama with kindness. I've been a nervous wreck before her visits and have sobbed for hours when she has left, yet she tells my husband that I'm mean and make her feel unwelcome and uncomfortable. Apparently the whole family feels this way, which when Mike asked them about it, they denied. His gran has since changed her view and now thinks that this is all some plan of mine to keep my husband and kids away from them.
As Mike and I have discussed it, we've found nothing that makes any kind of sense. He has vowed to make his mother stand by her last text to him (I want nothing more to do with you) and has stated that even if I were to get to the bottom of this and turn his mother around, he doesn't want to see her ever again or have the kids near her (she has a history of violence towards him). There isn't really a problem to solve anymore, but I do appreciate any feedback or advice, as I still feel I have to tread carefully with the kids and I'll be getting many more difficult questions from them in the future.

Pamela - posted on 06/16/2012

First o all, you don't explain what the situation is; why the grandparents are not included in his life or what happened. So how can we offer any advice with so little background information? If this is a continued post from before, I am not familiar with the situation as first posted. If you really want input on solving a problem, give us more info to work with. Thanks1

Corinne - posted on 06/16/2012

Mike also told me, that when his Mum tried to get custody of his cousin, who was in no danger (she just didn't like her sisters new fella), she ended up refusing to speak to said sister for 6yrs - couldn't understand what she'd done wrong! Jeez, screwed up noodle or what?

Katherine - posted on 06/16/2012

Petty, petty!

Dove - posted on 06/16/2012

I'm glad you know SOMETHING now! ;)

Corinne - posted on 06/16/2012

Well, we had a talk last night and it's all as clear as mud! I now know that the 'personal and nasty' comments weren't as bad as I'd've thought. She said I was manipulative, deceitful and vindictive; I honestly thought there would've been more to it than that. We went over everything and still aren't clear on anything really. Seems she's spat the dummy because I put my foot down and stuck up for me and mine, and when Mike couldn't be swayed either she cut contact. Still don't see when or how I've been 'manipulative, deceitful or vindictive'?! She's a very dominant lady, she says, you do. I'm guessing that my refusals to let her do what she wants, when she wants, with our kids, when she can't be polite enough to ask; have made her flip her lid. Pathetic really. Glad I know now, that I hadn't done or said anything. Thanks for 'listening' to sh!t once again!

Corinne - posted on 06/15/2012

Ha, ha! I'm curious and nosy too, that's why this is killing me, I think.
His Mum spent the first 6.5yrs prodding with nasty little comments about my past. I was a dancer, so automatically a whore. I chose not to go to uni, but instead got a job in my chosen field (dance), so I'm uneducated. She's questioned the 'paternity' of the kids and my birth control choices and refered to my babies as 'whoopsies' ; she's taken every opportunity to put me down and hurt me and I've 'ignored' it. Of course, I've cried like a wee girly when she's gone and when I've told Mike about it, but he always said it was just her way of testing me, she wanted an argument. Last March, she fell out with Mike for a month because he didn't send her a Mothers day card - he has never sent cards to anyone for anything. She blew up at him when he told her we were moving, as she couldn't just drop everything and help us?! Never asked for help, just giving the new address. Then when she came to the new house she ignored me. I had to go help my cousin that day, so wasn't about much but it's the first time I haven't been there when they've visited and Mike, for once, had taken the day off; I thought she'd've appreciated the time with her son and grandkids.
My daughters birthday rolled around and none of Mikes side of the family came, I was puzzled. Apparently they were all 'busy'? M.I.L's birthday falls 13 days later and she expects the kids there, Mike offers me a kid free weekend which I take up as I'd not had a work free, kid free day ever. Then, 2 weeks before my sons birthday, Mike told me what had gone on. His Mum had been calling and texting saying things that were 'personal and nasty' about me and that she wouldn't be coming to the house if I was there. He told me that it'd been going on for months and the reason I'd got the kid free weekend was because I was not invited to attend the party, as she didn't want to 'make a scene in public'? Mike also said that he'd done some digging, asking his family about things that had supposedly happened (?) and it turned out his mum was lying - again I don't know what I've said or done as even Mike doesn't know, I've just made her uncomfortable or said 'something' that hurt her feelings. I've replayed events and conversations in my head and I STILL can't think of anything that would've/could've started this.
Later that day Mike texted his Mum and she replied with ' I want nothing more to do with you', Mikes reply was 'Fine'.
I've had a letter off his Gran blaming me for everything, saying she thinks I planned this from the beginning and that her daughter 'shouldn't be punished for something she hasn't done'. I can think of plenty of things shes done, but I'd never 'punish' her, besides, she's the one who cut us off! Recently Mikes aunt called to tell him his mother is ill (stress and diabetes) and 'the situation' isn't helping, he told her where to go... Nothing makes sense, at all!!!!!

Katherine, I also refuse to apologise esp. when I don't even know what I'm supposed to have done. Yes, I'm stubborn too; like a damned donkey!
Dove, I've been driving myself nuts all year too, I hate this situation.

There's no going back, and Mike said he wasn't going to tell me if there was a chance of reconcilliation. So maybe he'll tell me now? Working up to asking him....

Dove - posted on 06/14/2012

If someone cut all ties w/ me and I didn't know or understand why..... you bet I'd want to know. It's one of the reasons I'm having SUCH a hard time this year. I know I made some mistakes, but the mistakes I made were not worthy of losing the most important people in my life over (at least not as far as 'I' understand).... yet I did.

Katherine - posted on 06/14/2012

Yep. I'm a very need to know person. I'm curious an maybe a LITTLE nosy lol. So what happened? They just cut ties all of the sudden???? Or did you have a blow out? Or are you saying you have no idea? You sound stubborn like me.

My aunt just decided not to come to Thanksgiving last year and not to give my girls cards or Christmas presents, OR birthday presents for that matter. I haven't spoken to her since. Well I just found out it's because I don't thank her PROFUSELY when she does buy things for the kids. WTF?? Who's this about anyways? Her! Selfish her! Can't even call me to say so.

So I have decided to just cut ties. Screw these games. She pulls this crap on my mom too. She'll get mad at her and not talk to her for months and my mom has to come groveling back.

I refuse to do that!

Wow sorry for the rant :/

Anyways, your turn!!!!!!